A/N: Rated T just to be safe; the middle is kinda angsty. Been working on this for a while, so I hope you all enjoy it! And reviews make my day ;)
He really shouldn't feel this way. And he was well aware he shouldn't.
Maybe it was wrong for him to get his hopes up. Nothing that happened in Neverland solidified any sort of romantic relationship with Emma. But somewhere between the late night talks and lingering hugs, Killian's mind had made up that something more would come for them. Maybe it was the longing for a family, for love again, or maybe it was the way Neverland managed to jumble his thoughts, but all he knew is that what he thought was present, she clearly did not. Because watching her walk down the block at Henry's side while the lad talked the ear off his somehow miraculously alive father, Hook felt a pain in his chest. A pain he hadn't felt in hundreds of years.
He was jealous.
During their time in Neverland, he had not only grown closer to Emma, but found himself getting closer to Henry. And under the impression Henry was then fatherless, Killian thought he might be able to fill the void. In fact, he wanted to fill the void. But that was quickly snapped away when the look of happiness and relief overtook Henry's face while running into his father's arms. The realization quickly sunk in for Killian that there was no longer a void to fill, and Henry didn't need him anymore.
As well as that, he knew everything that had occurred between Baelfire and Emma; she had managed to open herself up and tell him her story with the dark one's son on a particularly stormy and cold night while they were away. Killian knew of what Bae had done and how he had left her when she, theoretically, needed him most. And while she still cared, as he was Henry's father, the distaste for him seeped through her tone as she spoke him about what she went through because of him. Betrayal, hurt, all these harbored emotions laced across her face. And at first when it was revealed that Baelfire had made it home, he saw no threat to what could become of him and Emma, knowing how she truly felt. But watching her eating lunch with him and Henry on what appeared to be a daily basis, this sense of family enveloping them, he couldn't stop what he was feeling underneath that tough exterior, what his thoughts were repeating endlessly, like a broken record.
That should be me.
But it was what he saw that day that sparked something in him; caused something to snap, really got under his skin. Emma and Baelfire - or Neal as he was in this world- stepped out of Grannys with Henry. They gave each other a curt wave, Henry at his father's side, but when Neal opened his arms, gesturing her in for a hug, and she tentatively accepted, it took everything in Killian not to cross the street and take his fist to the side of Neal's face. His blood was boiling, body shaking, and his anger was threatening to overtake him. He shook the feeling quickly from his head, letting out a groan of frustration.
What the hell is wrong with me?
He knew feeling like this was unwarranted; he and Emma weren't anything, but still they were everything, at least to him. Frustrated with his emotions and with what he witnessed, he turned sharply on his heels and headed towards his ship, fist clenched at his side.
I need a damn drink.
He wasn't actually sure how long he had been drowning himself in his intoxicating stupor but before he could hardly blink the sun was setting over the marina. Tilting his head back, relishing in the burn from the rum that coated his throat, he let out a light chuckle. This is what she had managed to turn him into; a jealous, possessive man that found comfort in numbing away his thoughts with rum.
And lots of it.
Sadly for him, after finding this remedy one too many times, he stopped really feeling the effects of the alcohol; he garnered such a high tolerance that while yes, it acted as a brief catalyst for numbing his pain, he never got bad enough to the point of his world going black.
As he reached for another bottle, continuing his trivial pity party, the sound of boots echoed from the top deck of the ship, resounding throughout the room. He groaned, not particularly in the mood to deal with anyone, and took a poll off the bottle, wishing whoever it was would bugger off. To his dismay, the clapping of the boots got louder and neared his cabin, and his eyes rolled upward when the sound of a quiet knock came from the door.
"What," he said curtly, taking another poll and wiping his lips with the back of his hand. His eyebrows involuntarily shot upward as the blonde vixen herself emerged in the cabin, shyly closing the door behind her.
"Hey I hadn't seen you in a while and-" she stopped abruptly, eyeing him as he smugly watched her, waiting for her next move. She glance over at the empty bottles scattered about the table, and then back at him, eyes widened. "Are you drunk?"
He smirked, locking her gaze as he threw back more of the drink, licking his lips in the process. "Why whatever do you mean, Swan?" The words slurred off the tip of his tongue, the effects of the numerous bottles he consumed beginning to show, a bit of over-dramatics from him helping that case.
"How much have you drank? Are you insane?!" He chuckled, knowing that it didn't matter how much he drank, that he would be fine. He could handle his liquor. But the way his heart clenched in his chest at the worried tone in her voice, he saw her worried state as a fun challenge to pry into.
Tossing back another swig of the rum, a smug smile persistently lingering on his face, he narrowed his eyes in her direction. "Oh so worried my love."
