I own nothing related to the Twilight Saga (This unfortunate fact still keeps me up at night) it all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I must content myself to playing with her Characters. But seriously, Steph, I promise to give them back. No infringement is intended.

FAIR WARNING: I don't wish to offend anyone. This first chapter involves two teenagers acting inappropriately in a church. Please don't read this if this will offend you. This story is intended for mature readers only.

Chapter 1

Going to church had always been the high point of my week. I loved listening to Father Carlisle's sermons. My auntie Esme secretly thought he was the most handsome man she'd ever laid eyes on. She always said what a shame it was that he was a priest. I suppose for an old guy he wasn't bad looking, however his nephew, Edward. Now there was a guy that was seriously swoon worthy, at least he would be if he wasn't just so annoying.

Edward was such a prankster. I was constantly on him trying to rein him in. That boy would have the congregation in an uproar if not for me.

So my first order of business, as alter girl, as with every Sunday was to locate Edward. I was determined to keep an eye on that boy. Last Sunday I caught him reeling in old man Billy's toupee with his Scooby Doo Zebco. Of course it didn't help that his friends Garret and Emmet were always egging him on.

I was thirty minutes early to church. Just enough time to find Edward and save his next unsuspecting victim from his childish tomfoolery.

A brief scan of the sanctuary produced Garret and Emmet sitting in the last pew snickering at each other, but no Edward.

I stomped over to them.

"Where's Edward?"

"Oh, he's been waiting for you, pretty girl," Emmet smirked. They both glanced up to the balcony and laughed.

"He said he's been saving a seat for you on his lap up there." Garret chimed in with a loud guffaw.

I looked up at the balcony to find Edward with his head poked threw the spindles grinning from ear to ear at me. "Hey, sexy, why don't you come up here." He winked.

My eyes rounded in shock, looking around quickly to see if anyone overheard him. I sighed gratefully when the room turned up empty with the exception of his two co-conspirators.

I stomped loudly, banging my way up the steps, but secretly smiling that he called me sexy. I wish he would just grow up already. I was seriously crushing on this guy, but there was no way I could be seen going out with such a jokester. I wanted him to take me seriously. I wanted him to take us seriously.

I flung open the door to the balcony room upstairs, no Edward in site. I was about to scream his name when I felt two strong arms from behind me close around my waist pulling me tightly to his chest.

"Mm," Edward groaned, taking a huge whiff of my neck. "Hello, beautiful. You can't imagine how much I've missed you." His voice made my knees weak. His hands slid under my top, caressing my belly. His lips found my earlobe, sucking gently while simultaneously his hand found it's way down the front of my skirt grazing the waistband of my panties.

"Oh, Edward," I moaned. I think my girly bits melted in a pile of goo at his feet. He spun me around capturing my lips with his. He reached down my skirt grabbing my butt over my panties, a cheek in each hand, kneading my flesh. "Oh," I gasped, wrapping my legs around his waist. He walked us over to lay me down on the second row of the pews. No one could see us from below. His lips never left mine as he hiked up my skirt to rub his jean clad erection against my now, soaking wet, panty clad core.

I don't know how it happened, because his lips and hands were just everywhere, and I was lost in so many overwhelming sensations, but suddenly his lips were on my breast sucking on my nipple. "Oh," His hand slid inside my panties. I whimpered and began to cry out but his mouth captured my sounds. I writhed beneath him. I'd never felt anything so amazing in my life. My eyes popped open to look at him to find him watching me.

"I want you, Bella. I'll always want you," he whispered.

"Oh, Edward. I want you too." He smirked down at me. I frowned slightly as I realized what he just got me to admit. He lowered his head planting a trail of kisses across my collarbone, a soft chuckle rumbling in his chest. I stared over his shoulder, a new realization finally dawning on me. We were making out in my beloved church.

"No. No. No. Edward, we can't."

"What? Why? You can't deny how you feel about me anymore. You want this too."

Did I want this? He practically attacked me. He didn't even ask! And I can't even imagine the penance I'll have to pay for this after my next confession. Poor Father Carlisle will never look at me the same again.

"Just stop!" I hissed at him. "Don't you have any respect for this place at all?"

He sat up racking his hand through his hair. "You're such a tease, Bella."

"I am not a tease. You attacked me."

"You liked it. Don't even try to deny it."

I huffed, righting my clothing when I heard loud giggles from the floor below.

