Is Always Forever

by shage

Everything is changing with the new town and all. A new Hellmouth with new enemies are a sure thing but a lot seems to want to remain the same. A lot seems to want to return to the way it was. A lot seems very…complicated.

Is Always Forever?

Author: Shage

Rating: PG13 for safety, the rating may change later on.

Feedback: Very much appreciated.

Distribution: Please ask me or Pyro will gobble you up.

Spoilers: Yes, I won't bother going through them all but know that it will be from anything that has happened from day one to day 'Chosen'.

Type: Chapter, angstish, romancy

Disclaimer: Belongs to the genius Joss Whedon. Any similarities are purely a coincidence unless noted.

Summary: Everything is changing with the new town and all. A new Hellmouth with new enemies are a sure thing but a lot seems to want to remain the same. A lot seems to want to return to the way it was. A lot seems very…complicated.

Author's notes: Firstly I want to say two ideas in this fic were inspired by 'Such is the nature' by Hans the Bold and 'A Final Goodbye' by ndawg. Both are very good one shots and I recommend you read them. I'll mention before hand when the ideas are mentioned and if there is any problem you can reach me at feistyfelineferalyahoo.ca.

Secondly this will be a long fic and there may be some confusion but it will always be resolved, just be patient.

Thirdly it has been over a year since I've written an actually story and I have a lot to do so the chapters will keep coming just not always weekly. Sorry if my writing sounds all messed up, I need to get into the feel of writing again.

Fourthly I'm using the idea from 'A Final Goodbye' by ndawg in this chapter. For those of you who haven't read it, Willow goes back to visit the crater that once was Sunnydale.

Fifthly the song is 'If you're not the one' by Daniel Bedingfield.

Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.

Erica Jong, O Magazine, February 2004

::Chapter 1::

"Ever think that if she was the one for you then she'd still be alive?", came the angry voice of Kennedy. She was fed up. Willow had just told her that it was over. That she couldn't do it anymore because Kennedy deserved better and because Willow herself couldn't give her everything she deserved because her heart belonged to Tara. Kennedy had stormed out of the house shortly after. She knew Willow was considering her feelings but still she felt betrayed. From day one she knew that she and Willow wouldn't be forever and what they had was just a thing to feel alive but it still unnerved her that Tara was always in the way, not physically of course but always in Willows thoughts and heart. She knew she was being unfair, it wasn't like Tara had left Willow voluntarily, she had died, terribly too in the most unfair way, but Kennedy couldn't help herself for she had grown accustomed to a warm body sleeping next to her during the night and many smooches and snuggles. Kennedy walked into the cemetery noticing the sun was setting; fighting vamps always helped her think things through.

Willow was sitting on her bed trying to contain her tears and the empty whole in her heart that still remained there for the past two years. She knew she had done the right thing by breaking up with Kennedy. She just couldn't commit her heart fully to her and knew that it would hurt more the longer they pretended. Still Kennedy's last words stung her to her very core.

She thought of happier times when they lived in Sunnydale and when the demons and vampires were few, at least more contained. She thought of her life as a child playing with Xander in the sand box and the yellow crayon to going to high school and meeting Buffy. The times researching through the night at the high school library, fighting vampires, going to college, finding love, opening the magic shop with Giles. Times spent with the many people she had grown to love and who had treated her like a person and loved who she was; Buffy, Xander, Cordy, Angel, Jenny, Anya, Giles, Dawn, Spike, Faith, Andrew, Oz and Tara… She thought of the many things that they went through and the many things that were in store for them in the future. She remembered all the people they had loved and who had left them.

Now they resided in a little town in the middle of Cleveland on top of another Hellmouth. Giles had opened up a private school for slayers with the help of Angel and Co. Anya and Xander had worked things out and had just had a wedding and were somewhere in Europe for their honeymoon. Dawn was enrolled with Andrew at a local college since Buffy didn't like the idea of her enrolling in Giles' private school. Buffy and Faith surprisingly fell for one another and admitted their love a month after the war in Sunnydale leaving two very jealous vampires. Still Spike and Angel remained with them along with Fred and everyone else, even Cordelia had remained and was being the ever wonderful pain in the butt that she was. Oz was touring with his band for the time being but promised to keep in touch and hinted a surprise visit in the next few months.

