Absolution
Everything was different when they were children.
When he remembers his childhood - their childhood - a dull ache settles in his stomach. He recalls the bright burning of the sun, scraped knees, Lucrezia's giggling, her laughter, her tears.
Tempus fugit, he thinks and glances at his sister; she is praying. Her richly ornamented, red brocade gown is crumpled beneath her as she kneels in front of the altar; her palms are pressed together as she mutters with her eyes closed. Cesare remains in the shadows, he feels lost. Religion was the only path she ever took knowing that he could not follow. In God she found her consolation and Cesare found his in her - even the opportunity to gaze at her pious figure brought him peace.
As the years passed, she changed and his once innocent sister developed some steel. And thus he cursed himself for thinking she would forgive him the murder of Alfonso, her second husband. Cesare could not stand to see her in another man's embrace, her gaze affectionate and soft but not looking at him, not seeing him.
Jealousy and despair went hand in hand and attacked as tandem, he found. He gave the order and that same night Micheletto strangled Alfonso; Sancia and Lucrezia's wails echoed throughout the Vatican halls. He was afraid to look Lucrezia in the eye, afraid that instead of his sweet sister he would see a stranger. This was the first time he dared follow her as she sought refuge in a small convent near Rome. This was the first time he was in her presence since the burial.
Lucrezia sensed that she was not alone; there was only a limited number of persons who would follow her and dare interrupt her most intimate of prayers. Giulia. Adriana. Cesare.
Cesare.
Her shoulders tensed and she straightened her back. She was not ready to look upon him still. So she continued praying, concentrating on the cold feeling of marble against her knees. Cesare could feel mild panic flooding his mind. He attempted to reminisce the words with which he were to justify himself but now that he was in Lucrezia's presence every word dissipated. His mind was blank.
Lucrezia crossed herself and Cesare took a step back into the shadows.
Hello, brother, her voice was clear and calm when she greeted him and it came as a shock to both of them when she approached him by a few steps. The clear, sharp sunlight shone upon her white face and Cesare was stunned with the effect her grief had upon her body. Gaunt, he thought.
Come into the light, she ordered him; her voice was firm and cold. Her tone made his heart clench. He obeyed her even though he knew not how. One moment he was in the shadows and the next he found himself kneeling before her.
Crezia, he groaned.
She made a movement as if to pull him up but he put his arms around her waist, burying his nose into the folds of her dress. The familiar scent that was Lucrezia washed over him and he suddenly felt weak and sick from all the sweetness.
Absolva me!, he said, his voice strained.
She was silent but her palms slipped into his hair; she twirled the dark locks around her pale fingers. The juncture seemed infinite.
Stand up, brother, he heard her say and then he felt her hands tugging at his shoulders.
He rose up.
Very slowly, in an almost dream-like motion, she placed a kiss upon his open lips. It was only then that he noticed that she was trembling.
My Judas, she whispered, ego te absolvo.
Then, he kissed her back.