Well hello there! *rises from the ashes of her last fanfic months ago* I can't say that I planned to put out a fanfic this week, let alone on Thanksgiving day, but here it is! I remember drifting off last night to this image in my head and the minute I woke up I started writing and haven't stopped for nearly 5 ½ hours! I'm also supposed to be at my aunt's for dinner in about an hour, so I'm really pushing my limits here hehe.
I think all of us Carylers have been contemplating nonstop what might happen in this coming Sunday's MSF and my brain is no exception. While we've all heard the rumors of Beth's demise (and please don't think for a moment that I know ANY of this to be true, I only go by what I see in chats and on Tumblr) and although I'm eager for this lovely shipping war to simmer back down again, I'm almost more interested in how she dies than when. They have said multiple times that they try to give each cast member a proper send-off when they leave the show, and EK won't be the exception to the rule I'm sure. I'd hope they'd send her out with some thought behind it, and I would SINCERELY like to see her go out in a blaze of glory because then I would feel like her character did truly have a purpose. Say what you want about the acting, but I feel like Beth deserves one moment to shine on her own without anyone else's help.
As for Carol, well like all of you I want her to wake the hell up and blow the shit out of Dawn and the hospital, but I think what I've written in this story is more likely going to be the route taken for her character. She's obviously been injured worse than ever before, and that's not something you can just jump back from in a few days. Daryl is also probably going to go through a transitional time of his own with the notion that he nearly lost Carol again and now may have to deal with another situation mirroring that of finding Sophia as a walker. His first reaction in those moments has always been to get in a fight with someone, but I also don't think that will be the case here. His feelings of guilt may very closely resemble Carols and with any luck, they can work through it together.
So without further ado, I give you my first Caryl fic in ages and ask you not to stone me to death if it sucks lol. I am also trying my hand at writing some McReedus, but no time frame as to when it might be done. Anyway, have a wonderful day wherever you are, and thank you again to my lovely Cazzles for letting me use her as my guinea pig;-) Live long and Caryl on peeps!
The church had been torn apart compared to the last time she had seen it. The pews were ripped apart to use for weapons and fire wood and the altar was nearly unrecognizable. There was a time in her life when Carol would have considered this sacrilege but now it just came down to survival. Father Gabriel hadn't been able to stomach the changes to his once hidden sanctuary and had tried to make a run for it, but he hadn't gotten too far before he'd found himself in a dangerous predicament and was once again relying on the aid of their group to help him get out of it. Since then he had been a lot less reluctant to go along with what they decided to do.
They had been back to the church only a week or so since the group had come into Atlanta to break her and Beth out of Grady Memorial. The last week had been a complete blur to Carol, whose last memory before waking up in the hospital was a quick flash of a car heading directly at her. Daryl had informed her that he was too far away to get her out of the way in time, but in her heart she was glad he hadn't tried or they might have both ended up in that hospital…or worse. When she had finally woken up, her entire body felt like it was on fire, and she could hear gunshots coming from just outside the door. Beth had been at her side, trying to rouse her in an attempt to get them both to safety, but Carol knew that she was still too weak to go anywhere. Beth had tried to help her dress and get back on her feet, but they were thwarted quickly when it was apparent that Carol couldn't walk yet. Beth brought her over to a cabinet on the other side of the room, telling her to hide in the small space until she could return with the others. After what seemed like the most excruciating amount of time possible, the gunfire stopped and the door to her room once again opened. She peeked out through the small crevice only to see a figure dressed in black walking towards the cabinet. Holding a syringe that she'd found, she prepared herself for the end, but when the door swung open, she was met with a face she hadn't thought she'd ever see again. Daryl stared down at her, his face marred with sadness. Carol lowered her weapon, only one question springing to her mind.
"Where's Beth?"
"We gotta go."
His voice was gruff with emotion, and she knew why. Beth hadn't made it. Her eyes filled with tears as she realized the young girl had sacrificed herself for Carol and the others. It seemed impossibly cruel that they should have to once again lose someone that had barely been given a chance to live when she herself had wasted nearly twenty years of her life trying to please the one person she never could. Even when she'd tried to change who she was and become strong she'd lost her way, but Beth had always known who she was. Her only comfort in the moment was knowing that Hershel would be waiting for her on the other side…wherever that was.
