So I came back home for Thanksgiving break, and my younger sisters and I got out our Star Wars action figures and played around a bit. We decided to record what happened. (I really don't know why.) It does have an overall plot (kinda), but this is more of an I-really-don't-know-what's-going-on-so-why-not-post-it-online-and-let-everyone-see-how-weird-we-are thing! Enjoy!
OH, and the characters all know that they're plastic action figures. Just so you know. ;)
"Hey, Obi-Wan?"
"Yes, Anakin?"
"I think Dooku's about to break through our defenses- oh, wait! He's right there!" Anakin pointed to the black-clad figure that had just appeared next to him and his old master.
"Hello, guys, I'm Count Dooku. I'm waving my sword arm around, because if you squeeze my legs together, that's what happens! Hey! Don't throw a hologram at me! Though... that didn't actually hurt."
Anakin looked, surprised, at Obi-Wan. "Yeah, master, holograms are literally… projections. They're not going to help… or hurt anybody."
"Do I care, Anakin?" He turned to look at the Knight, his expression unchanged. His face was made of plastic, after all.
"One would think you would, being a Jedi Master and all!"
"I'm still here, waving my sword arm! Aaaarh!" Dooku shouted.
"Dooku." But the Sith Lord was not listening, intent as he was on trying to hit anyone with his arm. "Dooku. Dooku. Dooku!"
"Yes, Anakin?"
"You're not even holding a Lightsaber!"
A random clone jumped into the conversation next to Dooku, waving his right arm up and down with the same motion as the Count."I must join you!"
"Oh. I should probably go remedy that," Dooku responded to Anakin. "Awaaaaaayyy!"
"Okay, Dooku just ran away."
"I will stand here and kill you," the aforementioned clone was not deterred by the sudden lack of Sith Lord by his side.
"… You know I have a Lightsaber in my hands, right?" Obi-Wan asked the clone casually. In response, the clone took a couple of steps forward, his still-flying fist impacting solidly with Obi-Wan's jaw. "You just punched a Jedi Master!" Obi-Wan shouted in disbelief.
"Was that- Was that even one of our clones?" Anakin asked, staring after the swiftly retreating back of the clone.
"I don't even know."
"Okay, just checking."
"Um, Sass is wearing a cloak?"
"Sass is wearing a cloak." The being in question approached slowly, humming loudly his own theme song.
"Um, I think I should put this away before he gets here; I might use it on him…" Obi-Wan quickly deactivated his Lightsaber, clipping it back onto his belt with one deft move. Sass stopped in front of the pair of Jedi, and Obi-Wan recognized whose cloak the other was wearing. "Sass, give the cloak back to Adi."
"I can daydream, can't I, sir?"
Without even a look at each other, the Jedi responded simultaneously. "No."
Anakin sighed. "You're a droid. You're a reprogrammed Battle Droid. Not a Jedi."
"You put the sass in me."
"… That was my mistake."
"Anakin…" Obi-Wan did not even need to ask.
"I think I fell asleep! It wasn't my fault. Maybe Snips got in there and did it."
Obi-Wan raised his arms straight above his head. He paused. "Imagine me facepalming right now. I can't… physically reach my face!"
Ahsoka came running up. "Did you say something to me, Master?"
"I did."
"Sir!" A clone in green armor came up to them on horseback.
"What?" Ahsoka responded.
"What do you want, Rex? Cody? Er, whichever one you are? You all look the same!" Anakin flubbed.
"Gree! That's Gree! Imagine the color of his armor, without the 'n'! GREEEEEEEEE!" Ahsoka stretched the last word for emphasis.
"…That sounds like a really nasty dish that comes from Dex's Diner!"
"Sir." Gree said.
"What?" Obi-Wan questioned.
"What?" Anakin asked a split second after.
"I just saw count Dooku and Ventress planning an attack…"
"Maybe I should put my hands down now…" Obi-Wan cut in, his hands still above his head from trying to facepalm.
