Author's Disclaimer: I do NOT OWN the 100…if I did then this season would've turned out a lot differently. All of you know what episode I'm talking about! *Points at every single one of you* Anyways! Game of Thrones is my all-time favorite show! Of course the mother of dragons I LOVE! Then one day I was thinking…Sky People, flying…Clarke, blonde hair…Daenerys…blonde hair, dragons fly. BOOM! The 100 and Game of Thrones came together lol! I know! Don't you all love how my brain works? Anyways please! Enjoy!
Decent to Madness/Salvation
Three days I stood here. Three days I barely ate or drank anything. The sounds of Camp Jaha bustled around me as they went through their daily life here on Earth. I just stood here by the electric fence, paying no mind to everyone around me. I couldn't anyways even if I wanted to. Ever since we got back from the Mountain…since I've killed an entire population, I didn't have the power in me to work around the camp, to keep myself busy, I felt like I didn't deserve the right to. Every time I looked away from the fence and saw someone's face, other faces replaced the one I was seeing.
The faces of children, men and women. The ones I've brutally murdered. The first time it happened I couldn't contain the contents in my stomach. Their eyes blood red and dripping down their cheeks, moaning out my name in pain. 'You did this to us! Clarke!'
My mind was so haunted by what I've done that the demons followed me even in my sleep. I couldn't tell what was worst, seeing them on the faces of my friends, or seeing them in my dreams and trying to grab at me.
"Clarke…" I sighed as my shoulders sagged even more after hearing Bellamy's voice.
"Yes?" He tried to help me, even offering me forgiveness.
"Come on it's time to eat, come sit with us."
"I'm not hungry."
"Clarke come on stop being ridiculous, you haven't eaten normally for the past couple of days. If I need to force feed you I will, or I can go get your mom."
"I'll eat later, I'm not all that hungry right now."
Bellamy didn't say anything for a while. I sighed realizing he won't leave until he had his way. That was Bellamy though, that's what kept me together during the tough of times when we were first sent down here. Of course he was an asshole at originally, fighting me at every decision. With that I slowly turned around and walked towards the Ark with my head down, hoping that my hair would keep my vision covered enough to not see the others faces.
"You know I pulled the lever with you, my hands are covered in just as much blood as yours." I wanted it to be quiet between us to have peace before I went inside the Ark. Bellamy though still tried for small talk. Even though it wasn't the kind of talk I wanted. For once I wanted to talk about positive things, not about survival or about getting resources. For once…I just want to be a teenager. That decision though was ripped from me when I stepped out of the dropship.
"You didn't tell the others to do so though, didn't command them and even processed the thought of flooding the entire floor with radiation." I stopped knowing I'm in the front entrance of the Ark. Bellamy's overused boots came into my vision as he slowly pushed the button to open the entrance. When the door opened cold air seeped through my clothes and made me shiver.
This didn't feel like home anymore which was ironic. I fought with every ounce in my body to get everyone back home, back to the Ark. I even desperately wanted to be back here, hoping to see my room filled with books upon books of either drawings or stories. These walls used to be my sanctuary...now though it just feels like a prison. Every time I step foot in this Ark, the cold just makes me feel even more empty on the inside, the walls closing in on me that made the rooms feel smaller and smaller.
"I might have not thought the same idea as you…but I still wanted the Mountain Men dead for what they did to our people. They weren't going to let us go, no amount of talking was going to stop them."
"Yes Bell…I see your point but that still doesn't give me the right to have killed the innocent that wanted no part in the war, that denied the treatments….Maya…" I closed my eyes tightly. She helped us to get in, to help Bellamy. She and Jasper fell in love, the very few Mountain men that desperately wanted only peace. "I killed her…I made her suffer when all she deserved was to be happy alongside Jasper. I took away his first love, I'm surprised he hasn't come after me yet." I felt my stomach tighten at seeing her face…red and blistered, her eyes staring up towards the ceiling…lifeless.
"Jasper…I won't lie, he isn't doing so well. All he has been doing on his free time is drinking, if he isn't out patrolling he is in the diner till he passes out." A choked sob escaped through my throat at the thought of my friend suffering because of me.
"I'm just gonna get my food and leave…I don't want to sit and chat."
"Clarke-"
"No Bellamy…please…I know you mean well but…I need time and so does Jasper, I don't even know how the others feel about what I've done since I've been in my own world for the past couple of days."
