AN: This is based on the idea 'what would happen if our heroes were the bad guys?' So I wrote a story to see what would happen if Ash and Misty were part of Team Rocket. This has so many Shout Outs, it rivals Lucky Star!
Basically, Ash and Misty are in Team Rocket, Pikachu is an evil champagne (you'll find out what that means later), Jessie and James are ordinary Trainers and Meowth... still walks and talks like a human. Did you think I'd change that?
Also, there's a rogue Narrator, and a kid who likes shorts and hangs around on Route 4. No, not that kid, the other one! Oh, and Brock is... The Character That Is Never Mentioned, Hinted At, Or Relevant To The Plot In Any Way, Shape, Or Form.
A.K.A. Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Fic.
There is one more character in addition to these (except Brock because he's not in the story), but that character is not important.
Enjoy!
"Prepare for trouble!"
"Make it double!"
Shadowy figures appeared.
"Stealing Pokémon all round the world!" the figure with the male voice cried.
"Handing 'em to our boss for gold!" a female voice yelled.
The Trainer in front of them was about to point something out.
"Yeah, not a good rhyme. I get it," the second voice said.
The Trainer, having his observation lampshaded, quickly shut up, leaving the weird people alone.
Unfortunately for him, they weren't leaving him alone.
"I'm the master, and my name is Ash!"
"I'm Misty, but we've got to dash..."
"Team Rocket forever!" they yelled, running off.
"Pika Pika!" a Pikachu cried as it jumped in the air, before running after the pair.
"What the..." the stunned Trainer stammered when they'd gone. "Spearow, who w-" he began, turning to his Pokémon. Who... wasn't there. "Spearow? Where are you, Spearow?" the Trainer asked, looking around frantically.
The kid's Spearow was, in fact, with the Pokémon thieves. Not willingly, of course, but with them all the same.
"That was a great idea, Misty!" the guy who had called himself Ash exclaimed as they ran down the path. Pikachu took a running leap onto his shoulder.
"Of course it was, Ash," Misty replied. "It wasn't one of yours."
"Why do you always make fun of me?" Ash whined.
"Cause you deserve it."
Ash was so stunned by this revelation that he forgot to watch where he was going and promptly ran into a tree.
Pikachu saw it coming, and jumped down from Ash's shoulder a second before impact.
Misty slowed to a stop, giggling at her partner-in-crime's stupidity.
"That hurt..." Ash groaned, rubbing his head. "Stop laughing at me!" he yelled, noticing Misty's reaction to his 'injury'.
"We should probably find a safer mode of transport" Misty suggested, trying to stop giggling. Out loud, anyway. Ash couldn't read minds, so mentally laughing at him should be fine.
"How about bikes?" Ash asked, pointing to the bike shop conveniently located just down the road.
"Sure! Just make sure you can afford both of them.
"BOTH?" Ash exclaimed, almost popping a vein. Or artery, which would be worse. Artery = high pressure blood.
"You still owe me a bike, remember? Or has it been so long you've forgotten?"
"You got your bike back!"
"Yes, but you still owe me because you never did a single thing to get me my bike back!"
Ash couldn't argue with (well, think of a good response to) that logic. Pikachu climbed back onto Ash's shoulder as they walked to the bike shop.
"Why is there a bike shop in the middle of nowhere, anyway?" Misty asked.
"I dunno," Ash shrugged.
For anyone who didn't bother reading the Author's Note, Ash and Misty are in Team Rocket.
Ten minutes later, they came out riding bikes: Misty on a shiny new bike, and Ash on a rusty old wreck.
"How come you got the good one?" Ash complained.
"Cause the bike you destroyed was a good quality bike."
"How come I got the bad one?"
"It's all you could afford after you paid me back."
Neither of them noticed the Spearow had run off.
This is a scene change.
Meowth was not happy.
"It's been twee days since we had any food!" it complained, stomach rumbling. "Meowth needs food badly!"
"Shut up," the pink-haired girl Meowth was travelling with ordered.
"Why can't we go to a Pokémon Center?" the purple-haired boy also travelling with them asked.
"We're not accepting charity!" the girl snapped. "Now keep walking!"
And so they trudged on in silence.
"Why do we need to say the Motto, anyway?" Misty asked.
"Huh?"
"I said, why do we need to say the motto, anyway?" Misty repeated angrily.
"Uh... habit, I guess..." Ash answered. "Why?"
"So we don't need it?"