"Yeah, waving your hands around in the air isn't helping…" Suddenly, Anakin started shouting, "WAVE THEM IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE!"
"Guys. Guys, this is serious," Gree tried to get their attention.
"Is this serious? Are you sure?" Anakin asked.
"What's going on with your head?" Obi-Wan had been staring at the clone for a while.
"It's on sideways, Sir. Why did I call you 'Sir'?" Anakin asked himself confusedly.
"I'm looking at Anakin, Sir." Gree tried to keep his voice pleasant.
"Oh, that's right, I am over here."
"Because he seems to be the more behaved than you." Gree continued.
Ahsoka piped up. "Actually, you think my master's more behaved, but he's not."
Anakin scoffed. "…Snips, you can't even talk."
"Wha- Why?"
"Because… No one understands what you're saying." Ahsoka suddenly, inexplicably kicked her master in the face. "Don't kick me in the face, I'm your Master! Hey, don't throw holograms at me! Again, they don't hurt!"
"So… are we going to do something about Ventress and Dooku, or-" Gree tried, once again, to get them on track.
"Does your head really turn that far?" Obi-Wan was too engrossed with this topic to think of anything else, though.
Gree gave up. "…I'm just gonna leave now."
"Okay. I appreciate the report about Dooku, we'll get right on that," Anakin told Gree.
"Good."
"The report is late," Ventress' silky voice came from right next to them, where the Sith had shown up.
"…I'm just gonna leave now," Gree repeated.
"Ventress, please, don't even- don't even get near Obi-Wan right now," Anakin asked. "We don't need the sass right now. We don't need the flirting. Stop… Sass?"
The Battle Droid's mechanic voice piped up. "Here you go, I'm right here, I'll break it up. I'll break it up."
"Sass, what are you even doing here?" Ventress grabbed the droid's shoulders. "You're supposed to be back at the camp."
Anakin watched what was happening, but one thing he could not let go. "Sass, hitting Ventress with your head is not-"
"HEY! I CAN SEE BACKWARDS!"
"What did you do to him? Whatever. I'm leaving."
"Okay. Bye, Ventress!" Anakin shouted cheerily.
Sass was running around with his head on backwards. "Wheee! WHEEEEEEEE!"
"I don't even know what to say right now," Anakin told Obi-Wan.
"Sass?" Obi-Wan addressed he droid.
"Yes, Sir?"
"Go sit in a corner!"
"Aww…. I can't physically hang my head, but I'm dejected."
"Go sit in the corner."
"But I don't want to listen to Obi-Wan. Masteeeeer!"
"You do realize I've got a gun in my hand."
"Can I go get some food?" Sass suddenly turned and asked Anakin.
"You don't eat," the Knight replied.
"Well, then can I smell it?"
"You can't-" Obi-Wan began.
"Yeah, go smell food," Anakin said. Anything to get the droid to shut up.
"And then go sit in the corner!" Obi-Wan shouted after him.
"NO!"
"…Droids."
A strange buzzing noise filled the air, and then a giant, four-winged bug landed in front of Anakin.
"Um, oh. Well, wow. Hello, er, giant bug. Do you… have a name?"
"Yes."
"Ohmygosh you speak! That… was not expected." Anakin cleared his throat. "Okay, hello, um-"
"Bugseye."
"What is- what?"
"Bugseye."
"Bugseye?" Anakin repeated.
"Bugseye."
"Like, as in one word?"
"Bugseye."
"Okay…. Is that all you can say?"
"Bugseye."
"Wow… You said 'yes' a minute ago…"
"Yes."
"Erm… so you can say 'yes' and 'Bugseye'?"
"Bugseye."
"Does 'Bugseye' mean 'no'?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
"Would you like me to shoot it?" Cody cut in, but was ignored.
"So Bugseye means 'no'."
"Yes."
"So what is your name?"
"Bugseye."
"Your name is 'no'?"
"Bugseye!"
"No, your name is not 'No,' your name is 'Bugseye?"
