An Agreement
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Follow up to Anger and Passion. Hope you like it. R&R is appreciated.
Olivia was sitting at her desk finishing up the last of her DD5's, half an ear listening to Casey talk to the gang about a job well done, the other half listening for the determined click of high heels that would announce the entrance of ADA Cabot. For the past 3 weeks since 'the incident' she had been determined to distance herself from the younger blonde attorney. She knew it was hurting and confusing the counsellor and just plain confused the rest of the squad. It was the hardest thing she had to do in her life but she was determined to make it stick.
At first it was easy, Alex gave her space and Olivia had thought she was in the clear, one pleasurable night so they would never die wondering, then back to co workers and maybe friends eventually. However after the first week Alex had been determined. It started with sitting on her desk and trying to engage her in questions not pertaining to their cases. Questions like asking her for a drink or dinner. Questions she had no hesitation in shooting down in flames.
Next it had been inviting herself to come along for drinks and dinners she had with the guys after work, things she had deliberately not been invited too but had found out from Casey and tagged along. The guys had looked at her pointedly on those times, it had been her responsibility to ask, she'd said she had and that Alex was busy. Alex had been good so far, waving it away as a misunderstanding. Everyone knew better. She was acting like an arse, she knew but the damn woman wasn't getting the point.
Today had been the day when she finally broke and did something that she swore she would never do. Be deliberately nasty and in front of an audience. It had started with the delivery of beautiful roses first thing this morning. One look at the card and Olivia had picked them up and strode out of the station ignoring the other's startled looks.
Alex had been in a meeting with Casey when she had stormed into her office and slammed the roses down on her desk.
"Leave. Me. Alone" she had grated out between clenched teeth and ignoring the pain in those blue eyes turned and nodding at Novak left.
"Hey Liv you coming for a drink" Nick Amaro, the guy who had replaced Elliot asked. He was a nice guy but he wasn't Elliot. She had resented him initially but after an arse chewing by her Captain had come to the late conclusion it wasn't the poor newbie's fault.
"Yeah" she replied the same time Casey stated
"No, Olivia and I have a dinner engagement" and shot a determined look at brunette daring her to contradict. Olivia raised a surprised brow then shrugged. She'd never been overly friendly with Casey, too hung up on Alex originally to give the red head a chance. Maybe she had erred and they could be friends.
"Yeah sorry guys forgot there for a moment" she shrugged and they waved her off with a 'next time'. Within moments the rest of the crew had left and Olivia turned to Casey one slim eyebrow raised "Well, what's this all about?"
"Finish up your DD5 detective and don't worry about Alex, last I saw her she was heading home, with the roses you'd rejected" she stated pointedly and Olivia felt a twinge of guilt at that "I'll meet you at Donatello's in an hour" Casey stood from her seat perched on the edge of her desk. Alex's seat. She stared up at the ADA and nodded, watching her stroll out before turning back to her paperwork, slightly intrigued by what Casey had to say.
Casey was waiting for her at a table for two as she strolled into the restaurant, waved at the owner and didn't bother to wait to be seated before joining Casey. They made small talk while they read the menus and placed their orders. Finally Olivia turned to look at Casey and asked
"Ok, what's on your mind?"
"You have to ask detective, after what I witnessed today? What everyone's witnessed the past 3 weeks" Casey shook her head and sighed sadly while watching the detective with disappointed green eyes.
"That's between Alex and I" Olivia stated firmly, eyes narrowed in warning. Where did Casey get off thinking she could interfere in this? Only the thought of being offside with both their ADA's kept her firmly in her seat.
"Then keep it there. At the moment you're involving the whole squad, classic example is you lying about Alex joining us for drinks earlier this week" Casey pointed out firmly "Alex had a right to be there, she doesn't have a problem with the squad, if you can't handle her then you need to avoid these things not deliberately cut her out. That is not the Olivia I remember"
"You don't know shit about the situation" Olivia whispered vehemently and Casey cocked an eyebrow at this, seeing the anger and pain in Olivia.
"On the contrary Olivia the whole Station and 1PP knows everything about it" Casey contradicted and smiled at a slack jawed detective "I was warned the first time I joined the unit that you would be hostile towards me because you just lost your love, before you woke up to what you had. It took me maybe a week to realise it had been Alex. You resented me being there when it was hardly my fault. I was glad you mellowed over time." Casey paused and decided to lay it all out there "I saw your pain after she left the second time without a goodbye, the anger and hurt when she came back but didn't return your calls and let's not go into how self destructive you got when you found out she was engaged"
Olivia dropped her head, refusing to meet Casey's eyes as that barb hit home and dug particularly deep. Dammit.