"We do need to let the Trainer know that their Pokémon just got stolen..."
"What would happen if, say, we didn't let the Trainer know?" Misty wondered, grinning evilly.
"Not say the Motto?" Ash asked, horrified at the very idea.
"We could follow them and say the Motto when they figure it out..." Misty compromised.
"Okay..." Ash agreed reluctantly. Just like Misty wanted.
The Team Rocket agents soon spotted another Trainer they could steal from.
Well, two Trainers.
They decided to take the-
"Hey, is that Meowth walking on two feet?" Ash asked, interrupting the Narrator.
The Narrator made throttling motions in Ash's direction, but, as Ash didn't even know there was a Narrator, he didn't notice anything.
"Meowth don't usually do that," Misty answered.
"The Boss would like it, then."
And if they thought a Meowth that walked on two feet was amazing, imagine their surprise when they found out it could talk, too.
"We've got to get that Meowth," Misty muttered, "but how?"
"We could dig a pit, cover it with leaves and dirt, then steal the Meowth when the Trainers fall into the pit," Ash suggested.
"No, it'll never work," countered Misty, destroying Ash's dream of digging for treasure, just like a pirate.
"We could disguise ourselves..."
"Why do we need to? They don't know us! Though we could if you wanted to wear that dress again..." Misty hinted.
"I'll pass," Ash replied hurriedly.
"Good boy."
"I think we should make a huge robot with lots of grabby arms to grab it."
"I think you should grow a brain."
And thus another of Ash's dreams was shattered.
"Pikachu, what's wrong with my ideas?" Ash complained to his Pokémon.
Pikachu replied with a string of words (in Pikachu language, of course) and actions, all of which could be loosely interpreted as "They're horrible!"
Ash was upset that even his Pokémon made fun of him, and went off to sulk in the corner. If there was a corner, which, as they were in a forest, there wasn't.
Forests don't have corners.
Free of the distracting influence of her team-mate, Misty was able to come up with an idea that could actually work.
"Hey, Ash! When you've finished your sulking toddler impression, can you come back over here?"
"So what's your brilliant idea?" Ash asked later, when he'd given up on growing mushrooms.
"We could just talk to it."
The plan was put into action that night, when Meowth's Trainers were asleep.
"Pssst, Meowth! Over here!" Ash hissed from the bushes. Unfortunately for them, Meowth was asleep too.
Misty found a long stick and poked Meowth with it.
Meowth woke with a start.
"Stop poking me!" it exclaimed, as Misty had discovered how fun it is to poke people. Well, um... Pokémon.
On a side note, it's good Meowth isn't a critter... not the type that blows up when you poke them too much, anyway. Those live in some other universe.
"Pssst, over here!" Ash hissed again. Meowth walked over to where the noise was coming from.
You know the old saying 'curiosity killed the cat'? You know how Meowth is basically a-
Hey! The Narrator sees you coming to conclusions!
The Narrator isn't going to... um... put Meowth on a bus. Don't panic!
You doubt the Narrator? The Narrator does not like that. The Narrator is feeling a strange urge to dig that bazooka out of the cupboard. Then you'll be sorry for doubting the Narrator. Heh heh heh...
Meowth found two humans - and a Pikachu - hiding in the bushes.
"Meowth! Wanna come with us?" Misty whispered.
"Who are you guys?" Meowth asked.
"We're Team Rocket!" Ash whispered proudly.
"If you come with us, we'll introduce you to the Boss. And, if he likes you enough, you could become the top cat!" Misty explained, still whispering.
"Pika!" Pikachu added, nodding in agreement.
Meowth considered this.
"Will dere be any food?" it asked hopefully.
"Definitely" Ash affirmed.
"Den I'll do it."
See? Meowth didn't die! Shame on you for doubting the Narrator!
In the morning, Meowth's Trainers seemed oblivious to the fact that their Pokémon was gone.
The Team Rocket employees followed Meowth's old Trainers, enjoying a leisurely pace on their bikes. Meowth commonly rode in the basket on Misty's bike, happily sleeping, while Pikachu held on to Ash's shoulder as the basket was too badly damaged to risk.
Meals were always chaotic, with Ash and Misty fighting over who got stuck with the cooking, who washed up, and... pretty much everything else, really.
The humans were too busy fighting to notice Pikachu and Meowth having frequent conversations. They wouldn't have been able to figure out what the Pokémon were talking about, anyway, as Pikachu was using Pikachu language. And Meowth spent much of the conversations agreeing with what Pikachu said.
