Alright, I'm just give a quick add on to what this story's going to be about.
Basically it's this: Eliwood's royal cookies have been "stolen", and Mark recruit's a crack team to help him track down the criminal. In which he will go about interviewing everyone in the army as a suspect, each time with different comical results. Now this may seem like a random non-pathological story, and that the cookies were indeed taken just by mistake, but it actually does have a plot. While Mark is fooling around, Matthew, Nino, Nils, and Ninian will place the REAL clues together.
...Although some lives will be comically ruined in the due processes.
So enjoy, and see if YOU can solve the mystery too!
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Fire Emblem 7: Rekka No Ken
The Great Cookie Theft, by A BlackHole
Chapter 1: Start Adventure!
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Journal: Day 1
Writer: Mark (genius tactician, and legal detective)
Time: Morning?
Event: Royal Cookie Theft
Target Suspects: Plenty Left
It was on a bright sunny day, the kind of day that no one suspects anything could go amiss, that something just had to go wrong. Wrong in the ways only the darkest fiend of the most dank, smelly, cloudiest regions of the pits of the earth could ever imagine up such a scheme. Such a horrendous place, that even now I dare not describe it further. Sorta' like Nergal's guest bathroom on Dread Isle.
He didn't have toilet paper in the toilet paper dispensers! The nerve!
For today, the privacy of our beloved Lord Eliwood was shattered when his discovered at approximately eight a.m. (or was it twelve?) that someone had stolen his cookies.
Not just any old normal cookies mind you, but the royal cookies of Pherae.
I'm not exactly sure really what even makes them "royal cookies", but I suspect it's an intricate process in which the ingredients of these mystical majestic bakery treats are made. You know…something like the flour is harvested from the royal wheat fields.
And then sent on to be mixed with milk and butter obviously made from a royal cow.
And THEN possibly to be added into a bowl or royalty, made from rare metals formed together by the greatest blacksmiths.
And ALSO THEN added to royal sugar obviously grown in the wealthiest plantation fields of Bern.
And ALSO THEN POSSIBLY to be baked in an oven blessed by the Gods above.
AND! ALSO THEN POSSIBLE TO have heaven-blessed chocolate chips added into the already holy mixture.
Hmmm… Would and oven blessed by the God's make divine cookies?
Or does the cookie dough itself have to be blessed by the heavens? I wonder what a divine cookie tastes like…would it be the same thing if a cookie batch were hit with a Divine spell from a Light Tomb?
Gah! I'm getting side tracked again…
You know, I almost felt bad for the red headed goodie-goodie when he broke the news to us. He was in such a wrecked shape…sigh…you just had to feel bad for him.
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Slowly but surely on the day of all days, it started off in the norm for the three Lords of Lycia and their "beloved" tactician. The smaller dining table in one of the many Salons in castle Pherae had unwittingly become a battleground of culture: with each Lordling naturally choosing to side with what they were accustom to in their own ruling territory. If there had ever been a whitty line of battle drawn over breakfast, it was to be here, in all of Elibe, that it was about to happen.
"Mark, for the LAST TIME, I'm NOT going to ask Florina if her Pegasus can do that!" Lyn shouted in disgust.
"But it's an honest question! I want to know!" Mark pleaded, throwing a perfectly delicious honey bun aside in place for another one of exactly equal quality in the center of the table.
"Actually, now he's got my curiosity up…" Hector mumbled off hand.
"Hey, has anyone seen my royal cookies?" the prince of Pherea asked, walking in from the royal bakery, looking underneath the Salon's table as well.
"Didn't they bake you a batch yesterday?" Hector asked, fingering his own Ostian muffin. Yes, Muffins. The superior breed of bakery product compared to a mere cookie.
"I know," Eliwood scratched his head, before taking his seat as well. "But they're gone from the kitchen for some rea-"
"This smells like a thief!" Mark yelled out of no where, quickly placing the newly selected honey bun down aside substituting it in exchange for the one he had just discarded. "The dirty work of some infamous and dirty underworld criminal!"