"Yes."
"Wow."
"Imagine me facepalming…" Cody said, "cuz I can't reach my face!"
That caught Anakin's attention. "Wait, are you Cody or Rex?"
"I'm Cody. And you're really dumb."
"Thank you for your opinion, Cody."
"You're welcome, sir."
With much difficulty, the bug reached up (he had no elbow joints) and clicked the button on its collar. "I have this collar that translates what I'm thinking. Ventress and Dooku are at your lines. You might want to attend to that."
Anakin thought for a moment. "Hey, can I ride you, Bugseye?"
"Yes."
"Cool."
"Did you turn your collar off again?" Cody asked, noticing the one-syllable response.
"Yes."
"I guess he has to turn it on by touching it, but he can turn it off without touching it. It's- it's a thing," Anakin tried to explain.
"Bugseye."
"I'm just gonna try to grasp your antennae, even though my hand does not open or bend that way…"
Cody looked at the Knight. "You're going to hurt the bug, sir."
"Bugseye."
"He just said 'no'! What's going on?" Cody asked.
"His collar's malfunctioning. And now I'm sitting awkwardly… Okay. Let's do this."
"Sir, you're just an awkward person."
"Thank you."
"Artoo, you've just been sitting there the whole time, you haven't even beeped." Cody looked to the little Astromech droid sitting next to Obi-Wan.
"Beep, whistle, wheee!"
"Which way would you like to go?" Bugseye asked the Jedi.
"Towards Ventress. I'm going to jump on them from above and attack them."
"Cool." The bug took off, circling around the camp once before heading over to the Siths' last known location.
"I see you," Ventress called from the ground, causing Bugseye to scream… all the way back to the Jedi camp.
"What happened?" Obi-Wan asked his old Padawan.
"Well, we just flew over Ventress and I was going to attack her with my Lightsaber but then she said that she saw us and Bugsy ran away."
"Bugseye."
"Bugseye."
"I got scared," the giant bug complained.
"Anyway. So Snips!"
"What?" Snips snipped.
"Hey-"
"Bugseye," the bug said by way of departure.
"Okay, bye, Bugseye. So Snips. You and Artoo and I-"
"Beep whistle weee!"
"-are gonna go attack Ventress."
"Beep whistle weeee?"
"Yes, you too."
"Beep bedabeepbeepbeep?" Artoo whistled to Ahsoka.
"What?"
"You can't even understand him?" Anakin asked his Padawan. "You used to understand him –oh, and don't call him 'Artooie'. If you do- Ow. Don't punch your master in the face!"
"Fine, I'll poke you in the eyes!"
"It's unbecoming of a Jedi. It's unbecoming of a Jedi!" Anakin shouted as Ahsoka – for some unknown reason – continued to inflict bodily harm upon him.
"Hey, what's that? Aaaah!" Sass was thrown backwards next to them.
"Was he just Force Pushed? What's going on?" Anakin looked around, alert for danger.
"Come on, ArtooIE." Anakin made a show of using the hated nickname.
Sass got up, but not for long. "There's another! Oh no! Oh no! Oh nooo!"
"Um, Sass?" Snips stopped the droid.
"Yes?"
"What are you doing?"
"Pretending."
"Pretending what?"
"That Ventress is throwing things… which she actually is… Uh, oh. That doesn't look good. Ahh! SHOOOVAAAA!" The droid ran away as fast as he could.
"…I have no idea what was just said. It sounded kinda like 'Shovel,'" Anakin ventured.
"Shovel, coming out of the sky, obviously," Ahsoka agreed.
"Oh, look, it just landed in front of you, Artoo. Hey!" Anakin shouted at his Padawan again. "Stop throwing holograms at me! THEY DON'T HURT!"
"Then why'd you fall over?" she asked as Anakin got up off the floor, his stiff joints not being helpful.
"Because I felt like it! Impromptu nap! Duh!"
