A/n well here it is, my first fanfic. Some characters may act differently, but that's because a) I'm a bit stupid and B) This fic is slightly AU. This should be a multi chapter story but since I have to revise and do my A-levels, updates may be slow. I'm sorry Slashers but this probably won't be a slash story, or if it is not an explicit one because although I love to read slash I can't write it, or any relationships really. Since this is my first story please take a second to review, let me know what you think. Positives will motivate me, constructive criticism will help me make this story better and flames will be used to cook burgers. mmmmm. By the way, this isn't the stuff I usually write, this is a plot bunny that wouldn't go away and it just so happens that this one is the first one that has actually interested any of my friends, so it's getting uploaded. Also I have no idea what's going to happen later on in the story either, so you'll be getting it as soon as I will.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Red dwarf. Or either Lara Croft or The Wizard of Oz which both have a casual mention. If I've missed anything out I don't own that either. If you are a lawyer looking for un-disclaimered works then I would like to say GET A LIFE. I do own series 1-8 of red dwarf on DVD, a semi-RD Tumblr blog and a diary full of cartoon pictures of the characters but as far as I am aware that doesn't mean I own it. if anyone knows differently then please tell me. Once again- I'm not Grant, Naylor or the Beeb so me no own Red Dwarf :(.
He screamed "down" at the top of his lungs, throwing himself onto the metal floor the moment he saw the flash out of some previously-hidden instinct that went against his cowardly nature, feeling three resounding thumps as the others joined him. A moment later the flash followed through with a boom, a wash of power overcoming him and shaking everything around, forcing him up in the air and pushing him backwards. A further moment later, still not long enough for conscious thought ,he hit the ground again, feeling agony shooting through his projected body, but unwilling to welcome the black creeping into the edge of his vision. He lay spread-eagled, unable to get up, gasping in the pain that pulsed through him right down to his pixelated bones, desperately trying to stay awake and yelling, though he knew it came out as little more than a croak, for help that he knew couldn't come. The last four entities in the universe (he didn't count GELFs or Simulants) were all involved so there was no one to help them. The only chance of rescue for Smug Git himself, but Rimmer would quite frankly rather die.
He could feel himself fading away, and unable to fight anymore, he welcomed the returning darkness, slipping away with a final sigh, knowing that he was the closest to the blast so hopefully the others were probably safer. Knowing in his computer-simulated gut this was the end he made sure his last words were better than the last times, at least fitting (gazpacho soup? Only the good die young?) "You total, total g…" he had to let the sentence hang as he lost consciousness, fate robbing him of the chance to finish what he was saying. The last thing he heard was the fizzling and then clunk of his own Light Bee as it shut off.
Minutes rather than seconds later, Kryten 'awoke' if you could call it that. Rebooting himself he regained awareness and checked the error messages clouding his sight. 'Condition Tangerine' well he could deal with that couldn't he? He'd had worse, after that unfortunate incident on the Nova 5 it had read Scarlet for quite a while.
'Repair information- warranty voided, reconnect wiring to right arm, recalibrate lower extremities, no signal from Jazz FM, replace head.' This might be a little difficult since the only head willing to talk to him at the moment was Spare Head 3, and there was no way he could expect a 'droid rot infested CPU to be able to look after Mr Lister or Mr Cat. He was however willing to let it loose on that Smee Heee Mr Rimmer. Then he remembered that it was actually The Universes' Biggest Coward that had found the bomb and warned them to duck before it went off. He felt just a smidge of guilt about that. Concentrating hard he set his repair programmes to do what they could for his head and to recalibrate his legs, used his left arm to fix the wiring in his right and set his left nipple nut to scan manually to see if he could pick up Jazz again.
Once he was able to move again he stood and looked to see if he could anything. The entire room from bulkhead to bulkhead was charred, and was lit by a few small fires that were quickly burning themselves out and closer to where the explosion took place a strange turquoise glow for which he couldn't see a source. He quickly looked around and ascertained that there had been no damage to the outer bulkhead or to the structure of the ship, though he really should have known that when he had woken up inside the ship and not sucked out into the vacuum of space surrounded by the organic matter of his masters. Doing a full 360 he soon saw two lumps spread eagled behind him on the red metal floor. Walking closer to the two bumps he realised they were indeed, Mr Lister and Mr Cat and was pleased to note that despite being unconscious they were both breathing.
Kneeling before the two he slapped their cheeks until they started to wake up. For his efforts he was invited to "Smeg off" by Mr Lister whose slurred speech worried Kryten until he remembered the six empty cans of JMC extra strength lager on Lister's bunk. Realising he would have to use cunning to encourage Lister to wake up, Kryten smirked. "Lie mode engaged" he whispered before continuing in a much a louder voice "Mr Lister, Sir, I have that extra-hot prawn vindaloo with naan bread and beer-milkshake you ordered". Immediately the lazy scouser jumped up as if he had been told Jim Bexley Speed himself was in the building. Seeing that Kryten was in fact without the meal, he growled. "Krytes remind me to give you some more lying lessons and then to kill you." Mission accomplished there, Kryten turned his attention to Mr Cat who was still laying prone. A thought niggled about why he hadn't seen the hologram yet, but Kryten thought when they got around to looking in the cupboards they'd soon find him cowering, gibbering and otherwise proving he had less courage than a certain lion. Slapping the Cat until he heard the familiar screeching voice telling him to "quit touching me, beige plastic was so never, I'm afraid your lack of style will rub off and if Dibley returns, you die". It was a longer response from the Cat than he expected, but the self-centredness told Kryten the last surviving member of Felix Sapiens was absolutely fine.
Behind him a softly spoken, almost gasped "Smeg" caught his attention and both Kryten and the Cat turned to see a dejected Lister with a light bee in his hand. The light bee was badly scratched, burnt and was spewing turquoise light into the air, solving Kryten's mystery from earlier. The scouser appeared to be in a deep state of shock and was repeatedly saying "no, no, no". Filling what was otherwise an oppressive silence. Unfortunately for Lister's temper, the Cat chose this moment to open his fanged mouth.
"Wow, guess Goalpost Head actually did something right for once. Get rid of himself! Just being around all that polyester was seriously damning my cool!" The Cat saw Lister's face change, but unfortunately didn't realise that the expression on his face was one of anger and continued. "Man that guy's had more lives than that hot video game chick from the 1990's Lara Croft, but never mind 'cause he's gone now!" The last part was said with a grin on his face, a complete opposite of the rage on Lister's who suddenly snapped. The usually jovial and calm last man alive lashed out without thinking, throwing the light bee in his hand, hitting right between Cat's eyes knocking him out again and having the added effect of splitting the already damaged device in two. The scouser was seeing red and went to follow through with his fists or maybe a good kick but the service droid held him back, hugging him against his chest panels tightly to stop him escaping and comforting him as the anger turned to sadness, and Lister started to cry.
so how was it? Drop a review or PM me and tell me please! I know the characters are a bit OOC, but bear with me. Chapter 2 will be coming up ASAP as long as at least one person says they like it.