"Emmet, Garret, shut it!"

I got up pushing Edward out of my way. I was about to lean over the railing when I noticed an old cleaning bucket.

"What's that?" I asked, pointing to the offending item, hand poised ready to reach for the handle. Edward was there in a flash grabbing the bucket before I could see inside.

"It's really nothing to worry about."

"Liar. You better hand over that bucket."

"Hmm," he hummed with a smirk, holding the bucket over his head. "What will you give me in return?"

"What do mean? I'm not giving you anything you pervert. This is the house of the Lord. You'll hand over that bucket or else!"

He laughed. "How about a little kiss? Yep, that's what I want. If you want this bucket it will cost you a kiss."

Emmet and Garret busted out laughing.

"I said, shut it, you two!"

Edward started backing up laughing hysterically. I stalked him relentlessly clawing my way up his shirt.

"Hey, girl, watch it, would you?"

Edward dropped the bucket trying to push me off him. It landed on it's side behind him spilling it's contents over the railing covering his two sidekicks with lizards.

"Ew. Ah man." The two clowns grumbled down below.

"Bella, stop! I can't…We're going to… Oh shit!"

"Ahhhhhhh!" We both screamed simultaneously as we went flailing over the side.

The next thing I remember is feeling the most indescribable pain ever. I opened my eyes to see two blurry figures covered in lizards staring down at me. I tried to speak, but my lungs were filling up. I started choking up some warm thick liquid.

"Gross," someone complained.

Everything went black.

However, that didn't last long. I opened my eyes the next second, standing feeling light as a feather, all pain gone. Edward was just standing there, slack jawed staring at the back of the pews.

"Edward, this is ridiculous. We could have been kill…" my voice broke off abruptly as I followed his line of vision to the macabre that was now our broken and blooded bodies laying awkwardly across the back of the pews.

"Oh, no! Are we…

"Dead," Edward whispered.

"No, no, no, no, noooooo!"

"Oh, man. That sucks," Emmet blurted.

"Edward, get up, dude," Garret demanded.

"Um, I think they're dead." Emmet shook his head.

"Not good, let's bale before we get blamed for this," Garret suggested.

"They need help, dude," Emmet disagreed.

"It's too late for that, man. Come on!" Garret ran out the side door, with Emmet in tow.

"Can you believe those two ass-clowns? They left us here to die," I said indignantly.

"They're right, Bella. We're already dead."

"How do you know? We could be having one of those out of body experiences!" I shouted at him.

"Then how do you explain that, huh?"

I looked to where he was pointing to where an escalator had appeared in the center isle. It's steps moving upwards to a rather large hole in the ceiling, the stairs stretching out of sight into the heavens.

"Well, it looks as though my ride's here. You should probably wait for the one that's going down," I half laughed at my whit, stuck my nose in the air and turned towards my ride to heaven.

"Wait! Where are you going? It could be a trap!" Edward grabbed my hand, trying to pull me back.

"Don't be stupid, Edward. I've lived an exemplary life. I know where I'm going."

"Bella, please let's talk about this."

Edward tried to hold onto me, but the closer I got to the escalator the harder it was for him. It was like some sort of magnetic force pulling us in. Finally I slipped through his fingers.

I stepped onto the stairs without a backwards glance. He was hot on my heels grabbing my arm trying to pull me back off.

"Stop it, you moron!"

He tugged and I elbowed him in the gut. He in turn turned me around to which I rebutted with a swift kick to his shin.

"Ha. That didn't even hurt." Edward sang, smirking at me.

"What about this?" I asked yanking on his earlobe with my right hand, pulling his head down and popping him in the nose with my left."

"Hey, that wasn't nice," he complained. But obviously whatever I did to him didn't really hurt now that we were dead. Still, he acted like a big baby.

"Then keep your hands to yourself!" I snarled at him, kneeing him where it counts.

"Why you little…" He reached up to grab a handful of my hair. "I never did anything to deserve a girl doing that to me. Some things are just sacred, Bella."

"Please, your family jewels are about as sacred as a pair of California raisins."

"Just what are you implying," he asked angrily, grabbing me by the shoulders to pull me closer to him.

"I said, keep your hands off of me!" I started punching him where ever my fist could reach. He in turn, pulled me over the side of the escalator so he could spank my butt. I started kicking him instead.

