October 18th,2015

A/N:

Hello my pretties! It is I, Rain! I'm back again and this time hopefully for good! After being away from writing for so long, I finally sat down with a pen and notebook and started writing once again. This new story I came up with is kinda odd, if I do say so myself. For the last week I have been listening to nothing to really sad songs, I don't know why I just have, and this was the end product. So it has a bunch of different things from each of them.

Though I do wonder if anyone can name a few of them - there are a few hints in each of the chapters. I will eventually post on my profile the songs used. I also recommend that you have a box of tissues to use, because I had to have one to write this.

Also! For those of you are wondering about my other two stories, 'Who Said' and 'Memories', I am currently in the process of re-working them and I hope that they will be finished soon! Keep an eye out on my profile page for more info on them.

Summary: Seventeen years after Last Sacrifice and Lissa is crowned Queen, Dimitri was killed one day. Follow Rose as she tries to come to terms with it - as she grieves.

And without further ado, the story...

Chapter One - My Immortal

Before coming out the restaurant, I grabbed Dimitri and gave him a kiss. I didn't want to go outside; I had a bad feeling that something was going to happen. Something that I didn't want to or like was going to happen.

"I love you, Dimitri, so much." I whispered to him, and leaning my forehead against his, our hand locked together, I looked into his eyes as if this was going to be the last time. I wanted to memorize every detail. I could see the love in his eyes, the devotion. The smile that made my heart stopping smile of his that all those years ago I had done anything to see. I couldn't believe that even after all these years that he was mine – and that he put up with me as well.

"I love you, too, Roza," he said just as quite with a kiss to prove it; both of us relishing in the other presence.

We parted as we left the restaurant with the others, it was then that things went south – and fast. The sun had just set and I had seen a lot of movement out of the corner of my eye, I did the first that came to mind; I said thing that came to mind.

"Buria," looking to my left, eyes focused on where I had seen the movement. Letting go of Dimitri's hand, I whipped out my stakes from the side holsters where I kept them; crouching into a protective stance in front of Lissa. Dimitri was right by my side mimicking it front of Christian, their children and our son Aleksandr. "Get the Dragomirs and Ivashkovs to the car, now! That includes you, too, Alec!"

"But, mom, I can help–" He started to argue.

"Not now, Alec! You don't know what you are facing, now is not the time for misplaced heroics! In the current time frame you would be more of a burden then an asset!" I shouted at him; squashing any argument from him. "Please, Alec, I can't lose you."

I watched as they slowly came out of the woods – deathly pale with an inhuman grace, eyes were ringed with red. And if I had still been Shadow Kissed, I would feel the nausea.

"Come on, your Majesties!" I heard of the members of the Royal Guard say as they ushered Lissa, Christian and the children to the vehicle.

"Rose!" I heard my name called.

"Go with him, Liss, I need to know you are safe. Please, Your Majesty." I told her formally, letting her know that there was no room for argument.

Soon after the fight started, punches and kicks were thrown, from the corner of my eye I saw flames flow around as Christian and Abe used their magic defying my orders, and Strigoi started to pile up on the pavement; soon it was over. Or so we thought.

Turning to face Dimitri, we shared a look; a sad smile on his face. He had always said that he hated his job. Not for the fact that we are basically throwing away our lives for others who didn't appreciate our sacrifice; because there were those who did. No, he was meant to protect others, to defend the weak. But for the killing – there was not honor in it, that it was just senseless killing. That it was still taking a life, something that he regretted and loathed to do.

He once told me that the reason that he went to church on Sundays was so that he could ask for God's forgiveness; and to bring him peace. Our hands were so stained with blood that we could never wash them clean.

It was in that split second that my world changed for the worst. It happened in what felt like slow motion. A Strigoi that we had missed appeared behind him, grabbing his head and moved. I heard the sickening snap echo throughout the parking lot, watched as the light faded from his eyes.

I froze for a split second, as what had just happened registered. It was Spokane all over again, but this time it was the love of my life that it happened to.

"Dimitri!" I screeched, as I took off toward him. I watched as the Strigoi tossed him aside as if he was nothing and come at me; but I was ready. He was cocky, Moroi before he was changed, and young – and made a big mistake. He just pissed off one of most well-known Guardians alive, and left his chest wide open; he was on the pavement with the others, dead.

I rushed over to Dimitri not caring about my injuries and turned him over from the position on his side, putting his head in my lap. "Dimitri..?" I whispered, tears flowing brushing his hair out of his face. "Dimitri, come on, stop joking around, it's not funny." I shook him gently, as if trying to wake him up even though his lifeless eyes were wide open and staring blankly at me. "Please, Dimitri, no. Please, come back," I begged, as I barely registered the others come over to us. 'Please, God, I'm begging you please don't take him for me.' I prayed as I hugged Dimitri to me, rocking back and forth slightly.