"They don't think badly of you Clarke, I don't think badly of you. I saw you fight your hardest to try and get us to safety, to make sure that none of us died. I saw you sacrifice so much; your own sanity, innocence, well-being…" He trailed off as his voice wavered slightly. I know he was lying when there was hesitation in his voice. When he would shuffle on his feet and rub the back of his neck in nervousness.
"I'll get my food, I'll eat…but I'm not going to talk to anybody." With that I continued walking into the cold. This was probably the first time since we got back from the battle that I've been inside the Ark. I couldn't help that my eyes started to wander. There was vast improvements added to adjust the Ark to its new and ever changing environment.
Added panels were against the walls to protect them from the upcoming winter, tents were set up around the free space that was left and finally the added new farms for us to grow our own food for the first time…it's not much given that so far the people are all moving rubble and lifting the soil but it's a start. I sighed when I noticed that the few people around the halls started to shuffle away from me.
This was another thing that started happening. The very first night when everyone got back they started to act around me differently. I first noticed when I went to sit down by a campfire, it was freezing and the simple jacket I had on wasn't helping to keep the cold out. Shivering and my teeth chattering I staggered towards the closest fire. The only thing on my mind was trying to get my fingers warm, they were starting to sting and I couldn't take it anymore just walking towards the heat source seemed like an hour long trek through the forest. It also didn't help my situation with the wind smacking me and making my nose wet and my face feel numb.
Finally though I sat down on the only empty seat left on the log. I briefly noticed the adults around me because my main goal was to get warmth back into my body. I stuck my hands as close as they can get to the flames without burning my skin off, my breathing was quick and labored from practically running to this spot. Once I started feeling my fingers and face again I took a deep relieved sigh and looked around.
Those eyes…I couldn't believe those eyes were staring at me. The adults held this certain edge too them, a hardness that used to be directed at the Grounders and before we knew they existed, before we were on the ground they were directed at the 100 prisoners. Now though…not only was the hardness there but there was also the fear. They were scared of me! Me of all people! I Clarke Griffin…the one who sacrificed so much to get them to safety and have peace. As I looked around my environment they were trying to get as far away from me as they possibly could without being noticed by me, especially the two men I sat by. They weren't overly huge…I say average, more than likely muscle from trying to lift the soil from the ground. They could both easily take me down if they wanted too. Instead they were at the very edges of the log, one cheek hanging off.
I looked down between my knees trying to hold back the hurt I felt. How could they be afraid of me? Just a couple of days ago they were looking towards me for answers, for hope to get them out of the situation that we were thrust upon. They were looking to me as if I was the Chancellor now…I wasn't though…I was only the link between the Grounders and Skaikru in having peace. I was the white flag for them to happily wave around.
That's when I heard the whispers. At first it just seemed like they resumed whatever they were discussing before I came but if I focused I heard what they were talking about. They weren't as quiet as they thought.
"Did you see what she did in Mount Weather?"
"Yeah I was there to take the bodies out…it still gives me nightmares."
"She didn't even save the children."
"Maybe she's always wanted to do that…maybe deep down she's like a Grounder…a savage."
"Dr. Griffins daughter!? No…that would kill her knowing her daughter is nothing more than a murderer."
"Well she was a part of the prisoners…maybe they all are like this…"
"How though? They are just kids?"
"Kids that had to do God knows what to survive down here before we came. Maybe killing came easy to them now."
"Jesus…so they are monsters."
"We should lock them away like we did on the Ark. Keep them behind bars a key."
"We should tell the Chancellor."
Since that day more and more people started to avoid me, some giving me dirty looks and others just downright shoving me if possible. The ones who did were the parents who lost their children, the first to die down here under my leadership. They saw me and thought that I was the reason their children weren't here with them today…maybe they are right…if I hadn't have taken charge, maybe; just maybe their kids will be with them now. Maybe we wouldn't have been taken by the mountain men and we would still be at the dropship. All this what ifs though isn't helping anybody…especially me. What's done is done.
When I made it to the cafeteria or eating area Bellamy pointed to where the others were. "See…everyone's eating together…come sit with us." Raven was hunched over rubbing her injured leg, her face held that same defiant look but there was a hint of sadness in it. More than likely from missing Finn.
