Greetings. It is I, Darth Vader. Also known as: one of the most powerful Sith Lords of all time. I shall share with you a story, young padawan, jawa, or whatever species you may be. A story of the time I attempted to leave the dark side. Ah, you're shaking your head in disbelief. Settle yourself down with a nice cup of clue milk, wipe that skeptical expression away from your face, and absorb the words that are to come from my mouth...out of my vent...and then into your ear.
It was any regular day at work on the Death Star. I was performing the usual actions: choking those who did not obey, shouting orders to StormTroopers, and secretly grieving as I stared out of the window into the everlasting vacuum, which we call space. I often lock the door of my chamber when I do this, as my skin is very sensitive to contact. My tears cause a burning sensation, which gives me a hard time when I am speaking to my workers.
From the moment I awoke that morning, three hours earlier, I knew it was going to be a horrid day. As I emerged from my bed, (which is not exactly the easiest thing to do with the condition I'm in, mind you) I knocked over my lamp, and spilled my facial ointment. This was very frustrating for me, as this ointment is very vital to the health of my skin. "Oh, well. I'll send some StormTroopers to swipe some more for me later." I said casually, heading towards my bathroom.
Every morning, I take some time to ponder myself in the mirror. I ask myself questions. I know it sounds strange, but in my condition, it's normal. Sometimes, I just need to think about my past, and how successful I've become over time. Despite my disfigured body, that is. After I do this, it's time to enforce.
You may assume that I very much enjoy walking around and telling others what to do. Here is where you are mistaken.
I've gone through quite a bit. My existence consists of living in a leather suit, for God's sake; and I'm forbidden from taking any little bit of it off, except for my helmet (only for a short amount of time, however), and that is very aggravating. On top of that, the Death Star is almost always in danger of being destroyed by those meddling Jedi, who only triumph with the help of smugglers, teddy bears, and God knows what else! What would the Jedi have done without the help of Han Solo? What if he had decided to ditch them after all? It is luck, and it is not the slightest bit fair.
Erm. Please excuse my break down; they come and go. Now, then. Where were we? Ah, yes.
Things were completely normal. For the most part, anyway. I checked in on all of the workers, threatened a few lives, and then shuffled off towards the main room of the Death Star. The room where most of the controls were located, to be precise. I was already getting frustrated with the fact that I could not take a successful sip of my coffee, when I suddenly heard the voice of General Veers coming from behind me. His sudden appearance caused me to jump, spilling my coffee down my leg. "Arrrgghhh!" I growled, turning to face him.
"What is it, General!?" I asked, stiffening as I tried my best to hide the pain and anger I felt.
"Pardon my..interruption, sire, I have some important news for you." Veers said, stepping back nervously. "I'm listening." I said, trying to ignore the horrible burning sensation of the hot coffee on my sensitive skin.
General Veers, with an I-really-wish-I-wasn't-the-one-who-had-to-do-this tone, informed me that the Jedi were planning yet another attack on the Death Star. I stared blankly at him; this is something I do when I'm ready for a conversation to end. After I realized that it was not working, I told the General to leave me alone for the time being. I would think of something later, as I was not in the mood at the time. Veers left me to continue to attempt a successful sip of my coffee.
This went on for about half an hour, before I finally got sick of it and tossed the coffee across the room.
All throughout the day, I was shadowed by a thick, persistent cloud of bad luck. I snagged my cape on a few pointed objects, tripped on my own feet about three times, and I was trapped in the elevator for over an hour due to a power outage. Words cannot possibly express the sheer embarrassment that I faced that day. I was truly ecstatic when it was time to retire to my chamber for the night; or, I should probably call it 'sleepy time', as it is always night time in space.
My bed was extremely welcoming that night. Because of my horrid day, no doubt. It was nice to finally take it easy..
When I awoke from my pleasant slumber the next day, I had a strange, unusual feeling of beatitude. I had a splendid dream to go along with my sleep, and the fact that I hadn't had a civilized dream, much less a dream at all, in quite a while made it all the better. I slid gingerly out of my bed, shuffled off to my bathroom, and began my daily self-pondering moment, as usual.
On this specific day, I decided I would appraise my own face, rather than the face of my helmet. I cringed a little at the sight of my real face. Looking at it reminds me of my past mistakes; it definitely gets my emotions going. I could feel tears well up in my eyes, and burn as they ran down my deformed face. What was wrong with me? Something about my own reflection got me thinking. I was too old for this 'ruler of the galaxy' business. My time was short. What was the point of having the whole galaxy either bending to my will, or trying to destroy me? Why couldn't I have... true allies? Not just any allies. True allies that would want to be on my side out of their own free will. My mind was made up. I was going to change my attitude towards others. I was going to turn my life around.
