Hey guys! Uh, I don't own anything, duh, and if you're reading this, I love you already.

Because we're awesome!

Deadpool, what do you think you're doing? The story hasn't even started yet!

I'm breaking the fourth wall and making the writer look like an idiot, it's kinda my thang.

You're gonna make me regret this, aren't you?

Yupperoonies!

Oh joy, and for clarity–

Because that's totally what my stories are full of.

For the sake of clarity Bold Italics is the serious voice in Deadpool's head, AKA Madcap. Wait... Does that count as a spoiler?

That issues's pretty old, and anyone who isn't really following comics doesn't know who he is anyway.

You make a good point. Anyway, Plain Italics is the normal crazy voice in Deadpool's head, the one that's usually in those yellow boxes.

And this is after the books series and anytime in my timeline, 'cause I don't really care!

Thanks! I almost forgot that!

That's what I'm here for! Not really...speaking of which, do you have any tacos?

Uh...Enjoy the story!

Wait! What about the ta–

Deadpool's POV

Deadpool teleported into the forest just outside of Camp Half-Blood. "Whoa, where am I? And where are my tacos?" He shouted spinning in circles to get a better view of his surroundings.

I am really glad no one's here to see us.

Yeah, you look like an idiot.

Which you are.

"Ack! I don't think in little, yellow boxes in anymore! What medium am I in?" He screamed at the sky, falling to his knees in despair.

I stand corrected, now you look like an idiot.

"You're always so mean! We're the same person, you know!"

Stop being an idiot, and we'll stop calling you one.

So, never? Right?

Right.

I'm bored! We should do something!

"I know! Chimichangas!"

That's a great idea!

Too bad we're in the middle of writer-knows-where without a taco stand in sight.

Oh, the horror!

Be quiet, we need to figure out why we're here.

"It's because I'm the awesomest, duh!"

Is that even a word?

"Spellcheck says so!"

When is spellcheck ever right?

He has a point. Remember that time you were texting Wolverine, and–

At this point, the author decided to move on in the story before the Merc with the Mouth ruined her K+ rating, which she was already pushing just by introducing Deadpool. A curly haired teenager ran into the clearing where Deadpool was apparently talking to thin air.

"No I wasn't! I was talking to myself!"

And me.

Ooh ooh ooh! Me too! Me too!

Wait...How are you doing that?

"Medium awareness, duh! Didn't you read the contract for using me in a story?" Deadpool pulled an overly-embellished contract from one of his many pouches. No! I didn't type that! Deadpool, quit overriding my keyboard! A minute ago you didn't know you were in a story!

"Who needs continuity when we have bubblegum?"

Show her the contract.

Oh yeah! Then we can get chimichangas and live happily ever after!

Deadpool circled a paragraph of the contract with red crayon and showed it to the sky. It read 'any writer brave enough to use Deadpool in a story, especially a crossover, will run the risk of Deadpool taking over the story and using it for his own random desires. If the story displeases him, he may even come into the real world, kill the author, and finish writing it himself.'

Wow, I really need to stop signing things without reading them first, I'll sell my soul and not know it one of these days.

That's a very dangerous habit to have.

I know, I know.

Can we get on with it?

"Yeah, we were just getting to the part where big-breasted beauties come out of the woods with tacos and we live happily ever after!"

No, we weren't! Didn't you read the script I sent you?

Script?!

The one you used as a napkin on barbecue chicken pizza night.

Oh that script!

But...but I worked so hard on it!

"Sorry, lady, rule one of Deadpool: Deadpool doesn't do scripts."

I thought rule one was 'fourth walls should be dynamited'?

"Oh right, rule five."

That's 'screw logic, we have cookies'!

"No we don't! You ate them all!"

We are you, you ate them all.

Jerk, you didn't share!

Did you not hear what I just said?

Deadpool turned to the curly-haired teen who'd been watching the scene with a mixture of awe and terror.

Because we're awesome!

He's probably terrified by our stench.

Will you guys stop interrupting me? I'm trying to write a story here!

"Meh, needs more Deadpool."

All it's had is Deadpool so far! I'm starting to regret this...

"If you don't publish an awesome story about my awesomeness, I will find you, and I will shoot you in the balls."

No! My K+ rating! How could you? Wait a second...I'm a girl...

"Then I'll shoot you in the ovaries."

Do you even know where those are?

"I'll bring an anatomy textbook."

No you won't.

"I'll guess."

Wrong!

"Shut up! I'm trying to be threatening!" He turned to the totally bewildered teen, "do you know where the ovaries are?"

"Uh...what?" He started backing away from the obviously crazy person.

Hey! I take offense to that!

But it's true.

Et tu, me?

I don't think Caesar said that.

Close enough!

Not really.

Quit. Interrupting. My. Story.

"Tough luck, it's my story now! Fanfiction, you just got pooled!"

Don't you mean pwned?

"No! I mean what I mean!"

Be who you are and say what you mean, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind?

"Exactly!"

You two have been reading too much Doctor Seuss.

There's no such thing as too much Doctor Suess.

It's too much Doctor Seuss when you start to rhyme and quote him all the time.

"You just rhymed."

Exactly.

"Who are you talking to?" The teen asked slowly.

I wish you'd introduce him already! The readers already know who he is, so why can't we?

