Author's Note:
This story started with my wondering more precisely what was going on in Shizuru's mind during the events of Rebirth. I was curious to see her take on what happened between her and Natsuki after the Carnival. So I took it as a writing exercise to see how retelling that tale in the first person, from her point of view, would work.

I discovered that there was more story going on in her head than I first expected. I hope there is enough new material (or at least that I have improved enough as a writer over the better part of a decade that has passed since penned that first story) to make this an interesting tale and not merely "the same thing over again."

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I want to extend a special thank you to MahouLVH for support, encouragement, reading and suggestions, as well as coming up with the subtitle: "Musings of a Recovering Yandere." We can both see Shizuru referring to this, and herself, that way—and only half in jest. It seemed to fit too well, so I stole it. Thanks Mahou.

Also, a big thanks to Avadan232 for being a beta reader and patiently wading through drafts, sharing thoughts, and helping me improve.

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Author's Note:
After finishing this story, the question of what was going through Natsuki's mind during these events began rattling around in my brain. Eventually, that story came out as Midwife of the Soul. During the course of writing that, a couple small improvements for this came up, so I've put up the revised version here. The changes mainly appear in chapters 7 and 9, if you want to avoid re-reading everything (but please don't let me do anything to dissuade you if you're so inclined).

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Rebirth of Love
Musings of a Recovering Yandere
Chapter 1

Aftermath

It is better for a woman sunken in grief over misfortunes to shut her gate and live in seclusion, so quietly, awaiting nothing, that people cannot tell whether or not she is at home, rather than that she hastily decide to shave her head and become a nun.

—Kenkō, Essays in Idleness #5

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I awoke that morning to another day of responsibility and studies, much like any other. Since the end of the Carnival, I was glad to lay down the wild, destructive power of a HiME and return to being a simple student, and Student Council president. Perhaps I was more than just that, since Director Kazahana had begun stepping back from actively running the school, it also fell upon me to supervise the rebuilding of Fuuka Academy after all that had befallen it during that time of violent chaos.

But I get ahead of myself in this story. I am Fujino Shizuru, of Fuuka Academy. The HiME Carnival we so recently finished had been a time not only of terror, battle and destruction, but also of revelation for those of us swept up in it. Yet the greatest revelation and change came to me not during that crucible of mad combat, but rather afterwards. I almost said in the calm denouement, but there was far too much going on then to describe it as calm, even though the days of open battle were done. Still—at least for me—what happened after made even the events of the Carnival pale in comparison.

This is my story of those happenings.

ooo OOO ooo

Perhaps I should elaborate a little on the immediate aftermath of the Carnival before the actual beginning of my tale. With the destruction of the HiME Star and Obsidian Lord, we were freed to once more go about our ordinary lives. I say ordinary, but they never would quite be that given the trials and experiences we'd had.

The grounds of Fuuka Academy had been considerably damaged, and I asked Haruka to act as overseer for their immediate repairs. She had all the energy required to keep running around, here and there, making sure all of the little pieces of repairs were done correctly. In addition to that, she had Yukino at her side, to ably support her. I wonder if she will ever recognize just how Yukino looks to her. I understand that look in Yukino's eyes, though not fully why she would choose Haruka as the one to look at: but such choices are—and of right should be—intensely personal. It also did not hurt that Suzushiro Construction Company was the prime contractor here. Everyone agreed they were the ideal company to do the repairs, and this was doubly convenient given that Haruka's father runs the company.

Of course, I handled the higher level negotiations and communications where diplomacy mattered more than energy. Contrary to Haruka's belief, not every problem is best solved by the direct approach of bashing it with your head and willpower until something gives way. Much as my natural laziness would have liked to push her to do these, I knew that we needed them done well, and Haruka's temperament (and temper) would not get us there.

But, I also tried to minimize contact with Haruka and Yukino. Seeing them brought up too many feelings I was not ready to address. Yes, I still feel guilty for killing Dianna, whom Yukino summoned, and thus her dearest friend (and more) Haruka. Maybe I also avoid Yukino more, as I know how much harder it is to see a loved one suffer than to suffer yourself, so my feelings of guilt toward her are stronger. I also understand how painful it is to see your loved one hurt or ripped away from you. I feel I should apologize, but cannot find the courage. Yet, I had little choice for my actions: between my love for Natsuki and the dictates of the HiME Carnival, I could do no other.

I also studiously avoided Nao. She was easier, as nothing with the Student Council or school itself pushed us into contact. I still haven't forgiven her for what she did to Natsuki. I think I'd find it easier to forgive her had she attacked me directly instead of Natsuki, even had she hurt me terribly.

Natsuki... Now Natsuki was different, and posed a special dilemma for me. Yes, she had kissed me at the end and told me it was "all right," but I still wasn't sure if that applied now. My insecurity told me that she only did that because we were both about to die, and because there would be no consequences we would have to live with afterwards. I dare say that had my death then been final, her words would have let my spirit rest in peace.

But our rebirth—at least death and rebirth seem the best terms to use for those of us who disappeared into sparkling green clouds, only to reappear later for the final battle with the Obsidian Lord. Our rebirth turned Natsuki's words and actions from a comfort to let me rest in peace into a conundrum to worry about. For since we were both still alive, she could have second thoughts—which I thought she ought to, since what I had done to her was an unforgivable violation of her privacy, her independence, ...of her very self. I also had plenty of time to rethink—and over-think—my actions.