"Damn right I am! You're going to drink yourself to death!" she exclaimed while walking towards him, extending her hand and reaching for the bottle. He jerked it backwards while shaking his head, waving her off.
"So the big bad town sheriff wants to spend her time nursing the drunken pirate back to health?"
She glared at him and he stifled a laugh, trying to take her serious as he could but finding it admirably adorable at the way her nose crinkled. Not that he would admit it to her. "Trust me I've got better things to do-"
"Ah yes, it escaped my mind, go run along lass to your oh-so-valiant knight in shining armor that has miraculously escaped the clutches of death."
It couldn't have seeped more venomously from his lips, the spite he had been holding back crashing around him violently. She gapped at him and mirrored his narrowed gaze. "Neal? Is that what this is about? Oh my god…" He raised an eyebrow, questioning her with the look on his face. "Wait, are you... there's no way… you can't be…" She continued fumbling over her words and he let out a frustrated groan.
"Please love, I haven't got all day." He drawled out his sentence, chasing it down with another swig, taking notice of how close the bottle was to running dry.
"Are you jealous of Neal?"
His laugh echoed throughout the room and Emma's eyes widened, brows furrowing together tightly as he shook his head backwards, pressing his tongue to the back of his teeth. "Don't flatter yourself, Swan."
"What's your problem, Hook? I came here to see if you've been doing okay, god forbid I was starting to think something was wrong when you hadn't come into town for a few days. But clearly I'm not wanted so I'll leave you to drown yourself in your pity for whatever fucking reason." She turned quickly to leave and his fingers curled tightly around the bottle in his hand, his cheeks flushing red from anger and his body burning from the alcohol.
"Oh you don't have to worry your pretty little head about me, lass. I've been fine without you for the past 300 years." He regretted it as soon as he said it, but with his clarity diminishing every second, he didn't bother to stop it.
He was surprised as she abruptly turned around, her feet landing sharply on the ground as she moved in his direction. "Of course I'm worried! Look at how much you've drank! I don't want to wake up in the morning finding you passed out dead somewhere!"
"Emma, darling, I hardly consider-"
"I don't fucking understand you!" She screamed, cutting him off and throwing her arms upwards before they landed limply at her sides. "I thought things were really going good between us, Hook. That something had changed while we were in Neverland, but clearly I was way wrong."
His whole body tensed, hearing her admit the same thing he had thought for days since they had returned. But before he could let it cloud his judgment, his mind played back in flashes all the images of her wandering Storybrooke with Neal, the pain of watching her with someone else coming back.
"Ah so that's why you completely cut me out of your life once we arrived back to your precious little town. That's why you've spent every waking moment with that coward that left you to rot in jail. That makes all the sense in the world." The sarcasm dripped from every word, seeping spitefully from his tongue, his gaze hardening as he crossed his legs at his ankles.
"Stop bringing Neal into this, Hook. You don't know ANYTHING about my life-"
"He left you! He never fought for you!" He stood up quickly, setting the near empty bottle on the table and bracing his hand on the wooden surface. "I came back for you but yet you can't seem to even give me a bloody second of your time-"
"It's because you absolutely terrify me!" She stepped closer, her voice rising as she did. His chest was heaving as they locked gazes and he was sure she could smell the alcohol on his breath as their breathing mingled together in between them, hers dancing lightly across his face. There was so much tension, so much fire, but he stayed silent, waiting for her to continue. And after a moment silence, following an exasperating sigh, she did just that. "We haven't known each that long and I already have these ridiculously out of control feelings for you. But I... I don't know what to do so I put up those walls and shut people out. People I care about. People like you. That's why I came here tonight, I wanted to apologize, and tell you that I'm sorry for being so closed off lately. And to tell you that you really mean a lot to me, to Henry too. He's still reeling from the fact that his father is actually alive, but he's the one that pushed me to come here tonight. So… I'm sorry for whatever trouble I caused you."
The silence stayed lingering in the air, tension suffocating them. He swallowed tickly, his eyes never faltering from hers. "Well that's quite the confession, Swan."
She shook her head in what seemed like disbelief, eyeing the empty bottles strewn across the room and sighing. "It's not like you're going to remember it in the morning," she grumbled while finally letting her gaze fall to the floor, taking a few cautious steps backwards.
He reached his hand out, stumbling forward a bit, and ignoring the hurt that spread through his body as she tugged her hand from his grasp. Shaking his head while finding the support from the table once again, he cleared his throat. "Lass, I haven't had a hangover in well over 200 years, let alone been in such a state that my memory falters. And I've had many a nights when I consume twice this amount. Contrary to what you think, my tolerance is unbelievably high. And trust me; I'll remember every word you just spoke as clear as day in the morning."
