Okay well I hope you brought your mittens because hell has now officially frozen over. This story was written in part before the second Full Metal Alchemist series came out (which for the record, I really freakin loved), and takes place right after the conqueror of shamballa movie. I wrote part of it and then promptly forgot about it for years. A few months ago I was moving my old files to my new external hard drive and exhumed it from the 'misc writing' folder where it had been waiting in half-finished purgatory.
I read it and was actually kind of surprised by it. Don't get me wrong, it was rough as hell, but there was something about it that I felt deserved a chance to get finished. I swore I was done with fanfics, but apparently there are some loopholes there because a week ago I started working on it And now after a lot of working and reworking, here it is.
Some of this story is old, some is new and ALL OF IT has been edited like crazy. I have several insanely talented friends who read and edit my work but a very special thank you goes out to Stephanie on this one. I was having a really hard time getting Winry and Al right and she stepped up like no one else could and helped me make real people out of talking heads. She wasn't gentle about this (and I think there should be rules about teasing writers as you tear their work to shreds), but this story would... Not... Have... Worked... Without her help so she deserves one hell of a bow for it.
Well enough back story, I hope you enjoy this blast from the past and feel free to let me know what you think.
The Broken circle
By Logan
The alchemist sat on the flat of a sun-warmed stone listening to the insect noise of mid-summer. He watched the child who played alone amidst the yellowing grass. She was only six, but as Ed studied her he saw the makings of both beauty and temper as she labored at creating a small house where dolls might play from sticks and rocks. When the house toppled, she snapped one of the sticks in her hand, glaring at the ruin. His lips pulled into a small smile.
He had been sitting on the stone for hours—alone and unnoticed—first watching the house, then when the child had come, her. His battered duffel lay at his feet and the ghosts of memory hung at his side. He thought of the house where he would be welcomed, of the obsession which kept him away, and of the small golden-haired girl.
And of course, he thought of circles.
The noted physicist, Edward Elric, watched the desert sands of New Mexico as they shifted in the wind and purged all foreign matter from within. It was a transmutation millennia in the making, as stone, wood, bone, metal and anything else left to the elements was chipped away at a microscopic level by each grain of sand. Given time the desert could break anything down. More time would pass. Eventually the sand would solidify into stone and the transmutation would be complete. There was elegance in that; and it was an elegance more moving to him than the distant mesas and cacti he saw as he looked out the window.
Life is a Circle. What is will eventually be broken down into simple materials which are restored to the earth; or if alive, will be funneled through the gate.
The car rolled over a stone and jostled him; Ed's head bounced on his arms drawing his attention away from the scenery. He thought of Germany and almost missed it. America was just too different with one state turning from colossal forests to scorched desert almost in the blink of an eye. There were too many people rushing forward with loud music and loud ideas.
For a great deal of Jews and Jew sympathizers, Germany had become such a dangerous place that you had either the option of running or waiting for their knock on the door. Ed had wanted to stay—to fight—but Noah and her people were already leaving, talking about having a sense for when the winds changed. Al had wanted to go too, so Ed followed them. They went to Italy, where the Romany lingeredthen the brothers set out for America where physicists were in great demand.
Al was as much driving as he was dancing in the seat, the new Perry Como song issuing out of him in half-remembered lyrics and enthusiastic ad-lib. There was a radio, but it was silent for Ed's sake, since news of the war was almost constant now and any talk of Germany sent him deeper into despair. The reports kept pouring in about the latest madness Hitler was embracing. How the Empire of Japan stalked the sea like wolves, devouring anything from the largest frigate to the smallest fishing boat. He didn't want to hear anything more about ships vanishing with full crews or about the concentration camps where people like Fritz Lang or Noah would go to be murdered.
He turned away from the desert and looked ahead at the stretching road where they would finally meet Einstein's daughter Margot and finish this descent into "necessary madness." Ed frowned on general principle. He had never trusted the man, but it seemed their fates were intertwined whether he liked it or not. Einstein was one of the core minds behind the Manhattan Project, and ultimately, the uranium bomb, which they had failed to destroy before it was too late. Now it was definitely a lost cause and all they could hope to do was contain the threat; too many gifted minds had been inspired by the idea.
"So what do you think this Margot woman is like?" Ed asked casually as Al gave Como a break and glanced at him with a thoughtful frown. He wasn't the kid he once was, and looking at his face, Ed felt a pang of regret for the boy he had once been. Today's Alphonse had an athlete's build, was irritatingly tall, and had clear eyes that showed intellect. Ed's little brother was all grown up.
"She's supposedly pretty smart in her own respect," Alphonse said thoughtfully. "I mean, she's actually been helping with the computations." Ed snorted.
"I didn't mean what her IQ was like, Al. I meant: do you think she takes after her old man's looks? Einstein's got the face of a goat chimera and—"
"Brother!" Alphonse exclaimed.