My desire to see Natsuki, to be with her, to talk to her, and more, were still strong, but so too was my own insecurity. I greatly feared that Natsuki would repent of her actions in the ruined church back then. And if she did... No, no matter what she did, I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to do whatever it took to make her happy, even if it meant forever giving up the enjoyment of her company.

So it was that I held back from Natsuki as well, telling myself I didn't want to be a bother to her. But I kept my eyes and ears open, and any scrap of information about Natsuki still had a way of grabbing my attention and sticking in my memory. Thus it was that I knew that she was currently living with Mai and Mikoto. After all, Nao and I had rendered her old apartment uninhabitable, and the city government came to that conclusion about the apartment's condition as well, officially branding it unfit for habitation. At school, Natsuki seemed to be attending classes regularly now, and otherwise going forward with her life.

I shall presume to take Bashō's words as mine, for I have found they applied to me equally.

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But I should not have it thought from what I have said that I am devoted to solitude and seek only to hide my traces in the wilderness. Rather, I am like a sick man weary of people, or someone who is tired of the world. What is there to say? I have not led a clerical life, nor have I served normal pursuits.

My own dorm room was damaged similarly to Natsuki's, though not by fighting with Nao, so I faced a similar dilemma. I decided to find and move into whatever apartment I would live in for college a bit early. I could take advantage of my plan to attend Fuuka University, and only move once. Otherwise I would have needed to find temporary lodging for a handful of months and then again find and move into my college residence.

I found a simple 1LDK apartment, not too far from the university. In this I was lucky, as I had little time to look and the rental market in Fuuka was tight given that the damage and destruction caused during the Carnival had dramatically decreased the supply of housing while at the same time increasing the demand from everyone who had been displaced by that destruction. Natsuki and I were far from alone alone in our need for a new residence.

I decided against the small house down the street from this apartment, in spite of the lovely fuji (wisteria) draped over the front and a more traditional interior. While the effect was quite artistic (the flowers would be lovely in spring) and there was a certain appropriateness given the name of the flowers, the place was not in very good condition. I decided that I had better things to do with my time that fix—or have fixed—the broken parts of the house, and I had no desire to lie awake at night wondering if the roof would withstand the wind and rain. After all, I was in Fuuka to study.

Some might be surprised at the apartment I chose. It was western style with carpet, a sofa, table and large western bed among the furnishings instead of the traditional tatami mats and sliding shoji. Despite what some people may think, I do not require a jidaigeki (period drama) set to live in. While I can certainly enjoy those surroundings, I am more adaptable than some would credit me.

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Even in my new, more distant residence, I could not completely distance myself from Natsuki. She had sacrificed her motorcycle, her "treasured toy," in that last battle, which I now saw was how she engineered my salvation. I also know how much she loved riding her motorcycle. So in my behind-the-scenes style, I arranged for Yamada-han to "find" and repair Natsuki's beloved Ducatti, and then give it to her with the explanation that he had "worked this in as part of school repairs." I hoped that she would not suspect me.

Cultural Note:
The piece Shizuru quotes here, appropriating Matsuo Bashō's feelings for herself, is from his The Unreal Dwelling. He is more renowned for his haiku—being considered one of the masters of that art-form—but this is a prose piece of his, a narrative of his last dwelling place.

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Shizuru describes her apartment as 1LDK. This is the standard shorthand for describing apartments in Japan, especially in real estate listings. It means that it has one general-purpose "bedroom" plus a Living-room, Dining-room and Kitchen. These last three (especially the living and dining) are typically a combined space, and it is thus for Shizuru.

Author's Note:
I hope that I was able to capture Shizuru's tone and that her inner mind I show here is faithful to her depiction in the show. I find it a little bit frightening to see how similar her brain is to mine, and how easily her voice flows through my pen. Please let me know whether I've succeeded in channeling Shizuru or not. It also seems that she (we?) tend to be a bit wordy expressing our thoughts. For that we beg your indulgence.

I thought Shizuru would find it fitting to open each chapter with an epigraph from some piece of Japanese literature. I have occasionally taken the liberty to change the gender mentioned to match Shizuru when the Japanese did not explicitly specify such. Shizuru likely knows the literary corpus to choose from better than I, but that also means that she knows many more pieces which might be applicable to a given chapter, thus making it harder to choose. I wonder which of us would have an easier job—or which might enjoy the selection process more.

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As I was writing this, I first thought to perhaps put it into the frame of Shizuru telling this story to her parents. Those of you who have read my other Mai HiME stories know that I have given Shizuru quite a good relationship with them. But I decided against that. For no matter how close Shizuru's relationship with her parents is, and no matter how much she trusts them, there are some things which are too private to tell even your most dear, trusted parents. So I choose the person (beyond Natsuki) whom Shizuru will trust enough to fully open her heart and mind to: you, the reader.

Thank you for being there and being someone with whom the normally private Shizuru feels that she can share her story, and the secrets of her heart.

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My muse and I will close this note as Shizuru might, presuming to take a piece from the Chinese preface to the classical Kokin Wakashuu (Collection of Japanese Poems, Ancient and Modern) and apply its sentiments to ourselves.

We regret that our compositions lack the beauty of spring flowers. ... In presenting ourselves before others, we fear their ridicule; upon privately examining our work, we are humiliated by evidence of clumsiness.

—Ki no Yoshimochi, Kokinshuu

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We very much want to hear your thoughts on this story. We would both like to see what this story makes you feel, or see, or think. I know it helps me with motivation as well as improving as a writer, and my muse seems to use them to fuel her engine of inspiration. We look forward to seeing your reviews, both short and long, and appreciate your effort in writing them.