One night, after a particularly fierce argument (which was over whose sleeping bag was better), Meowth decided to sum up everything that had been said in the private conversations with Pikachu:
"Dey say if two people fight, dey really care about each odder."
Both humans turned towards Meowth, glaring. Though the effect was lessened (or perhaps heightened; your mileage may vary) by the fact that they both turned as red as a Poké Ball. The top half of the Poké Ball, of course. The bottom is white.
Turning as white as a Poké Ball would have a very different effect, more commonly associated with fear and horror movies. Neither of which fits this story. If you want something where people turn white, go read a creepypasta. Like-
Ahem. Sorry about that. Back to the story.
"What do you mean by that?" Misty asked, enunciating the words clearly.
Meowth panicked.
"I didn't say anyfing! It was Pikachu!" the Pokémon said frantically, pointing at the yellow Pokémon.
"Pika?" it asked cutely, in a way that said "Who, me?" (not literally, obviously), as Ash turned to look, but Misty wasn't convinced.
"Pikachu can't talk human," she stated.
"You almost blew my cover!" Pikachu exclaimed indignantly to Meowth that night, after the humans had gone to sleep, in perfectly understandable human speech.
This is a time skip.
It had been a week since Meowth had joined the Team Rocket agents, and still the Trainers hadn't noticed that their Pokémon was missing.
Meowth had ceased to be amused at the constant conflicts between Ash and Misty, and instead merely sighed when they had yet another argument. These arguments frequently descended into the "Is not!"/"Is too!" style commonly heard in squabbles between young children, where each participant recited the same word over and over and over and over and over ad nauseum.
"They haven't grown up at all," Pikachu commented to Meowth during one of these confrontations.
"How old are dey?"
"Older than they act, that's for sure. I mean, they act like ten-year-olds!" Pikachu exclaimed.
Another week had passed before the inevitable happened:
The Trainers noticed something - well, someone - was missing.
The Team Rocket agents saw the purple-haired Trainer looking around.
"Hey, Jessie, where's Meowth?" they heard him ask.
"About time dey noticed," Meowth muttered.
The Trainers were walking along when a red-haired girl rushed across the path, carrying a stereo. She set it down on the ground and pushed a button on the device, before running back across the path.
The two Trainers started doing a very good Magikarp impression.
"Prepare for trouble!" a guy yelled, jumping out onto the path as the stereo started pumping out music.
"Make it double!" the girl who'd put the stereo out continued, also appearing (again).
"Stealing Pokémon all round the world!"
"Handing 'em to our boss for gold! Yeah, not a good rhyme. I get it."
"I'm the master, and my name is Ash!"
"I'm Misty, but we've got to dash..."
"Team Rocket forever!" they yelled, running off down the path.
"Pika Pika!" Pikachu cried, jumping in the air.
"Meowth, that's right!" Meowth shouted, following Pikachu's example.
"Meowth! What are you doing?" the girl Trainer, Jessie, shrieked. She'd got her voice back by now.
"Time to run," Meowth suggested, looking at Pikachu. Pikachu nodded. They picked up the stereo and ran off after Ash and Misty.
"What. The. ****," the boy said, regaining the use of his voice now. Censored for your protection, via Narrative Profanity Filter. Because this is a kid-friendly story.
"We've gotta get Meowth back, James," Jessie stated, running after them.
Unfortunately for the two Trainers, the Team Rocket members had bikes.
Bikes are faster than walking. Or running. Or a rocket-powered... Okay, maybe not that. Unless you were thinking of a rocket-powered snail, which goes at walking speed and lives on-
Sorry about that. The Narrator got side-tracked and led you astray. So, back to the story.
When they were far enough away from the Trainers, the Team Rocket agents stopped for a rest.
"That was fun," Misty breathed, flopping down under a tree.
"We make a good team," Ash remarked, lying down beside her. Misty giggled.
Pikachu started pushing Meowth away from the area as fast as it could without disturbing the humans.
"Best leave them alone for a while," it whispered, just as Meowth was about to complain. Meowth looked over at the humans and reached the same conclusion as Pikachu: with luck, something big was about to happen.
The Narrator would like to remind you that you may stop reading at any time. But you want to continue reading, don't you? Don't you? Admit it. It'll be worse if you don't.
You want to find out what happens next with Ash and Misty, where Meowth ends up, and... no, you don't care about that one. It's boring.