"Stop it, Bella. You're going to fall over the side."

I looked down to find that I was close to doing just that. He stopped smacking me so I stopped kicking him and he helped me to stand once again in front of him.

"Look," I said, calmly. "There's no getting off this thing now, so can we just call a truce?"

"You know, you're really bossy."

"Do you have a point," I poked him on top of his head with my index finger, "besides the one that resides on top of your head?"

"Yes, you're bossy, tenacious, and just plain mean. Why did I ever bother?"

"Bother what? Attacking me in the first place? You've never been able to keep your hands to yourself. You're always flirty and saying things to embarrass me in front of everyone. You never take anything seriously. You just do whatever you want without any regard for anyone else's feelings. You could have been such a great guy if only you would have grown up! I could have really liked you if you weren't such a child!"

"First of all, you're the one that's always following me around getting into my business. And you can't fool me. I know that you like it when I flirt with you. You and that aunt of yours can't keep your eyes or your hands to yourselves.

"That's disgusting. My auntie has never laid one finger on you, you perve."

"No but she's always pawing at my uncle, and he's a priest for crying out loud."

"How dare you. My auntie Esme is a fine Christian woman. And so am I for that matter, and I do not paw at you. You're the one doing the pawing."

"Yeah? Well, you're always ogling me. And you like it when I paw at you. I've seen that smile on your face when you think I'm not looking. And I do take you seriously. How could anyone not take you seriously? You don't have a humorous bone in your body. And as far as disregarding peoples feelings you're always disregarding mine. You won't even give me a chance, and I know you have feelings for me. That's why I…well I wouldn't necessarily call it an attack, you could have easily stopped me. Anyway that's why that happened. I wanted you to realize your feelings for me. I wanted you to take me seriously, take my feelings seriously. I like you, Bella."

I shoved him away from me. "You don't have a serious bone in your body. It's joke after joke, prank after prank with you. How am I suppose to get with that? How am I suppose to explain to people that my boy… well that you can't seem to control yourself. You're just a big child. It's so embarrassing."

"Jeez, Bella, were you about to say boyfriend?" Edward smirked.

I started punching him again and he tried, unsuccessfully to pull me into his arms again. His lips were puckered like he wanted to kiss me.

"You have some nerve, Edward Cullen!"

"And you have quite a right hook," he laughed.

"Children," a drone voice sounded a few feet in front of us.

We both stopped our antics as the escalator finally pushed us off to our destination.

The voice came from an old man with long gray hair and a long beard wearing a toga.

"Oh my gosh, dude. The sixties is over. All that free lovin' long hair and crazy cloths died out in the mid seventies," Edward chuckled.

I smacked him on the back of the head. "This is Saint Peter, you idiot. Show some respect."

"How was I suppose to know that?"

"Everyone knows that Saint Peter stands guard outside the Pearly Gates."

"Yeah, so where are the gates then?"

I frowned looking around at a rather empty room. Actually it kind of looked like a subway station, only without the tracks.

"You have to go up higher to get to the gates," Saint Peter explained. He pointed to the other side of the room where another escalator continued upward.

"So what are we waiting for?" Edward asked.

"Neither of you will be going up there anytime soon."

"What? What did I do?" I asked indignantly.

"Yes, what did miss goody two shoes do?"

"You should be more concerned with what you've done, Mr. Cullen," Saint Peter's drone voice hiked gruffly in irritation.

"Uh, well…"

"Save it." The saint interrupted Edward's, more than likely, rude retort.

"Jasper." The saint called to no one in particular.

A skinny dirty-blond haired boy with wings suddenly appeared next to Saint Peter.

"Yes, your eminence,"

"Take these two to the isolation cloud."

"Are these the two we discussed earlier, sir?"

"Yes. Please explain to them their predicament."

"Yes, sir."

With that Saint Peter was gone, vanished.

"Wow, when do we get to learn that trick?" Edward asked rudely.

I smacked him on the back of the head again for good measure.

"Come on you two," Jasper grumbled.

He grabbed us by the cuff of our necks. A wide door opened to our right. He pulled us along, both of us screaming as he plunged into open air

.

Edward's a goofball who's head over hills for Bella. He only acts up in a desperate attempt to get her attention. Bella is a by the book (good book that is) goody two shoes that doesn't know a good thing when it's standing, jumping up and down, waving, and throwing lizards right in front of her. Lol.