"Oh come on, you were thinking it!" Ed grinned at his exasperating little brother.
"I was not!" he defended hotly, even though he knew he was being baited.
Ed was rewarded as Alphonse snorted: "The hair…"
They fell into silence as a passing sign promised Socorro, New Mexico in seventeen more miles. That was where they would meet Einstein's daughter and prepare for the first test of the new science. Seventeen more miles and four more days until the Trinity Test.
Wriggling serpents of heat squirmed and rippled across the blacktop as the Elrics made their way through the town and to their hotel. The town was relatively small and bore the evidence of the harsh sun all around it as every structure looked a little more worn than it should. Their hotel was a prime example with a faded sign swaying on the hot breeze and sickly shrubbery, which clung precariously to life out front.
Ed stepped from the car and stretched, feeling the pops as vertebra shifted after such a long drive. He rubbed at the connection where his shoulder terminated into automail. He could feel the faint whirring of gears beneath the faux skin as he squinted out at the bleached cornflower blue of the sky.
"Boy this place sure is cheery, I bet they have scorpions the size of cats."
Alphonse was retrieving the bags from the back of the scuffed-up used Chevy they had splurged on back in Seattle. Al smiled to himself as he hefted the two second-hand suitcases and listened to the faint pings and sputters from the engine as it cooled. He was a fool for everything American—from cars to music. Ed walked over and took his suitcase from Al, then hefted it over his shoulder to look up at the building which had needed paint five years ago.
"That jerk Colonel Groves sure splurges for his dogs, doesn't he?"
"You're not a state alchemist anymore brother," Al observed, but didn't argue anything further to the point. Ed sighed and patted the pocket where his watch once sat.
"No matter what I do I'm still a dog of some military. I never thought I'd say it, but I miss Mustang. At least he didn't micro-manage the hell out of everything like Groves. Sometimes I think that bastard would be more at home on the other side of the war."
Al frowned. "I heard he got promoted."
"Who the hell would promote that son of a—"
"He's got a good success record. I think they made him a brigadier general."
"He's still an ass that looks like a potato in a suit," Ed muttered as he stalked towards the hotel where they would be staying. There was no cold flush of air and Ed swore. Of course, a hotel with air conditioning would have been too much to expect on the project's budget. In its place, a bladed fan turned lazily on its track and wobbled almost imperceptibly. It didn't stir the air as much as it fanned the heat.
"I miss Chicago. At least the Manhattan project had some decent digs. You remember the Morrison, Al? Clean sheets and central air…" He sighed longingly as they made their way to the front desk where a squat woman sat on a stool with a corkboard full of keys behind her. She looked up from the magazine she was reading and regarded the two brothers.
"Let me guess… more military scientists. They're getting younger and younger…" she mused. Ed scowled while Al stepped up to the counter and smiled ingratiatingly.
"We're the Elric brothers, I believe there's a reservation, Ma'am." She snorted and plucked a key from the board, then reached into a drawer and handed Alphonse both the room key and a folded white piece of paper. He frowned at it.
"What's this?"
"Apparently you're supposed to meet some woman called Margret at the cantina as soon as you two get in."
"Do you mean Margot?" She shrugged noncommittally.
"Do you always read people's notes?" Ed was ignored as the woman turned and called for a man named Josie from the back. There was a sound of falling papers, a muffled curse, and then a young Hispanic man trotted out glaring.
He spoke something quick in Spanish that didn't seem especially friendly and then glared at the woman.
"My name is Jose. Josie is a girl name." The woman grinned a little to herself and ignored him.
"These two gentlemen will be staying in the presidential suite."
"Que?" he cocked his head at her and she let the joke die tired in the dust.
"Just bring their bags to A9. They have to go do some top-secret things in the cantina now." Jose frowned and took both bags under his arms. He raised one thick ebony eyebrow at the two brothers as if having trouble believing them to be physicists. That or just thinking they looked too young to be at a cantina.
The town wasn't big and even if it were, the cantina was easily found as it was the only building that showed any variant of life. In a few hours it would be dark and in theory the place would be the axis of the whole universe as far as this little town were concerned. The squat little cantina looked unassuming, yet was vibrating with Swing music so rich that it made Ed's eyebrow quirk a little. He listened to the shrill cries of clarinets and trumpets as they sang against the energetic pulse of drums. Ed cast Al a skeptical look and was met with a toothy grin.
"No way they have a band that good in this little dust bowl."
"You never know brother." He grinned as Ed picked up his pace and walked up to the door, then into the cantina. Ed's misgivings were confirmed as a colorful jukebox proved to be the source of the music, not a band. He turned to Al and was just about to speak when a man tripped over him and almost fell.