"This is nice," Misty sighed happily, closing her eyes. "Isn't it?" she asked, turning to her partner, only to find that he'd fallen asleep. She smiled at his sleeping form and lay back, following him to the land of dreams.
"Can we go back now?" Meowth whined.
"Alright. Just stay quiet," Pikachu ordered, and the Pokémon trekked back to where they'd left the humans.
"Awww..." Meowth gushed. "They're asleep."
Pikachu swore.
"I guess I have no choice," Pikachu muttered. "Meowth, follow my lead. And remember, stay quiet!" It turned to the humans.
"Time to set the Persian among the Pidgeys," Pikachu said, grinning and rubbing its paws together.
Pikachu crept over to its Trainer and poked him in the side. Ash shifted slightly, but didn't wake up. Pikachu nodded, satisfied that he wasn't going to wake up before they'd completed their mission. It repeated the procedure with Misty, getting very similar results.
There was a chance this gamble could pay off.
"On three. One... two... three!" and they heaved Misty a few centimetres closer to Ash.
"Again. One... two... three!" Misty was moved a bit further from the starting point.
"One last time. One... two... three!" and they had Misty so close to Ash that she could use his chest as a pillow.
"Perfect," Pikachu breathed, looking over its handiwork.
A large drag mark on the ground caught its eye.
"We need to clean that up," it said, pointing. Meowth grabbed a couple of branches and the two Pokémon swept away all evidence of their actions.
Meowth stifled a yawn as they finished.
"Go get some sleep. I'll finish this off," Pikachu told the tired Pokémon. Meowth nodded and curled up under a tree, falling asleep almost immediately.
Pikachu turned slowly, making sure there was nothing the humans could use to identify the fact that they'd been moved in their sleep. Finding nothing, it settled down to watch the humans through half-closed eyes.
"If only I had some popcorn..." it wished.
It gets slightly weird from here on in. The Narrator is just making sure you know that.
Ash was dreaming of a milkshake. A large chocolate milkshake in a tall glass, with a bendy straw poking out of the frothy bit at the top. It smelled so good...
He leant forwards to start drinking...
Misty's dream was more substantial.
She was on a romantic date with the boy, no, man of her fantasies. The sun was setting over the ocean behind her, but her gaze was on the man in front of her.
"The sunset's so beautiful," he murmured, turning her attention to the marvellous display.
"Yes it is," she whispered back.
"But not as beautiful as you," he continued, causing her to blush at the compliment. He smiled and pulled her closer to him. She closed her eyes and leant forwards for the kiss she knew was coming...
You know where this is going, don't you?
Pikachu watched as, both fast asleep and dreaming, their lips made contact with each other. The kiss woke both humans up and they broke apart, shocked.
Misty was shocked that she'd actually kissed the man of her dreams. In. Real. Life.She panicked, wondering how they'd been so close to each other in the first place. She was sure she'd been over there earlier...
Ash was just disappointed that the milkshake had disappeared.
Then the enormity of what had happened struck him.
"I kissed Misty?" he asked aloud, incredulous.
Pikachu chuckled evilly to itself.
'Exactly as planned,' it thought.
Ash was dumbfounded at what had just occurred. His brain (yes, he has one, albeit not a large one) ran around in circles, spouting incomplete sentences and random facts about Pokémon.
Only the stuff about Pokémon made it to his mouth.
Misty had just come to the conclusion that she was imagining things, when she noticed Ash's mouth moving. She tuned in just in time to hear the '5 Ways to Train Your Magikarp' Show. She sighed, tuning out again.
"Why do I love this idiot?" she muttered.
Ash's ears perked up as they detected something that cut straight through his thought processes, effectively cutting off the words rampaging through his brain and mouth.
Surely she couldn't have said what he thought he'd heard, could she?
"You say something?" he asked. Misty blushed, hurriedly trying to deny it.
Ash was not convinced. He knew she was hiding something.
And, in a sudden burst of clarity, he realised that she'd been hiding it for most of the time he'd known her. Plus, he could take a fair guess as to what it was.
"See? People do change when they get kissed!" the Narrator pointed out, inserting itself into the story as a character for emphasis.
'Does she... like me?' the stunned Team Rocket agent wondered. This was followed by a second, more shocking thought:
'Do I like her?'
Ash decided to test these theories.
"Uh, Misty... what happened before... um... it was kinda...nice," he stammered. "Can we try it again?" he blurted out.