"Um… Mark?" Hector stared at the Tactician. "They're just cookies. Inferior as they are, I don't-"
But before Hector could finish, Mark jumped up onto the table with a heavy thump. "This crime will not go unpunished!" Mark declared, thrusting his arm into the air nearly knocking them into the candle holding chandelier above. "It is a slap against the honor of Castle Pherae! We must find this criminal, no matter where he or she is hiding!
"Mark, Hector's right." Eliwood sighed, knowing what could possibly happen if Mark wasn't stopped here and now. "I bet someone just got a case of the munchies and accidentally took them by mistake."
"He's right Mark," Lyn spoke up, putting her own Sacean biscuit down. Although secretly, she disliked Lycian pastries of any sort in comparison to the wild wheat treats of the Plains. And the less Pheraen cookies in Lycia wouldn't be such a bad thing. "This is probably just some-"
"Luckily…" Mark said, cutting Lyn and shifting his weight on the table effectively knocking off several shatter-able plates into a battle with gravity against the stone floor of the castle. "I know JUST the man for this case! He can solve ANYTHING! And I DO mean ANYTHING!"
Lyn, thinking for a moment, looked from Mark back to Hector and Eliwood.
"…Did you two recruit some new guy again without telling me?"
"I think he meant himself." Hector pointed out seizing the moment to finish off his Ostian muffin.
"…Oh."
Lyn looked back up to Mark who was still standing on top of the table; now babbling on about needing an assistant and his detectives hat, before looking back down to Hector and Eliwood both of whom had equal expressions on their faces.
"Oh… That's so sad."
"So…do we stop him?"
"It won't work, he's in his own little world now."
(-----)
So WHAT if they're enthusiasm wasn't of the highest degree for me! I KNOW I can solve this case, and catch that dirty underhanded crook right where he or she is standing! This will be nothing for my ingenious suspect mind, and my loyal assistant Matthew the spy/thief. Together, we will be unstoppable!
The mighty duo!
An unbeatable pair when put together!
A mighty force to be reckoned with!
Like the feel of a pair of freshly laundered socks!
Although, I'm not really so sure why Matthew volunteered to help me. He claims that Hector forced him to follow me to make sure I wouldn't cause too much damage. Hah, hah, silly Hector. Everyone knows that I'm probably one of the most careful people in the entire army!
Especially now that Eliwood's servants managed to bubble-wrap all of the breakable things in his castle.
With that in mind, I set off to ask around to see if we could pick up any clues.
It started slow of course (mainly because everyone seemed to be avoiding me) but my resolve never wavered! Not even the slightest!
My first target for questioning was a challenge.
Her mind was sharp, like the finest sword. Focused, like the greatest martial artists.
...Nino.
It was a testament to my all of my trained skills that I was even able to communicate with her.
Nino...
Yes. With this small green-haired force on my side, not even the armies of Nergal, Bern, or the heavens can do a thing to stop my investigation.
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Nino is sitting on a tree stump, playing with a flower when Mark and Matthew walk up. Mark is in a detectives costume, while Matthew has a monocle in one eye and a note pad with him.
"Nino, we need to talk." Mark said, kneeling down next to the tiny Sage.
"Sure!" Nino chirped in her normal, overwhelmingly cheery manor. "What is it?"
"We want to question you…on some…royal cookies." Mark gave a suspicious glance her way, "you wouldn't happen to know anything about them…WOULD YOU!?"
"Nope." Nino shrugged. "Hey wait… What makes cookies royal anyway?"
"Dunno. But they're royal, so I bet they're better." Mark shrugged too.
"Of course! They have to be!" Nino agreed. "What do you think, Matthew?" she asked, looking over Mark's shoulder at the thief who happened to be not paying attention because he was busy eating something.
"Huh?" Matthew quickly swallowed, before adjusting his monocle. "Oh, I…uh…well, they probably taste like normal cookies. I bet."
"I don't know…but they're ROYAL cookies." Nino said, clearly thinking. "I bet… Ooooh!" her attention changed immediately to the detectives hat on Mark's head, that went along with the rest of his costume. "That's sooooo cool!" she quickly grabbed Mark's it off of his head, putting it on her own. "Hey, are you two playing detective? I like detectives! Can I help you two play detective too? It really sounds fun!"