"Rose, he gone," I heard Adrian say. I snapped my head up.

"Adrian, please," I begged him, before turning to Lissa and back to Adrian. "I don't care if he will be, please… I can't lose him, can't…"

Lissa's response was automatic; she came over, kneeling by me and looked at me as if asking 'where'. "His neck," I told her and she placed her hands on his neck. I could still remember the feeling that she would get whenever she would use her magic. I pictured in my mind, the feeling of life and happiness, the joy.

After a minute she let go, and we waited, watching for the faintest of movements, but there nothing. I looked at Lissa, meeting her jade green ones, begging her to try again with my eyes to try again; she did. Yet again nothing happened; Adrian came down and tried, and for a third time, nothing happened. I began to shake my head; I wasn't going to accept it.

"Little Dhampir," Adrian said gently as if speaking to a child, appearing before my vision. "He's gone, Little Dhampir, he's gone."

"No," I whispered, shaking my head more profusely. "No, he's not," I denied, putting my head on Dimitri's, noticing how it was getting cooler; taking in the scent of his aftershave. I wasn't going to lose him; he's everything to me – him and Alec. "Please, try again, please." I begged.

"He's gone, Little Dhampir. We have tried, he's not coming back."

"No!" I buried my face farther down in his hair, burying my nose in the scent of his shampoo and aftershave together. 'Please God, don't take him from me. Please, I will do anything – anything! So please! Give him back!'

I felt hands on me and arm circling me, taking me away from him. "No!" I screamed, "Don't take him from me, please!" I thrashed and bucked trying to get back to Dimitri, begging, I couldn't leave him, I had to stay with him! 'Dimitri, don't go!'

I felt a pain on the back of my neck before darkness overcame me. "Comrade…" Was the last thing I remember saying before I succumbed to the darkness.

~.*.~

I laid there on my – no our bed, just staring at the wall across the room from me, completely numb. I know that if anyone would have come in that particular moment, they would see how much of a mess I was. And to be completely honest – I didn't care.

'My reason for living was gone – it died with you, Comrade.'

"Rose…?" I heard my name called, dragging me from my thoughts and to focus on the person in front of me.

With her poked into the room was my sister in everything but blood and best friend, Headmistress of St. Vladimir's, former bond-mate and current charge – Lissa Dragomir, Queen of the Moroi and Dhampir Races. Her long blond hair was pulled up and braided with her crown woven into it. Her pale jade eyes widened at the sight of me; and at the moment that she caught sight of mine they filled with worry sorrow.

'I must be worse than I first thought,' I thought errantly.

"Oh, Rose," she said as she came into the room, worry, love and sorrow colored her voice. She quickly came over to where I laid on Dimitri's side of the bed, and knelt down in from of me. I barely registered the black lace top of her dress. I just stared at her not knowing what to say.

"Rose, sweetie, you got to get up now and get dressed, okay?" She told me, as she brushed some hair out of my face. "I know you don't want to but you have to." She guessed right – I didn't want to move from this spot. Because that would mean that I would have to take a shower and put on that dress that I know was hanging so innocently in the closet; the white one.

The one Lissa had bought me on a whim a few years back, and had only worn it for a couple of occasions. All of them were funerals and one too many if you asked me. 'I could still remember the day Lissa bought it, and what you had said, Dimitri….'

We were spending the day outside the wards with Lissa shopping at a mall, five other Guardians near and around us. Christian was complaining he wanted to eat and go home. And as much as I hated agreeing with him, so did I – and I said as much.

~.*.~

"Come on, Liss, you know how much I hate agreeing with Sparky here," I started, gesturing toward Christian with a jab of my thumb over my shoulder. "But so am I. Dimitri and I both have shifts in the morning, plus I have to teach still, and we have a baby to take care of."

"Okay, but after this last shop," she all but begged, pointing to a dress store that down from where we were; and it looked fancy.

"Fine, but last one Vasilissa Dragomir," I said sternly, looking her in the eyes – telling her that I meant business.

"Yay, you are the best, Rose!" She squealed before jumping on me and almost hugged me to death; before letting me go and running toward the store in her excitement. Despite being tired I kept up with her with no problem; she was fast for a Moroi.

We spent a good amount of time in there just browsing through the racks, when I heard her call me over. She was browsing a clearance rack that marked seventy-five percent off. It wasn't till I got over to her that I saw it too.