Misty's jaw dropped.
After doing a five-second Magikarp impression, she was able to reply.
"I don't know how to say this, but... um..."
Ash nodded, wanting her to go on.
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH ASH KETCHUM?" she finished.
"People change when they get kissed," the Narrator pointed out again. Misty didn't hear the Narrator because she didn't know there was one.
"Um, people change when they get kissed," Ash answered, unconsciously echoing the Narrator.
The Narrator was upset at this uppity character stealing the Narrator's phrase, and the Narrator stormed off to get its bazooka. When in doubt, use more firepower.
The Narrator aimed the bazooka at the unwitting character, only to be attacked by a Spearow.
When the interruption was over (and the bazooka lost), the Narrator turned back to the story, only to find Ash and Misty in a serious make-out scene.
Which was about to reach the logical conclusion.
"How did this happen?" the Narrator asked. Both characters ignored the Narrator.
Mainly because they didn't know there was a Narrator, but also partly because they were... busy.
There was only one thing the Narrator could do.
"It's flashback time," the Narrator announced in an epic Terminator voice.
The Spearow had been wandering around, searching for its Trainer since-
Wait, wrong flashback.
Ahem.
"Um, people change when they get kissed," Ash answered.
The Narrator knows you've already heard that part, but the Narrator is just letting you know where the flashback begins.
Also, the Narrator is talking in third person.
"That was a kiss?" Misty asked.
"Close enough."
Misty found Ash's logic reasonable, and didn't resist when he pulled her to him and fiercely kissed her. She kissed back just as passionately, sliding her hands under his shirt.
Pikachu shocked the Narrator before the Narrator could go into too much detail. This isa kid-friendly story, after all.
Having disciplined the Narrator, Pikachu dug in a random bag for a sleeping bag. It dragged the sleeping bag over to the two teenagers, who were... um... too busy to notice the Pokémon.
Pikachu shocked the humans to get their attention. They broke apart, glaring at Pikachu for interrupting them.
"Pika!" Pikachu ordered, throwing the sleeping bag at them. They took the hint and got into the sleeping bag. Pikachu nodded at the well behaved humans and went to get some sleep.
'Exactly as planned,' it thought, having accomplished what had been its main goal for the last seven or eight years.
The next few days passed uneventfully. Ash and Misty were constantly hugging, kissing or bickering, and the daily routine was fairly bland:
Wake up, breakfast, travel, lunch, more travel, dinner, go to bed, block ears, go to sleep.
Blocking ears was necessary, as the two humans now shared a sleeping bag every night.
Pikachu was starting to get sick of it, despite the fact that the current situation was the result of its Evil Plan.
"You should have waited a couple more years so they could figure it out on their own," the Narrator chided. Pikachu glared at the Narrator.
"Pikapi's stupidity was getting on my nerves," Pikachu stated by way of explanation.
"Fair enough."
"Okay, so what happened after I fell asleep the other night?" Meowth asked Pikachu later on.
"They kissed accidentally, they kissed deliberately, they made out, I attacked the Narrator-"
"There's a narrator?" Meowth interrupted.
"Of course! Those two," it indicated the humans, "need a narrator just to keep track of things!"
"And after you attacked the Narrator?" Meowth prompted.
"You don't want to know," Pikachu declared.
"Come on, tell me!"
"You do not want to know."
"Yes, I do."
"You're underage."
"What does age have to do with anything? Anyway, I bet I'm older than you."
"Fine. The audience is underage."
"Audience?"
"Narrators don't just narrate to empty space, you know."
"Underage?"
"Kid-friendly story. Supposedly."
Meowth had no idea what to say.
"All your base are belong to us," it replied lamely.
Now Pikachu was the one confused.
The Narrator felt like someone had been talking about it, and was getting very annoyed. Especially since Pikachu was the one talking. The Narrator decided to dig out an old, unfinished plot as revenge.
The Spearow was wandering the forest, still looking for its Trainer when-
Wait, wrong plot.
Jessie and James were still searching for the Team Rocket members so that they could get Meowth back.
"Is that them?" James asked for the 134th time that day. The Narrator was counting.
"No, of course n- Wait, yes it is!" Jessie exclaimed. "Let's do this."
And she raced after the Team Rocket agents, James following behind.
James had a strange urge to yell 'Leeroy Jenkins!' while he ran, but he couldn't spare the breath.
