October 30, 2004
Dear Mr. Snicket,
My name is either Shayna Henckel-Miller, or some other name which I am not likely to disclose to you or your publisher in the near future, and I am either 3, 12, or 57 years old. Please pardon me if this letter offends you, your publisher, any surviving members of V.F.D., any non-surviving members of V.F.D., the Baudelaires, the Quagmires, or anyone else that you happen to know, or not know, who is not an associate of Count Olaf (or whatever he happens to be calling himself at the moment).
I was extremely disappointed to find that your latest account of the Baudelaires' adventures, The Grim Grotto, actually had a mildly happy ending, a phrase which here means "not sad" which means "it probably didn't happen to the Baudelaires, and the book is probably written in code". It also means that you either lied or were mistaken when you said in your first book, "…not very many happy things happened in the lives of the three Baudelaire youngsters" and "…they were extremely unlucky, and most everything that happened to them was rife with misfortune, misery, and despair". Although I know you believe that most young people, old people, and middle-aged people prefer to read happier stories with happier endings, beginnings, and middles, I and several other people I may or may not know are otherwise opinionated. However sickening, depressing, or miserable these accounts may be, we still enjoy reading about other peoples' problems. It may make us cry for the poor miserable Baudelaires, but it helps us to take our minds off our own problems by wallowing in someone else's. If the book is, in fact, written in code, please send me a copy of the code written in invisible ink on a green sheet of paper, through Care of General Delivery, and include a photo of yourself that is not from the back or the side, and is neither partially nor entirely in shadow, if such a print exists, although I sincerely doubt it.
I have been keeping your Unauthorized Autobiography well disguised with the reversable cover, Mr. Snicket, although the idea of the story depicted there makes me sick to my stomach. As I have said, I would much prefer a sickening and miserable story to a sickening and cheerful story. In return, I very much hope that you will send me the afore-mentioned letter and photo.
Who is Beatrice?
Thank you very much, Mr. Snicket, and I sincerely hope that if the author's execution has not been canceled, it has at least been put off until a later date.