Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, nor do I own the books that this fic is based on.
A/N: CRACK CRACK CRACK ALERT!!!!!!
Yes, it's chronologically inaccurate. No, I don't care. Yeah, imagine if Gaara had a diary… -shudder- this isn't like what I normally do… It's just a little cracky break from reality…
Everyone should read the original books… yes… find a book called "Angus, Thongs and Full-frontal Snogging" and read it now.
Monday
Sitting on my (useless) bed
10:00pm
JESUS! One death in Suna and people start running for the hills whenever my name is mentioned. I didn't do it this time! How can they be afraid just because he was found with sand in his lungs?! He was about a hundred and seventy years old, stupid and it was windy out. But EVERYONE has to go and blame me…
I'm a scapegoat. Suna's scapegoat. I shall call myself the scapeninja.
Midnight:
I am staring at the moon; thinking of all the other people in the world who are staring at this same moon…
… I wonder how many of them have insane demons inside of them…
Or have been accused of murder just because they have committed a few hundred in the past…
No, actually, I wonder how many haven't got eyebrows…
Contemplating my sexuality
1:30 am
I think I may be a homosexual. Because apparently God(!) decided that my being hated by an entire village is not enough, and I must now be hated by the world's homophobes and thus, double hated by the village's homophobes... the rednecks might chase me with flaming torches and pitchforks if I wouldn't kill them all.
Being gay can't be all that bad… Kankuro seems to have fun with his make-up…and dollies… I wonder if he really is gay…
Contemplating Kankuro's sexuality
1:31 am
… or maybe he just does that to get inside girl's minds…
I think he would make a lovely gay friend… he's very cuddly- looking…
1:32am
Okay, I SO did not just think that!
Bored
2:30pm
Was sitting at the kitchen bench, wondering what pain was like.
Then I heard Kankuro fall (in a very un-ninja-like fashion) down the stairs and say "ow, my everything".
Now sitting at the kitchen bench wondering if all pain is that hilarious.
Tuesday
1:15pm
Baki-sensei (sensei, slave-driver and part time invisible person) told us that we were going to start a war with Konoha soon.
Crap. I'll have to practice my 'killing face'
Monday
Good Grief!
5:30am
Baki has told us what will be involved in the process of starting war with a country that is a) cooler than us and b) way better off than us… I have to (wait for it, wait for it…) go to sleep! What a walk in the park!
…not…
7:00am
I seriously felt like clapping my hands together and shrieking "Oh GOODY! Murderous demons for all!"
Does NO ONE consider how I might feel about this? No, they do not. Do you know why?
I'll tell you.
Because I am Suna's scapeninja!
8:20am
Said to Temari when she wouldn't get out of my way; "Don't worry about me! I'm just being a scapeninja! You relax, oh weirdly haired one."
She said "What in the goddamned hell are you on about?!"
"Don't make me kill you…"
"…"
"Temari?"
"…"
"Temari?!"
"…"
"What are you doing?"
"I'm not making you kill me!"
"Okay, if ANYTHING makes me want to kill you then it's that…"
"Oh…"
I believe she has even less brain cells than our darling brother.
Thursday
To Konoha! Er, I mean… AT Konoha!
2:00 pm
Kankuro really enjoys the whole… not giving up thing…
He was picking on a midget, who was defending an even smaller midget. Then he got beat up by an angry midget and he started rambling at me…
I said "have you forgotten the reason we came all the way here"
And he started raving on about how he didn't start it
I said "shut up. Or I'll kill you" and I did the whole, scary eye-narrowing thing…
And he just kept GOING… "I was totally out of line"
Thank you mister puppet-pants! Be quiet now!!
Honestly, it's more like having a yak back than a brother…
… I mean minion…
2:09pm
… puppet slave…
… victim…
…anything but brother…
Seriously contemplating my sexuality.
4:25pm
Sasuke Uchiha really is the most spectacular drip.
It's a wonder all those girls fawn over him… he's like a sock with a headband… He's all "Kill THAT man" this and "kill THAT man" that… Heck, if I talked about killing my brother as much as he does the guy would be a nervous wreck
4:26pm
Oh wait. He is.
… hahahahahahahahaha
4:27pm
I wonder how Temari will take it when she finds out both her brothers are ninja man-lesbians.
4:29pm
She will probably say: "How the hell could you know? You'll never get any!" to Kankuro, then run away laughing while Kankuro stares forlornly after her…
… bloody funny…
4:50pm
Sasuke the Drippy Sock said to me today "You! That guy with the gourd, what's your name?"
Am I just "that guy with the gourd"?
