Never Happen
She lets her gaze fall onto the window, the New York sky glowing in the city light and the cars passing down the road in their routine like a conveyer belt of flashing colors. The neon reflections in the window where very bright, but she wasn't being blinded this time.
It was true that the city would never sleep and she was no exception. Her sleep never came easy with the haunting thoughts falling into place and slipping into every part of her brain and into her as a whole. And her tears burned like a bee's sting as she released everything that would be held back day by day, the same thing everyday. The same thing every night.
She let her mind find It's way to the thought of him, Lucas Friar. It was stupid really. He was out of her league and he deserved much better than broken and bruised Maya Hart, especially when he had a beautiful girl like Riley Matthews so easily swayed and rapped around his fingers. He could get any girl he wanted. So why did he want her?
Maya recalled the earlier situation in the day as the school let out and he was just mindlessly fidgeting with the corner of his book bag by her locker, Riley right behind his feet with a clearly, just coming out of an awkward moment, face. The blonde couldn't help but roll her eyes at this as she saw Lucas with his face clearly stating his confusion and shock in Riley moment. "Thanks for waiting for me guys." Maya said, her fist behind her back as she mentally hit herself for being all too polite for her tasting and forgetting to keep up her 'I don't care' image. But then again it seemed that this was happening all too much around cowboy and she hated it so much with a burning passion.
"No problem." he said in a way that irritated her but at the same time sent chills down her back as his gaze fell onto hers, his lips forming a smile that she hated. And not just a slight kind of hate but a full on 'I want to murder someone' hate that made her anger get all over her insides as she hopelessly hated that she loved him. Hated that she even liked him. Hated that he had this sort of effect on her. Because this wasn't how it was supposed to work. He should be with Riley and they could go live their happily ever after which should surely be likely to happen. But no. He wouldn't ask her out no matter how many times Maya pleaded. "You should be with Riley." "Did you ask her out yet cowboy?" "Do you like her or not?" But to these sort of things he would just smile...and Maya would just glare at him and mumble something about him being too stubborn and he would just laugh at her like it was some kind of joke, like maybe this was all some kind of joke to him.
"We were going to go to the library, you wanna come?" Riley said dumping a stack of library books into her backpack, her brown hair falling down over the side of her face making her look flawless, but Lucas wasn't paying attention to that. Of course he had the nerve to ignore the gorgeous girl in front of him and see the girl behind her, the girl with the long blonde hair. Sending her a pleading look that begged her to say she would come, her gave her his best puppy dogs eyes which both nagged at the most annoyed part of what she classified as Lucas but also sent a bunch of warm fireplace like shivers which got her stomach spinning and her mind swirling out of place.
"I don't know." she said defeated, not sure how she would survive being in the middle of Riley and Lucas at the library, who seemed to go back and forth from flirting to awkward silences. And then Maya would have to do the dirty work and fill in their empty conversations with dry sarcasm. "Actually no...I can't today." she told Riley directly, blocking out Lucas and his disappointed eyes which were clearly focused on her. "I have a lot of chores today." More like "I have a lot of hiding from my feelings today to do." she thought.
"Oh." was his response.
Riley didn't seem to care either way. "Well I guess It's just you and me." she told him with a grin which he returned gratefully because he got the hang out with her at least, but Maya couldn't help but feel an awkward intensity between the two of them as Riley skipped off with her books already on her way to the library which Maya assumed she was meeting Lucas at in a bit.
"Are you sure you can't come?" he asked without looking at her while he looked through his messages on his phone, or so she assumed.
Feeling slightly bad for brushing off his and Riley's invitation, she gave him a small smile as he looked up for a second. "I'm sorry, I can't." she told him which he didn't respond to. Instead he stayed quiet letting his eyes glance at hers for a second. "Oh come on Ranger Rick." she told him putting her hands on her hips. "This is stupid. You missing out on your chance with Riley."
For a moment it was silent, but Maya was surprisingly startled by the loudness of Lucas's striking rage that came in his voice. "Why do you push me and Riley so much Clutter-bucket?" he asked boldly picking up his bag with his free hand that wasn't holding his phone. "Have you ever thought that maybe I don't feel the same way about her as she feels about me?"
"Well..." Maya whispered. "I mean I kind of assumed since your always hanging out with Riley...I just assumed..."
looking defeated, he softened his voice. "I don't hang out with her because I like her Maya. I hang out with her because she's fun..." he said. "And she has some good friends." he added before looking down annoyed with himself. "I don't like her like that Maya. I like someone else!" he said, his voice rising again.
Beginning to get irritated with him again, she shouted at him. "Well who is it?!" said the voice of Maya who seemed to be a lot more pained than usual, her voice beginning to hurt her throat. This was completely ridiculous. She shouldn't be standing here arguing with the only boy she'd ever loved, but still she was. And she wasn't backing out of this now, but apparently he was.
His lips remained silent as he turned around walking away without another word leaving her in utter shock. Did she just have a real fight with Lucas Friar? And what in the world was he even talking about?
As she walked home she tried to process her thoughts about him, and he feelings. It was crazy cause she didn't even know why she liked him, she just did. But if you think about it, she couldn't deny that he was intensely attractive just by the girls who would go smitten over his simple smile, which she had become one of them. And she hated that because it was true. She liked Lucas. Maybe even loved him. But she was too young to be thinking that way.