Her shocked expression caused him to tilt his head slightly, the worry that suddenly flooded her eyes making his body tense. "I… Hook I…"
"What, did you say that thinking I'd wake up in the morning with no recollection of it?"
Her hand reached up to clasp the side of her arm, running it in soothing motions, her eyes darting quickly from his. "Well it definitely egged it on." Suddenly her demeanor changed, so instantly fast he was nearly taken aback; she stiffened, arms crossing tightly against her chest, and gaze locking with his. "Shit, I shouldn't have said anything. This… this changes nothing Hook, it can't. We can't…"
She trailed off and he noticed quickly how her body was trembling, chest rising and falling rapidly, watching how her prior emotionless eyes began brimming with tears. "We can't what, Emma?"
Waving him off with her hands, she took a step or two towards the door. "I shouldn't have come here. God, I'm so stupid. I need to go." Before she could make it half the distance to the exit, he hooked himself around wrist and pulled her towards him.
"Emma, please, don't-"
"Just forget I said anything," Emma said while yanking her hand free, rubbing the slightly irritated skin with the tips of her fingers. "I need to leave, I'll… I'll talk to you in the morning. Goodnight."
He opened his mouth to protest but she disappeared in a flash behind the door, shutting it loudly behind her as silence filed into the room once again. Killian sat down at his desk, eyeing the empty bottle of rum, while running his fingers through his hair, trying to wrap his mind around what had just happened.
Around what Emma had just told him.
His thoughts were a mess, jumbled and unorganized, constantly and loudly ringing through his mind, never once faltering.
You really mean a lot to me.
Had he not been in the slightly intoxicated stupor he was, he would have grabbed her and kissed her, telling her that she meant a lot to him as well, but alas here he found himself, alone once again, threatening to polish off another bottle in his cabinet before trying to fall into a blissful night sleep. With a quick shake of his head he stood up, walking to the bed, and falling against the mattress, letting his eyes close, the exhaustion from the alcohol finally simmering down and allowing him to be consumed by sleep.
He'd figure out what happened in the morning.
Emma wrapped her jacket tighter around her arms as the soft breeze near the marina fell over her. She had barely slept, the memories and flashbacks of the night prior keeping her awake and making her mind race. She couldn't believe she had said what she said; she had just planned to apologize, not tell him all those harbored feelings she herself was still trying to comprehend. Somewhere in between their late night talks and simple looks of understanding, she felt herself threatening to fall; to fall hard and fast for this man that, not even a month ago, she wouldn't have trusted even if someone had paid her to. He had a way of getting under her skin without saying a word and she hated it; it just made her want and need for him burn hotter. She wasn't used to being so out of control with her emotions, she was not the type of girl to turn into a nervous wreck because of a man, but yet here she found herself, body trembling as she walked along the dock towards his ship because of a momentary brain lapse the night before. The sun had just peaked over the horizon but she needed to get out of her apartment, she needed to try and calm her thoughts, and somehow it managed to bring her right back to his ship. Right back to everything that started this mess in the first place.
She softly tip-toed up the stairs, ignoring the loud creaking coming from under her feet, before she was standing afoot on the deck of the Jolly Roger. Glancing around quickly, tugging her jacket around her tighter as a nervous habit, she made her way towards Hook's cabin. She wasn't even sure why she was here, or what she was going to say, but she continued her trek to find him. After no response from her quiet knocking she slowly pushed open the large oak door, an overwhelming smell of alcohol meeting her senses as soon as she stepped into the room. Closing her eyes, shaking the images from the night before from her mind, she quietly walked over to him, hesitantly grasping his shoulder. "Hook…" she said while gently shaking him. "Hook, wake up."
His eyes slowly opened, eyebrows creasing together when he looked up at her. "Emma?" Hook questioned while sitting up in bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
"Hey..." she responded quietly as she pulled back and wrapped her arms around her torso, a sudden feeling of self-consciousness taking over her body. "How you feeling?"
"Besides being exhausted, I'm fine," he said gruffly, turning his upper body to face her. "I told you lass, I don't get hungover anymore."
Emma swallowed nervously, averting her gaze from him, pulling back further as a reflex. "I was afraid of that..." she trailed off, keeping her eyes set firmly towards the floor. "Listen… I just wanted to come by and ask why the hell you were acting the way you were last night."
"I think you know why, Emma," he said simply while tossing the blankets off his legs. Emma furrowed her eyebrows at him, raising an eyebrow.
"If I did, do really think I would be asking you right now? All I know is that you're for some reason mad at me, it has something to do with Neal, and apparently you're not jealous so-"
Hook stood up suddenly; surprising Emma and making her cower back further. His sleepy state made him nearly lose his footing, but he steadied himself against the table. "Well, darling, maybe I am jealous."