"Noooo! Not my hat!" Mark cried out in anguish, "I can't be a good detective without it!"
"How does this hat make you a detective?" Nino asked, adjusting it fit her own head.
"Because, without it, I can't ever be right."
"…Since when are you ever right anyway?" Matthew snickered.
"SILENCE!" Mark bellowed, "You know I'm ALWAYS right! Except of course, when I am wrong!"
"How true." the thief rolled his eyes.
"He has a good point." Nino smiled, before patting Mark on his hat-less head.
"Thank you, I know." Mark smiled too, quite proud of himself.
"Why must all of the good points in this story be bad ones?" Matthew asked to no-one in particular.
"Matthew!" Mark reprimanded, "Stop talking to yourself and take notes! Nino shall be your new assistant as of this point forward. We WILL find the criminal behind all of this chaos!"
"Chaos?" Matthew rolled his eyes again, crossing his arms sternly. "Look, Mark. Everyone KNOWS that our antics in capturing our so-called criminal, will probably result in more mental trauma and chaos regarding property damage then ANYTHING someone who happened to be a little puckish for a simple snack could do."
Mark scratched his chin in thought.
"I see…and your point is?"
Matthew sighed.
"Let's just get this over with."
"That's the spirit!" Mark stood up, smiling broadly. "Cheer up old' bean! We'll have this case solved by tonight, and our dirty culprit will be under the trustworthy rusted iron bars of damp, dark, cruel medieval dungeon in no time! Now then…" he quickly snatched Matthew's note pad and pen, and handed it to Nino.
"Now Nino, you'll take notes." Mark instructed. "When we interview someone, you write down everything that happened. And I mean EVERYTHING."
"I can do it!" Nino said, "you can count on me!"
"Righty o' then!" Mark said, before marching off in a randomly chosen direction. "To the next suspect!"
"To the next suspect!" Nino repeated, following in-step as well.
"Whatever." muttered Matthew, munching on something unseen before following the two as well.
(-----)
Now that I had managed to subdue possibly the most infamous ally we possessed in our mighty army of many mighty alliances and mighty back-hand deals of mightiest might, I felt more then ever now prepared to take on a much more stronger foe. Yes, if anyone found Nino terrifying, then the raw power Nils possessed would surely make you soil your pants.
And no, not this time anyway, did not I soil my pants at the sight of him.
Nils… Is a complicated young man…dragon…person…kid…THING to describe.
Surely, even Karel and Jaffar are jealous of this growing boy's powers. At such a young age as well!
Everyone just thinks he's a Bard.
Yes, an innocent unit that can' t attack, but simply plays his excellent invigorating music to allow our members to attack with more energy then before.
I will not lie, my respect for such an ability is great. Along with how he managed to defend his sister from the Black Fang for so long as well. 'Cause trust me, the Black Fang don't play around, not when they're slinging so many sharp objects your way all at once like it ain't nobody's business.
Although a few things still confuse me about their ranks.
Mainly the whole thing about sending progressively stronger foes to face us.
Almost like they were training us to beat them one wave of foes at a time. Heh, free target practice I guess. It's almost a shame really, such a group with immense potential for wanton destruction and chaos, reduced to simple foes for a group of misfits and random fighters to get practice on before facing their real foes and saving the world.
And to think what a great group of organized roving murderers they could have been.
Oh well, another great organization loses it's potential to the infamous "Stormtrooper" effect in a SRPG.
…Dammit! I got off topic again! Bah, I suppose that's another of Nils' amazing powers. Being able to manipulate such a meaty mighty mind like mine with just a thought of his name!
Sigh…I wish I had intimidating powers like that.
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Mark, Matthew, and Nino in tow walk up to Nils who also happens to be with Ninian.
"Excuse me, Nils?" Mark asked, "we have some questions for you…IF THAT'S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!"
"…It is." Nils replied confused, not picking up any of the false drama in Mark's question.
"Right then." Mark smiled, as Matthew and Nino both fell over anime' style. "We just have a few questions for you."
"Q-Questions?" Nils glanced nervously at Ninian. "What…what's wrong?"
