AN:

Of all the people to be writing a Mary Sue satire, I am the least deserving since I wrote a True Blood OC of my own. This is just in good fun.

Mary Sue nervously tucked one of her glossy, ebony curls behind one of her alabaster ears. If you looked very closely, you would be able to see the slightest point in her ears. She had just a drop of elf blood in her veins.

She shifted uncomfortably in her clear 5 inch heels. Normally she'd never be caught dead in such skankware, but she was desperate for a job, and she needed to play the part. Of all the normal bars, retail stores, and offices she could have applied for instead, she chose Fangtasia because it was the only way to make a meek 16 year old girl cross paths with a 1000 year old Viking vampire. She tugged down her short leather skirt and wished she was wearing her customary yellow sundress with daisies and tulips on it.

She took a deep breath, and walked up to the pretty female vampire who was checking ID's at the door.

"Well hellooo, there" purred the vampire, eying Mary appreciatively. Mary blushed. Although she had full D cup breasts, a 22 inch waist, and long, sexy legs, she wasn't used to the attention. She didn't realize how pretty she was. It was a trait that ran in her family, especially her second cousin, Bella Swan. Like Bella, Mary was also very clumsy. But, while Mary would always trip over her own feet, she somehow managed to walk gracefully in 5 inch hooker heels.

"I'm here for the job interview," she said boldly. She stood tall.

"My name is Pam," said the vampire, for the benefit of the readers. "Go in."

As Mary walked into the bar, holding her head high and trying to hide her trembling, every eye was on her. More than a few fangs popped out. Her purity shined through her emerald eyes, even though she was dressed like a vampire stripper. The vampires, with their supernatural hearing, could hear her iron hymen squeaking as she walked over to the giant blond vampire in the throne. Virginity was a highly desirable trait in females, despite the nonsensicalness of double standards and the advent of the 21st century. Mary was saving herself for a significantly older badboy asshole who had used and discarded many impure women, only to change magically for her.

The blond vampire on the throne tilted his head at her and beckoned. She swallowed and went closer.

"You're applying for the bartender position," he drawled. He knew everything.

"Yes," Mary squeaked. Although she could be very bold and defiant at times, the vampire was very intimidating, especially as he raked his eyes over her body. He found her especially interesting, even though he saw numerous scantily clad and willing women every single night.

"How old are you?"

"Twenty one," Mary lied. She was actually sixteen. Mary never told a lie unless she absolutely had to, or to further a plot point.

The vampire used his hypnosis this time. "What's your real age?"

"Twenty one," she insisted.

Unexplained immunity to glamour was a trait often found in the Sue family. This immunity made all Sue's incredibly attractive to vampires, because vampires like to get what they can't have. After all, vampires were human too, even if it was a very long time ago. This vampire was no exception. He was instantly intrigued.

"What do your parents think of your bartending at a vampire bar?"

"I'm an orphan. They died in a horrible and tragic accident when I was 5 years old."

Half of the Sue family tree had been killed off in some horrific accident. A quarter of it had been tortured or abused in childhood in some way.

"Don't you have to go to school?"

"I taught myself everything when I was 10 years old."

"Very well, then. My name is Eric. Most of the employees here call me Master. You will also call me Master."

"I have no master!" Mary cried indignantly.

Eric's manhood swelled at the girl's defiance. No one had ever defied him. It stoked the fire in his loins. "Come," he ordered huskily. He grabbed her wrist and dragged her to his office.

Mary teared up, frightened about what was to ensue. She trotted to keep up with his long strides. When Eric reached his office, he pulled Mary inside and slammed her against a wall, because a little bit of violence is supposedly sexy when you're reading it and not actually experiencing it. Eric leaned his face close to Mary's. His fangs were out.

"Mary Sue," he growled. "You. Are. Mine."

"No," she whimpered. "Please…"

Eric immediately pulled back and softened, because fictional alpha males always have an instinct for when they have gone too far. He licked off her tears. They were sweet and delicious. By some genetic mishap, many Sue's cried sugar water. "It is not a bad thing to be mine," he told her gently. "It means that no other vampire can have you. You will be safe from them."

Mary stared at Eric with wide and trusting eyes, despite the fact that they had only met 5 minutes ago. It didn't occur to her that she could keep herself safe from vampires by not trying to work at a vampire bar, and instead finding work as a model because she was so very beautiful and every magazine wanted her on its cover. But then, she didn't realize how beautiful she really was. Although every male on Planet Earth secretly desired her, they also loathed her and found her weird because of the funny tint in her emerald colored eyes. They thought she was crazy. Maybe she could read minds.

"I am yours," she whispered.

Eric's fangs came out again. And he took her, which was technically statutory rape, but it was ok because Mary Sue was extremely precocious for her age and had the maturity of a 25 year old. Besides, statutory rape didn't exist in Mary Sue's world. Neither did character flaws, normal eye colors, or any dose of reality.

Mary Sue was absolutely excellent at sex, and kissing, even though she had only kissed frogs before. Despite her torn flesh in one of the most sensitive parts of the body, she was able to take the Viking raid up the hilt. The pain lasted for just a quick flash, then it was all pleasure because all Sue women have magical vaginas that heal themselves after the initial penetration. Her pearl glistened, his loins boiled, her wet center throbbed, and his manhood thundered.

When he bit her, it didn't hurt at all even though two sharp teeth were penetrating through her dermis enough to draw blood. When he drank her blood, she wasn't grossed out at all, even though she wasn't a fangbanger. She was different from the loose and easy groupies who were attracted to hypocritical vampires who stigmatized them for being attracted to vampires. She knew the bite marks would magically heal and leave no scar, even though many of the fangbangers wore their scars like badges of honor.

"Ohhhh, Mary!" Eric cried. He had never been so enamored. In all of his 1000 years, he felt human for the first time (since Sookie Stackhouse, who conveniently will make no appearance in this chapter, and if she does, she will either be a complete OOC bitch or happily paired with someone else.) Eric felt love, all because of a 16 year old bartender named Mary Sue. This phenomenon was so unlikely that Mary was too good to be true.

AN:

I've never done an actual parody before, I hope you like it. If you do, Ann T. Sue will be next.