"I kick myself for messing up and having been suspended but was happy when I was told Alex had rejoined the unit. I thought it would allow my friend to be happy again. I was shocked when my source told me Alex had taken off again" she shook her head "That was a surprise but I think there are some real deep issues there Olivia, issues that you need to ask her about before you cut her out of your life completely."
Olivia opened her mouth to answer but Casey held up her hand
"She broke down today Liv, Alex never breaks down." Casey's eyes were steely and Olivia felt like a misbehaved 2 year old under the stare the same time guilt started to gnaw away at her. "I don't have to be a mind reader or a detective to know those hickees she sported proudly 3 weeks ago came from you or the fact you walked away after. Quite frankly you're a fool and a wimp Olivia Benson. You had everything you ever wanted on a platter and you threw it all away on a game of petty one upmanship"
The waiter coming with their food saved Olivia from a bigger tongue lashing or maybe it prevented her from doing what she does best, running away. As it was they sat through a silent tense meal, both enjoying the food if not each other's company at the moment.
Olivia was never more relieved when the meal was finally over and they didn't linger over coffee or dessert. She tried to argue with Casey about the bill but Casey remained steadfast, handing over her card and paying before they stepped outside. Olivia said goodnight, intending to go home and stew but Casey caught her arm to halt her.
"Olivia, be angry with me for talking to you but don't take it out on Alex as she has no idea I am doing this. You need to think clearly Liv, about what you want. Do you want to give Alex a chance, try a real relationship and maybe find some happiness to fill your life, or are you going to go on living as you are and let life pass you by as you wallow in self pity" Casey smiled to lessen the blow as Olivia stared at her stunned "It's up to you detective, I know what I would do if I had an incredibly hot woman like Alex after me" she stated pointedly and without saying goodbye turned and walked away.
Olivia could only stand and watch her walk away wondering what on Earth brought that all on and more importantly what she planned to do about it all.
Alex was sitting on her couch again, music blaring as she stared at the roses that she'd bought for Olivia as a last effort, trying to tell the detective without actually saying the words exactly how she felt. By sending them to the station she was also indicating she didn't care who knew. She was over running and hiding. She wanted the brown eyed woman and she didn't care who knew about it. Olivia threw it all back in her face by returning the roses.
Alex sighed and she blinked away fresh tears, refusing to shed any more. She'd been crying most of the day and evening. If this was how Olivia was going to treat her she wished it had been before the magical night the other week, before she'd had a glimpse of what could have been.
She groaned as the doorbell rang, she really wasn't up to visitors. She hoped it wasn't Casey, the woman had been hovering all day. She appreciated the chance to get to know the other attorney and was glad for the mellowing of late but she really didn't want to go over things again. Sighing she scrambled to her feet and made her way towards the front door, yelling at the person on the other side to hold their horses she was coming. She did the cursory peek through the peep hole and her jaw literally hit the floor as she saw the last person she expected to be standing there. What on Earth? What to do now?
"Alex please, I know you're there you called out remember. Let me in so we can talk" the detective called and Alex, never one to be able to deny her detective anything, started to turn the deadbolt. Best they get this over with now and one way or another move on. Throwing open the door she didn't bother inviting the older woman in, the open door offer enough, as she spun on her heels and stalked back to her couch.
She was aware of Olivia entering, of locking the door as she picked up a cushion and sat on the couch, one leg hooked under the other, while she hugged the cushion to her chest. She realised her apartment was a mess, that used tissues strewn over her coffee table indicated to her crying jags but she didn't care. She sat stonily staring off into space while she waited to hear what the detective had to say.
Olivia stepped cautiously into the living room, not really sure what she was doing there other than 1: she was weak 2: Some of Casey's words had hit home 3: It was time for Alex and herself to have an honest heart to heart anyway.
Taking in the room at a glance she winced at seeing the roses Alex had bought her sitting on the coffee table surrounded by at least a half box of used tissues. Well shit.
Sighing she moved to sit on the other end of the couch, not surprised when Alex shuffled even further away from her. She wondered where to start, how to convey everything she was feeling and decided to start at the beginning.
"I fell for you the second I laid eyes on you" she stated and watched as Alex's head shot around and blue eyes stared at her in shock. She gave a self depreciating smile as she leant forward, elbows on knees and hands clasped. Bending her head so she couldn't see Alex's reactions she continued.