Carol managed to slip her legs out of the cabinet but when her feet hit the floor she felt pain shoot up her entire body. Daryl quickly leaned down and scooped her up in his arms as she attempted to hold onto his neck as he carried her out to safety where the rest of the group was waiting and into the truck that would take them back out of the city. The ride home was difficult for her with all the bumps and very little cushioning in the back of the truck, but Tyreeese and Sasha did their best to keep her comfortable until they could get her to the church. She cried most of the way back; a mixture of the pain and her anguish over losing Beth. Daryl had sat up in the front with Rick and didn't so much as look back at her the entire time. It entered her mind that maybe he was regretting saving her over Beth when she was so useless to them now, but she pushed it back down again quickly. To everyone's surprise, they returned to the church to the vision of Maggie, Glenn, and the others waiting for them. Tyreese had informed her and Daryl that they had left shortly after they went after Beth in order to get Eugene to DC, but apparently something had hindered their plans as well. Maggie was the first person waiting in the back of the truck to help them out and her eyes immediately searched the truck looking for her sister. Carol clenched her eyes shut as Tyreese lifted her out of the vehicle and carried her inside while Rick and the others informed her of the news. Her cries echoed off the trees as Glenn did his best to comfort her, but it was a sound that Carol would never forget.
Tyreese had brought her into the backroom where the only piece of furniture with padding could be found and placed her down gently. They had gotten her food and water, each taking turns to check on her and see how she was progressing. Everyone except Daryl, that was. He had yet to show his face to her, obviously pulling away like he always did when he lost somebody close to him. In the past she would have tried to talk to him and pull him through it, but it would be extremely hypocritical for her to bring it up now when she herself had been avoiding the grieving process for so long. Anytime someone started to explain to her why he hadn't come to see her, she immediately stopped them, telling them that he would in his own time. The time she'd spent together with Daryl those few days out looking for Beth had made her realize that she could fight who she was for as long as she wanted, but when it came down to it he knew her better than anyone else. She would try to return the favor and give him his space right now just as he had done for her.
A lot was happening outside the room she was resting in. Rick had informed her of Eugene's deceit in leading them to believe he had a cure, and although he and Abraham weren't exactly on good terms yet they had decided to let him stay on with the group. Glenn and Tara had been helping Maggie through the loss of Beth as much as they could and she seemed to be coming around again. Father Gabriel was still hesitant to learn how to defend himself but he tolerated it best from Michonne of all people, and they had been working together to try and help him feel more comfortable with a weapon on his hands. Carol hadn't attempted to move around much up until now, but she knew that if she wasn't going to be a hindrance on them she needed to push herself to get better quick. The first day had simply consisted of getting up and walking around the room, but just that simple task had worn her out for the rest of the day. Rick and Carl had helped her hobble around whenever possible and one of the ladies always aided her when it came to changing or going to the bathroom, but it angered Carol that they had to help in the first place and was her motivation to get up and moving again on her own. She was just attempting to get up and attempt to walk out to see the others when there was a soft knock on the door.
"Come in."
Carol was more than a little surprised when she saw a mop of dark hair peek out from behind the door, a sliver of blue flashing from underneath it. Daryl looked better than the last time she had laid eyes on him, but she knew he might still be too closed off to the idea of talking. Trying not to scare him off too quickly, she smiled and waved him in.
"Just wanted to see how ya were doin'." He mumbled, walking over hesitantly. "Know I've kinda been distant lately."
"It's all right, I understand." She went to sit up on the couch but she bumped her ribs and the jolt was enough to knock the breath out of her. Daryl flew over to her side, his hands gently guiding her back to lie down. She cursed under her breath, her eyes watering. "I'm okay…just sometimes if I sit up too fast it gets me. I promise I'm okay."
He shook his head. "You need to keep restin' so you can get better. Don't push yourself too hard."
"As long as I'm like this, I'm a danger to you all. I can barely defend myself right now."
"We'll take care of anything that comes this way. You just stay put for a while longer."
"But I need to get back on my feet and contribute like the rest of the group."
"Carol…ya got hit by a car." His tone was definitive. "Ya have more injuries than any of us combined. Ya gotta rest or ya won't recover properly."
She knew he was right, and hearing it out of his mouth had more pull than from anyone else for some reason. His hand came to rest on hers, and she suddenly remembered that moment in the van when they had plummeted off the bridge to escape the walkers. It was one of the most terrifying moments in her life, but knowing he was there with her was what willed her to stay alive no matter what. She had spent the better part of a day complaining to him about not being able to save people and not knowing what the purpose of any of this was, but he had kept her floating through it all. He had seen her at her worst and he had stuck with her. It was the most precious gift she had ever received in this world.