Next to her right was Octavia…she wore her Grounder gear and face paint on, her hard steely look was directed at the food in front of her. It was untouched. Murphy was then besides her…he was fiddling with a broken radio, he didn't seem too interested in the piece. My heart clenched at seeing him. I ordered him to let me be able to flood the floor with radiation…to be able to pull the lever and kill everyone. I shouldn't have forced his hand in it.
I looked back at Bellamy. "Where are the others?"
"More than likely on patrol or still healing." I nodded going in the opposite direction and picking up a tray.
"They will be happy to know that you're eating again. Raven has been worried sick about your health. She even said once, 'If Griffin manages to be lighter than me I'll pound her face in with food!'" Bellamy chuckled as he picked up a potato and other various vegetables.
I couldn't respond only picking up what I knew I would be able to munch down slowly. A small thin slice of deer meat, carrots and a potato. Again I noticed everyone was veering away from me, even in the line. The cafeteria was set up with the table being in the middle and the food all along the four walls. We will be able to pick and choose what we wish to eat from the bins holding the contents.
The people ahead of me were rushing to get their items and quickly heading to the farthest table available. I sighed grabbing a beaten up fork and knife.
"Don't pay any attention to them Clarke…they don't understand what we had to go through. What we've seen."
"I appreciate your concern Bell…I could handle myself on what others think of me." I was about to face him, to tell him that I was going outside to eat. That was about the moment though…that the demons started up again. I was doing so well too…but no…Bellamys' face was covered in blisters and his eyes red with blood.
I gasped taking a step back and immediately looked down towards my boots. I could feel all of the dead surrounding me, rationally I know they aren't literally around me but I could feel their presence...their souls…haunted by what I've done. I couldn't look up fearing I would see the innocents I've killed. Seeing Bellamy look so much like Maya. Why now? Why here of all places!? I felt them closing in around me…I couldn't breath as I felt them start to suffocate me.
"Clarke?"
I shook my head, my knuckles turning white from gripping the tray so hard. I couldn't answer Bell, I couldn't look up at him to see that mangled familiar face I've killed.
"I-I can't be here…" I gasped out turning around about to storm out of the room. It became too small…the walls felt like they were going to enclose around me like a cage. Trapped forever.
Suddenly the tray wasn't in my hands anymore, a loud clang rang throughout the room as my food and tray hit the ground. I blinked looking at my empty hands and then the boots in front of my own.
"Jasper! What the hell man!" Bellamy's boots came up next to mine. My whole body seized as I now knew who was in front of me.
"What's going on!?" Raven…I closed my eyes as everyone was now focusing on us. I heard shuffling to my right and turn my eyes to see every one of my friends that was at the table standing.
"Jasper calm down…" Monty moved forward a bit towards his best friend.
"How can I be calm? When the murderer of my love is standing in front of me? The killer of the mountain?"
"Jasper shut up!?" I flinched as the truth finally came out from Jasper. He was right…I was-am a murderer. Closing my eyes I took deep breaths to calm my beating heart. Flashes of the dead rang throughout my head. The commotion from outside continued to get louder and louder but I stayed rooted too my spot. Unable to focus on anything but this feeling, the feeling of being backed against a corner and not having any power to fight back. More feet came into my vision but these were black shadows. Instead of facing Jasper they were facing me.
"Why are you defending her!? She's a murderer! She's killed hundreds and yet you're standing by her side acting like nothing has happened!" My eyes watered even more when little black feet started to appear.
"Jasper your drunk….go and get some sleep."
"You shut up Monty! In my eyes you're just as guilty as Clarke! You knew Maya! Yet you stabbed her in the back!"
"Ok that's enough everyone calm down!" Octavia suddenly came between all of us and pushed some of us away from each other.
"All of you are defending her as if she's the innocent one!"
I couldn't take it anymore, everyone was defending me and here I was just standing like a fool. I clenched my teeth as the tears finally fell down my cheeks.