You guys need to stop talking to me, you'll confuse the readers, and it's killing the suspension of disbelief...what's left of it anyway.

There's no such thing as disbelief in a Deadpool story! It's all yesbelief!

You're an idiot.

Was there ever any doubt?

"Uh, can you hear me?" Leo Valdez asked nervously, he was beginning to seriously regret his decision to approach the weirdo in red spandex.

"Of course! I'm not deaf!"

Unless someone is expositioning.

"Good point."

"I didn't say anything."

"I wasn't talking to you," Deadpool tapped the side of his head. "Who are you by the way?"

"Leo Valdez, son of Hephaestus, head camper, member of the–"

"It's soooo boring! Make it stop!" Deadpool moaned and promptly shot himself in the head.

Nico's POV

Nico carefully peeled the sheet off of what was left of the corpse's face. "Do you know who he was?" He asked quietly.

"No, he just...I started introducing myself and he just...shot himself..." Leo was obviously still shaken up by what had happened, evident by the lack snarky remarks.

"We need to figure out who he was, how he got past the barriers, and most importantly why."

"I think I can answer, like, most of those questions." An annoying voice said from below them.

Nico, Leo, and Will looked down in confusion them jumped back in shock the corpse sat up at stared at them through the fabric of his mask. Leo and Will looked at the son of Hades with an unspoken question, he merely shrugged, just as confused as they were.

The ex-corpse felt around his lack of face below the jaw area. "After you answer one super important thing," he paused significantly, "have you seen...my nose?" He pointed at the obvious lack of nose on what was left of his masked face. He cocked his head to the side, as if considering something. "No, writer, how could you?" He suddenly shouted, "how could you? I thought we were buds!"

I don't know what you're talking about, now can I please get on with the story?

"How could you change point of view's? I thought we bonded! I thought we had something special!" His voice was so thick with emotion, Nico suspected he was faking.

You were interrupting the narrative with your inner monologue, I had no choice.

"Oh, and Angsty McEmoson is supposed to do a better job?" Nico suddenly had a red-clad finger poking him in the nose, he slowly inched away. "I've read your stories! Now everyone's gonna have to put up with his thoughts!"

What do you–when did you–

"Don't question me! I have my ways! Now the story's gonna be full of snide commentary and 'ooh, blondie's looking hot today' and 'I wish I could could kiss the living daylights out of him'."

A flush crept up Nico's neck, he didn't think like that. Not all the time, at least.

The guy who really should be dead snorted with laughter, "hey, you're right, 'living daylights' is a pretty good pun. High-five, me!" He clapped once then looked around with what probably would have been a self-satisfied grin if he weren't wearing a mask.

Meanwhile, Will made a strangled sound and left the clearing in a hurry, hopefully to get help, not just abandon them with this lunatic.

"Hate to seem him, I love to watch him leave. Am I right, Eeyore?"

Leo smirked, obviously enjoying watching his friend get teased by a spandex freak. Nico wondered if it was too late for him to permanently fade into oblivion

"So, who are you exactly?" Nico asked slowly, forcing himself to keep a level tone.

"I'm the the Merc with the Mouth, the Crimson Comedian, the Regeneratin' Degenerate, the superhero supreme with a side of BAM! But you can call me Deadpool." He stared at their stunned expressions for a moment, "now now, don't rush for autographs all at once. I know I'm famous, but please, you're embarrassing me with all your... Non-reaction."

"Um, okay, why are you here, Deadpool?"

"You know what, Eeyore? You're focused too much on the destination, not the journey you take to get there. You need to stop and smell the roses and pet the pooches and kill the pedestrians and stuff, you know? Something to take your mind of the angst once in a while."

"Um...okay..."

"Is that your catchphrase or is the writer just having a mental breakdown and can't bother to think of something cool for you to say?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

I take offense to that!

"Writer, buddy, I missed you! And here I was thinking you were going to play the silent game with until the end of the chapter!"

I'm writing. That's always silent.

"Don't get smart with me! I know where you live!" He said in a singsong voice.

That's...creepy...and very scary.

"Be afraid, be very afraid."

"Who's he talking to?" Nico whispered nervously.

"No clue, he was doing that before he shot himself too." Leo whispered back.

"You know I can read what you're saying? Right? I mean, I definitely mean hear... And no! I'm not just trying to get on the writer's good side, so we can finish this chapter and get tacos already!"

"Tacos!" Leo shouted, apparently joining the madness that was Deadpool. His so-called friend jumped and ran toward camp at full speed, leaving Nico alone with the lunatic.

"Where's he going in such a hurry?"

Nico shrugged, "must be taco night."

"Tacos!" Deadpool shouted and left Nico to ponder what his life had become while he sought out the tacos.

Thank the gods! I survived! Deadpool hasn't killed me!

Yet.

Why won't you leave me alone? I wrote your story!

The story's not over until I get several lovely ladies and a big paycheck.

Umm... How about reviews instead? You like reviews, right?

Good point! Review or I will track you down and castrate you with bullets!

Don't threaten the readers! Are you trying to get my account suspended?!

Fine. Review or the writer gets it!

That's better... Wait, what?! Someone, help me! Please!

—XOXO your friendly neighborhood kumquat

— And your not so friendly neighborhood Deadpool!