"Fine." Ahsoka spied Obi-Wan next to her. "I'll throw him at you!"
"OW."
"Well, that was unbecoming of you, Padawan!" Obi-Wan chastised.
"Yeah, you can say that again."
"Well, Anakin, you're the one teaching her."
"Oh, shut up, Obi-Wan. As if you could do any better!"
"I learned everything I know from you, Anakin," Snips added unhelpfully.
"Don't call me that."
"Too bad. Skyguy."
Anakin sighed, then something else new caught his eye. "Master?"
"Yes, Anakin?
"There's a random Dalmatian right over there."
"How do you know what a Dalmatian is-"
"Hey, little guy!" Ahsoka cooed.
"Don't touch me!" the small dog shouted in a deep bass voice. "I have an important message."
"That is a small dog with a very deep voice."
"Are you going to talk about Count Dooku and Ventress? Cuz we've heard all about that," Ahsoka asked the spotted dog.
"No. There's a hologram incoming."
A clone trooper appeared in the flickering projection, firing incessantly. "Sir, sir, I need help. Backup! Backup!" Then the hologram flickered out of existence.
"Well, looks like he just died," Anakin said.
"That's unfortunate," Obi-Wan agreed.
"That… was an Imperial Trooper," Ahsoka mentioned.
"An Imperial Trooper? What the heck is an Imperial Trooper? It's obviously not an Imperial Trooper, because those don't exist yet. This is the Clone Wars Era! Not the Original Trilogy!" Obi-Wan shouted. Another hologram popped up where the last one had been. "Oh, look, Darth Maul! Hello, Darth Maul. Fancy seeing you back in one piece!"
A gravelly voice cut him off. "Shut up, Obi-Wan."
"Nope, sorry. Wrong person. Wrong person!" the Dalmatian shouted.
"Now it's Darth Sidious!" Anakin shouted. "No, wait. Palpatine? Sidious? Crap."
"Palpatine," Obi-Wan corrected.
"Palpatine! I knew it!"
The emperor in question was confused. "…Um, I'm not trying to holocall you… I'm going to go get some food…"
Anakin waved. "Okay, bye! And bye, random Dalmatian!"
"My name is Bob."
"Bye, Bob!"
A third hologram showed up, a Mandolorian Bounty Hunter. "Is this… is this Jango Fett or Boba Fett?" Obi-Wan asked Anakin quietly.
"I don't know. But I'm going to assume it's Jango Fett because Boba would be a little kid in this Era. We're not in the Original Trilogy Era yet, Obi-Wan!"
"Right. I knew that."
"Anyway. Hello, Jango Fett!" Anakin greeted.
"I'm going to come there and kill you," said the hologram.
"Wow. That was straightforward."
Ahsoka caught sight of the red Battle Droid strolling back their way. "…Sass, why aren't you in your corner?"
"Because… I got out of it?"
"Well, at least he was in it!" Anakin countered.
"Beep, whistle, whee!"
"That was random…" Sass peered at the Astromech.
"Well, he has been standing here quietly for a long time," Anakin offered.
"Which is unlike him," said Snips.
The Battle Droid jumped up in the air before landing on the ground. "SPLIT! OH YEAH!" he called out.
"…And the battle droid goes and does a split."
"Sass… you need to just… go fall off a cliff, okay?" Snips offered.
"No."
"Actually, that's a great idea. FORCE PUSH!" Anakin shouted, doing just that.
"Aaaah!" Sass went flying.
"Anakin."
"Yes, Obi-Wan?"
"Actually, I don't have anything to correct you for. That was actually a very good idea!"
"I'm okay!" floated up from the bottom of the cliff.
"Thank you Master!" Anakin said to Obi-Wan.
Ahsoka thrust her own forearm at Anakin. "Here's my arm, Master!"
"Wow… thank you? Do you need this reattached?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, okay. Here we go. Impromptu surgery on the battlefield!"
"I just pulled it off, I can put it back on!" she claimed.
Anakin stared at her. "I didn't know you could do that!"