"All of us aren't innocent Jasper!" Silence fell the room as my voice carried throughout the ark. "You think I wanted to kill Maya! To kill Dante and Cage!? All those innocent children!?" My eyes finally looked up towards him, pained filled eyes meeting my own along with the hundreds of shadows with blood red eyes running down their faces. "You think I wanted to become the leader! To make the choices?! You think I wanted my own mother to send me down here to my death? To be the test subject for the adults to find out if Earth is habitable or not? Tell me what I should've done! Tell me what I could've done to save every one of our people that was being strapped to the tables and having their bone marrow taken out of them! While at the same time saving everyone in the mountain! Which one would you have chosen? The people you grew up with? The people who you knew your entire life? Or the people in the mountain? The ones that wanted to kill us for their own needs and wants? " My eyes narrowed in anger, panting from my voice being overly used at a high pitch. The shadows moved past Jasper, some even going through him, of course I was the only one to see them. My demons. They reached out towards me barely grazing my body with their fingertips.
Silence fell the room as Jasper glared at me with the greatest anger I have ever seen in him. His eyes were watery and he smelled of pure alcohol. I looked around seeing Monty starring at his best friend helplessly, Raven looking at me with those damn knowing eyes of hers, Octavia looked like she didn't give a damn and finally Bellamy was staring at me in pure shock.
"I'm done here….I knew I shouldn't have stayed…" My voice died out on the last couple of words and I shoved Jasper aside when he didn't let me through the first time. Without looking back I also knew those damn demons followed.
"Abby…" Marcus stepped into the council room, his hands behind his back. They were just in here about two hours ago, discussing the need to gather supplies and to handle the wounded. Abby placed the glass tablet down on the table looking up at Marcus. "There's been an incident concerning Clarke. Jasper finally confronted her today."
"Was she hurt?"
"No don't worry…" Abby started to limp over towards the door but Marcus stepped in front of her, placing a solid hand on her shoulder. "Clarke is fine no one harmed her."
"Well what happened?"
"Jasper just lost his temper when Clarke came into the dining hall to get some food. He was obviously drinking and…"
"So words were traded not blows?"
"Yes but Clarke said some things to Jasper….that had me thinking."
"What has she said?" Abby pulled up a chair to relieve the ache in her thigh. It throbbed all day and left no relief…she knew it would be a good 2-3 weeks before the pain went away and she was able to work normally. Marcus let Abby get herself situated before telling her what was voiced by Clarke. He knew that what Clarke said would hurt Abby much more than a drill ever would.
I don't know for how long I cried, how long I stayed curled up into a ball in the corner of my room. Seeing Jasper today and all of my friends just sent the demons into a frenzy…they couldn't wait to show me how much they were in pain from my actions. Showing the blood in their eyes, the blisters. My stomach lurched as I dry heaved smelling the burnt flesh in the air. I haven't eaten at all today but it felt like there was this base in my stomach wanting to be let out.
Feeling like I was on fire I quickly shred my jacket off angrily and threw it towards the other side of my room. When I first came to this camp I was surprised to find that my room that I grew up in actually was still intact…minus the books and drawings of course but the room itself looked like nothing happened. If I stayed in here long enough I could truly believe for a second that I was still in space and that any minute now my father would come through the door with a smile on his face.
I cried as the jacket slammed against the wall farthest from the door. When my forehead was just about to meet my knees I heard a loud clank hit the floor. A jacket doesn't make a loud noise, a thud yes, but not as if the thing was made out of metal itself. Curiosity got the better of me and I looked up now seeing a hole as to where the panel used to be. My jacket must've pushed it loose.
Throughout the entirety of my life I have never seen that panel come off before. Slowly I stood up and wiped my tears away. Maybe it was just an old panel coming off…or maybe it finally needed that little push to break...rolling my eyes I slowly bent down since it was close to my chest.
'A safe? Why did we have a safe?' The metal was a darker grey than the surrounding walls around the Ark. Instead of the usual thumb print styles for security this one was old fashion. The knob was a faded red with the numbers in white ranging from 0 to 60.
Sadly the knob broke and the door was partially open. Possibly from its decent down from space. The crash must've broken it. "Must be one of dad's old tricks. He was sometimes a bit paranoid." It was dark inside so I grabbed the nearest flashlight and held it up in place. The light slowly gave way to how big it actually was. Widening my eyes in surprise I stuck my whole arm inside and grabbed the first thing my fingertips brushed up against, slowly pulling it out.
"A box?" It was made from cherry wood, with intricate tribal designs that I saw in some books I've read. The designs were a lighter color of wood…surrounding the edges with sharp points and smooth circles. In the middle of the lid was that of a creature, it seemed so familiar, like I've seen it before but couldn't fully place where. The box itself was big, as long as my forearm and six inches deep.