Ms. Kitty Fantastico jumped on to the bed and curled up beside Willow. She smiled at the memory of finding her. Willow had visited Sunnydale a year ago for the second anniversary of Tara's death. None of the others knew of it, it was a private thing. She had only been there twice before and every time her heart broke with the overwhelming amount of emotions and memories that merely could not remain wrapped. While she was there searching, trying to sense, to remember, were the grave once was she stumbled on a half dead, starving Ms. Kitty. She had brought Kitty home and no one seemed to question. She had a feeling that everyone had caught on where she had gone but liked to believe they hadn't. Ever since then she had felt better, better because she had a piece of Tara with her and of what they shared and she was content.

She rested her head on her pillow and slowly felt her eyes close with Kennedy's last words playing over and over in her head. She began to dream of the past few years and of everything that had happened between her and Tara. She was back in Sunnydale walking down the street, searching for the one person who held her heart.

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?

If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?

If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?

If you are not mine would have the strength to stand at all?

She entered the park and saw her younger self and Tara walking and laughing. They stopped at the bridge and Willow immediately knew what would happen. She knew the song and continuously replayed it in her mind almost everyday.

I never know what the future brings

But I know you are here with me now

We'll make it through

And I hope you are the one I share my life with.

She saw herself and Tara sitting on college campus in a secluded area where they constantly had picnics. They were both losing themselves in each others arms and enjoying the feeling of each others warm lips. Willow felt the tears fall as she thought of all they had and all they had lost. Of the time that was taken away from them and that would never be returned. She hoped that one day she would be able to see Tara again but deep in her mind she knew it would not happen because of all she had done.

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand

If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Willow ran fast and came in front of the Summer's house. She saw Tara carrying boxes down the stairs and saw Dawn run inside. She told herself that if she had the power then she would bring Tara back; she knew she was selfish for thinking that. Deep down in her soul she knew though, truly knew, she wouldn't be able to, even with access to that kind of power, because her lover deserved happiness and she was now in heaven and tearing her out would be worse then anything else. She still wished she could hold Tara once more in her arms, to smell the sweet fragrance of her shampoo and feel her soft silky hair running through her hands as her other hand caressed her soft and smooth skin.

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?

If I don't need you then why does you name resound in my head?

The scene changed and as Willow saw her younger self, laying in her bedroom crying at what had happened and of who had just walked out of her life, Willow felt herself cry. She knew she would do anything for Tara and she knew that they were more then soulmates. She felt ashamed at what she had done and wished so badly to be able to talk to Tara once more, to be able to share with her the daily experiences of the joys and sorrows of life.

I don't know why you're so far away

But I know that this much is true

We'll make it through.

She saw Tara come back into her life slowly and the night they shared together in passion. She saw what had followed not so long after wards and she saw what she herself had done to Warren Meers. Willow always felt lost and afraid when thinking about Tara. She wondered what Tara thought of her after what she had done and if Tara hated her. She wondered if she was happy were she was. 'Of course she's happy' thought Willow, 'she's in heaven. Buffy was happy'. She kept telling herself that Tara was up there, happy with her mother and with Joyce. Yet whenever she thought this she felt weird, like it wasn't true and like Tara wasn't happy but every time, Willow merely cast aside that thought saying to herself that she was just being selfish.

And I hope you are the one I share my life with

And I wish that you could be the one I die with

And I pray in you're the one I build my home with

I hope I love you with all my life

She desperately wanted her lover now and she wished she could even experience something like she had experienced when she had awakened the power of the Slayer in all the potentials. That day she had only half the power needed and Tara had helped her. Tara had always been as powerful as Willow herself but she had never abused the craft and had remained true to the white arts.

Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away.

And I breathe you into my heart and I pray for the strength to stand today.

One thing was certain; Willow would always love Tara, no matter who came along or what was to happen in the near future.