A very smart man once said "Shit happens." And I completely agree with him…now that I'm trapped in a freaking alternate universe filled to the brim with talking ponies.
[End of Prologue]
When I wake up I automatically feel a sharp pain in my ribs.
"Oh shit, that hurts." I said aloud between some violent coughs. "Where the hell am I?" I ask myself while picking myself up off the ground.
"Some sort of forest? How cliché, now which way is out?" I start hobbling onto a trail in great pain. I start coughing again.
"Damn, if I don't get…" I suddenly got lightheaded and the world spun. "I need to find someone or I'm done for." I keep hobbling along. I come to a row of bushes and push my way through into a clearing.
"Hello?" I call out loudly. "Anybody here?" I try to block out the blinding sun with my hand.
"Huh? Anypony there? Ah don't take too kindly to trespassin' ponies." Says a female voice with a distinct southern accent, kind of like mine.
Wait, did she just say 'anypony'? That's a little weird.
"Hello, is someone." I start to say before my knees buckle and I fall straight on my face, I lose vision and just black out.
I don't know how much later it was that I woke up but when I did, I managed to choke out a groan before my voice went out.
'Just fucking fantastic' I think to myself.
"Uh, Twi, ah think he's 'wake" the southern voice says. I manage to find my voice after a few violent coughs.
"Any ya'll got some water?" I say trying to sit up but am not able to due to the pain in my chest.
"Whoa there, settle down fella, I'll get ya some water." Says the southern voice again.
When she comes back, I notice for the first time that the voice belongs to a small orange horse.
"Holy hell…what kind of black-magic fuckery is this?" I say sliding off the table and standing to my full height of 6'2".
"Settle down or I'll get Twi' to do it for ya." She threatens while setting the water down on the now cleared table. Just then I see a purple unicorn walk through the doorway.
"Like hell two little horses can do anything to me." I say trying to show any pain.
"We're not horses, we are ponies, thank you very much." Says Captain Smartass unicorn.
"Well whatever the hell you are, stay the fuck away from me" I say backing into a corner.
"Don't ya worry, we aint goin' ta hurt ya." Says the orange hic pony, (I might be southern but she sounds like a hillbilly).
"I know that, but I might hurt you two, that's what I'm worried about." I tell them while I settle against the wall.
"Here, just take this." The purple unicorn says while levitating the glass towards me.
'Okay, where the fuck am I?' I ask myself while taking a swig of water, it tastes funny. "What the heck is wrong with this water?" I ask spitting out some of the liquid.
"Nothing!" She shot back. "I mean, it might just be the taste of the pump." She added.
Alright, that's a little weird. "Okay…" I quickly drink the rest of the water, trying to avoid the taste. Just then I hear a snap and my entire chest lights up in pain. Then my leg does the same.
"Oh God!" I yell while grabbing my chest, trying to hold myself together. A range of snaps emanate from my body, overloading my senses. Before I can make another sound another snap hits and I feel like I've been shell shocked. I can't hear anything and my vision is blurred. Everything began to fade out and I dropped.
My hearing was the first thing to come back.
"Oh my…is he…alright?" I heard a posh voice ask.
"He'll be fine, he just had all his injuries healed, even some from a long time ago." I heard the purple pony say.
"Was it painful? If you don't mind me asking." I hear another voice ask.
"Yes, unfortunately that's the down side, most of his injuries never did heal right, so the sell rebroke them and fixed them." The purple pony said again. I try to move but I can't.
"Pffff…he's still too big to do what I can do" says a tomboyish voice. I try to move again and find that everything seems to be in order. I decide now's a good time to get up.
"You'll be surprised." I say while picking myself up, a series of loud pops come from my joints as I shake out the stiffness. "I can do a lot of things."
I'm greeted by a collective gasp.
"What?" I ask them.
"You're…you're awake? You shouldn't be up for hours!" The purple unicorn exclaims.
"So? Now I want some answers as to why the hell I'm here." I stand up to my full height.
"Whoa, you might wanna sit back down bub." Says a cyan colored pony with wings and a rainbow mane.
"Or what? I'm free to do what I want." I tell her.
"Um, not really" She snaps back. "If you don't mind us saying." Purple pony interjects.
"I don't mind at all, but do you mind me saying that I can do whatever the fuck I like? Legally of course.." I say starting to get annoyed at these ponies, thinking that they own me.
"Sorry, but can you please sit down? I would like to ask you a few questions." The purple pony asked. I nodded and sat down against the low table. It seems that at least one pony wasn't being so controlling.
What seemed like an hour of random questions later I decided I was wrong, I wanted to drive Twilight; she mentioned her name, through a wall. She came back to some questions that seemed like should've been asked first.
"…so finally, what's you name, height, weight, and age?" She asked while scribbling with her quill.
"My name is Tristan Royce Glenn, I'm round six feet and two inches tall, 210 pounds, and twenty-three years old." I say, I quickly pat down my pockets, hoping I had a can on me. I reach into my jeans pocket and pull out a tin and read across the top. Copenhagen Southern Blend, Long Cut. 'Aww hell yes' I thought to myself giving it a quick pack and peeling back the top.
"Ummm, Tristan, what is that?" Twilight asks.
"This right here is the only thing that will keep me sane, it's called dip, or long cut tobacco to be more exact." I say picking out a small chunk and putting it in my mouth.
"Hey Twi, isn't tobacco illegal?" Asks the Rainbow Dash.
"Why yes it is, such a nasty plant." Rarity added.
"Yes, like Rarity said, Tristan do you mind handing that over?" Twilight asked. I looked at her like she just tried to steal all my money.
"Hell no, this stays with me." I tell her putting the tin in my pocket.
"I'm sorry Tristan but please give it to me, or I will have to…" I cut her off by holding up my finger telling her to wait. I lean over a trashcan and spit a nice wad out, holding the tobacco in.
"Like I said, no fucking way. It's mine." I tell her.
"Well you have forced my hoof. Spike! Contact Celestia and tell her to send the Royal Guards immediately!" She yells across the room
So be it…