I spent the next few minutes staring intently at my own reflection. After a while, my eye-sight became slightly blurry, and I fit my helmet back onto my head, where it belonged. As I was searching for my facial ointment (I had forgotten about my spilling it the day before), I heard a knock on my chamber door. As the automatic door of my chamber slid open, a nervous-looking General Veers stood with an almost-mechanical posture.
"Lord Vader." he said, bowing his head.
"Yes, General?" I asked.
"Have you devised a plan to diminish the Jedi yet, sir?" General Veers asked with shakiness in his voice. I smiled behind my mask.
"No, I have not. In fact..." I began, my grin gradually widening. Veers raised an eyebrow. "In fact, we are going to resolve our conflict." I said proudly. To be honest, it felt quite good to say something that wasn't 'on the dark side,' so to say. Veers gave me a look of disbelief, and neither of us said a word. The only sound to be heard was the sound of my ridiculously loud breathing.
"And, furthermore," I began, feeling slightly excited as this new plan unraveled, "I would like you and all the other workers to take it easy. I am going to take one of the shuttles on an important, eh, business trip, and I will be back in less than 3 days." General Veers cleared his throat. "Are you sure about this, my Lord?" he asked.
"Absolutely positive." I answered. I gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder, to which his reaction was a cringe, and made my way to the main control room to inform the other workers of my decision.
Not one of them believed my actions. They all exchanged looks of sheer disbelief. I could hear an eruption of whispers as I exited the room, and marched off triumphantly to my awaiting shuttle.
Along the way, I greeted bypassing StormTroopers with the friendliest tone I could manage. It had been a while since I had done something like this you see, and my 'nice' tone was rusty.
Once aboard my shuttle, I began to plan all the good deeds that I would perform. I had performed many vicious crimes in the past, and I wasn't sure where to start making my amends Then it hit me. My children. How could I forget? I was sure they would be extremely ecstatic to hear that I was attempting to better myself. So, I set my GPS for the planet Tatooine and whistled a cheerful tune as my ship went into hyper speed.
On my way there, I plotted out what I would say when I arrived at their door. "It is I, your father. I love you." I recited. No, that won't work. "I am your friend." No. "We are to rule the arcade as father, daughter, and son!" Perhaps. At last, I arrived at the station where my daughter, Leia, and my son, Luke were located.
I could feel my hands shaking as I began to knock on the door. To my surprise, it opened just before I knocked.
I found myself standing face-to-helmet with my son, Luke. He was taken aback by our unexpected confrontation.
"Hello, Son." I said, quickly waving a hand.
"Father." Luke said.
"I have come to apologize for everything I have done. I realize that I have been a real jerk these past few years...and I am sorry." I said. I hoped that I didn't sound cheap. There was an awkward silence between the two of us. Then..
"I accept your apology, father. Would you like to come inside?" Luke asked. I nodded my head and did so.
I informed Leia and Luke of my decision to leave the dark side. Both gave me looks of shock and disbelief, just as my workers had done. I then told them that I was going to take them to a special place, so that we could strengthen our father-to-child bond. It took a while for them to actually trust me, but I soon found myself driving my own ship with my own children sitting beside me. I have to admit, it felt wonderful.
On our way to the special place, we told stories and updated each other on how our lives went during our separation. I was extremely surprised to learn that Leia is in love with Han Solo. It angered me when she informed me that when she told him she loved him, he simply replied with "I know." I hoped that she knew what she was doing, dating some smuggler with an attitude like that.
At last, we arrived at the 'special place.' Chuck E Cheeses. Luke and Leia did not seem very excited about it, which disappointed me a little.
Once we walked into the building, a women whose name tag read 'Sarah' asked for our hands. I was a little puzzled at why she wanted this, until I saw her stamp a symbol on my daughter's hand. She did the same to my son's, but gave me a strange look when I offered mine. "What?" I asked, my voice a little rough. "I can't stamp your hand while you're wearing that glove. Can you remove it, please?" she asked. I stared for a few moments. "What is the stamp for, Sarah?" I asked. I imagined it would be more friendly for me to call her by her name. She didn't appear flattered by my charm. "I really don't know, sir. All I know is that you require a stamp to enter the premises." she answered. "Please remove the glove."
"I'd rather not" I answered. "Then I guess you aren't entering." Sarah said. "I will enter if I please." I said, ignoring her remark and walking past the security machine. She attempted to stop me, but I abruptly used the force to hold her back, while Luke and Leia grabbed us a seat.
I was pleased that she decided to let me in iwithout/i the stamp. It was a life-saving choice, on her part.
Once I was sat down, I tried to begin a conversation with my kids. I asked them if they liked the place, and if they felt the need to digest something. They didn't answer my first question, which upset me a little, but they answered the second one with a hasty "Yes, we're famished." We ordered two pizzas and talked for a while. I was surprised that neither of them were interested in any of the games that were provided. They seemed a little nervous. The two spoke with shy tones, and didn't give me full eye-contact when we spoke. It was quite depressing for me, as most parents are supposed to be comfortable around their own children.