"However we all knew you were a spy for the Morrissey Commission. That and I was the daughter of a rapist and Alcoholic, I knew I had no chance..."
"Olivia" Alex groaned, surely they had gotten past that but she remained silent as Olivia shook her head and continued.
"I was blue blood, a cop, while you let everyone know we were stepping stones to a Political career. So I told myself to get over you and kept on my merry way" she buried her head in her hands "Then you mellowed, we became friends, did things together and I started to hope, dream that maybe, just maybe... and then Velez happened"
"I was so stupid not to listen to you sooner" Alex groaned
"I realised not having you there at all was worse than being your friend and watching you date guys like Langan"
"Business dinner" Alex rolled her eyes wondering if she would ever live that down "besides which we used to be friends in Law school until he joined the dark side"
"Oh to have a business dinner with you back then" Olivia smirked before returning to the task at hand "It was worse you know, knowing you were out there somewhere, not knowing if you were returning. If you had died I could have at least grieved and moved on. Then you did return, talking about life as Emily and some guy you were seeing, it was like a slap in the face, I'd spent the years alone"
"Oh Liv" Alex hadn't know that, she'd never said.
"After you left again I told myself that enough was enough and I tried to move on" Olivia shook her head "I just couldn't, I compared everyone to you, it was stupid and wrong and people never measured up, then I heard you were back. Initially I thought you hadn't contacted because you were busy coming back from the dead but you never returned my phone calls and I found out you were Engaged, in the papers Alex. Jesus!"
"I'm so sorry" Alex sniffed "I can't even pretend to tell you what I was thinking back then, I just don't know, it's all such a blur now. I was stupid, scared, a total utter mess really"
They shared a long look while assessing each other's honesty before Olivia sighed and slouched back into her corner of the couch.
"Rumours started to circulate about you and Jim Steele and then I heard the engagement was over"
"Robert was a good man, he deserved better than that. By this stage I was starting to wake up and realise my mistakes, only to compound them with others" Alex rolled her eyes.
"Yes then you just showed up at a scene one day as if the last few years hadn't happened. Despite my misgivings I gave you another chance"
"Only for me to organise a year's sabbatical without talking to you first and you found out from a victim instead of directly from me" Alex closed her eyes and cursed her stupidity for the millionth time.
"You hurt me so bad Alex, and each time you left another scar on my heart. I promised myself I wouldn't let you in again" Olivia glanced at the blonde, finding her watching her intensely. "This time I would get what I wanted and walk away"
"Teach me what it's like to hurt" Alex nodded in understanding "Well it sucks, big time"
"Yeah" Olivia agreed, looking anywhere but at the blonde.
"So why are you here?" Alex asked, hardening her heart to the fact that Olivia was going to tell her she wanted to clear the air and maybe remain friends. She figured it was the absolute best she could hope for. It was better than what she'd had the past three weeks.
"I had dinner with Casey tonight" Olivia smirked "She's a good friend Alex, she really let me have it"
Oh? Alex was surprised. It was a far cry from the mistrust of a month ago. They had been able to work in relative harmony recently. They were turning out to be a formidable team.
"Basically she told me I could die an old miserable spinster or take a chance" Olivia shrugged and Alex's heart pounded in her chest as hope filled her. Did that mean that Olivia had chosen the latter by coming here. She turned to Olivia who was watching her with serious brown eyes "I don't know what it means Alex. I just needed to talk, to let you know either way I'm sorry I acted like a jerk recently and no matter what I will try to behave better in future"
"I appreciate that" Alex nodded and offered up a smile, hope still fluttering inside her, Olivia hadn't exactly said no, she still had a chance.
"Well I had better go, it's getting late" Olivia stood, trying to be strong and refusing to look at Alex, sensing her disappointment. If she looked at Alex now she would cave. She started to walk for the front door, aware that Alex had jumped up behind her and was following her out. She paused at the threshold, her mind warring with her body as Alex came up behind her. Her head screamed at her to run while her body told her to turn around and see if she could receive another night of pleasure. She told her heart to take a holiday for a while.
"You never gave me a chance to tell my side of the story" Alex whispered behind her and Olivia groaned, she couldn't hear this now. She'd practically admitted to Alex she'd been in love with her for 12 years, she needed to get out, build up her defences a bit more. "Liv?"
"Alex please" Olivia groaned
"I fell for you too Liv" Alex whispered softly "I know I didn't show it well but I was young and confused and I had a lifetime of ingrained do's and don'ts I was struggling against"
"Don't" Olivia whispered hoarsely reaching for the door but not opening it. She shivered as Alex pressed against her and reaching out covered her hand with a pale slender one.