Their conversation was interrupted as Obi-Wan saw another strange thing. "Sass is… riding upon a floating saddle… Go sit in your corner!" he shouted. "Or fall off a cliff!"
"Or go fall off a cliff in the corner," Anakin suggested. "Is that a thing?"
"There is a cliff in the corner, yes."
"Well! That might work out very well!"
Cody stepped forward. "Sir, do you want me to lead him to that corner, sir?"
"Yes, that would be great, Cody."
The clone went running off. "Sass, I'm coming!"
Obi-Wan looked down to what just appeared at his feet. "Oh, look, I've found your protocol droid! He's a pile of parts… we're just going to pretend that this does indeed happen before Episode Five!"
"…Awkward..." Ahsoka and Anakin muttered simultaneously.
Cody came flying back into the area. Literally. "Hello! Sir, the droid flung me back across the battle field."
"Does… the droid have the force?" Anakin gasped. "ARE THERE DROID JEDI?!"
"Anakin, I'm not above punching you unconscious," Obi-Wan threatened.
"What good would that do?" Anakin asked.
"Not terribly much… I just thought it was the thing to say," the Jedi Master admitted.***
"Oh, look, Ventress appeared! And this giant baby horse is stomping on her… Wow… that's- that's a lot of blood," Obi-Wan noted.
"Well. Now that that threat has been taken care of – without flirting, I'm very impressed-"
"Hey, are you saying something about my fighting style?"
"Yes," Anakin responded quickly. "Yes I am."
"I might have just pulled my arm off again," Ahsoka shouted.
"Is there a reason for that, Snips?"
"It just shows my annoyance."
If Anakin could have raised an eyebrow, he would have. But his face was still stuck in the same expression, since it was plastic. "So you're saying that whenever I'm annoyed, I should just pull my arm off too?"
"Well, I would, but you can't really do that without permanently taking your arm off… so. OH."
"Hey, look, my mechno-arm is on the ground now. HEY! Don't steal my mechno-arm! I need that!" Anakin shouted to his Padawan.
"Too bad."
"Obi-Wan!"
"Anakin, this is your fault!"
"Yeah, I go that. But can you at least help me get it back?"
"You're the one that threw it on the ground, Master!" Snips interluded. "That shows that you don't want it!"
"Now I only have one arm. Literally. Again."
"I'm gonna go attach it on Cody or something," Ahsoka shouted.
"How about you don't?" Anakin recommended.
Sass came back into the camp. "I have an elephant, sir!"
"That elephant is extremely small…" Anakin began.
"I noticed."
"Sass, do you want a mechno-arm?" Ahsoka proffered the object.
"Yes, I do!"
"Ahsoka, do you really think it was wise to give the mechno-arm to the droid?" Obi-Wan asked calmly.
"No, I don't."
"Master Obi-Wan?"
"Yes, Padawan Tano?"
Their conversation was cut short as Sass made a move. "Poke!" he shouted.
"Don't poke me with my own arm!" Anakin growled.
"Here's your arm."
"Oh, well, thank you. See?" he turned to Ahsoka. "At least the droid gives me back my own arm!"
"Why do you think I gave it to the droid?"
"Because you wanted to keep it from me, Snips!"
Sass came back with yet another animal in tow. "I got you a pet master. It's a very sweet panther!"
"That's a very small panther."
"I noticed."
Anakin paused, thinking, for a moment. "Where's the mother? I feel like- aaaaHHHH! I'm being trampled by the mother! So are Artoo and Obi-Wan!"
"I'm sorry," the droid shouted above the noise, "I didn't try to do this. I'll return it. Here you go, mother!" he threw the baby panther as hard as he could out of the camp. Good thing it was plastic!
"Well."
"Sick it on Ventress!" said Ahsoka.
"Ventress is already dead," countered Anakin.
"Well, sick it on the corpse then."
"Sick it on Dooku!"
They all watched the mother panther run off and trample the Count. "Well, that took care of that problem."