"I wanted to give you some space after…" She paused, her eyes focused on his hand, which was beginning to pull back. "I know how difficult that must have been for you, but I understand if you can't talk about it. It's the least I can do after what you did for me. Just know that I'm here if you need me."
"I do." His voice was low, barely a whisper. "I'll tell ya when I'm ready."
"I'm sorry for everything I put you through in the city." She could feel her emotions beginning to well up again, knowing that it was going to be difficult to breathe if she didn't get control. "I shouldn't have given up hope like that…you needed my help and all I did was complain about everything. That wasn't fair to you."
"You ain't gotta apologize." He sounded surprised. "I knew you were going through a lot. Just bein' back there, in that place-" He paused, but she knew exactly where he meant without having to mention it. "That had ta bring up a lot of stuff."
"It did, but not for the reasons you might think." She sighed, her head leaning back to look at the ceiling. "I was different person in that life. I've changed so drastically, you know that. We both have. I just…I lost sight of what really mattered. Our goal was to get our friend out of that place alive, and if I hadn't been so adamant on saving Noah and getting out of there-"
"Wait, you sayin' that saving that kids life is the reason we didn't save Beth?"
She shook her head. "I don't regret saving him. His help in finding out what was going on in there was more beneficial than anything we could have come up with. Besides…" She swallowed hard. "Him being hurt is what saved your life. It was what allowed you to come back and get the others. If you had been with me you would've been just as bad off…maybe worse."
"I woulda pushed you outta the way and took the hit myself." He said it with ferocity like she hadn't heard from him in months. "Ya think I could stomach seein' something like that again? Watchin' from the sidelines as they dragged your lifeless body off the street and carried you away? I thought you were already dead. Even now I still see it in my head." He gestured to his temple with two fingers like he was holding a gun. "Him holding me back…that's the ONLY reason I didn't come after ya right then and there."
"It would have been a suicide mission Daryl."
"Ya think I really cared?" He scoffed. "Those bastards took the two most important people in the world to me. I didn't plan on comin' back if y'all didn't make it."
His response stalled her and she found the courage to finally look at his face. "So why did you come back?"
"Cause I promised Beth." He sighed, his eyes meeting hers. "I promised her I'd take care of ya. Of Maggie and everyone else."
Carol knew she shouldn't ask about what happened to Beth, but the question was perched on the tip of her tongue. No one else had been with her in her dying moments except Daryl, and he hadn't been willing to share any of the most intimate details with anyone since it happened. Even Maggie didn't know exactly what had happened, only that her sister had died a hero. Carol opened her mouth to ask it but quickly shut it again, not wanting to break the vow she'd made to let him tell her in his own time. His eyes searched hers and he could see it there, his face taking in her concern.
"Ya wanna know, don't ya?"
"Not if you're not ready to tell me."
Her voice was solid, much to her surprise. Daryl looked at her for another moment, then back down at his hands, contemplating what she was saying. It was a huge step for him to share this information with her willingly. She hadn't been kidding when she'd told him that he grown from a boy into a man. The person she had met back in the camp was nothing like the person sitting in front of her. He was a man of determination who always thought of himself last. He wasn't greedy or selfish, and he wouldn't hesitate to lay his life on the line for someone he cared about. It was everything she admired about him and had tried to emulate for herself. When he finally looked back up at her, his face seemed to have aged years. His eyes looked like they had seen hundreds of years of struggle; his face was grizzly and worn. She wanted nothing more in that moment than to give him peace from everything he had seen and done…to absolve his burdens.
"I found her fightin' off some of the walkers that had gotten in during the raid once that cop got away from Sasha and went to find Dawn." He said, his voice low and gruff. "She was holdin' her own and she told me where you were, but as I was headin' down the hallway I heard a gunshot and looked back. That bitch Dawn had come outta nowhere and attacked her, shootin' at her. At first I didn't think she'd hit her cause Beth jumped up and knocked the gun out of her hands. They were both struggling to get it but one of the walkers intercepted and grabbed Dawn, finishing her off. I ran up to where Beth was when I saw the blood seepin' through her scrubs." He paused, his voice wavering. "Bullet hit an artery, she bled out in minutes. Even the doc couldn't do nothin'. She made me promise to find you and get you back to the others. In her last moments, her only thought was makin' sure we survived."
