Short Toby ficlet, focusing on his relationship with Jenna, mentions Spencer. Told in first person. My first attempt, and I'm not overly good at it. Was originally written in second person, and although I've triple checked, the tenses might be a little skewed.

Rated M for dark themes. Implies the rather squicky end of the relationship between Jenna and Toby. Based on the series.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.

Power

On being the finding that no matter what you do, how innocent you are, how many times you scream that it wasn't you, there will always be people who won't forgive.

On being Toby Cavanaugh.

Jenna had all the cards from the start. It's easy now to see why she targeted me. I never gave her much of a reason not to. I was polite to her on the first meeting. Smiled at her, tried to make her feel welcome. I was off balance anyway, bewildered by my fathers sudden desire to move on and get engaged. I know I was vulnerable. Easy. (I don't want to think of myself as weak, but ...)

If I'd been paying some form of attention, I might have processed the warning signs.

Jenna never took her eyes off me. Touched me as often as she could during that first meeting, hand on my arm, my shoulder, my face (she swore I looked ill and was checking for fever). It made me nervous, sure, but I didn't think to much of it. I should have put a stop to it there. I should have been frightened. I should have told somebody, before Jenna's accusations, her threats, put me so firmly under her thumb I couldn't move.

I didn't. I should have, but I didn't. Hind sight is a wonderful thing.

The first time she slept with me, I barely remember. I know I said no, tried to walk away, and I know she said something that made me stop. The rest is a blur and the next thing I clearly remember is sitting in the shower. It sort of scares me, that lapse in memory. Jenna never gave me any information on it.

She knows, after that, that she's got me. I play along. I have too. She has all the power. When I'm difficult (and it makes me feel like a naughty puppy when she calls me that), she pulls out the same old threats, and there are times I want to yell at her to go ahead. Tell people whatever the hell she wants, because I can't do this anymore. But even if I did, she'd call my bluff, smile sweetly and then kiss me anyway.

It's not until Alison and her stupid, stupid flash bomb, or grenade or whatever the fuck it was, that I get any sense of freedom. Oh sure, Alison blackmails me too, and I do hate her a little for that, but it gets me away from Jenna and for that I have to thank her.

(Which probably wasn't the best idea, but again, hind sight. 20x20 and all that)

I know Alison probably made my situation worse. At least before, people only called me a freak. Not y'know, accused me of murder, and shouted death threats at me and looked at me like I was scum. However, she also gave me the strength and the personal freedom to stand up to Jenna, and that's got to count for something. Breaking free from Jenna and finding Spencer has got to count for something, because if it doesn't I might just give up.

Sure, Jenna still scares me, no matter how much I swear that she doesn't. Jenna still has a lot of power, and when she corners me, slaps me, it brings back the old terror and shame and I feel like I'm going to puke. I know she's only this angry because she doesn't have me anymore, Spencer does (and I really hope Spencer doesn't wind up getting hurt) and I take courage and comfort from that.

"Fight when you can't run, and run when you can't fight". I'm not the 'easy target' now.

Still though ...

There's times, when Spencer instigates a kiss, or a hug, I flinch and every fiber of my being screams at me to run. Until I remember that it's Spencer, and she would never hurt me.

There's been several long nights I'm too terrified to sleep. Jenna's there, in the house, and we're alone and her steps never sound on the stairs, but panic makes me sure they will.

Just because I can fight the monster doesn't mean I can win.

And it terrifies me to lose.

xXx

Well, that's it. Drop a review on the way out.

- Panda