It was beautiful. The top part of the dress looked like was layered lace with an extra couple of layers at the top; a corset back and a sleeveless sweetheart neckline finished it off. It was made to hug the person who wore it down to the waist, before falling elegantly loose in a full skirt that was knee length. The material was soft and reminded me of a cloud.

It was also white.

"You have to try it on, Rose," Lissa said pushing it into my hands. She was in love with the dress from the sound of her voice. Excitement colored her from head to toe.

"You know the rules, Lissa. I can't – not when I'm on duty, no matter how much I want to." I reminded her, as I looked away from the beautiful dress. 'And I really want to,' I thought afterwards. I had been good all day – only getting what I really needed: some things for my Little Alec, and I birthday gift for Dimitri. It wasn't that I didn't have the money – it was the fact that I didn't have anywhere or anything to wear it to.

"Try it on, Roza," I turned to face Dimitri, he knew I wanted to at least try it on, reading me like a book.

"Comrade, you know the rules." Even I could tell I wasn't convincing anyone.

Walking over to me with Christian right beside him, he cupped my face with his hands, I could feel the callouses from all the training and hard work over the years rub against my skin. It was comforting and familiar. He gave a look that had me going weak kneed. "Please, Roza, I want to see it on you." He said before kissing my forehead, turning me around with a little push toward the dressing room behind us.

After asking if the lady in the fitting room would help with the ties in the back, I was out moments later – thanking God I had chosen to wear a white strapless bra and panty set. With a quick glance in the mirror I couldn't believe that the person in the mirror was me. But I was right; it hugged my curves in all the right places and with the skirt stopping at my knees. I knew a year ago I wouldn't have been able to pull it off.

Shaking my head, I quickly hurried back to the group that was waiting to see. Their reactions were immediate. Lissa jumped up and down almost squealing with happiness. The Guardians that came with us nodded their heads in approval – even Christian was giving me a thumbs up.

But it was Dimitri's reaction that I paid the most attention to. His eyes were wide and his mouth was hanging open slightly. He recovered quickly, shaking his head and coming over to me kissing me full on the lips for a moment.

Resting his head on mine he gave me of those heart stopping smiles that I used to do anything for back in high school. "Beautiful, Roza, absolutely beautiful."

"You're getting that dress, Rosemarie Belikov, one way or another." Lissa said from behind Dimitri, causing us to breakaway and give her out attention. "Even if I have to but it for you," determination shined in her eyes and rang out in her voice.

"I don't need it, Lissa. I have nothing to wear it to or for." I tried to reason with her, but I could see nothing I said would change her mind. So with a sigh I turned around and went to change back into my uniform; put the dress back on the hanger with practice ease.

Arriving back with the dress in hand, Lissa snatched it from me, before going up to the register and buying it before any of us knew what had happened. And before anyone knew it we were in the SUVs heading back to the Academy.

The trip back was mostly silent; Lissa and Christian had fallen asleep along with the other two Guardians in our vehicle, so it was just Dimitri and me.

"You know," I said breaking the comfortable silence. "I didn't need the dress. I really don't have anything to wear it to – I have my uniform."

"I could see you wanted it, Roza. You knew she would buy it for you regardless."

"Still, I have my uniform," I said looking down at said uniform and picking at it. Before I knew it a stupid question flew out of my mouth before I could stop myself. "Why do Guardian clothes have to be so…dull? I mean, there's already so much death and darkness in our lives as it is, why do we have to dress like… Undertakers while we're at it?"

Dimitri let out a chuckle and rolled his eyes. "Oh, Roza," he said shaking his head. "What, would you prefer going around in bright pink or neon yellow? We're supposed to be inconspicuous, not running around wearing T-shirts that say 'Bite Me' on them."

"Comrade, I see that I'm rubbing off on you. You just made a joke, I'm proud of you." I laughed. "But seriously, these things are all-purpose." I then looked at him with a 'Rose' smile, before clearing my throat loudly before continuing. "Presenting the Guardian uniform, they are light weight, and easy to move in – not to mention all-purpose! You can wear to a Royal event, you can wear them to the office, and you can even wear them to a funeral!" I did in my best TV ad voice.

I watched as a smile bloomed across his face. "You might be on to something there. But not everyone can go shopping or spend time choosing what they are going to wear."

After moment of silence I suddenly perked up. "I know!" I almost shouted. "Whenever I'm not required to be in uniform, I'll wear the brightest thing that I have!" I said with a smile, before turning and looking at the passing scenery outside. "I'll even wear white to funerals. Some may find it disrespectful, but we need a little more color in our lives…or deaths."

Grabbing my hand and kissing it I could feel the smile on his lips. "They wouldn't see it as disrespect. You're supposed to shine, not hide in mourning. You, my Roza, weren't meant to fit in with the crowed. Heck, I might even join you." He laughed.

