'Han Solo..'
My hands tightly clenched themselves into fists as I tried to control the shaking of my arms. 'I feel it again..' I let out a shaky breath as I tried to cope with my feelings. I was being torn, the light and dark was pulling at me, fighting for control, fighting for which was to consume me. I was scared, scared for which one was to win dominance; I left the light, knowing fully well that there was no place for me there, but why does it still linger?
"Even you, master of the Knights of Ren, have never faced such a test."
Master's words haunted me ever since our last meeting when the topic of my father-no... Han Solo had come up.
He hoped he would never have to face such a trial that none before him had faced. He hoped he would never have to face his parents again, it was the part of him that didn't want them to see the monster they had birthed. I gripped my knees tightly as I thought back to that time.
All his life he had been compared to Darth Vader, his grandfather. Constantly warned, always being watched as if Darth Vader would somehow crawl out from inside him. He grew tired of others who would look at him with pity, as if he was ashamed to be related to the Sith that tormented the galaxy for 20 years. It was why his mother sent him away.. Though he was too little to understand at the time why his mother had handed him over to Luke Skywalker. He knew now though, she was afraid of me, she saw what they saw, and so did Supreme Leader Snoke, who, unlike them, accepted me.
I looked onward in front of me now, desperately needing the consolement of the man which haunted him throughout his life. An ash covered helmet laid before him on a post; it looked ancient, disfigured from flames.
This had been his grandfather's helmet, Darth Vader's helmet. He knew if he'd be able to reach the Sith then his guidance would assist the battle dwelling inside him. Everything he's done had been for Darth Vader after all. His eyes through his own helm stared into the depths of the helmet, and he called upon the force as he spoke,
"Show me again grandfather, and I will finish what you started."
I closed my eyes as if I was praying. The only one that could help me was him, he needed guidance if he would follow after the Sith's footsteps, he needed that push.
...
A moment passed, like all the other times he had tried to reach out to his grandfather, and like all the other times he felt an ache of disappointment in his chest as he rose to his feet to leave the room. He turned to the door to just be met with blackness, his eyes widened in alert as he cautiously looked around the abyss that surrounded him.
"Ben."
He nearly jumped at the new voice that reached his ears, the name that they called him causing his fingers to tremble as he snapped his body towards the voice, "I am not Ben."
The man that stood before him now seemed around his 20's, tall, with curly blonde hair. He was dressed in Jedi clothes, with a dark brown robe covering him. The man was faded, surrounded by a calm blue light that was administrated by the force.
Kylo Ren was confused, he had never seen this man before, certainty NOT a Jedi.. He had called upon a Sith lord.
"I think you are, for you are my grandson aren't you?"
I tilted my head as my brows furrowed, "Darth Vader..?" I asked cautiously and was rewarded by a smile from the man, "It's Anakin now." Yes.. That's right, Anakin Skywalker. "I wasn't expecting-.." I stopped as I observed his appearance again. "I know.." His voice sounded troubled, and I was oblivious why. The fact that he answered me was enough to overwhelm me; "Grandfather, I am in need of your guidance.." I lowered down onto a knee to bow before him and dared to look up at him, he looked almost..amused? "Yes you do Ben." He smiled sadly as he waved a hand to motion me up, which I followed until I stood again. "My name now is Kylo-Ren, my lord." I corrected him and was met once more with a weird expression from the man. "But that isn't who you are."
I felt my anxiety skyrocket, "That.Is.My name." I brought my hands into fists, my face scowling underneath my helmet. "Ben, I know that your troubled. You're so much like me.. but I couldn't watch you make the same mistakes I did." He spoke calm, but his face showed another story. I couldn't make sense of the man before me that claimed to be my grandfather, the Sith I had been told of for years. "Mistakes?" I questioned as he gave me another smile, "Remove that helmet." He asked, and I hesitated for a moment. However the man waited and I felt compelled to do as he asked and let the helmet fall from my hands to the floor.
"It's good to see you finally." He joked. Everything about him seem troubled, was he disappointed in me? "Ben. I know what you've been feeling. The conflict that resides in you is dangerous, but you can find the right path again." He continued to smile and I grimaced, "I don't understand." I gritted my teeth, "This path you've been trying to go down isn't who you are." I felt the anger growing inside me, "But it was who YOU were! I WAS MEANT TO UPHOLD YOUR LEGACY!"
He looked away as he solemnly shook his head, "It wasn't who I was, there was so much to who I was. The things I did.. I.." He ran a hand through his hair as he let out a shaky sigh. "You have so much to understand.." I wished he'd look me in the eye, "Understand what?" I growled. "Darth Vader wasn't who I was. The years of suffering I went through, that I caused was because of my own mistakes." I wanted to laugh as if this was some kind of joke, this broken man couldn't of been the one I had heard of in legends. "I started our family down the path of the dark side and I'm unable to fix it, or make up for the things I've done." He gave me a sad smile as he finally looked me in the eyes.
"This IS the right path grandfather! You've led me to my destiny." I felt tears form in my eyes as I approached him, my anger written in my face, "To finish everything you worked hard for is what I'm doing." I stopped just a few steps away from him as he shook his head. "I only chose that path in order to save what was most precious to me.. I ended up losing her anyway, and it only led to my destruction." I could see that he wanted to cry, and I couldn't help but feel lost, betrayed.
"You see.. I was led on false promises down this path, believing it would save your grandmother." He smiled at the mention of her and looked up to meet my gaze, "I lost her, what I had become to give her everything had destroyed any chance of me saving her.. I. Killed HER." This was the first in a long time I heard of my grandmother, and I found myself listening to his vent. "The dark continued to lie to me , the emperor- made me believe that she had not lived to give birth to my child. It was many years later that I met my children, the last piece of her I had, all grown up." He chuckled before his face turned to that of a serious one. "Ben, listen to me. You don't want to lose your family. I did this to our family, and I need you , the one who can understand this the most, not to fuel it, but to help heal, don't let the dark side destroy you too."
My eyes dropped from his gaze to his feet. It felt like the one person I felt that knew me had just slapped me in the face. Tears ran down my cheeks as my eyes wandered the back abyss below us in search of what I had lost, who am I now?
"You are Ben Solo."
My dark eyes snapped up to his blue ones, the same shade of blue that reminded me of my Uncle's, my old master. "You're the son of my daughter and her husband; They need their son back, and you need them too."
He gave me a smile as I bit back a sob, "No- They won't want me. I have no place with them now, everything I've done. FOR YOU." I wanted to scream out my frustrations as I gripped my chest. "They will. You can change things, redeem yourself. You've always had that choice." I shook my head as I thought back to my peers who I had slaughtered. "They need you." His voice sounded distant, and I could tell my time with him was ending.
"Wait..Please!Don't go!" I sobbed as I looked back up at his fading figure, his last words seeming to melt into my mind,
"Go to them"