JESUS POTTER
WARNING: EXTREME OOC-ness, taking the piss out of Christianity, defamation of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and any other biblical people, hints of slash, satirical humour, coarse language scattered here and there, mild sexual references, slightly mild drug use
READER HEED! IF YOU ARE A BIBLE-THUMPING CHRISTIAN AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO SENSE OF HUMOUR AND ZERO TOLERANCE, THEN KINDLY REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THIS GRAPHIC-USER INTERFACE SCREEN. WE ARE NOT ANTI-CHRISTIAN (in fact Fan herself is Christian), WE JUST HAPPENED TO COME UP WITH THIS IDEA FOR A PARODY. SO IF YOU WISH TO FLAME, PLEASE DO SO INTELLIGENTLY…note…the key word is "INTELLIGENTLY"… and just for the record, Woo does not think we need any saving, so spare us and yourself the sermon and get a life. By the way, we LOVE homosexuals, even though we're not, but we think homosexuals are adorable.
Thank you.
DISCLAIMER:
We humbly apologise to JK Rowling and whoever wrote the Bible, but like…it's just too funny. But yeah, we don't own Christianity and we don't own Harry Potter…I mean, don't you think we'd be like…REALLY RICH if we did? So yea, go away, stupid lawyers.
Fan: We are here!
Woo: With our first published crack fic!
Fan: This one has GOT to be our most controversial project yet…
Woo: Not that WE care, because we are having the time of our lives.
Fan: Anyway…we REALLY hope you read the extra long warning up there…
Woo: 'Cause we're not paying for your therapy and your attempts to "make us see the light"…
Fan: Just because you weren't intelligent enough to take the warnings seriously…
Woo: …Yeah… yeah… YEAH!
Fan: But aside from that…
Woo: Sit back and enjoy!
Chapter 1- The OWL-nnunciation
CHAPTER WARNINGS: A drug-induced Cedric who talks like a surfie, strange notions of pregnancy, coarse language, slash hints and attempted suicide.
In the name of the Dumbledore, the Harry and the Holy Fawkes. Amen.
A reading from the gospel according to Nicolas Flamel…
In the sixth month of Petunia Dursley's pregnancy, Dumbledore sent the angel Cedric to Godric's Hollow where the Potters lived.
He had an owl for a girl who was married to a wizard named James Potter, the son of…uhh…Potter. The girl's name was Lily.
The angel pranced down from the heavens, unwrapped the scroll the owl was holding and began to read it: "Duuuuuuude, like, peeeace maaaaaaan! Dumbledore said like, you totally rawwwwwwwwwwwk! He's like totally rooting for you!"
Lily was deeply troubled by the fact that the angel appeared to be on a drug-induced trip and wondered what the fuck he was going on about.
The angel said to her, "You're gonna be pregnant, girlfriend! You're gonna like totally give birth to Dumbledore's kid, but it's like, not really his kid…well it is, but it's not…wait is that right? Uhh…umm…well…anyway, your kid's like gonna be sooooooooooo freakin' hot and I wanna be first in line for the 'goods', you get my drift lady? (winks) Oh yeah, and he's like totally gonna save us from that evil Malfoy duuuuude…yeeeeeeaaaaahhh!"
Lily stared at the angel. What she really wanted to say was, "What the fuck? How can I be pregnant? Dumbledore's kid! He's too old for Dumbledore's sake…what the hell? I just said his name twice…and what about my husband James! He's gonna kill me…and not to mention you as well…There's an evil Malfoy man! And are you homosexual! Isn't homosexuality banned or something! And why on earth are you high!"
Instead, the words that came out of her mouth were: "OMGWTF! HOW!"
The angel answered, "Like…the Holy Fawkes will fly down and like…Dumbledore's power will…uhhh…ummm…like…I don't really know…but you'll get pregnant anyway…I mean, look at your sister Petunia, she's as ugly as hell and her husband's a fat pig, but hey! She's getting some…which is like totally eww…and strange, 'cause Dumbledore wrote a thing that predestined that they couldn't have kids or something…oh wait…I might have mixed up that predestination form in the filing with that Lestrange couple's one…"
Lily just stared at the angel some more, completely stunned with shock and disbelief. She was utterly confused as to why
1. Dumbledore wanted her to give birth to his son…was he experimenting with IVF or something?
2. The supposed angel was high and saying extremely weird things…
But in the end, she sighed and said to the angel, "Whatever…as long as it doesn't look like I cheated on James it's all good…"
Then the angel pranced away and left Lily shaking her head and muttering something about 'old codgers' and 'angels on a trip' and 'how the fuck can you get pregnant without sex?'.
James returned later on in the evening from his job at Quality Quidditch Supplies, where he crafted racing brooms.
He soon discovered that Lily was not in the kitchen, ready to berate him with a frying pan for being late again. So he went to their bedroom and saw Lily muttering to herself. That gave him an ominous feeling.
"Lily, honey, is something wrong?" he asked timidly, fearing that she had something much more lethal than a frying pan.
She didn't seem to hear him, since she was still muttering things under her breath that sounded suspiciously like 'old codger', and 'angels on a trip'.
"Lily?" he asked a bit louder this time, and she looked up.
"Oh, James, you're back…boy am I glad to see you!"
"You are?"
"Oh yes, you see I had the weirdest dream. Perhaps I was Confunded or something, but I dreamt that some high-on-crack teenage angel visited me and told me that I was going to be pregnant with Dumbledore's kid, but it's not exactly his kid, but it is in a way or something…anyway…so basically the spawn of Dumbledore is going to lie in my womb even though I don't know how that's possible because it is clearly obvious that Dumbledore is not going to do…ahem, but anyway, if you want to divorce me now that's OK, I'll just Avada Kedavra myself right now." And Lily with a sad smile pointed her wand at her belly.
"Expelliarmus!" James yelled, and Lily's wand flew into the air. "Lily, you didn't even give me a chance to say anything and you just wanna Avada Kedavra yourself! Don't do that!"
"Huh? Are you not listening to me? I just SAID that I'm going to have a kid who's not YOUR kid, but it's not really HIS kid either, but somehow it IS his kid!"
"Well Lily, I don't understand how that works but you are NOT going to kill yourself! I LOVE you! And I don't care if you're not having my actual kid because obviously the kid can't look like Dumbledore if it isn't really his kid, so it might look like me! I don't know what I just said, but yeah!"
"Oh James! I love you too!"
And James and Lily embraced. And from then on, things were smooth sailing. Kind of…
To be continued…
Fan: There you have it!
Woo: That was quite fun, actually.
Fan: I must admit, this fic was probably much easier to write…
Woo: The FWAST story arcs take up too much creativity…probably why we haven't published em yet.
Bellatrix: (reading through the fic) Oh…so that's why I can't have kids…
Fan: Well, there also is the fact that you're a psycho bitch and possibly love old Voldie-mort more than your husband, as well as the fact that you have a 90 chance of losing any sons you have since you'd probably sacrifice them to the Dark Lord as new recruits…
Woo: Yeah…but let's just blame it on Cedric for the purposes of this fic
Cedric: WAAAAAAAAAAA! I didn't mean to! I was just checking out Oliver Wood's ass through my Heavenly Pensieve!
Fan: (sigh) Like we said…let's just blame it on Cedric…
Woo: But in a weirdly fundamental way, we understand…(wink)
Fan: What is a weirdly fundamental way anyway?
Woo: It's just an excuse for us to lump big words together to make us sound intelligent…
Fan: And before we go, we'd like to add that reviews are highly appreciated.
Woo: Constructive criticism is always highly appreciated too.