Imagine if I lost my gourd? I would lose my whole identity!
Then who would I be? "That guy without the gourd" or "That guy formerly known as the guy with the gourd"?
4:55pm
Perhaps they only call me that because I am small? Maybe they can't see me behind the huge gourdosity…
4:56pm
Wonderful. I am a walking gourd.
6:30pm
The chuunin exams start tomorrow… Baki-sensei's all "Don't get too full of yourselves, we have a mission to complete"
If he says it one more time; the mission will come to an untimely end.
Friday
AWAY FROM KONOHA!
9:30pm
That's it… I'm walking back to Suna…
By myself…
In the rain…
So much for the dreaded chuunin exams. We had to cheat our butts off in a written exam. Kankuro wandered off saying he needed to pee…
OH HOW INCONSPICUOUS!!!!
Not that I can talk… I had a THIRD EYE floating in MID-AIR and didn't get caught. I do believe that all jounin in Konoha have lost their minds… especially that new examiner, Anko. She called us fly offspring!
I saw the blond midget that was defending the smaller midget panicking… I thought he may have died before the exam was over; if I had killed him, it would have been a mercy killing, especially because judging by the looks on his team mates' faces (especially the girl, she's terrifying), they were just as merciful as a pair dying baboons…
9:38pm
… I have no idea where that came from…
There was a girl staring madly at him like he was good-looking or something… She had no pupils, like me, only she does this freaky-eye-thing… I think freaky-eye-girl likes the blond midget… I don't know… I don't even know why I call him a midget. I'm the lord of all midgets…
Ah well, time to wander around the hotel room aimlessly for the next few hours…
… Maybe I'll pop into Kankuro's room and frighten him…
9:40pm
HAHAHAHAHA!! That was FUN!
9:45pm
The waking up joke has backfired. Kankuro is now more awake than I've ever seen him; though he's not doing much other than shaking in the corner, rocking back and forward with a sheet wrapped around him; wringing his cat hat in his hands...
9:50pm
Stupid cat hat…
I may have to get him a therapist if this keeps up…
I know! I'll give him to the mad-scientist (Anko must be a mad scientist- she turns people into maggots). She will set him straight.
9:51
Or… erm… as straight as he will go…
Which is not very.
Saturday
3:30pm
Finished this stage of the exam all-bloody-ready
I am bored. Temari and Kankuro are bored, too, but they don't matter. When I told Kankuro that I was bored he asked me if "bored" was another way of saying "murderous". Then he ran away because I did the eye-narrowing thing. He's still hiding behind Temari.
I killed some people today! I said they looked at me wrong; but in truth, I was just in a mood. Temari and Kankuro were scared witless. So were the three people and the dog hiding in the bushes; it was fairly amusing watching them freeze when I looked "past" them. The freaky-eyed girl was there; she looked like she was going to cry every time someone breathed near her. What an incredibly depressing lot these people of Konoha 1turned out to be…
…not that I can talk…
6:30pm
The freaky-eyed girl and her team finally rocked up. I said "why don't we walk past and stare evilly at them". Kankuro said "Why?"
"Because you aren't the only person I enjoy frightening"
He said "you enjoy things?" and we started to walk past them and stare evilly. They stopped dead and stared back in a 'please don't kill me' sort of way… though I think Temari's idea of 'staring evilly' is a little off; it looked more like 'checking out' to me…
One of them was wearing sunglasses.
In doors.
At night.
Whyyyyy????
Sunday
9:30pm
Back at the hotel room
What an absolutely… unique day…
We (being all the people that made it to this part of the exam) were forced to do a preliminary exam. I thought; well, duh. It's way too easy. But then the fights started!
Drippy the Sock (Sasuke Uchiha) fought some unimportant random. Apparently he has a freaky eye thing too, but it's broken right now… And there was that BM (blond midget) was fighting the dog-dude from the 'please don't kill me' team. BM broke Dog Boy's face… hahahaha. And the freaky-eyed girl fought her cousin! I almost felt sorry for her… that would be like Kankuro fighting me… the poor darling was a mess from the start…
Oh, and these two girls fought…. It was like one of those stupid video games in which inaccurately proportioned girls slap each other and crap, screaming out "Skank" and "biatch"… HILARIOUS! And apparently they were upset about Drippy the Sock because they both "love" him. Temari fought some girl who threw things at her… quite amusing, really. Kankuro fought another person who didn't matter…
… and I fought the strangest creature that has ever walked the earth.
Lee was his name… he is green and orange and I almost cried when I looked at his eyebrows.