"Watch where you're going shorty!" It only took Ed a moment to lunge at the man, screaming curses in more languages then he spoke. The man staggered backwards in surprise, then cursing back with less enthusiasm while Alphonse attempted to pull his rabid sibling away.
"Well I guess you're the Elric brothers. I must say, Father didn't exaggerate about you," a distantly familiar voice mused from the bar.
Ed looked up and forgot the man entirely. He was vaguely aware of how Alphonse stiffened.
"Winry?" he breathed.
The Alchemist sat there breathing in the grass-perfumed summer air. It had been seven years since that night and he was amazed by how chemical reactions in the brain could form and maintain so vivid a memory. How is it possible that chains of protein, enzymes, and pulses of electricity could wind together after so much and still summon that music in the same crystalline clarity as he heard it then?
The little girl continued her construction, this time evolving the plan to include burying the sticks a little into the soft earth for better stability. Ed smiled at her reasoning and took a small and undeserved modicum of pride in it. She was smart for her age.
"Only three months this time?"
He started and turned to the tall woman in the grease-stained overalls. "Please tell me it's not because you broke something."
The sight of her still elicited a pang inside his stomach as blood drained away from those organs into his limbs should this surprise require a fight-or-flight response. It was as primitive and scientific as any human reaction, but the butterflies still danced at the sight of her in a way that left science wanting.
She was lean and beautiful with creamy skin and slightly paler ribbons of scar tissue around her arms, knuckles, and one particular cleft which adorned her chin. Very few automail mechanics were unblemished by years spent stringing a tight latticework of wires through the joints and assemblies of automail limbs. It didn't make her less appealing to him just as his own metal appendages didn't take any fire away from her on those glorious moments when they could lay together in pleasure and companionship.
"Nope, everything is still working fine." He chuckled dryly.
"You sound surprised." She smiled, pulling the crimson bandana from her head and wiping at her brow.
"Not with you close enough to hear…" He trailed off into a soft chuckle. She walked over to him and sat at his side.
Winry leaned over and flicked his ring with her fingernail. It made a metallic clink. Ed was grateful that it was his right arm which was automail. Had it been his left, she would have soldered the wedding band into place.
"At least you haven't broken this yet."
"You made it out of a titanium alloy Winry. Short of transmuting it, I couldn't break it if my life depended on it." She smirked with skepticism and ran a finger across the plain ring of metal which matched her own.
"I'm the best mechanic alive for nothing more than the fact that you can break anything, and I've had to adapt. It's not something I would bet against."
They watched their child for a time in silence.
"You missed her birthday," she said quietly. He had remembered, but the rumor he had been following was already growing cold. He had hoped there would be time to make it back, but it hadn't worked out.
"I gave her a doll and said it was from you." Ed looked away.
"You know why, Winry," he said soberly. "I couldn't just leave him there like that."
"I know, Ed."
"Did she have a good time at the party, lots of her friends came?" he asked without taking his eyes away from his daughter's small and determined form.
"Yeah," she said, smiling faintly. "Yeah, she had a good time."
"Good. That's…" His voice trailed off awkwardly. "…good."
Their relationship had only recently been marked with silences. Since they had been children their dynamic was more about arguments, about two strong-willed people who were passionate about everything and usually on opposite ends of the topic. Ed had seen some silences which were companionable where two people were just content to be around each other. He could live with that, but lately when he and Winry weren't talking, it was because there were too many things they were afraid to say aloud.
"Edward," she whispered, placing her hand on his knee. She looked at him intently, though he didn't meet her eye. "She will understand someday."
He thought of his own father and how he had hated the man and wondered what his own child would grow to feel about him.
"No she won't," he frowned. "Kids don't understand things like that."
She studied his hunched form; the tightness in his jaw and the tension in his neck. His eyes were hard and far away. "And they don't grow up to understand it either."
Winry slipped an arm around him and pulled his head to the crook of her neck. She was as good a mother as she had been a sister. Part of him wanted to weep.
"Why did you come back so soon Ed?" she asked, unsure if she even wanted the answer. "I thought you were going to follow up on that rumor about the gate?" He slipped his arms around her and breathed in the smell of her hair and sweat. The sweetness of this life was a chain of guilt around his neck. As he drew his lips against her throat to kiss her, he thought miserably of Alphonse.
It had been two days and Ed knew that Einstein's daughter was not Winry, yet he began each new conversation as if she might become the automail mechanic from the other world. He wanted her to be Winry so badly and each time she fell short, he found himself resenting her for it. She had the same face and the same voice, but she was not the person Ed needed her to be.
"There's no excuse for this Margot, there just isn't. Atomic power isn't going to be the light of a new era; it's a bomb—a weapon! Weapons don't bring peace; they just bring death!" He slurred a little and looked contemptuously at the small shot glass of tequila and the bottle that the three of them had been sharing over the hours. There were other scientists here, but even amidst the perpetual bickering, quarreling and sullen animosity, the three were a universe to themselves in the cantina.