"Don't go" Alex whispered "I'll do whatever you want, go as fast or slow, casual or deep as you want. Just please stay"
"Casual?" Olivia queried turning towards her with a raised eyebrow and watched as the beautiful woman flushed and looked down.
"Yes, if that's what you want. If that's what it means to be able to be with you" Alex nodded and Olivia didn't know whether to be offended or intrigued. Could they do casual, be friends and when the urge or opportunity occurred jump into bed? If she was honest it wasn't what she wanted, but there was a part of her, the bruised and battered part, that thought it was a great idea. Get some sex without having to risk her heart.
"So friends with benefits thing? If the benefits don't work out we go back to being friends?" Olivia clarified and Alex sighed deeply, hoping she sounded casual all the time her heart was beating out of her chest. This was a start, she could show Olivia what it could be like to be together, show her what a relationship could entail, prove to her she was going nowhere all under the guise of friends with benefits.
"If that's what you want" she told the detective.
"I don't know what I want" Olivia groaned while allowing Alex to take her hand and lead her away from the front door and towards the back of the apartment, turning off lights as they went. She shouldn't be doing this, she should be leaving, thinking about it with a clear head away from Alex who had the ability to turn her mind into mush. As they stepped into the bedroom Alex turned to her, pressing her lithe body against her and she was lost.
"Let me show you, just one more night to show you what you could have, whenever you want it" Alex leant forward and kissed her softly "After that I promise I will respect your decision"
She never let Olivia have time to respond, once again closing the gap and kissing her tenderly. When the brunette tried to deepen it she pulled back slightly, whispering to her that they were going to take it slow this time, that she wanted Olivia to know what she could have, wanted her to feel, to observe. Olivia sighed and trembled, turning herself over to Alex's capable hands.
Alex undressed her slowly, trailing her hands with her lips, pausing when Olivia uttered a moan or cry that indicated a particularly sensitive spot. Olivia just locked her knees and prayed she didn't do anything embarrassing, like come before she was naked. Alex's hands were pure magic, her tongue and lips wickedly talented.
One article of clothing after another hit the floor under Alex's gentle encouragement, Olivia too deep in a total sexual haze to know what was going on other than Alex was incredible. She had enough presence of mind to secure her badge and firearm in the bedside drawer closest to the door, it was the side she slept in before and being the protector it was the side she would take, if things turned out.
Once naked she stood there swaying and staring as Alex hastily stripped out of her own clothes before stepping back in and pressing their naked bodies together again. Olivia groaned at the contact while Alex sighed, placing her head on a strong shoulder. They stood together for long moments, just enjoying the contact of skin on skin, of arms around each other and being together again before the cold hit them and shivering they crawled into bed.
There Alex rolled on top of Olivia, taking the dominant roll, Olivia obliging her and letting her set the pace. She was soon shivering for an altogether different reason other than the cold as Alex latched onto a chocolate nipple and suckled strong, her hands wandering over the outside of her thighs, up over her hips to her sides and back down again, stoking the fire inside her.
Olivia cradled her lovers head and relaxed enjoying the sensation, never realising she was so sensitive. Her nipples had never been this taught or sensitive for her male lovers and they never spent this amount of attention on her except when trying to ogle down her top. Her breathing became choppy as Alex spent her time moving from one breast to the other, it also became harder to keep her hips still as her ardour increased.
"You are so lovely" Alex murmured against her skin "So beautiful. All lean and toned but curvy too" she raised her head and cupped the generous breasts before her while looking deep into the doe eyes staring back at her "I spent many hours staring at your arse while you walked Olivia but I think I may just be a breast girl. Your boobs are exquisite" she teased and watched the older woman flush. Alex knew it wasn't just embarrassment but also desire. Olivia seemed to enjoy her talking to her in bed.
"Of course I like your shoulders too" she trailed her hands across said shoulders "So strong, deceptively so, not to mention your hands" she cupped both her lovers hands in her own, kissing each finger in turn "When they are arresting a perp they are so commanding and firm but touching me the other night" Alex shuddered at the memory "You played me like a violin Liv, so beautiful"
Olivia groaned, her heart beating hard in her chest, her arousal increasing tenfold. She loved hearing her lover talk, had spent hours in court just to hear her talk. Listening to her now though as Alex talked about making love was just too much and cupping the back of her head she pulled the blonde in for a kiss. Not as deep and passionate as the previous time but more so than others they had shared tonight.