...Which was a good thing because the Narrator would have died laughing if he had.
It takes time to train up a new Narrator.
And it's too... much... effort...
Especiallyin the middle of the narrative.
"Hey you!" someone yelled from behind the Team Rocket agents. They turned around to see Meowth's former Trainers running towards them.
"Give us back Meowth!" the girl continued.
"Who are you?" Ash asked, confused.
"Prepare for trouble!" Jessie cried.
"Make it... double..." James panted, running up beside Jessie.
"Hey! Those are our lines!" Ash exclaimed.
"Yeah! Don't steal!" Misty agreed.
"You're ones to talk, thieves," Jessie spat.
"She has a point there," Misty whispered to Ash.
"I joined dem of my own free will!" Meowth said, joining the argument.
"What do these loser thieves have that we don't?" demanded Jessie.
"Food."
"That's a good point," James noted.
"Stop agreeing with them!" Jessie shrieked.
"Wat's wrong wit' at liddle bit o' logic every now an' den?" Meowth asked.
"Aaargh! I can't believe this!" Jessie screamed, storming off.
"What's logic?" Ash asked, confused.
While Misty was patiently explaining the concept of logic to Ash, James took the opportunity to talk to Meowth.
He started with a simple line:
"Is it true they have food?"
Meowth answered by going into great detail about exactlyhow much food there was.
Jessie was not happy. Meowth had ditched them like a... ditcher, and James wasn't much better. She was better off without them.
And yet... she was starting to miss them.
But she wasn't going back. Not yet, at least.
Her stomach growled, but she ignored it.
She'd show them.
The Narrator thinks this would be a good time to return to the main characters.
Do not argue with the Narrator.
You want to argue with the Narrator?
The Narrator would like to let you know that the Narrator has found the bazooka.
That's right. Argue all you want, but it won't stop you being turned into chunky salsa.
The Spearow decided it would fly around to-
Wait, wrong characters.
The Team Rocket agents had decided it was time for lunch, and were 'discussing' whose turn it was to cook.
In other words, they were arguing.
"Do they always do this?" James asked, as the argument reached the classic 'Is not!'/'Is too!' stage.
"Pretty much," Meowth sighed.
Eventually, Ash was stuck with the cooking.
The smell of food drifted through the forest, reaching Jessie, whose willpower faded at the scent. She found her feet taking her back to where she'd left the others.
She got back to find James waiting for her with a bowl of food. She grabbed it and sat down on a log at the edge of the clearing.
James sat down beside her. They sat in silence for a few minutes while Jessie emptied the bowl.
Eventually, James broke the silence.
"Hey, listen. They're nice people, really..."
"Don't care. They stole Meowth."
"Meowth left us to go with them."
"Bribery."
"Meowth wasn't bri... okay, maybe he was. But there was a good reason."
"Don't wanna hear it."
"Awww, come on..."
"If they're so great, why don't you join them too?" Jessie spat.
"I'd rather stay with you. I've heard some bad stories from Meowth. He asked for some Brain Bleach."
"Why?"
James proceeded to repeat Meowth's words.
The Narrator won't tell you what he said because this isa kid-friendly story.
Ash and Misty had started fighting again, this time over who washed up. Meowth and Pikachu were too used to this to care.
"You know, I kinda miss 'em," Meowth remarked to Pikachu as they watched the two Pokémon Trainers talking, ignoring the Team Rocket agents behind them.
Jessie walked back into the main camp and handed the empty bowl to Misty.
"Did you cook that?" she asked.
"No, Ash did."
"You know what?" Jessie asked, walking up to Ash, who had been stuck with the cleaning up as well.
"What?"
"Your cooking sucks."
"Well, excuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess," Ash replied sarcastically. Yes, Ash knows about sarcasm. Yet another side effect of the kiss a few days ago. Because people really do change when they get kissed. The result on Ash was to give him a brain.
"His cooking isn't that bad, really," Meowth stated, coming to Ash's defence. "It's Misty's cooking you have to watch out for."
Pikachu nodded, remembering the day they'd all been too sick to move after Misty had cooked. Except for Misty, who was obviously immune to the poison she made.
The Narrator decided it was time to kill Ash Ketchum once and for all.
The Narrator pulled out some silverware the Narrator just happened to have with it, and threw a random knife at Ash.
A bird Pokémon saw the shiny and swooped down to steal the flying knife and any other shinies the Narrator happened to be holding.