"You're wrong Edward," she replied hotly. "It's a tool that will end this war quickly and in our favor, then bring about a new age of cheap and limitless energy." Her blond hair shrouded the thick black frames she wore on her precise features. Years spent reading equations had weakened her eyes to the point of needing glasses. Even Ed couldn't bring himself to think that they detracted from her beauty. She was Winry's double and the clear complexion and cascading golden hair said a lot to him.
"It's not some evil monster we're unleashing on the world. God Edward, you're supposed to be a scientist! You sound like some Neanderthal grunting about how scary fire is," she sneered with sleepy, drunk eyes.
"That's not the same thing!" He took a slug to the stomach as he tipped back the shot of amber liquor, cursing as it scoured his throat.
"Tell me this!" She waved her arms at him. "Why are you working on a project that you're convinced will destroy the world?"
"Because!" He slammed down his shot glass. "If I leave things to idiots who believe that this new technology will change the nature of the world for the better on its own graces, they're going to get too relaxed and blow themselves to pieces!
"I hate this, but I respect it for what it is!"
Margot seethed at him, her sapphire eyes cut down to knives of glittering blue ice. She turned to Alphonse who was watching the argument but keeping clear of it.
"What do you think Al?" She took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Is this whole project going to ruin the world, bring down hell on earth, and turn us all into demons like your brother thinks? " Ed swore at her. "Or are you less superstitious then that?"
Alphonse startled at suddenly being the center of their attention. He glanced between the simmering pair and although he knew it was hopeless either way, he spoke as carefully as he could.
"I… I believe that we can end this war with nuclear power, and that if we don't get it working first the other side will," he stammered. "I do think that we need to show a lot of respect for it though?" He looked apologetically to Ed who was glaring at him.
"Traitor," he grumbled, pouring another shot for himself.
"Thank you Al." Margot grinned satisfactorily, turning her attention to Ed again. "It's good to see that at least one of you two isn't going to burn me at the stake for witchcraft." She smirked.
Ed was already opening his mouth with a snide comeback when Al suddenly stood up. The wooden stool scraped loudly against the terracotta tiled floor and nearly toppled over in his haste. "You know, I think it would be best if we took a break from this conversation."
They both gaped at him. "Do you like to dance?" Al blurted out, suddenly taking Margot's hand. She blinked at him incredulously.
He smiled shyly and she was barely able to get her glasses back on before she was pulled away from the table by the blushing young man. Ed watched in stunned silence as Al pulled her over to the jukebox and fed it a nickel.
Doris Day's sentimental Journey fell away and was replaced by the familiar lyrics of Como—Ed was really beginning to hate the man. Al started to dance and Margot hesitantly swayed in time with him, casting nervous glances around the room. Ed glared as Alphonse gradually coaxed her along. She slowly responded with greater enthusiasm as the music poured into the room like nerve gas.
The two were dancing, with arms swinging and legs kicking in time to the trumpet which accompanied Como's voice. They were laughing as they spun around the cantina's dance floor earning quizzical looks and sly grins from some of the other personnel who were preparing for the Trinity Test.
Soon she was laughing and smiling in earnest and Ed felt sudden white-hot outrage over the fact that it was a familiar smile.
It was Winry's smile.
Ed scowled, slugged back a shot, and then got up to leave without looking back.
When the bartender called after him, he jerked his thumb back towards the two dancers who would be paying the tab.
The night air outside the cantina was warm as the earth gave back the heat it had been storing up during the long hours of baking sun. In a black mood, Ed kicked stones as he walked down the street. He didn't go to the hotel, instead he walked to the makeshift lab where scientists in other departments went over the last minute checks on the bomb. The equations behind it were finished, but Ed intended to go through them all one last time before the first test.
Presenting ID to the stationed guards, he was allowed in and found a place at a work station where he began to read through the long and confusing strings of equations.
He hated this. Hated the idea that there was nothing he could do to stop its momentum now be it by theft, murder or sabotage. But although he hated it, he respected it too much to allow it to go wrong through an oversight which would cost lives.
Ed muttered to himself as he did the long math in his head, still seething over the latest argument with Margot. Why was everyone so optimistic about this? Japan was on the ropes and Germany was beginning to falter. The whole damn world was united against them! There was hope of ending it all without resorting to this, yet no one who knew about the atomic bomb spared a thought about what it meant. He rubbed at his temples and set to work on the equation which would prefect death on a scale beyond all measure.
Hours later, Ed forced himself up the stairs to the room he and Alphonse shared one heavy footstep after the next. His eyes ached from the efforts he had made on the equations which proved correct every time he ran through them. As much as it pained him, the bomb would work.