"There's been a report of some cookie thefts in the local area…" Mark put his hands to his hips, looking down at the dragon boy with a suspicious look. "You wouldn't happen to have any knowledge of this…would you?"
"Cookie thefts?" Nils gave Mark an odd look, before glancing over to Matthew and Nino both of whom where shaking their heads. "Is that's what this is all about?"
"Answer the question!" Mark demanded. "Or we'll subjugate you to rats and honey torture!"
"…What?" Nils gave Mark and even odder stare then before.
"You heard me." Mark smiled grimly. "Rats and honey torture."
Nino and Matthew looked at each other, both having no clue as to what kind of torture Mark was referring to. Nils looked to Ninian in question as well, but Ninian simply shook her head. "What the heck is rats and honey torture?" the kid-dragon finally asked.
"I can't tell you."
"…Why not?"
"Because it would give our readers ideas." Mark said, nodding in an all-knowing manor. "Cause, well, you know, because how horrible it is."
"Like it hasn't already?" Nils said skeptically.
"That's besides the point!" Mark quickly pulled out a photograph from his pocket, before flashing it in front of Nils quickly so only he could see it. "Now tell me what you know! Or you wouldn't want THIS going public!"
Nils let out an immediate gasp. "You wouldn't dare!"
"I would!" Mark said back, all the more determined.
"Well then…" Nils fished around quickly in his own little pouch, pulling out a photograph too. "I guess I'll have to show…THIS as well! Hah!"
"What!?" Mark stumbled backwards in shock. "How did you get THAT!"
"That's my secret." Nils smirked, knowing they were even. "And besides…I don't know anything about any royal cookies. I've been practice playing my flute all of this morning."
"For real?"
"Yep." Nils smiled smugly. "So you can't use your little torture on me, because I can blackmail you back!"
"Awwww, rats." Mark snapped his fingers, grumbling in defeat.
"And honey." Nino chirped in quickly.
Everyone stared at Nino.
"…What?" Nino looked back at everyone.
"Hmmm…" Mark seemed to contemplate for a moment; before snapping his fingers again in thought, but this time from an idea. "I've got it!" he quickly turned back to Nils, as somewhere in the back round the theme for Fire Emblem started playing. "Hey, I bet you're pretty good at getting information out of people, right?"
"That's true." Nils smirked, "I'm not one to brag, but looking innocent and weak is a great way to sneak rare and embarrassing information out of people without them knowing."
"It's settled then!" Mark threw his arms into the air. "Nils can be our fourth party member!"
"…Party member?" Nino wondered aloud.
"Yeah. I lead, you takes notes, Matthew observes the obvious, and Nils can be the interrogator!"
Matthew stopped eating whatever he was eating for a moment, having heard his name.
"Wait…I observe the what?"
"Yeah!" Nino cheered as well, disregarding Matthew. "Common Nils! Help us solve the mystery!"
"Mark," Ninian spoke up, before placing a hand on Nils shoulder. "I'm sorry, but I have to teach Nils some…grown up…lessons now and it is very important I do it soon. He'll have to join you later."
As soon as Ninian has finished, the theme for Fire Emblem came to an abrupt halt.
"Wait…you what?" Nils looked up to his sister puzzled.
"Oh! I know!" Nino said, remembering her own lessons. "Like the birds and the bees!"
"…Erm…right." Ninian tried to give an appeasing smile. In hopes that Nino wouldn't carry on with a blunt explanation of what was probably in her mind on the said topic. "Nino, um, maybe you s-"
"Wait… The what?" Mark spoke up, killing any attempts to prevent what was coming. "I've never heard of that."
"Mark," Matthew whispered to the tactician/detective, "this isn't exactly the best place to be talking about this. Especially if Nils hasn't been taught this before." The thief nudged Mark in the rubs. "Come on you KNOW, the birds and the bees, how they work together? Don't you remember that?"
Mark stopped to think for a moment.
"…But I thought birds ate bees."
"No you idiot! Not like THAT!"
"Hey, Mark is not an idiot!"
"Mark is an idiot when he talks in the third person!"
"Mark does NOT talk in the third person!"
"You're doing it RIGHT NOW!"