No one noticed this, of course. Except the Narrator, who was very annoyed.
"Bleeping enemy birds," the Narrator muttered. Self-censorship included.
The Narrator was left with only a fork, which the Narrator pulled out of the same pocket. It had gotten stuck earlier.
The Narrator threw the fork with all its might at the side of Ash's head.
Pointy end first. You can't kill someone with the handle.
A Spearow (Yes, that one for anyone who's been paying attention.) flew past, accidentally hitting the fork and deflecting it from the intended path. The Narrator watched in horror as the fork tumbled through the air in a downwards arc, the handle harmlessly hitting Ash on the side of his leg.
"F-" The Spearow squawked as it tried to regain its original flight path, conveniently blocking out the swear word. "-k!" the Narrator muttered. "Now the Narrator's gone and introduced a fork in the plot."
Hey, wait a minute! The Narrator does not like uppity readers assuming the Narrator said a swear word. The Narrator could have been saying 'Fork' for all you know!
...Though, admittedly, saying 'fork' isn't very likely. Let's just leave it as 'unspecified swear word'.
And if you want to make assumptions, go read something else.
Ash felt something hit the side of his leg. He looked down and found a silver fork lying on the ground.
"Where did this come from?" he wondered out loud.
'Oh, no,' though Pikachu, sighing. 'Someone's been reading too much Kuro.'
It stared pointedly at the Narrator.
How does the Narrator know what Pikachu was thinking? That's for the Narrator to know and you not to find out.
Okay, the Narrator can read minds. Standard Narrator Superpowers. Satisfied?
And no, the Narrator does notread too much Kuroshitsuji. The silverware was for... a dinner party! Yeah, that's it! A dinner party!
The Narrator would like to direct your attention back to the story now.
All the humans, plus Meowth, gathered around the fork to try and figure out where it came from.
While this was happening, the Narrator confronted Pikachu, who already knew where the fork came from.
"How exactly did you know I liked Kuro?" the Narrator demanded.
"Pika?" Pikachu asked, tilting its head to one side in a manner considered cute.
"Don't play innocent with the Narrator! The Narrator knows you can talk human!"
"You win that round," Pikachu replied, dropping the 'cute' act, "but how do you know I knew you liked Kuro?"
"Standard Narrator Superpowers."
"Okay," Pikachu sighed. "I knew you liked Kuro because... Bye!" and Pikachu ran and climbed onto Ash's shoulder.
The Narrator sighed as Pikachu turned around and stuck out its tongue. Narrators can never win.
Ash noticed Pikachu jumping onto his shoulder, but didn't spare it much thought. His mind was too busy thinking about the Mystery of the Fork.
...The Narrator felt like giving it a fancy name. Don't judge the Narrator. Bazooka, remember?
"Maybe someone wanted to kill you, Ash," Misty theorised.
She didn't know how right she was. Don't tell her. If you tell her, the Narrator will have to kill you, too. Slowly and painfully.
"Yeah, but why a fork?" Ash asked.
Pikachu let out a long string of various combinations of the syllables in its name.
"What's it saying, Meowth?" Jessie asked.
"It could have been thrown by someone who ran out of knives," Meowth translated.
The resulting discussion was long and boring, so the Narrator won't make you go through the whole thing. All the Narrator will say is that they took a break for dinner. Also, they came to a conclusion. What conclusion? The Narrator wasn't paying attention.
It's not like the result was important, was it?
When everyone got to bed that night, no one was able to sleep. Not because they weren't tired or were insomniacs (yay, long word!), but because it was impossible due to the actions of certain people. When they finally did manage to get some rest, Ash and Misty were the only ones who didn't get nightmares.
Needless to say, no one else was amused the next morning.
The previous night had convinced Jessie and James that Meowth's recommendation of Brain Bleach was all too accurate, and they couldn't leave soon enough.
Though they did have breakfast first.
"It's never a good idea to pass up a free meal," James murmured to Jessie between mouthfuls of food.
"Darn right," she whispered back. Only she didn't use the word 'darn'. The Narrator replaced it for any little kids that may read this. This is a kid-friendly story, after all.
"Though I still don't understand why we don't visit Pokémon Centers more often."
"Shut up. We are not accepting-"
"We wouldn't be the only-"
"SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!" Jessie shrieked.
Everyone else at the table turned to look at them.
"It's nothing, really," James said hurriedly.