They're HUGE!!! It's a wonder he can lift his head up at all! I'd like to borrow some off him; but I don't think he'll feel much like sharing with me since I broke his arm and leg; crushed his dreams and am now planning to stalk around the hospital until I find him, apologize (secretly) and tell him how much I love his eyebrows. But of course, my cover story will be murder…
His sensei is also frightfully unattractive. I just want to hand them both tweezers… or do it myself… yes, that would be satisfying… then I could rob some…
9:40pm
but not as satisfying as killing the sensei and putting Lee in some regular clothes; kidnapping him and taking him to some far away island where he would become my large-browed love-slave.
9:31pm
… oohhh… I think I'm in love…
9:32pm
With the eyebrows… of course…
… right?
Midnight
Ooh! And I'm fighting Drippy the Sock. Kankuro stared at me and said "He's a pro-dig-y" in a really annoying way. I bashed him on the head with my sand and he started crying…
Thursday
Busy… training?
10:30pm
hahahahahahaha!
Temari found this song called "If you were gay" and she was singing it to Kankuro…
She started going "You were just born that way! And as they say; it's in your DNA! You're gaaaaaaayyyyy" and she did the full knee-slide thing at the end like a Broadway song. I thought he was going to cry.
10:32
At least he knows he'll be accepted now… if he is…
Tuesday
8:10am
I tried to "kill" the eyebrow dude again today.
The operative term being "kill"
(Translation: "kill" means something more like "make love to" or "commit eyebrow thievery of") but the BM came in with his friend (who has to be the most insanely dull person in the universe) and stopped me from "killing" him. He said "I have a real monster inside me; I won't let him stop me!"
I felt like saying "Ooh how scary!" in a really sarcastic sort of way; but it came out more like my life story… oops
Sunday
I haven't written in a while…
4:02am
I shall fight Drippy the Sock soon… I just killed some guy (I shall call him… BANDAGE FACE!) Who wanted to get at him instead of me… he said "Do you not sleep" or something like that…
… NO I DO BLOODY NOT!
Yeah, apparently it's not only the female population that fawns over Drippy Uchiha. Ah, well, bandage face is dead now…
Wednesday
Back in Suna
10:00pm
I have been significantly changed. Drippy the Sock made me bleed. It… wait for it… HURT! YAY! I know what the hell that means now! But the person I really want to thank (because Drippy is, well, a drip) is BM, his name is Naruto; there was a huge fight between me and him (involving giant frogs and their annoying frog-spawn, talking dogs, pink-haired, squealing morons, Drippy being a drip and me sleeping). Naruto went all full-frontal ninjaness on me and I was like … oh…
I said "I'm sorry" to Temari and Kankuro, because I felt all bad that they had to put up with me; they just looked at each other. I don't think they've ever heard that word in their lives… I have INCREASED THEIR VOCABULARY!
Long story short: there is more to my life now…
…I just have to work out how to get that "more".
10:08pm
perhaps I'll start by being nice to Kankuro
10:42pm
When I told Temari about my idea of being nice to Kankuro, she said "baby steps, Gaara, baby steps" and ran away laughing.
… somebody needs to give her medicine for her mind… I mean, seriously, they all call me crazy!
Thursday
Very angry…
12:30am
Today, I said to Temari "Our father is dead"
She said "oh, dear"
I said "No, Temari, our father is dead"
She said "He was nice when he wanted to be"
"He called you Trevor."
"… he meant well, okay?"
"He thought Kankuro WAS the puppet!"
6:22pm
Plotting Kankuro's demise (in a non-dead sort of way…)
Kankuro said to me today "You are short; redheaded; wealthy; angry and you have otherworldly powers. Is there anything that separates you from a leprechaun?"
"SHUT YOUR FACE!"
"what? I'm just saying…"
"Well don't!"
"I won't then."
"Well, don't"
"Fine."
"Fine."
I have no brother. I am brother-less.
6:24pm
fantasizing about my eyebrow lord
I found Kankuro again and said "I don't wear green all the time, not like Lee..." And he said "Hahahahahaha"
"and I'm not Irish"
"You could be a foreign leprechaun!"
… yes, Kankuro… of course I can…
6:29pm
Maybe Lee and I could move to Irishland together…
6:30pm
What does Kankuro mean, "hahahahaha"?
Does he mean "haha- Lee is a loser" or "haha- I know he's your eyebrow lord"
They want me to be the what now?
8:59am
Suna needs a new Kazekage…
Wouldn't it be hilarious if I got the job, like, at thirteen?
Hahaha; that would be hilarious.
9:07am
Kankuro just fell down the stairs again…
Good grief! What next?