You only realise how annoying the inevitability of death is when you think about the fact that one day, you're going to be killed by something. Doesn't matter if you die in the most hellacious battle ever fought, or if you die on the toilet, it's going to happen. But everybody leaves something and someone behind however they go and that's what people get upset about. Do they grieve for the deceased or for themselves?
I'm in the unfortunate position of not being dead, but dying. Minutes ago, I was trying to work out if I'm grieving for my family or myself. Then I had a sort of epiphany.
The answer is Hazel Grace.
Because even though I love my family and I've never been keen on the idea of not living, it's not necessary for them to worry about death. But for Hazel Grace it is because however goddamn unfair it is, she will die before them. Hazel won't be here for much longer so whoever really is running this place better sort that shit out because she is perfect, cancer and all and I'm beginning to wonder that if there is hell, then we exist in it right now.
Suppose it's a bit to late to begin to wonder about anything now but then again I'm sure there was some kid in the same state with roughly the same amount of time to enjoy breathing who wished him/herself to a trip to the Northern Lights. And if that kid can manage to do that then I'm sure I can buy some time to wonder. All of the best things in the world came from someone deciding to wonder so maybe I can find a cure for cancer if I think for a bit. They do say grieving gives people time to think.
Grieving. Always associated with dead people, not the suffering, not even the dying.
New question: Am I grieving for Hazel Grace because she is going to die, or because I'm not going to see her live?
Maybe I won't answer that one. Because no matter how long I have left, I can think about Hazel for the rest of my life on this planet and I'm more than okay with this.