"Clarke are you in here?" Mothers' voice rang from the door and I quickly put everything back where it was. Something was telling me to keep this hidden. Even from my own mother. Coming back to reality was a bitch, I sighed once everything looked normal.
"Yeah mom come in."
"Hey sweetheart. How are you?"
Slowly sinking into the bed I looked up at my mother. Before we came down to earth, her hair was more controlled, skin always clean and it never failed that she would always smell of vanilla. Now though the hardships of this year are taking a toll on her. Hair was frazzled, no matter how many times she brushed it, her once flawless skin was marked by the earth with dirt, dried by the sun. It made me start wondering how I looked…was I marked and changed by the earth. Of course I was…what silly question is that?
"I'm fine…just tired."
"Clarke I birthed you…I know when something is up." I knew my mother wasn't going to stop questioning me, she always did this. "So please tell me what is bothering you?"
"I'd rather not talk about it…"
"Clarke…eventually I will figure out whatever is going on…so it's better if you just tell me now."
Back on the Ark my mother was on the Council, she would guide and give her opinions to Jaha, to help him with difficult decisions. When I was younger I would always go to my mother for advice. Eventually though my glamor for her faded when I started to see the weight of her decisions affected everybody. Especially when it came down to my father…and me.
"Just like how you've found out about father?" She stiffened. "How you ratted him out to Jaha and he was executed?" I laughed mockingly and leaned back against the wall. The anger came from nowhere but alas it flared throughout my body like gasoline being ignited.
"Clarke we will not discuss this again…I told you I did what I thought was right…so did your father." She sighed as her shoulders sagged. The weight of her decisions and responsibilities now showing the affect it's having on her. "I can by to tell you some grave news….I tried to fight them…to reason with them…we lost so much already."
My eyes narrowed as my mother looked up at me with saddened eyes. "What do you mean?"
"The council and I have been talking in secret these past couple of days….about our survival, the possible outcome of an attack, and…the survivors of the 100."
"Why are you talking about this too me? If it's a secret council meeting then keep it a secret…I'm not a leader anymore…you made sure of that." I spat out turning to look away from her.
"Clarke the reason I am talking to you about this is because you were a leader to the group of children down here…you saved them from countless deaths….the council doesn't see it this way…they see you as a child still, I see you as my little girl still."
"Just tell me whatever you're going to tell me." Annoyance filtered in through my voice and my mothers' eyes got sadder.
"For the remaining hundred….they are going to hold trials…."
"T-Trails? What for?! Jaha told us we would be liberated from our crimes! Why would we need trials still?" My body rang with anger as I stiffly stood up. "Don't they see that we've been through enough? That we've seen our friends die! That we had to handle situations that were meant for the adults! You sent us down here!"
"Clarke calm down I know how unfair this is to all of you, Kane and I fought against the other members but we couldn't be heard with what our people were telling us."
"What do you mean?"
"The people anonymously gave us reports about being weary of the children we sent down here. They feel unsafe around all of you."
"Unsafe?! When we did most of the work to get them safely down here!"
"Clarke please…" Mother raised her hands. "Kane and I tried our hardest to point out all these things to the Council. They still wish to hold the trials. That is the reason why they are even taking place, they were actually considering just tossing all of you in the sky boxes again….your trail is coming up first…because you were their leader." I gasped and collapsed onto the bed. No matter how much I fought here on the ground to find peace….no matter how many times I talked, argued, reasoned with anyone. I always ended up having to fight more….or sacrifice myself more. I was tired…physically…emotionally and mentally…I can't even stand anymore. I stared at the ground between my feet blankly. How much more do I need to give in order for me to have one day…one day…of complete peace.
"The people Clark…they are scared of all of you…."
"I've heard them...what about you? Are you afraid of your own daughter?" I looked up my own blue eyes matching her auburn ones. They widened for a split second.
"Clarke I could never be afraid of you…"
"But…."
"But, I do question some things that you have done. I do question if I have the same daughter, if you are my Clarke and not someone imitating her."
My thoughts whirled at that. How can she say that I'm not her daughter? She raised me, didn't she say that herself?
