Note: This work is mostly based off of the TV show, but for simplicity and just because I want to, I'll give you a time and place, according to my accounting, of where the story takes place. The city is Boston (taken from the film) and the year the Bad Beginning takes place is 1956. Just for reference, as certain characters will discuss dates, both present and past, and there will be discussion of events taking place, e.g. Wars, pacts, and a Nuclear blast that almost caused World War 3. There will be certain major changes in the lives of the Baudelaire orphans now, as they rediscover their past, meet more family friends, a "dead" man, and attend the VFD school. Also note that there will be far more Jewish references throughout, so if you don't want, don't read.

The Perilous Pirates

Book 14

For Beatrice-

My niece is alive with me.

My sister is dead with you.

Chapter 1

(Or you can just watch the last five minutes of Season 3 episode 2 and skip to the second chapter)

My name is Lemony Snicket.

In the 53 years I have spent on this earth, for some reason of which I am not quite certain, there are countless young boys I have met who wish to become Pirates - a word which here means people who like to drink, smoke, curse, and wear fancy clothes, all at the same time. However, for some reason, few young girls ever want to become Pirates. Perhaps it just doesn't appeal to them.

However, in Finland in the 15th century, a group of young ladies who had had enough of the nonexistance of women's rights those days took some weapons, stole a boat, and put out to sea.

Living at sea can be tricky, and whenever I see the sea, I'm reminded of the day that I was lost at sea, with only water as far as the eye could see, my spyglass fell into the depths of the sea, and I had Verdant Flammable Device that was too waterlogged to light. That day, my life was saved by a rope, a plastic bag, a salmon, a piece of chewing gum, and a raft of Lucky Smells planks I painstakingly lashed together. If I learned one lesson that day, it was that Salmon are stronger if Voluntarily Fish Domesticated.

However, if you are lost at sea, it is more likely that you will meet some very unpleasant (read: terrifying) characters, who are almost guaranteed to ruin your day, such as pirates, sharks, or egocentric tourists, a term which here means people from somewhere else that care only about themselves.

The tale you are about to read is not a cheerful one, full of the grand adventures of the Baudelaire orphans and their young charge, but a sad, woeful tale dragged out by a depressed narrator.

The only thing worse than a sad woeful tale, dragged out by a depressed adult narrator, is a sequel to said sad woeful tale dragged out by a depressed ten-year old girl who has nothing better to do with her life. In this case, you can read both, but nonetheless I will advise you while you still can, please put this book down and go read something less depressing, as stories by depressed ten-year old girls often lead to suicide, insanity, or intense root beer float drinking, which in turn can lead to digestive issues (please don't ask, it's a gloomy and dreary tale of it's own).

I repeat, the tale you are about to read is more gloomy and dreary than any digestive problem, so as a kind man with a good heart, I implore you to take this book and throw it as far away as possible, preferably at the shady figure behind you (unless this is a Library book, in which case you should be careful not to damage it upon contact. Otherwise you will have to pay for it).

I am writing this as I sit in a soda bar, drinking a root beer float and listening to children talk.

Allow me to recount for you what has happened so far today.

The girl in the red hat looked up at me from her seat as I entered the shop.

"Mr. Snicket?" She called. "I'm your niece, Beatrice Baudelaire, the Second. Would you like to hear a story about our family?"

"I would like that very much," I replied, sitting down across from her.

She closed the heavy book in front of her, looked first at it, then at me. I looked at the book. The title read An Incomplete History. The book was very thick and bound very carefully in black leather, with the title in gold lettering on the cover. The book seemed to have been well cared for, but having had gone through rough times with it's owner. No, I thought, owners. I knew that book, I had given the other Beatrice that book to use as a diary thirty-five years back. I told her that it might help her someday, but it apparently didn't. I hoped it had helped her children.

"As you know, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire were intelligent children," she began.

"And they were charming, and resourceful, and had pleasant facial features," I interjected. "They lived with their parents in a mansion in the heart of a busy city."

She looked at me quizzically, a word which here means full of questions and interest. "You know this story," she concluded.

"Parts," I explained.

She thought a moment, and then asked, "Did you hear the part about the Pirates?"

I looked at her quizzically, a word which here again means full of questions and interest. "Pirates?" I asked.

She smiled. "Female Finnish Pirates. It was after we sailed away from the Island, but before their third trip to Briny Beach; Violet had just tied up her hair to invent a steering mechanism, and Klaus was studying tidal charts, when Sunny looked up from the black bean salad she was making and said "Shiver me timbers!"

There will be more coming as I write it, stay tuned!

HanninbalBarca out.