He needed to apologize for earlier to Alphonse and even Margot; though the thought of her still made his teeth grind together. Why did someone so beautiful have to be such a pig-headed idiot?
He thought of Winry and all the things he wished he had time to say to her. He had spent so many years searching for the Philosopher's Stone, given up so much for Alphonse and his dream. He had gotten half of it in the end, and though he would do it all again for his brother, the missed opportunities still ached inside his chest.
Ed slid his room key into the lock and stepped into the dark hotel room.
"Hey Al, look I'm sorr—" The words died in his mouth as he stared at Margot Einstein's nakedness against his brother's. They were panting and murmuring with groans and whimpers as their naked bodies moved against one another in slow sex.
Ed staggered backwards muttering quick apologies and all but slamming the door behind him. As he went, he caught a glimpse of Margot's pink nipple and Alphonse's horrified eyes. His weariness was obliterated and he had no trouble getting back down the stairs and out into the now cold night. He wanted to run. He wanted to weep. He wanted to transmute his body into a liquid. He did none of those things, just walked away with steady and robotic strides.
That was not Winry.
It was Margot: a mathematician with stupid ideas and who was too full of herself to be a good scientist.
Alphonse was not having sex with Winry. He was having sex with Einstein's daughter, Margot.
It was Margot.
But when he thought of the two of them pushing into one another, naked and sweating under the rotating propellers of the overhead fan, it was Winry he saw and not Margot.
Ed was sitting at the same work station, trying to make sense of the same equations he had been earlier when Alphonse found him.
"Brother?" Al said softly.
"I guess you found me, huh?" Ed clutched the pencil tightly in his hand.
There had never been awkwardness between them, but as Al shifted from foot to foot and Ed found that it took effort to look his brother in the face.
"Heh, sorry for that Al, I forgot to knock," he laughed humorlessly. "I didn't scare her off, right?"
"Brother, I…" he stammered. "It—It just kind of happened." Al looked away from his brother's eyes and Ed was ashamed at how grateful he was when he did.
He sighed. "Look Al, it's none of my business who you go to bed with. If you like..." He hesitated, his mouth going dry. "…Margot, then by all means go for it."
Ed knew he should have stopped there, but he couldn't help himself from adding: "I'm happy for you."
At this, Alphonse looked up. "Happy?" he took a step towards Ed, closing the gap between them. "You're happy?"
Al was uncomfortably close, and the tension between them was palpable. He squeezed his hand into a white-knuckled fist reflexively.
"You can say a lot of things, brother," Alphonse continued through gritted teeth. "But you can't sit there and tell me that you're happy for me."
"It's true." Ed's voice trembled as he struggled to keep his anger from bleeding out into his words. "I'm fine with—"
Alphonse slammed his fist on the table, startling him, and sending pencils rolling over the edge. "Don't lie to me brother!"
All Ed wanted was to be left alone, to let his mind drift away into the surcease of the complex equations and not think about Margot and Winry, about how wrong this world was. He relaxed his fists and pressing his palms into the table, rising from the chair.
Al looked at him expectantly, but Ed looked away from him; he began gathering his papers and shifting them to the corner of the desk. When he looked up he saw Al's glaring at him. "God—Just let it go, Alphonse," he sighed. Then, he turned to walk away.
"Hey!" Al seized his shoulder and didn't let him go. "I'm not going to—"
Something snapped inside Ed and he spun around, shoving Alphonse off. He stumbled backwards.
"Fine!" he snapped. "You want the truth Al? I'm not happy. I hate that everyone is so excited about this new bomb. I hate that girl for being so damn smug and looking so damn much like Winry!"
He bowed his head and slammed his fists on the table, scattering the papers he had stacked. "I'm sick of this place, Al—I hate it!" The intensity of his anger was startling, even to him. "And I hate—"
"Me, right?" Alphonse yelled, storming forward and punching Ed. He didn't really intend to do it, so it wasn't as hard or as precise as he could manage; though when his fist connected with Ed's cheek it sent him stumbling backwards. Ed's feet tangled in the legs of the chair and he fell backwards and swore.
"You hate me too, brother, don't you?" Al said angrily, watching his brother struggle to sit up.
Ed didn't answer him, but just looked away. "It's alright; I understand," Al said finally, his eyes blurring with tears. "Cause there's times when I feel—"
Ed jerked his head up to look at him. "Yes," Ed whispered, his arms hanging limply around his knees. "You're right. Sometimes, I hate you."
Alphonse staggered as if struck. He leaned heavily on the table, his knuckles throbbing.
"But not as much as I hate this world," Ed continued, not taking his eyes off of his brother. "I can't. We don't belong here, Al."
Al crouched down in front of Ed and stabbed a finger into his chest. "You—You were the one who said that this was our world now, and that we had to live in it, and—"His mouth opened and closed like a dying fish as he struggled with the words.