Misty glanced at Ash with a knowing look in her eye. Ash caught the look, grinning when Misty winked at him.
"You know, they say if two people fight, they really care about each other," he commented casually.
"What does that mean?" Jessie demanded, her and James both turning as red as a Poké Ball. You know which half.
"Oh, nothing..." Ash replied, holding back a chuckle.
After breakfast, Jessie and James said their goodbyes. They turned to leave, even saying goodbye to Meowth.
"We just want you to be happy," James wailed.
Before they'd gotten too far away, though, Meowth ran after them, yelling "Wait for meeeeeee!" at the top of its lungs.
The two Trainers stopped and turned back towards the Team Rocket members' camp. When Meowth reached them, hugs and tears (of happiness) were shared all round.
"And Meowth is back where it belongs," Ash stated.
The two teenagers stood with arms around each other's waist for what seemed like an age, watching the Trainers leaving to continue their journey.
Misty finally broke the silence after Jessie and James were no longer in sight.
"Why didn't we introduce Meowth to the Boss like we said we would?" she asked.
"Who knows? Doesn't really matter, though," Ash replied, kissing her on the forehead.
"Mmm, no it doesn't," she agreed, resting her head on his shoulder.
"I love you, you know that?" Ash murmured in her ear.
"Yes I did. I knew before you did. Though a reminder is always nice," she mumbled into his neck. "I love you too, my sweet Pokémon Master."
Ash's only response was to hold her tighter.
Pikachu knew exactly why Ash and Misty had been sidetracked. Not like it would ever tell them.
"I want a milkshake," Ash said spontaneously, interrupting the romantic moment. Misty whacked the side of his head.
"What was that for?" he whined, holding a hand to his 'injury'.
"For being such an idiot," Misty retorted.
Ash's hands drifted down to her waist. He grinned as he started tickling his girlfriend.
"No! Stop! I surrender!" Misty gasped between bursts of laughter.
Ash refused her pleas, tickling her harder.
Misty managed to control her laughter long enough to start tickling him back.
Pikachu sighed when it saw the teenagers in a tickle war.
Though when they started removing clothing, it shocked them back to their senses.
"I think Pikachu's becoming a champagne," Ash muttered.
"Chaperone, Ash," Misty corrected. "You're still an idiot."
"Hey!" Ash objected.
"But you're myidiot, and that's what counts."
"Want a milkshake now?" Ash asked.
"Sure, why not?" Misty answered as they walked over to their bikes.
"What kind of milkshake?"
"Chocolate."
The Narrator had sabotaged Ash's bike, so that while they were biking, it collapsed under him, leaving Misty riding ahead on her own. The Narrator captured Ash and took him to the Narrator's castle, locking him in the dungeon, where he was subjected to cruel and unusual punishments.
Misty received his corpse in the mail a week later.
Just joking. It was Misty's shiny new bike that was sabotaqretfmdajkb,lg'fubngne31ot8gje/koafhw';ghd
The Narrator has been thoroughly punished and would like to apologise. No bikes were harmed, and neither of the lovebirds were harmed.
Though Pikachu is going to die soovsa;wrj4ie9qvnakdl;;'fagor
Electrocution is not nice.
The Spearow had just about given up on finding its Trainer when it heard a familiar voice.
"Hey! You're not wearing shorts!" a kid exclaimed.
The Spearow flew down to the source of the sound and was happily reunited with its Trainer.
And thus all the plots were complete.
The End.
Brought to you by one hell of a Narrator.
"So, uh... where are we?" Ash asked, refusing to let the story end.
"I thought you had the map," Misty replied.
Ash started searching in his bag for the map. He didn't find it.
"It's not here, Mist."
"Don't tell me the map's gone again," Misty muttered, facepalming.
"I won't," Ash promised.
"HOW COULD YOU LOSE THE MAP? AGAIN?" Misty screamed. "Now you'll never got that milkshake you wanted."
And so they were lost in the forest. And it was all Ash's fault.
Pikachu picked up a piece of paper lying on the ground. It stared at the paper, wondering what the markings meant. Pretending to wonder, anyway.
Eventually it shrugged and threw the lost map away.
"You are evil," the Narrator told Pikachu.
"I know," Pikachu replied with a grin.
The Narrator is leaving now. The story may keep going, but the Narrator has done too much overtime already and is off to have a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
By the way, you require more Vespene Gas.
AN: I now have a slightly-edited version on AO3, under the username revenblue. Plus the sequel.