Even The Doctor Can't Always Be Strong
Fandom: Doctor Who.
Timeline: Season 2, after "The Girl in the Fireplace".
All rights for Doctor Who are the BBC's. I own nothing.
She came to him that night. Mickey had already left to sleep, and Rose too, was on her way to bed, when she heard the Doctor turning to one of the observation rooms. She walked after him quietly and walked into the room right before the door closed.
The Doctor was standing by the big window, watching the sky. They were floating in space, by a planet she didn't know in a galaxy she didn't know. The Doctor, as usual, was wearing his coat and tie. He was wearing his glasses and apparently holding something in his right hand. She wasn't sure, but she thought she saw "Doctor" written on the paper.
He seemed unaware to the fact she was in the room. She wasn't sure – the Doctor could notice things without her noticing it – but she thought he was too busy thinking to notice her. So she remained quiet and watched him standing there, looking at the space filled with suns in front of him.
"She could read my thoughts," he muttered suddenly. His voice was so quiet that for a moment she wasn't sure he was talking to her. He didn't turn to her or called her name, but she still had a feeling he was talking to her. Or perhaps it only felt like it because she was the only person in the room other than the Doctor himself.
She hesitated for a moment before coughing. The Doctor immediately turned around, confirming her suspicion that he hadn't even noticed her. He tried to put on a regular expression for her, but she could still see sadness in his eyes. He hurried to slide the paper into his jacket's pocket, but she could notice another name on it- Reinette.
"Rose. I thought you're asleep."
"You don't have to be strong with me," She said quietly, stepping towards him. He blinked, surprised. "I know you, Doctor. I do for a while now. What happened there?"
"Nothing. I'm alright. I am."
She refused to give up. "When you came back you were joyous. You were excited. What happened when you left again, Doctor? Is it something to do with Reinette?" Her eyes met his, unwavering.
He hesitated. "You wouldn't understand."
"What is it?" Her voice was soft. He didn't reply. "What happened in that place?"
"She died, Rose," He said quietly eventually. "She died, thinking I left her. I only returned here for a short moment, just to let you know that I am back, but when I returned she was dead. I promised her I would be back for her. I promised her she could travel amongst the stars."
Even though she felt a pinch of jealousy in her heart, she continued on. "There was nothing you could do."
"I fixed the link. I thought I did. Yet it's been six years since I saved her. Six years since I promised to take her away."
"You needed to let us know you were alive. I mean, the last time I was alone with the TARDIS, I looked into its heart. That time vortex could have killed you! You didn't have a choice but to come back."
"Only I should have taken her with me." He took his glasses off, suddenly looking tired. "I should have taken her with me before I came back."
Rose stepped towards him again and stopped by his side. The Doctor turned around towards the window and she turned to look at space as well, thinking. Every few moments she glanced at the Doctor, again wondering what he is thinking about. He looked tired, so very tired. She had known him for a long while now, but she's never seen him this tired.
"It's not easy," He said quietly in response to her look sent towards him. "Humans always think their lives would be better if they could live hundreds and thousands of years, but they're all wrong. It's the hardest to live for this long. You watch everyone you love wither and die. You watch the world changing and know there's nothing you can do to stop it, not even the bad changes. Every person you've ever known is long dead, yet you are still alive, waiting for your own death that will only come in centuries. The Timelords are lucky, in a way, but they're also cursed in a way no human can understand."
Rose didn't reply. She just looked at him quietly, waiting for him to finish talking.
"Nine hundred years," He said quietly, "and I've lost more people than you could possibly imagine. Friends, family, companions, allies. Humans, not humans. I've traveled anywhere in time and space, yet I have never found anything that can stop this."
"If you could... would you rather be human?"
"I don't know. I couldn't give up on the ability to travel time and change history for the better. But if I could, in any way, not watch the people I care about dying or leave them behind... if I could travel with them until I die of old age and not them... This gift," he gestured towards the TARDIS around them, "would be so much better."
"Did she write to you?" She then asked.
He gave her a surprised look. "How do you know?"
"I saw the paper in your hand." He looked away. "What did she write?"
"Not much."
She got the hint. "Doctor, for what it's worth..." He turned to her and their eyes met once again, "If there's anything you need, anytime... I'm here. And I mean it. You don't have to be so strong and invincible all the time."
He smiled, unable to stop himself. "Thank you, Rose." She just gave him another stern look before smiling.
"Aren't you going to sleep tonight?" She asked when she noticed he didn't move.
"I'll do that in a moment. There's just something I need to do."
She turned around and walked towards the door. "Goodnight, then," She said as she opened it.
"Goodnight," He replied quietly.
She remained by the door after closing it. She heard him mumbling something and reading the letter again before turning to leave. She hurried to walk away, trying to pretend she didn't hear anything, but in her heart wondered if he knew she was there and just wanted her to leave. Following him to his room, she shook her head at that thought. He really did leave to sleep.
She smiled to herself before doing the same as well.