Al was sputtering in an attempt to stay angry because he found anger was easier to accept than truth. "And you're a hypocrite! Now you say that you can't be a part of it? That you can't accept it? Even after all you—"
The heat of Ed's anger ebbed as he watched the tears stream down his brother's cheeks. Ed cut him off in a soft voice. "You're right, Al. I am a hypocrite. I can't fit here even when I try. Nothing's right here."
Even Ed didn't recognize his own voice. There was something wrong about it. "This isn't my world and I can't do anything about it. Margot isn't the person she should be. Everything's wrong, Alphonse and I'm so tired of trying."
Neither of them looked each other in the eye. "I understand," Al said quietly.
Edward looked at him seeing the lost look in his eyes. They were both lost in these unfamiliar roles. "But, I love this world, brother," he said finally, his voice breaking. "And I want to live in it."
Ed hesitated before he finally climbed to his feet; for the first time he felt the bleakness he had always mocked in others. He was a scientist, but science was a cold comfort; he could almost understand why men sought gods instead of formula and why for some faith trumped facts. But he had no gods to believe in.
And as he looked at Alphonse, crouched on the floor hurt and abandoned, he saw how far his brother had drifted into a world which he could never truly belong to.
For the first time in his life, he was alone.
When Alphonse finally climbed to his feet, Ed turned and left without another word for his brother.
Alphonse let him go.
Ed had looked so lost that the fight and its implications—both things which normally would have hurt Al deeply—felt… inconsequential.
When Margot had turned out to be Winry's doppelganger, Al had hoped that she would be the key to his brother accepting this world. She hadn't been and one lapse in judgment had sabotaged Al's last hope of keeping Ed in this life. His brother had always seemed so strong before, yet as he watched him shuffle away, directionless, Alphonse accepted the truth he had been resisting for a while now.
Ed really didn't belong here.
"You know I promised myself when I was a kid that I would never be jealous of Alphonse," Winry said. She made a point not to look her husband in the eye. She had never told him this before because some of it he knew, and some of it would only hurt him. "I've always known that he would be first with you."
The hot summer breeze blew gently on her face and she smiled. "But that was okay, because I loved Al too and I loved you enough to be second."
She was aware of how rigidly he was sitting as he watched Nina building her house of twigs. The air was cool and sweet and heavy between them. Ed opened his mouth to speak. He would tell her comforting lies which would fool no one. She pushed forward before he could.
"You know, it was easier before when all I had to do to fix you was build a new arm and leg," she said quietly. "But I tried, Ed."
She looked down at her hands, considering the scuffed metal that encircled her finger. "I married you, and then I had Nina and I really thought that would fix it.
"I thought that we could be enough to…" She struggled with the words. "…balance him? Your brother was gone, but you had a wife and a daughter."
She looked out over the field to the house, their house. "I thought that would be enough, but…" She hesitated in an attempt to muffle the hurt in her voice. "…it wasn't."
Not able to meet her eyes, Ed stared outward into the golden sunlight as it streamed downward through gaps in the canopy of trees. Beyond the trees and hills, past the railway station and tracks, a world was going on in perfect indifference to this handful of moments which would remain with him for the rest of his life.
"When you and Al were both together on the other side, I didn't think I'd ever see you again," she began. "Then, when you showed up…" Her voice trailed off and he stole a glance at her.
She looked at him suddenly with a pained expression; her voice catching in her throat. "God— I was happy," she whispered sharply. "I was happy, even though Al was still over there."
She looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes when she said this. "I know that's wrong, but I was." Subtle emotions tugged at her face and she fought each back, trying to keep her expression neutral.
Ed wanted to tell her that he understood and couldn't blame her, and that he was sorry for putting her through this for so long. But every word and expression he could think of felt completely inadequate. He turned away and watched his daughter as she played.
"You were so broken were when you came back," she said. "It was worse than after you tried to bring your mom back." She closed her eyes against the memory.
"So when you started looking for a way to open the gate again I didn't want to say anything," she said. Her trembling hands clenched into fists.
"But now I have to Ed," she said, a tiny bit of steel slipping into her voice. "This just isn't fair anymore."
She looked at him. He was looking at his feet then and she mistook his shame for indifference.
"God—You have a daughter, Ed," she said desperately. "You've had one for six years. And I can't lie to her anymore."
She looked out, over the field, to their daughter and took some strength from the sight of her. "I can't keep telling her you'll come back when I know, if things work out, you won't be."
She bit her lip, and took his hand in her own. "I can accept being second, Ed," she said. "But Nina deserves to be first."
Her voice broke and for a moment Ed imagined those words coming from his mother. He and his father had abandoned their families for different reasons. Neither did so maliciously, but Ed was stunned by the parallels. For as much as he hated Hoenheim, it had been so damn easy to turn into him.