"I only came over to tell you that your trial will be coming soon, we will tell each of the remaining hundred in the next Ark meeting. That will be in 1 week. Afterwards your trial will come two days prior." She knelt down in front of me grabbing my knees in her hands. "I will do everything I can to make your trial end swiftly…and have a judgment that is not as cruel as the others."
"No."
"Clarke you're my daughter and the only one I have left to care for. Please just listen to me for once."
"The last time I did that….father got killed." I stood up roughly making her stumble back up into a standing position. "I will receive whatever punishment is given to me but know this…we…do not deserve this after all we have done for all of you." Before she can say anything else back I stormed out of my room. Heading to the only spot I knew no one would bother me.
"Damnit…w-why did I just leave like that without my fucking jacket!" My teeth clattered violently against each other as my hands where shoved underneath my arms, my thin tank top offering no protection from the cold. Winter was coming. We are not prepared for it. I'm not prepared for it.
When we were up in space, we were surrounded by the cold. The blackness of space provided no comfort of heat, there were times when the power unit would go down. Along with it the heat it provided. When I was little…I'd say 7…I was walking down the hall to my parents room after school. That was when the power outage ran throughout the Ark. The walk from school to my place was a good 30 mins. Everyone around me ran to find blankets, extra clothing, anything to give relief from this cold.
By the time I made it back no one was home. I expected that much. Mother was a doctor and more than likely her Infirmary was held up by patients who had the starting effects of hyperthermia. Father was more than likely working on a way to fix the Arks generators to get power back online. That night I have never felt colder than ever…I took all the blankets that were in our shared rooms, wrapped myself in them as tight as I could. Even then...for the next 3 hours I couldn't feel anything but the numbness and the cold. Once my body found the spot where it was deemed comfortable enough I stayed rooted. The blankets offered little protection from spaces' freezing temperatures. I was scared though that if I moved the air would leak in and suck any heat that I was able to keep onto. My eyes never left the window, waiting for the moment when Earth would come into view. It was my favorite hour. At 7 o'clock Earths beautiful waters would block up the entire window, its clouds covering some of its vastness. The green lands…oh how I wished to feel, smell and see all the wonders Earth had to offer. That was my last thought before I succumb to space instead…not the warmth of Earth.
My father eventually came home and immediately helped me, placing me next to the vents and himself. He told me once that if he wouldn't have rushed home as quickly as he did when he realized I wasn't with mom, I could've lost all my fingers and toes…or worse.
This cold…has nothing against the vast blackness. Up there…there was no promise of heat. Down here though…I know the sun will come up eventually and give me the heat I so desire. As I trek through the open lands from the Arks and the gates I saw my spot has already been taken. I sighed seeing none other than Octavia standing there. Her back was too me along with her sword that was strapped across her back. Her leather jacket shined in the moonlight, dark blue jeans streak with grass stains and mud. The same went for her smilitary styled boots.
I stopped about 10 feet from her. I couldn't decide where else to go. Mother was more than likely still in my room, Octavia was in my only safe spot free from others. There was nowhere else I can go. I sighed and began to turn around and find another empty place, if I could find one.
"What do you do when you're standing here?" Octavia's voice halted my movements. "Do you just stare out into the trees? Do you take into detail each tree every day until you've memorized each and every bark pattern?" I turned around noticing that her head was tilted to the side. The Blake siblings each have similar black hair, hers reached the middle of her shoulder blades with the traditional Grounder hair style. Braids woven into her temple and outwards, towards the back of her head.
I stayed silent not knowing if she truly wanted an answer from me or was only voicing her thoughts. After a few minutes I responded back when she didn't give any indication that she was going to continue her questions. "I just…think deeply upon my actions…rethink what could've happen if I done something differently." I rubbed my arms, still keeping them crossed. "Or just…remember the past."
"What actions do you regret the most? Wished you would've changed?"
"I think you should ask what actions I don't regret…that would be a much shorter list." My breaths came out as white plumes of smoke from the beginnings of winter weather. "I learned…when it comes to being a leader there is much to consider. But one key point for all leaders stay the same. Protect your people…at all costs."
"There is something else most leaders don't consider as well." Octavia turned around. Her eyes guarded heavily not giving any emotion. "You all are so worried about protecting the people…you forget that those very same actions hurt them. Makes them doubt their own leader. If I were you I would regret one very big action."