But then again wasn't she also a little to young to spend days and days at a time alone in an apartment without her mom? And wasn't she a little too young to have to cook herself dinner every night all alone? So maybe since she had to grow up so quickly, it was actually appropriate to have grown up thoughts such as these. Maybe is was mature of her. But it wasn't like he was nearly as mature. It was as if he was too young for her. Except he wasn't, she was just too used to having to deal with things on her own, Lucas wasn't.
And there she was sitting in her bedroom as her phone went off with a text alert, a small smile forming on her face as she read his name, wondering what he could possibly want to say to her. Especially when she was still sure that he at least liked Riley a little, if not a lot more than he was letting on.
She opened the text, the words running into each other as he vision blurred in what she assumed where tears which just made her feel like a dumb, and not so grown up teenage girl who felt her happiness rising and her nausea increasing by the minute. Her vulnerability came through behind her bedroom walls, not because of the text but because of the build up.
The build up of the note from her mom about leaving early for the diner. The build up of Riley's rambling about Lucas's flawless skin and lovely flawless face that she was already well aware of. The build up of her mom's text saying she wouldn't be back till after Maya's bed time, which was never followed. The build up of having three papers due all by Monday and the build up of Missy and her absurd remarks that Maya of course had to come back with since Riley didn't have a clue on what to reply with. The build up of Mr. Matthews asking if she was alright as she was hunched over on her desk sleep deprived, and the build up of Farkle getting on her last nerve with his flirting, and the build up of Lucas and his occasional glances that seemed to get under her skin. The build up of another bad grade and being a complete mess and spilling her drink all over herself. The build up of trying to be perfect. The build up at failing at being perfect. The build up of proving that she wasn't even a little perfect. All to this. All the build up to the breakdown.
And there were his words, startling really. Maya I don't like Riley. I like her best friend. Of course that's how it had to be. Good things would always come when they weren't possible or even a little realistic. That should make a girl happy. But it was impossible to be satisfied with when your best friend was equally in love with the same guy. Anger striking, she found herself swiping her paint supplies onto the ground, her paints flying all over the floor, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything anymore, except Lucas. But that was the last thing she could have, so it was untouchable.
He couldn't like her. He just couldn't. It was mess up absolutely everything. EVERYTHING. It wouldn't be okay because it would ruin so many things in her life. She would become hopeful, trusting, and she might even lose her best friend in the process if she were to take on this whole Lucas and her thing. But in the bittersweet excitement she couldn't help but respond dumbly, irrational even. You mean me?
She felt the urge to need a clarification to this mess before it even started. Maybe even in ink, I'm Lucas Friar and I like Maya Hart. Yes, that would be good enough. Was that too much to ask? It was all so unlikely...like a crazy messed up dream. Just by the fact that she like him back.
Yeah.
It was all the text read, but she could feel her world crashing down. It was so stupid and ridiculous that she knew that this would just add to her list of burdens that would hold her down as a captive. Just like her responsibilities. And the need to pretend she didn't care that she didn't have a relationship with her mom. Or her dad. And she had enough stress lately once she decided that she didn't want to fail anymore. And that wasn't going to well, because as she could see it...she may be getting some better grades but her life was still giving her all Fs and she couldn't help but feel really bounded by all this conflict..
Wow.
She said, the single word immediately regretted after she sent it. She just messed up everything, didn't she? Yup. That had to be it.
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything.
She sighed. Probably not but what was he can do it, or her?
I won't say anything about it again. Now I feel stupid.
Regret. Anger. Confusion. Hate. Stupidity. So stupid. She was wrong. It was a good thing he said it because now she felt a release going through her head saying that he liked her too and for a moment she felt her world fly as high as it could go. For a second she was happy because it was mutual. Completely mutual.
I feel stupid. She typed flatly, her words so less clever in text than they were in her head. But her witty attitude had faded and for a moment she wondered which her Lucas actually liked it. The girl she was or the girl she was trying to be. Maybe he met somewhere in the middle there. Or maybe he didn't even recognize her flaking personality that screamed desperate to be someone you not. Maybe he figured that this was just she was. Maybe confident, outgoing and clever were her real personality traits to him. Maybe not.
I'm sorry.
She sighed at this, because she couldn't help but feel bad for not being more polite about this whole situation. Don't be sorry, she read as she typed knowing that it could go either way as he read it. As an insult or a phrase of comfort and reassurance.
She wasn't sure how it came out, but the reassurance surely hadn't gotten to him correctly. No I'm seriously sorry. I made a fool out of myself and I made you uncomfortable.
She let another tear slip. You didn't make me uncomfortable Lucas. You made me confused.
Isn't that just as bad? He asked seconds later.
No. It was a statement of reassurance again, but it hadn't gotten to him. He still felt ashamed with himself.
How so?
Because I would be uncomfortable if I didn't like you.
"What the heck are my doing?" She asked herself out loud.
I like you.
It took about five minutes before he replied again, his words seeming to be confused just as hers, but there was a sure sense of happiness in them, which spread into Maya. And she liked it.
What now? He asked.
She sighed at this. We're friends with benefits.
Oh how her life was falling in and out of place. She couldn't even keep balance anymore. Too much pressure. Too much long held in pressure. And she should be happy right now, but she wasn't because of all the pressure that she was holding.
I guess so, he finally said. And the conversation was over. But she wished it wasn't.
But it could never happen. Never.