"Winry," he said her name in a hollow whisper. "The reason I came back early was because it did work out this time."
He felt her eyes widen with the implications, he met her eyes. "I found a way back through the gate."
In seven hours, the atomic weapon which had been codenamed 'The Gadget' would be raised to the top of a 100-foot steel tower and dropped into a facsimile of a town which had ghoulishly been populated by smiling mannequins. It was not something a scientist would do, but it was something a person would. Ed's clearance was high enough that the guards had let him through the checkpoints and into the ghost town which would soon be erased from the face of the earth, mannequins and all.
Ed listened to the distant sounds of trucks and soldiers and wished that it was only the desert he could hear. Overhead, the sky flickered with heat lightning and he wondered if weather would postpone the test and if nuclear power would save the world or end it.
And he wondered if he would ever be able to look at Alphonse the same way again.
All the activity was taking place on and around the launch tower, which gleamed under spotlights. Margot was there, working to ensure a bright and shining nuclear age for all mankind. They hadn't spoken since he walked in on her and Al; Ed couldn't bring himself to care.
"Brother." Alphonse materialized from between two brightly painted houses and hesitated. Ed looked over at him and raised his hand in a small emotionless gesture.
"I thought I was the only one touring ground zero." He kicked over one of the smiling mannequins and watched as its fedora rolled across the asphalt and came to rest in a gutter. Al didn't say anything, just fell into step beside him as he walked down the street, pausing occasionally so Ed could perform some small act of vandalism.
"Does knocking them over help?" Al finally asked, looking at a smiling family of three which Ed had upended into a flower garden.
"No," he said, soberly, bending down to pick up a rock. "It doesn't."
Alphonse eyed him as Ed tossed the rock and caught it, feeling its weight. "Brother, I was looking for you," he ventured hesitantly.
He scoffed. "Well, you found me," he said, before hurling the rock through a window. He smiled a little at the sound of shattering glass.
Alphonse swallowed as he watched Ed pick up another rock. "I wanted to tell you that I found something in one of the houses."
Alphonse waited for the sound of shattering glass, but it didn't come. "It's strange— there are markings in one of the houses." Ed looked at him then and Al was relieved to see that at least his curiosity was still intact.
Ed dropped the rock to the ground. "Okay, show me."
Alphonse led his brother between two houses to the next street which was identical to the last. This particular stretch of houses was shielded from the heavy flood lights and lay in near darkness. Alphonse guided Ed up the picturesque walk by moonlight and then paused at the threshold which was curtained in deeper shadow.
"There. Inside. Do you see them?" He stepped aside so that Ed could peer into the gloom. He took a step forward and Al slipped his hand into his jacket pocket.
"It's too dark to see anyth—" Years without fighting had left Ed's reflexes slow. It was almost too easy.
Alchemy was deeply rooted in chemistry. Alphonse had no trouble mixing a small vial of chloroform. Once the soaked cloth had been pressed against his face, Ed had gasped in the noxious fumes and slipped into unconsciousness without even putting up a fight. Alphonse had caught only the briefest flash of panic before he crumpled and was relieved that it had happened so quickly that he hadn't seen the look of betrayal which would have followed.
"I'm so sorry, brother," Alphonse whispered into the desert night. He dragged Ed through the threshold and down the stairs to the basement which he had prepared the night before.
Edward Elric woke gradually and then once he was awake enough to manage it, vomited. The smell of burnt almonds was thick in his sinuses and the taste of his own sick coated his mouth. Spitting, Ed didn't know whether to curse or weep that his brother had drugged him. In a way it was nice to know that he could feel passionate enough to care one way or another now that he was alone in a world where nuclear bombs were about to be—
"Alphonse!"
There was no reply.
Panic swept through Ed as he tried to stand, only to discover that his ankles and arms had been bound. He was inside the basement of the house Alphonse had led him to and didn't know how long he had been unconscious. No one would know he was here except Al, and he had been the one to do this.
Ed felt his head spinning with what was either a lingering ghost of the chloroform or with the terror of knowing that he was about to be the first victim of the atomic age he had railed against. Windowless, the basement offered no clue as to what time of night it was and thus how long he had until The Gadget exploded.
A panicked mind was a useless one and Ed needed his. He forced himself to still his breathing and begin looking around. The basement was dark, but Ed's eyes were adjusting enough to begin making out details. There was something painted on the ground around him and Ed was almost able to smell drying paint over the lingering miasma of burnt almonds and vomit.
There was a little better than an inch of slack on the ropes binding his wrists which did not allow him to do much, but was enough for him to push himself into a better position to see what Alphonse had painted on the floor.
When he could see it, his breath caught in his throat and any thought of the bomb became secondary.
Edward Elric was sitting in the center of the most intricate transmutation circle he had ever seen.