"I need you" she groaned and flexed her hips up, causing the blonde to gasp when she felt how accurate those words were. "Please Lex" she begged.
Alex kissed Olivia deeply, humbled that the woman was begging and deciding this time at least she would give in to her, next time she was going slower. Settling herself over the brunettes strong thigh she kissed her deeply while tracing her hand down her chest, over her pebbled breast, flat stomach and neat wiry curls until she came upon copious amounts of heat and arousal.
Olivia whimpered into her mouth as she caressed her gently, lubricating two of her fingers well before searching out her hidden secrets, finding it tight and quivering but ready for her penetration and without hesitation she sunk two fingers deep. Olivia broke the kiss and cried out, hands fisting in the sheets as Alex set a slow steady rhythm that drove her mad with need.
Alex bent down to nibble on her ear as she ground herself down on a toned thigh, stimulating her clit and setting off sparks deep in her womb. As the sparks increased so did the pace, breathing became erratic and groans started to fill the air. Alex hissed as two strong hands grasped her buttocks and urged her into a faster pace, pulling her in tighter and sending a warning pulse straight to her core. She knew if she wasn't careful she would come without Olivia so she bent down to whisper in her ear
"God you feel so good around me, so tight and wet. I can feel your muscles clenching" she smiled as Olivia started crying out with each thrust and she curled her fingers inside her lover "I want to feel you come Olivia, I want to feel you clench hard around me, I want to hear you call my name. I want my neighbours to know I one lucky bitch tonight"
Olivia's eyes popped wide as Alex found the spot on her vaginal wall the same time as her thumb flicked her clit and she rocketed "Jesus H Christ ALEX!" the scream echoed off the walls soon followed by the sharp cry of release from Alex. They held each other tight, bodies shaking with spasm after spasm of aftershocks, both awed by the power of their orgasm.
Long minutes later Alex was curled up to Olivia's side gently running the tips of her fingers up and down her lover's side.
"Hmmmm" Olivia hummed blinking her eyes open to gaze down at her lover "That was incredible"
"Incredible hardly begins to describe it" Alex sighed happily and tilted her head up to look at Olivia with a smile. "I figured you enjoyed it" she teased and watched the older woman blush. "It's a wonder my neighbours haven't come knocking"
"Alex!" Olivia groaned, covering her face with her forearm. Alex laughed and rising up onto her elbow pulled the offending arm away.
"I'll have you know I spent tens of thousands of dollars sound proofing this apartment. Mainly so I could play my music loud whenever I wanted and to keep the noise of the neighbours out on the rare occasion I got to sleep in" she grinned "it just so happens to come in handy for vocal lovers too"
"Been many have there?" Olivia asked with a raised eyebrow
"No, only one" Alex admitted suddenly serious "The only one"
"Alex" Olivia warned before she was silenced with a hot hungry kiss. Olivia smiled into the kiss, this was more like it, as she rolled her lover over and took control.
In the morning when Alex woke she was initially scared to open her eyes or reach for the other side of the bed. That was until she felt movement behind her and a warm naked body pressed against her back and a slender but strong arm curved around her waist pulling her even tighter.
"I know you're awake Alexandra" a pair of soft lips started nibbling at her pulse point that sped up under the ministrations "I've been waiting for ages for you to wake"
Alex groaned as she blinked open her eyes and realised it was still dark in the room. Looking at her bedside clock she realised it was only 5.00am. They only been asleep for 4 hours.
"Liv we only fell asleep at one" she complained "My alarm doesn't go off for another 2 hours, it's Saturday"
"So you don't want me to do this?" Olivia teased as she nipped an ear and raised a hand to cup and aching breast causing the younger woman to groan, her nipples coming to life. "Or maybe this?" the same hand made its way south, over a flat abdomen past tight curls, through thighs which were opened and welcomed to the wet heat below.
"Oh God" Alex groaned as Olivia's talented fingers found her clit and started to circle.
"Nope just me" Olivia chuckled as Alex spun in bed giving her greater access and hungry lips searched for her own. "So I take it you don't want to go back to sleep?" she asked as she dipped her fingers into Alex's tight sheath.
"Stop now and I swear I will kill you" Alex hissed and arched high on a cry of delight as Olivia thrust in all the way. She couldn't believe how ready she was, or how close to orgasm she was without any foreplay. "Liv" she breathed
Olivia watched the beautiful attorney come undone beneath her hands and had to smile as Alex screamed her name. This casual friends with benefits agreement was just what they both needed.