"If this whole conversation is about Mount-"
"It's not about that damn mountain….in my eyes you brought justice to hundreds of innocents who bleed out, brought justice to generations of family members who lost loved ones in that damn rock. No…I'm talking about Ton DC." Octavia's eyes suddenly flashed in anger. "You knew from Bell that the missile was coming, where its target was. You raced down here like the Devils gate was coming after you. Then you and the great Commander walked into that tent and never came out." The whole time she talked her feet propelled her towards me. "You left us there to die. You didn't even warn your own mother, me! Your friend! You just left." She scoffed now standing a foot away from me her eyes clearly showing their hatred towards me.
I wanted to retort back…to deny that I wanted to stay and get everyone out of there. To lead everyone to safety. I couldn't though…because I didn't do that. My choices are in the past…I can't undo them. No matter how hard I wished to do so. I killed all those people in the village…I hurt my own people. It was to insure their own safety though, if the Mountain Men knew we were running from a missile…they would know we had a spy amongst them. Bellamy was our spy.
Octavia is hurting still from my choice. She needed to know why I did it, why I just left. "Octavia…"
"Don't you dare say that it was for our benefit…don't you dare say that you had no other choice!"
"I'm not gonna try and ask for your forgiveness, that I know I must earn back from you. All I can say is…I've made my choice, yes, there are times where…I rethink on my actions…wished many times if I can lower the death count. That's a fools dream though. In this life, you have one chance to live, that also means one chance to make your decisions. Once it's been done…no one can undo the past."
She didn't say anything, just kept staring at me with those hated eyes of hers. "All I can say now is, I'm sorry. I did it to protect your brother. To give a future to our people. Yes, like you said…my actions also hurt the people I try so hard to protect from any harm. If I would've gave any warning…then the people in the mountain would've known right then and there that your brother was spying for us." I took a deep breath to calm my beating heart. The air around us changed, the darkness of the night started to take shape. "No matter how hard I try…I can't protect everyone. I protected as much people as I could…saved as much as I could. That's all I can do. If you still hate me, then ok. I won't beg for your forgiveness, won't force you to understand all my choices. Just give you my story and hope you'll see…what I had to do. Just like I would need to at the trials." I whispered that last sentence out but because I was so close to Octavia she heard it clearly.
I nodded as my own anger started to show when her eyes turned dubiously towards me. "The great council has decided we…the prisoners on the Ark. Must stand trial for our actions back on space or down here…I do not know."
There was silence, complete and utter silence from Octavia. Suddenly, "They can't keep dictating us! Like we are some pawns on a chest board!" I flinched at how loud her voice seemed compared to the quietness of the night. Her face red hot with fury while her hands tried to find something to grasped onto. A neck perhaps? "They can't float us down here! So what are they gonna do huh? Hang us? Shot us? Lock us up again?" She shoved me, hard. I blinked in shock when I stumbled back a few steps. 'Why push me?'
"I don't know…my own mother told me that I would be first because I led all of you." I looked down at my worn boots and sighed. "Whatever they decide for me…I'm just gonna agree."
"So that's it then huh? You don't care about us anymore? You've done your part and now you're done?"
"Octavia-"
"No! Shut up and listen to me Clarke! I hate you for some of the choices you've made…I hate you for leaving us behind at Ton DC. You think the Commander thought, 'Fuck it! I think I'll not lead my people for today.' No!"
"Don't you dare talk to me about the Commander, Octavia! I know who she is! She left me at that god damn mountain without as much as a goodbye-" I felt it then, my face showing its astonishment at what Octavia was trying to get at. Her trying to get me to know the pain she is feeling.
Her arms were crossed now as she smirked angrily towards me. "Exactly, all that anger you're feeling towards the Commander. Is the same anger I feel towards you, hell Jasper is probably even angrier than I am! I don't blame him though." With a final scoff my way she shoved past me. "Have fun brooding under the stars! You're good at that."
The cold suddenly came back making me shiver as I cried to myself. Wrapping my arms around my body as I looked up seeing them again. "Please leave me alone. I had enough today." But my prayers won't be answered that night. They were only a foot away from me, every time I moved they took steps back to give me that space.
I once again took my spot by the fence, not caring about my welfare anymore or the cold. I decided right then and there to allow whatever was going to come at me. Whatever the Council members decided I wouldn't fight them.
