Fai tipped Kurogane's mouth to meet his. He could feel the crimson eyes staring at his closed ones, and he leaned into Kurogane even more, hesitating even while biting softly with his vampire fangs at the rough lips on his.
He already knew that he would be rejected. He had already prepared himself for the blow.
"Oy," Kurogane growled, pushing Fai back--five inches, he supposed. It was better than his calculations. He had spent so many times dreaming of this that he clearly had pictured at least a foot or to the wall.
Five inches? Promising.
"Oy!" Kurogane shook him slightly--gently, Fai thought. Much too gentle. This wasn't going like his dreams at all. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Well, I'm not sure. Mommies and Daddies do tend to kiss and make up a lot, right?" He supposed an innocent look would do for now.
He knew he would be pushed away after that.
It was the only thing that had gone according to his dream.
The rice paper sliding door slammed shut with Kurogane's exit, and once he was sure that he was gone, Fai flopped back down to his seat, blankly looking out the window to the beautiful landscape.
The hurt was a dull throb against his ribcage, not nearly as unbearable as Ashura's betrayal.
Fai supposed that it wasn't an outright refusal.
He needed one. To kill this hope, he needed one. The knowledge that Kurogane would refuse him sooner or later was no good. This strangled want for love to finally end this loneliness was too much, too soon.
Not when he'd just lost Ashura forever.
He laughed quietly to himself, unconsciously making sure it wasn't bitter sounding or loud. Anyone could look in at any time.
There had also been that same hope with Ashura, the little tiny spark against his knowledge.
Maybe Ashura-ou wouldn't be insane when he awoke. Maybe his Majesty would come back and welcome him with a smile. Maybe…
Maybe he'd be forgiven for not fulfilling his promise.
You see, he said to himself bitterly, you're the fool. It never did happen. And now, this won't happen either.
And, in that same haunting voice of Yuui of so long ago, he said inwardly, Because by living, you bring unhappiness to others. If you're unhappy, then everyone else is happy.
"Oy."
Fai jumped. He hadn't heard anyone enter the room. That was dangerous.
Nevertheless, he turned to Kurogane and smiled, eyes curving up into his well-practiced grin that felt so broken ever since Tokyo, and then moreso since Celes. "Did Daddy want to kiss Mommy and make it all better?"
He wanted Kurogane out. When he felt so lonely--no, it wasn't loneliness. It was fragility. He couldn't afford to let himself get these hopes high again.
Not when Kurogane had come back.
The snort of derision from the warrior caused Fai to tilt his head to the side.
"As if that'd make it better."
Did that mean…? "Ne, does that mean if it does, you would kiss Mommy?" Fai felt the hope blaze and then crunched it under his mask. He couldn't let this get out of hand. Last time it did… Fai crushed those thoughts too. They would break the mask that he had so meticulously made over all of these years.
But he still asked the question anyway, a split second decision that he knew he shouldn't have made as soon as he said it: "Does that mean that Daddy wants to make it all better?" Do you care?
He prayed that Kurogane would say no. He could go on having this unrequited love for as long as he could. It would die out. It would, and even if it grew bigger, and maybe if someday he made the mistake of giving all of himself, at least it wouldn't be now.
"Cut it out with the questions, mage. What do you want?"
Fai let his smile drop to one more sadistic, lowering his head so that Kurogane wouldn't see. He had answered the question with a question.
What do you want?
Fai let his fingers curl into fists.
He wanted his brother back.
He wanted Ashura-ou, the first one who had taken him, accepted him, loved him, to come back.
He wanted…
"I want--"
He wouldn't let himself say it.
"--nothing, Daddy. Mommy's got all she wants!" He had his smile back on, and poked Kurogane in a childish way for good measure.
The warrior would go away now. He would leave in a frustrated huff.
But he didn't. Kurogane grabbed his hand and pulled him forward. "Fai. Answer me."
He couldn't hide at such proximity. He couldn't hide. He couldn't hide. Kurogane could clearly see the surprise on his face, clearly see everything on his face for that split second that he let himself go.
And Kurogane wouldn't miss it.
All of this because he had used his name.
He tried to smile back, but those eyes already knew. He fought against that thought of giving up. He couldn't give up. He couldn't let himself get what he wanted because he was supposed to be sad.
The thought broke him, and he looked down as much as he could, hiding as much as he could.
Alone.
He was alone again. Even if this man tugged and pulled at him, he was alone. He would always be alone after his brother, his twin.
Alone. Alone.
To die in that tower alone, how did Fai feel? How did he die with the fact that he would never see him again? How could he have died and left him alone?
He didn't feel Kurogane let him go. He didn't feel his own trembling.
And Ashura? He had loved his Majesty. For him to have plotted for Fai to kill him, the only person that had been kind to him, the only person that had really understood him back then was too harsh for him to bear.
And Ashura had died alone in that world. What did it feel like, to die alone?
Why was it that everyone he loved died alone?
Fai saw the feet right next to his own, and looked up to Kurogane's face. He had memorized it by then, and to see those red eyes staring so disturbed into his own one eye, he wondered what expression he had shown on his face.
He reached up and touched Kurogane's lips.
They were rough, chapped and warm.
He didn't want Kurogane to die alone.
…But would it be all right for Fate to accept that he would die with Kurogane?
And then Fai knew what he wanted.
He cupped Kurogane's face, the movement seeming to take hours while containing lifetimes, and pushed himself up to kiss him.
He felt a flood of emotion. Not necessarily happiness, but euphoria was close.
It didn't matter if he was rejected.
It didn't matter if this was unforgivable.
It didn't matter if he was being selfish.
None of it mattered.
All his wish was--something the Dimension Witch could never grant him--was that he would die with Kurogane.
The kiss wasn't sentimental.
It was a promise.
It was enough.
A/N: I can continue this if I get enough support. :) Tell me if I should. Thank you.