Emma's mouth gapped for a moment, taken aback by his statement, although a quiet voice in her head told her she shouldn't be surprised. "Why the hell are you jealous?"
"Why do you think, Emma!" The sudden frustration in his voice made Emma jump but she held his gaze, his blue eyes burning into her, yet pleading to her at the same time. "Emma... maybe it was against my better judgment, but I thought there was something between us while we were in Neverland. I truly did. But then we returned home and you let that coward back into your life while shutting me out completely. Without an explanation, nonetheless. I should have been angry, and I was at first, but every time I saw you with him I just wanted it to be me." He stepped towards her, rubbing his neck nervously.
Emma stared at him wide eyed, racking her brain for the right words to say, trying her best not to fumble over her words. She had to be strong; she couldn't let him see her crack. "Hook… nothing I did was to hurt you. But you have no right to be jealous!"
"Why? Because nothing was established between us? Those near kisses under the cover of darkness and conversations lasting through the sunrise just meant nothing to you, is that right?"
She wasn't expecting him to say that. "No, of course not, that's not what I'm saying-"
Hook stepped closer to her but she held her ground, watching as his eyes clouded with anger. "I can't want to be in your life or in your son's life, the way Baelfire is, because we ran out of time to take that step?"
"Hook stop!"
"If you don't want me in your life Emma, just tell me, don't bloody ignore me-"
"Killian!" she screamed, causing him to fall silent. He eyed her as she took a deep breath, searching for the right words to say. "Killian, you scare the shit out of me, okay? Somehow you have managed to rattle all these walls I've spent years putting up to keep people from getting too close. I barely knew you and you started knocking them down like it was nothing. And while maybe this could be something wonderful..." She trailed off, gesturing between them. "I just... I don't know if I can do it right now."
"Then why are you here?" he asked sharply. Emma opened her mouth to answer, but closed it just as quickly. Why was she here? To apologize again? "As it is, I remember everything you admitted last night, there's no backing out of it now, lass."
"I didn't mean what I said," Emma said, quicker than she should have, and from the way he was watching her she knew he saw right through the lie.
"Stop."
Emma titled her head to the side, scoffing at him. "Excuse me?"
"Stop running. You're running away from me."
Damn it. "No I'm not!" she said defensively while still taking a step closer to him. "I just… God, with everything that has happened I don't know how this can work!" It wasn't until she looked up that she realized how close they were. They were now breathing in each other, personal space diminishing as the seconds ticked by. "I seriously don't understand you, Hook. One moment you're confessing how badly you want to be in my life and the next you're yelling at him. Do want me to stay or go?"
The next few moments flashed by in spurts; one second they were holding each other's gaze, and the next his lips were slanted over hers. She wasn't even sure who initiated the kiss. But the moment their lips met, she knew there was no going back from this. After the initial shock spread through her body she gave into him, into herself even, and kissed him back. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she suppressed a groan when his fingers tangled into her curls. She didn't know what was up and what was down, her legs threatening to give out at any moment. He pulled back far too quickly for her liking, both of them calming their breathing as Emma's brain began wrapping around the situation.
"What do you think, Emma?" Hook questioned breathlessly while cupping her cheek.
She shook her head before meeting his electric blue eyes. "Do you really think this would work out? You and I?"
"Well we won't know unless we give it a shot."
Emma smiled, tilting her head into his palm. "I know…" she said quietly, before a laugh escaped her lips. "God, we're both two really stubborn people aren't we?"
Hook gave her a tight lipped smile, letting out a chuckle of his own. "Aye, that we are, lass."
"Were you really jealous of Neal?" Emma asked suddenly, letting her hands fall against his chest. "I mean, it seems quite out of character for the oh-so-charming lady killer, Captain Killian Jones, to get jealous, doesn't it?" she teased while running her fingers over the lapels of his jacket.
"Alright, lass, get it all out."
Emma planted another chaste kiss on his lips. "Well, contrary to what you believe, you have nothing to worry about. He's not a threat in the slightest. But Neal is going to be around for a while, since he's Henry's father, so you will have to deal with that."
Hook groaned playfully, leaning his head against hers. "Fine, as long as he keeps to himself." Emma leaned her head against his chest, her arms snaking around his torso to hold herself against him. "I know you're scared lass, I am too. It's been a long time since I've felt this way for someone. But I swear to you that if you let me in, I won't hurt you."
All Emma responded with was a nod, closing her eyes and letting out a few calming breaths. This whole thing was crazy and unexpected but sometimes those sorts of things are the best for you. And although she was terrified, she had a feeling Killian Jones would turn out to be one of the best things to waltz into her life.