My eyes returned to the forest. The bright lights scanned the perimeter illuminating the shadows to reveal whatever they hid. Staring blankly at the trees my mind began to wander again. To the possibilities of these trials. Where would they lead? Would we be locked up again? Forced to be in chains? Or banished?
Octavia was right though…I'm no leader. My people hate or fear me, possibly both. My own mother doesn't know who I am anymore and even my friends have given up on me. It's only been three days, imagine by the end of the week. What would Jasper do? If he continues to see me? What would my mother do if she continues to see me here? Octavia already told me she hates my guts. Bellamy…even though he is trying his hardest not to let it get to him…is scared of me. Monty and Raven are the only possible two who could still be my friends. Still…two out of how many people?
I couldn't stay here. This realization alone hit me hard. I knew in the beginning I couldn't stay but I did…why? I couldn't survive out there on my own. Do I even deserve to survive? Do I deserve to be here anymore? No…my people gave me that answer.
So I'll leave…first thing in the morning. Still though I couldn't leave knowing that the trials are going to take place for my friends. They've done nothing wrong except follow my orders. I blinked as a small flutter hit my stomach and for the first time since I've stepped foot out of the dropship I smiled.
"Octavia…maybe I can be a leader one more time…and do the right thing for everybody this time and not leave with missile over your heads." I looked up at the stars, tears rushing down my cheeks as a shooting star flew across the sky.
Flashback
'Daddy look! A falling star!' I gripped my father's hair on top of his head looking out the window into the vast space.
'Make a wish sweetheart!'
'I wish I could have a pet!'
'A pet!' My father laughed. He had those types of laughs that you couldn't help but smile or join him. 'Well what kind do you want?'
'Mmm! A horsy! No a dog!' He continued to laugh and slowly placed me on the ground.
'Daddy will make sure to get you both.'
'Really!?' He nodded his blue eyes twinkling with love towards me and ruffled my hair. 'Daddy! Stop!'
'You're my Little Dove!'
'What's a dove daddy?'
'It's a type of bird sweetheart. They are all white and very beautiful and pure. They fly high in the sky with great speed!' He suddenly picked me up and started to make noises as if air was swooshing by us. I laughed and raised my arms up in the air as he flew me around the hallways, people stopped and smiled towards us.
'That's my new wish daddy!' I said when he stopped and placed me on the ground in front of our room.
'What's that Little Dove?'
'I want to fly!'
'Oh you want to fly? With the big fluffy clouds and other flying animals?'
'Yeah! Eagles, the big ones! Oh! Cranes!' I continued to list off as many birds as I can before my dad placed his hands on my shoulders and leaned in close towards me.
'Do you know about the secret animals that fly? The most fastest and strongest of them?'
'Professor Pike told us all of them though daddy…there's more!?'
He nodded and looked around playfully to make sure no one was listening and looked at me dead in the eyes. 'There's Griffons! Phoenix's, Pegasus and finally daddies' favorite!'
'What is it?!' He smiled widely and tapped my forehead.
End Flashback
'Dragons!' I smiled looking back down from the sky and to the woods as fathers voice rang through my head. He always kept me smiling, no matter if I had a bad day. He was always there for me and would give me his shoulder to cry on. If he were still here…he would most likely say, 'Little Dove you tried your hardest and that's all I can ask for. You did your best.'
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I looked down at his watch. The one he gave me before they floated him out to space. He always wore it, every day. After almost 200 years it's still ticking. He would always look at it every hour then look around the room with a big smile on his face when his eyes landed on me.
After that day we would always play Princess and the Dragon. Hence why everyone calls me Princess now. Father would always call it out from the crowd to try and find me. 'Princess! The big dragon is going to find you!'
Dragon…dragon?
"Dragon!" I spun around now remembering why the animal on the wooden box looked so familiar. It was a dragon! I ran back to the Ark hoping to find any semblance of my father in that box. Hoping to find some form of peace in this cruel world because right now, father is the only one who I knew wouldn't turn his back on me. If this wooden box would help keep my demons away…would help me be sane then I know my father will always be with me through that box.
Authors Note:
OMG! I know! After years of being under a rock! BOOM! Another story lol. Don't worry I haven't given up on my other two story's. It's just I've lost my muse for Alice/Bella but don't worry! I'll get back to those very soon! In the meantime please enjoy this new story that's been cooking up inside my head! Please leave a review and give me feedback! LOVE YOU ALL!