Looking up, he saw a second circle on the ceiling, confining the intended effects to a cylindrical space about seven feet high by fifteen feet in diameter.
The glyphs were all familiar to him and he began squinting through the darkness, deciphering their purpose. It became apparent quickly that Alphonse was better at manipulating energy than Ed had ever been. It made sense since Al's alchemical specialty was linked to binding souls which was, at its core, a very intricate and specific management of energy. The lower circle was all about funneling a tremendous external force and directing it upward into the second circle which was harder to understand.
Ed slumped onto his back for a better look and heard a crumpling sound of paper from his pants pocket. Reaching in, he found a letter which had not been there before.
With shaking hands, Ed turned the letter over, immediately recognizing his brother's precise handwriting. With effort, he was able to get the letter out of the envelope and make out the note in the darkness.
In the distance a Klaxon shrilled.
Brother,
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you and I wish we had time to talk before you go home, but you'd just try to stop me and I know this is right. You deserve to be happy in Amestris with everyone. I know you'd stay here to be with me and I'm so grateful that we had so much time together, but I know I belong here and that you belong there.
Don't be scared. I've been working on a way to open the gate so that a living body can pass through for a long time now and I've found the solution. There is a lot to the formula, but in the end it's all about energy. The gate is meant to let souls pass through, but with a high enough energy yield and the right focus, the explosion will force the gate open enough to send you through.
Brother, be happy there and don't try to come back for me. It's equivalent exchange, you gave me a life here and so I'll give you one –
In a brilliant flash of light, The Gadget, the product of the brightest and most foolish minds of a generation, lived up to everyone's expectations.
Edward Elric was a man of science.
The language which he spoke most fluently was one of formula where variables were isolated, then solved and eloquence existed only in the simplicity of their solution. Words were not his preferred medium and it was when they mattered most that he had the most trouble with them.
Looking at Winry, recognizing the emotions which warred within her; he wished he had the words to make her understand that they were feeling the same thing. Waves of relief crashed against a shoreline of grief and happiness was pushed down by guilt because both knew that their happiness was a selfish thing, though neither could deny it completely.
Ed told her about the group of alchemists he had found in the east. It was all still in the theoretical stage, but they had invited Ed to look over their notes about the gate. Ed had studied their theories and knew without a doubt that he could make them work. They could force the gate open again and he could return to Alphonse. He could apologize for the fight and make things right between them. He could stare out car windows while his brother listened to Como and things would eventually be as they had been between them.
"I miss Al so much, Winry. I thought I would give anything for a chance to apologize for the fight, for wasting our last days together, but…" His voice trailed off into a whisper. "I couldn't do it."
"Ed—" Winry was crying, though she wasn't sure if the tears were of sorrow or relief. For seven years she had dreaded the moment he found a way through the gate and now that he had, he had left it alone. Even now, with him here beside her, she had a hard time believing that it was over. They sat together for a long while without speaking and years of dread began to lift away from her shoulders.
"I understand why my father left us, but I can't forgive him for it. It must have killed him to have his kids hate him like that but he still left us anyway," he said, distantly.
"I saw those notes and I thought of Nina growing to hate me and I couldn't go through with it." He ran his hand through his hair, shielding his bloodshot eyes behind his straw-like bangs.
"So I just packed my suitcase and came home." He looked down at his automail hand which rested limply on his knee. "I didn't want to leave again."
Red-faced and with a tightening knot in his throat, Ed marveled at the human body, how it functioned even when it was so deeply—so fundamentally—damaged.
The words left him in a sob: "I abandoned him, Winry."
She shook her head. "No," she whispered, a sad and broken smile crept across her face. "You didn't." She closed her arms around him like she had when he first came back. Though he was broken again, Ed had chosen them. It could be a clean break this time, with a real chance of healing. He pressed his face into her hair and wept for his brother as he clung to her.
She pulled him closer and he felt more real to her at that moment than he had felt in a long time. "You didn't abandon him, Ed," she murmured into his coat. "You just let him live a life of his own."
Later that evening, Winry ran wires through an assembly manifold and surreptitiously watched her husband and daughter as they dozed on the carpet. Even in sleep, Nina's small pink hand gripped his automail bicep like a tiny anchor. Half asleep himself, Ed moved his fingers through her hair tenderly as though he were memorizing the texture of each blonde strand. Winry looked at the two people she loved the most and thought wistfully of the third who was far away.
Though she was not an alchemist, Winry often thought of circles as she worked—perfect, with no beginning and no end. She thought of fathers who abandoned their children with good intentions and of brothers who sacrificed for each other out of loyalty. She thought of women who waited and men who came home in pieces and all the other beautiful and cruel repetitions of life.
And for the first time, with a new hope for the future, Winry Elric allowed herself to believe in broken circles.