"…Mark does not have a witty come back for that."
"But I want to hear it!" Nils protested, glancing back at his sister, then to Nino. "Come on, someone tell me!"
"Ok!" Nino paused to take a breath; more then ready to explain much to the dismay of both Ninian and Matthew.
"Birds are feathered mammals that fly, and bees are insects that fly, make honey, and are also fuzzy!"
"Like Merlinus!" Nils cut in, smiling.
"Exactly!" Nino smiled back.
"…Ok, that joke was disturbing." Matthew mumbled.
"Wait, THAT was what you learned about the birds and the bees?" Mark asked, puzzled.
"Yep." Nino smiled, "why, what else could it have been?"
At that point everyone decided to look at Matthew considering it seemed he knew the answer, while Ninian could only give a sympathetic look. "Me? Why do you think I know?" Matthew lied, closing his eyes incase they said otherwise.
"Because, you said you did!" Nino pointed out.
"What?" Matthew argued. "That's absurd. I did no such thing."
"Yes you did! You whispered to Mark if he remembered about the birds and bees before!"
"…No I didn't." Matthew quickly denied.
"Yes you did!" Nino shot back.
Matthew didn't answer immediately, stopping to think for a moment. After a few seconds he asked Nino in a calm, almost hypnotic voice, "Did I Nino? Did I?"
"Um…yeah. I think you did."
"Did I Nino? Did I?" Matthew repeated.
"Um…yeah…" Nino stopped. "Uh…wait. What were we talking about again?"
"Nothing important really." Matthew smiled, before patting Nino gently on the head and ruffling her hair. "Your good friend Mark, and I were just asking Nils if he had seen Eliwood's royal cookies. Or if he was a thief like me."
"The cookies!" Nino shouted, "oh yeah! I nearly forgot! Hey…" she glanced up at Mark. "Is Nils going to help us too?"
"Um…yeah. I think so." Mark looked to Nils who gave him a thumbs up, before turning to his sister.
"Hey, Ninian, want to come with us too?" he asked, not wanting to leave Ninian out like so many stories do.
"Me?" Ninian questioned in surprise, usually used to just being a well timed plot device character. Looking down to Nils who was giving an encouraging nod to say yes; and to Nino and Matthew, one of which was nodding yes too and the other seemed indifferent, she nodded. "Um…Alright. I guess so."
"AWESOME!" Mark shouted, throwing his arms into the air once again. "We now have five people in our party! That's one more then the non-existent legal Final Fantasy RPG law says we can have!"
"But… What will my sister do?" Nils asked.
"Well, she can be our advisor." Mark continued on. "I mean, heck, SOMEONE in the army practically hates Matthew's and my own guts, and Nino is too innocent for anyone to hate. Plus as the interrogator, you maybe making some new enemies quick Nils."
"…Wonderful." the dragon-kid-teenager muttered.
"But Ninian," Mark pointed to her on his knees, as one would before praying to the heavens. "she's Eliwood's wife practically!" To this, Ninian began to blush. "I mean heck, Lyn is on my side, I think. Hector supports most of what Matthew does, and now we have Eliwood's backing too! All of the Lords are supporting our investigation!"
"And also," Mark quickly stood back up. "You're usually to shy to really get to know anyone. So if anything, we can't say anyone hates you because they haven't meet you."
"…That is a point." Matthew admitted, stopping his train of thought for a moment on how to back out of this crazy plan.
"So it's settled!" Mark shouted once again. "Onward! To hunt our suspects to the ends of Elibe! Unmeasured distances away!"
"Uh, Mark? We could start with the Pegasus Sisters. I mean, Fiora, Florina, and Farina are right over there."
"…Are they a great distance away?"
"Um…I'd say fifty yards at least."
"Eh, good enough."
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Well, there you go folks. Your first chapter of our mystery novel soon to be filled with large amounts of slap stick humor, goofy romance, and cheap cliché theatre antics. With the cracks of those filled in with serious situations, and rampant life changing morals. I hope you enjoyed, and will read the next chapter. Which WILL be about the Pegasus Sisters, and our "ace" detective's team. What will happen you ask? Well that's a secret!