Cody removed his helmet in a rush. "I can breathe!"
"You mean you can't breathe in that mask, Cody?" Ahsoka asked.
"I have to hold my breath."
"Wow. I thought those had respirators in them," Anakin muttered.
"Those Kaminoans are liars!" the clone shouted.
"Cody…" Anakin asked.
"Yes sir?"
"You do realize you're flying two feet above the ground every time you take a breath?"
"Yes sir."
"Okay."
"Yes sir."
"Is that all you can say?"
"Yes sir."
"Obi-Wan?"
"Yes sir."
"Yes, Anakin?"
"Yes sir."
"I think we broke him!"
"Yes sir."
Gree came back to the camp. "Why is Cody acting like this?"
"I'm tricking them," Cody whispered to Gree.
"Okayyyy."
"Yes sir."
"Well… that's very unfortunate. I'm just gonna leave again."
"Yes sir."
"Okay. Bye, Greeeeeeeen!" Anakin shouted after him.
"Yes sir."
"No 'n,'" Ahsoka leaned over to whisper to Anakin.
"Yes sir."
"There's no 'n' Master, get it right!"
"Oh, look, a baby unicorn." Anakin desperately wanted to roll his eyes… but again, he could not. "Because those exist."
"…I'm just gonna go try to fix 3PO now… if I can pick him up," Ahsoka muttered, annoyed. "Stupid immovable joints!"
"Yes sir."
"We have to go now, sir." Gree had returned, astride a horse and leading Anakin's.
"Yes sir."
"Why, Greeeeeeeeen?"
"Jango Fett, sir. He's flying over our camp and threatening to shoot everyone."
"Yes sir."
"I'm going to shoot everyone in sight!" emanated from above them. Gree and Anakin exchanged a look.
"Hurry up, sir!" Gree shouted a moment later.
"I'm trying to grasp the reins of my horse! It's difficult, especially when your hands are frozen in this one particular hold!"
"Okay, I'm done saying 'yes sir,' now, sir." Cody said.
"Thank God."
"Yes sir, thanking God, sir!"
Anakin finally grabbed the reins. "Alright. Let's go. Wait. Are you… wearing Obi-Wan's cloak?"
"It's okay. I let him borrow it," responded the Jedi Master in a strange voice.
"What happened to you, Obi-Wan?"
"THE PANTHERRRRR!" he yelled.
"Well, you just stay here and-" But Anakin was cut off by a stream of gibberish spouting from Obi-Wan. "Okay. Right. Let's go, Gree."
"Did you actually say his name right?" Obi-Wan asked. "I'm so proud!"
"No, there was still an 'n' on it! Promise!" Anakin did not really know why he felt it necessary to say the clone's name wrong…
"We've made it to the watch tower, sir."
"I'm going to kill you!" Fett shouted from the ship.
Gree handed a weapon to Anakin. "Here's a gun, sir. Blast down the ship!" They did.
"I'm going to kill everyone in sight!" Fett yelled again.
"You're already dead!" Gree shouted back.
"Oh."
"Time to go back to camp, sir,"Gree led the way.
Once back, Anakin looked at Gree. "So how are we going to resolve this story?"
"What was the original goal, Sir?"
"Well, we were supposed to defend ourselves from Ventress and Dooku, but they're both dead. Twice."
Ventress appeared right in the middle of the camp. "I never die!"
"Well, Ventress never dies. This is a new thing," Anakin muttered.
Obi-Wan activated his Lightsaber. "Unless I do this…"
"And now Ventress has been cut in half. That should take care of her."
"That's what you think!"
***If you're still here and want to know why he said this, it's an allusion to another of my stories; the chapter entitled "Late Night Ponderings" in the story "Behind the Scenes." Check it out!
And if you're still here, please leave a review to let me know! I'm really curious to see if anyone does or if everyone quits halfway through.
Either way, it was fun to write out! Welcome to our brains!
~Mirnava