My Worst Mistake
For some reason, I couldn't stop drinking that night. It wasn't that I was depressed, or that work was too hard that day… it was just a feeling that told me to keep going. I knew I would get yelled at when I went in to work the next morning, but I just didn't care. Though, unlike most nights, when I came to the bar alone to wallow in self-pity, I had company.
Hisoka wasn't allowed in the bar because of how he looked, but the bar owner knew me, and I pulled some strings to get in. Despite my hard efforts, Hisoka was still reluctant to enter. I had told him we should hang out, but he wasn't a very friendly person, sometimes, and so getting him to come with me was very difficult. Thing was, I didn't want to be alone that night. When I went to his house hours earlier, he wasn't doing much of anything. Hisoka didn't have a tv, which I thought was a nightmare, but he had lots of books. He was reading when I entered.
He yelled at me for coming by without calling first, but let me in, nevertheless. He always acted tough, but I think he wanted company, too. So, as he continued reading, I sat next to him on the couch. He lied. He said he was reading a very interesting book, but then, why did he not appear interested at all? Aside form that, he kept peering over at me as I sat there with a bored expression. Finally, he sighed and set his book down on the table and stared at me, trying not to look annoyed.
"Why are you here?"
"Hisoka, lets go out and do stuff!"
Two hours later, we were sitting in the third bar we had come by that night. Well, Hisoka was sitting; I was sort of drunk, so I was more slouchy than sitty. Hee hee… funny words! Anyway, as I drank to my heart's content, Hisoka just sat there reading the book her brought along with him. I offered him a sip, but he glared and hit me on the head. It sure woke me up a little more, but that was easily fixed with another drink of the bar's strongest booze.
I didn't know why I wanted to drink so much… Or, have I already said that? Well, it didn't matter. The damage was already done, and my head hurt like hell. Sometimes, having Hisoka with me at the bar took away all the fun of being drunk. Whenever I started to get to the happy faze, he would hit me or nudge my arm, reminding me that I was a grown man.
Am I really? I mean, I look like one, but I don't act like one, at least when others were around. Sometimes, when I'm alone with Hisoka, some parts of my mask would fall down, and he would get a look at the real me. But, I was quick to put the mask back on, and to feign ignorance. Thing was, I was afraid of what people would think of me. It's just easier to make people think I was just some loser shinigami who eats too much. That was enough for the time being. But I get the feeling, every now and then, that I'm not fooling my new partner at all.
Whenever I drink, it's harder to keep my mask up, and I had to try not to let myself go so Hisoka doesn't see the real me. I'm a bad man, sometimes… I've done some horrible things in my life and afterlife, and when I drink, I'm reminded of that. Also, I often look around me and see couples. I never had a girlfriend, even though I've always wanted one. It's sad… but now, it's impossible for me to get one. I would only end up hurting her and myself. You know, Tatsumi was talking to me once… he said that when I think of these things and drink, I'm purposely trying to do myself mental harm. Does he think I'm some masochist? Well, it doesn't matter.
My face is lying down against the bar top, and it's cold compared to my flushed cheek. I was getting warmer by the minute but my only concern was trying to relieve the tension in my temple. That night, I must have tested the waters a little. Usually I'd only have a few cups and then bring a bottle of Sake home for later, not that I actually would get into it until almost a week after bringing it home. But that night, I must have practically cleaned out two of the three bars. I was tired, but I knew I wouldn't get any sleep. I was sick, but no amount of stomach pills would ease my nausea. I was lonely, but there was someone right next to me, who… at the time, was shaking my shoulder.
Slowly, as to not further hurt my head, I turned to the other side, letting my other burning cheek soak up the coolness, and looked up at my partner. He looked both annoyed and worried at the same time. I have no idea now that was even possible, but he was doing it. My vision wavered a little, but I felt him reach out and lightly touch my forehead. I felt a little better after that, even though he scolded me the second his hand retracted. He walked me home, and I guess he didn't leave until after I managed to convince him I had fallen asleep. I heard the front door click shut, and then my eyes opened once more. It was going to be one of those nights… I was alone, but not just in my head. There was an emptiness which couldn't be filled up, no matter who I was with. Wishing for something I could never have, because I was dead…hell, maybe I am a masochist. But, hey… who wouldn't want to know what it was like to fall in love?