The pizza finally arrived, and we ate. Luke and Leia did, at least. I couldn't manage to take a bite of my pizza with my helmet on, and taking it off wasn't the best idea at that time.
After they were done eating, we watched an annoying trio of humans dressed as some kind of animals sing a song about friendship. I tried my best not to force choke all three of them. Luke and Leia didn't seem to be having a fun time. What was wrong with them? Wasn't Chuck E Cheeses 'the bomb'? "Say, kids, why don't we hit the arcade?" I asked, managing a cheery tone. Luke and Leia exchanged confused glances. "Uh, Father, we're grown ups." Luke said, trying his best not to sound rude. It hurt my feelings a little, but I held my emotions back. I could sense that Luke understood my disappointment. After he gave Leia a glance, he stood up and suggested that we play some games. His suggestion warmed my heart, and I followed him to the arcade without hesitation.
We played quite a few games; one of them consisted of tossing a ball into a net. If the ball made it through the net successfuly, five strips of paper emerged from a slot located under the coin-slot of the machine. We also played a game that required us to stomp on colored tiles. The game, according to the words printed on the side of it, was called 'Dance Party X'. I have to admit, I was pretty good at it. Though, it frustrated me that I had to step on the tiles that lit up, and when I did not, the game would cease, and I was required to insert another coin in order to play again.
I could feel the bond between my children and I begin to grow as we played more games. However, some of these games were extremely aggravating for me with my condition. One of them required one to drive a space craft at an uncontrollable speed, and get to a certain point before any others did. My helmet gave me a hard time, as I could not see where I was going, and as a result, wrecked and failed to reach the ending point. Luke, however, managed to win this game without breaking a sweat, it seemed. I was a bit envious of his accomplishment, but I managed to keep a smile on my face.
After a while, a large amount of human children swarmed in the arcade. They were extremely rowdy, and they did not watch where they were going. A few times, my cape was tugged, and I almost toppled over. I managed to keep my cool, but I could feel familiar feelings of the dark side seeping into me.
We earned many slips of paper (I soon learned they were called tickets). Leia informed me that we could turn them in for prizes, and we did. I purchased a plastic ball on a stick, with an assortment on bright lights spinning around inside of it, at the press of a button. Luke turned his tickets in for a stuffed bear, which he gave to Leia. I couldn't help but smile. My children were definitely well-raised.
As time progressed, we earned more tickets, and purchased more prizes. Sadly, I found myself becoming extremely annoyed with the large amount of children running around. They were obnoxious. A few of them asked to get their pictures taken with 'the evil space monster' (they were referring to me). Others simply threw food at me, or grabbed onto my arm or leg and smothered it in an uncomfortable embrace. I could tell that Luke and Leia could sense my aggravation, so I tried my best to stay calm.
As things got more out of hand, I could feel the rage welling up inside of me. For some reason, all the children were extremely interested in my presence. A group of older kids ran after me, screaming at the top of their lungs. I tripped clumsily over a shoe, and landed in a tub full of colorful, plastic balls. From that point on, children were all over me. They yanked my cape, pulled my helmet, and jumped on me like I was some sort of trampoline!
I noticed that one of the children had a look on his face. However, he continued to pounce on me, like all the others. Then, suddenly, the kid vomited all over me! The smell was unbearable, and it lingered inside my helmet. I could not take it. I managed to emerge from the ball pit, but the children followed me out, and tackled me mercilessly. After a few moments of wallowing on the ground, covered by children, I stood up and used the force to throw them all into the ball pit. I then stomped past Luke and Leia without saying a word. I was ready to go home.
"Father, where are you going?" Luke asked, grabbing my shoulder. "Luke, I cannot take this. It is unbearable. I am going back to the Death Star. You may come visit me if you wish, but make sure that I am conscienceless if you do so." I said, pointing a finger at him angrily. It is a habit I have, pointing at someone when I talk to them. I stormed past anyone and everything. I left both of my children at the dreadful Chuck E Cheeses. They would have to escape the place themselves. Once I was aboard my shuttle, I turned on my holograph broadcaster and informed General Veers that I was returning to the Death Star.
Once I arrived back home, I was greeted by an annoyingly cheerful General Veers, who gave me a warm smile and shook my gloved hand. "Welcome back, Vader! The workers are very grateful that you've decided to lessen our duties!" he said. I glared at him through my helmet. "Tell them to get back to their stations, Veers, and hastily. I want the planet 'Chuck E Cheeses' annihilated as soon as possible." I said, pointing at him. "Yes, sir.." Veers replied, his once zestful tone having dropped to a miserable one. "And Veers," I called to him as he turned to do his duty, "I have run out of facial ointment. I would like a new stock delivered here as soon as possible. Veers nodded somberly, and it was off to the old window for me to stand in silent resentment of my melancholy life.
It was good to be back.