I bathed in the sound of it – his beautiful laugh.

"Other people might not see it that way." I said despite the fact that my love for him grew.

He simply shrugged. "They don't matter, and you'll always have me."

~.*.~

"No, I won't," I whispered as the memory faded and Lissa was in front of me once again. It had come out horse and my voice cracked, I could hear how pathetic I sounded.

"Rose?" She called out she sounded panicked. "Rose, you have to. Today's the funeral, you have to get up and get ready. Come on, I'll help you."

"Lissa?" I whispered meeting her eyes, her hand had at some point began that calming gesture of smoothing my hair.

"Yes Sweetheart?"

"Why?" I whispered my cracking as I spoke. "Why him? I can't seem to understand why it had to be Dimitri." I sound so weak and pathetic and…lost. I sound as if I was a child asking her mother why something happened because they didn't understand.

Her hand paused the calm petting of my hair as her smile became pained. "I don't know, Sweetie, and we will never know. Maybe it was his time to go." She answered me, sounding every bit the mother I knew her to be; it was comforting. "But I know that he would not want you to live your life like this. You need to get up and get dressed now, and send him off with a smile, okay?"

"I can't, Liss," I told her honestly. "I can't smile – not anymore. I don't have a reason to smile anymore. He was my reason."

"But you do, Rose," she said, her voice filled with such conviction. "You have many reasons to. You have me, Rose. You have your family, but more importantly, you have Alec. You have many reasons to smile."

"Alec, my son," I whispered as if I just meeting him for the first time, as if it was a foreign concept.

"That's right, your son," she smiled.

"I'd forgotten about him," I confessed. "I'm such an awful mother – forgetting about my own son. I'd been so focused on my own pain that I forgot to check on my own son. I'm such bad mother, Lissa." I told her almost hysterically, lifting my head off the pillow; and placing my hand on her arm. I was now panicking. How was Alec holding up? Was he okay? Dimitri was his father, for Christ's sake!

"Calm down, Rose, he's fine." She said while trying to calm me to sooth my fears. "He understands that you needed some time. He's been staying with Christian and I. He hasn't really said anything – he's too worried about you. So come on and get dressed, then you can go and see him. He's in his room getting ready." She told me, grabbing my hand and pulling me up. She led me to my bathroom and turned on the shower; and after adjusting the water, she left me to my own devices.

I hesitantly got undressed and hopped into the shower, which was soon over quickly because I knew that if I stayed any longer, I would have broken down.

~.*.~

When I got out the room was full with steam, and the mirror above the sink was fogged up. Out of habit I grabbed the hand towel by the sink and wiped it. I stood there, staring at my reflection – to be more specific, the single scar on my face. It went from just below the outside corner of my right eye to my chin. It had happened two years after I had become Lissa's Guardian, and had refused of let any of my Spirit user friends heal it. We Guardians have our scars whether they are physical or mental, some of us both – and this was mine.

Looking up in the mirror I saw something that scared me – my dead eyes. No wonder Lissa look at me the way she did. I was broken beyond repair and it scared her to see this.

Three knocks on the bathroom door kept me from thinking those thoughts any longer. "Come in Lissa," I answered knowing it was her.

She quickly entered, closing the door behind her, shivering at the rush of cold air that it brought in. "Here you go," she said holding up my white dress.

I had only worn one other white dress in my life, and that was the day I married Dimitri and that was one of the happiest days in my life. This is the second white dress I wore, but this time, instead of being happy all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and die. I just looked at it; I couldn't bring myself to move. I really wanted to but I was frozen.

'What happened to forever, Dimitri? I thought.

"Rose?" Lissa asked get my attention.

I didn't answer her I just forced my body to move. Dropping the towel that I had around my waist, I grabbed the white strapless bra and put it and the panties on. Before I grabbed the white dress that pained me to wear, my body started to freeze up again but I forced it move. Almost as if it was trying to reject the motion, I loosen the ties of the corset and slipped into it with practiced ease.

"I'll get the back, Rose, turn around." She told me before I could even form the question. Doing what I was told I turned so my back was facing her, and soon it was laced up. My hair was blow dried and left down like Dimitri loved it. Little to no makeup was applied, especially since I would probably cry it off anyway.

After leaving the bathroom I headed the opposite direction of the front door. "I have to check on Alec," I told her as I walked and put on the matching white heals – feat that took much practice over the years of running around last minute. "I'll meet you there, okay, Liss?" I asked.

"You sure, Rose?" She asked concerned.

"Yeah," I confirmed not stopping.

"Okay," she gave in. As I reached his bedroom door I heard the front one close.