Carol felt a tear slip down her cheek but she didn't try to wipe it away. Beth had deserved better than the fate she'd received, just like her girls. Daryl was probably feeling the same feelings she had been trying to hold back these past few weeks, thinking that he should have been able to do something to prevent it all. It was no wonder he'd pulled away from her. She was a constant reminder of the purpose he would never be able to achieve.
"You should have left me there." It came out as a whisper, but she knew he'd heard her. "I'm a burden to all of you. No one else should have to die because of me."
Daryl's expression hardened again. "People die in this world every day, there's no escapin' that. It's how we go on. Leavin' you behind was never an option. Not to me and not to anyone else. You're family."
"I just want to help, but all I ever seem to do is hurt." Her breaths were shallow but it still hurt her ribs. She cringed in pain. "I hurt you, I hurt Tyreese…I just…I don't belong around people anymore Daryl. I hurt everyone I love and I can't do it anymore. That's why I was trying to leave. I didn't want you to come after me because I knew that you'd follow me out of some type of…obligation."
His cobalt eyes bore into her, leaving her feeling completely exposed. "If ya thought we was better off without ya, then why'd ya come back? You coulda gone off on your own after Teminus, just left us to find Tyreese and Judith on our own. You coulda just checked up on us from afar and made your escape right then and there, but ya didn't." His hand came up to her chin, forcing her to look at him. "You need us as much as we need you. You're brave enough to handle anything that's thrown at ya, but you keep tellin' yourself that you're weak. It ain't true. I've seen ya in action and you're the bravest of us all. You think you can't handle losin' anyone else but ya can, and ya will. It's a part of life. You're right, I woulda followed you, but not cause I owe ya somethin'. I woulda done it cause I care about ya. You and I…we get each other. I don't gotta say nothin' to you and I know you still get it." He pulled his hand away from her chin, placing it back on her hand. His eyes softened, but they were still intense. "If ya can't make yourself stay for anyone else, stay for me. I need ya here. Always have."
His last statement had caught her completely off guard, but she kept her eyes on him, never breaking the gaze. He was completely vulnerable to her in that moment, but it was exactly what she needed to hear. They had both lost things that had made them into who they were now, but it was because of their strength that they went on and continued to live. If she was out on her own, she wouldn't know who she was anymore. When she was with Daryl, she made sense. It was what they had both been missing these past few weeks apart. They needed to be able to get back to what they used to be…a unit. She squeezed his hand to make sure that he knew she understood what he was saying.
Daryl leaned forward, his forehead coming down gently on her shoulder like he had done when they had first embraced in the woods. She ran her fingers through his hair with her free hand, as he nuzzled against her neck. The sensation sent a flood of warmth through her body, momentarily easing the pain. It was strange to feel such intense contact after such a long time, but Daryl obviously needed it too. His head eventually lifted; his face now inches away from her own. She waited to see if he would move away but he seemed frozen in place, unsure of what to do. Carol leaned forward slightly, brushing her nose up against his to let him know it was okay. He remained unmoving, his gaze now focused on her mouth. As much as she wanted to close the gap between them, she promised herself she wouldn't rush him and she wasn't about to go back on her word. Time seemed to stop as she waited, their breaths becoming shallower as they contemplated what could happen. Carol began to have doubts, feeling like maybe she had put too much pressure on the moment. It was the instant she decided to pull away that his lips finally descended on hers, releasing the buildup of tension that had been mounting inside of them both. It wasn't a passionate kiss by most standards, but the force behind it filled her with more energy than she'd felt in days. She opened her mouth slightly in response, deepening it for just a moment before he began to pull back. When he finally looked at her again, his pupils were so dilated they made his eyes look more black than blue. She grazed his cheek with her thumb while trying to keep the butterflies in her stomach at bay. He had made her feel like a stumbling teenager again, and she had a feeling he was feeling very much the same.
"You don't have to worry. I'm not going anywhere." She replied softly, still looking at him. "You're right. I need you as much as you need me."
"Good." He blushed, a small grin immerging on his face despite his attempts to keep it down. He got up from the edge of the couch and headed for the door. "You need to get some more rest so you can get back up and be good as new."
"Promise you'll come visit me more than once a week?"
"Won't need to." He looked back and winked. "Next time you're comin' out to get me."
Carol laughed gently as she watched him walk back out of the room. It was the lightest she had felt in months, but she was so grateful for it. There were so few moments of joy in this world, and she was going to hold on to this one as long as possible.