This is my first fanfic...so dont be too hard on me! i hope that someone out there will actually enjoy this.

Disclaimer: twilight is definitely not something i own...(sigh)

Chapter 1: Normal

We are the angry and the desperate,
The hungry, and the cold,
We are the ones who kept quiet,
And always did what we were told.

prayer of the refuge
by Rise Against.

BPOV

I watched in silence as the drops of blood trikled down my finger.

Crimson leaving a trail down to to open palm and on to my wrist..

This cut was an accident.

I had been making dinner. The steaks were almost done, the vegetables almost steamed, but it had slipped my mind that Rene demanded strawberries cut in half and sugarcoated with sugar for desert.

I was not about to disobey her. So I quickly began cutting strawberries, but being that I can't complete a task without failing, I cut my finger.

And now here I stand hypnotized by the lack of pain...it should hurt.

It was and ugly cut, not to bad that I would need stitches though.

This was an accident. I got hurt on accident. How it should be. No one did this intentionally...not me, not Rene...not Phil.

I relished in the normality of it all. People get cut chopping food all the time. And I relished in the feeling that I was part of those people...

The mere fact that accidentaly being cut with a kitchen knife while cooking gave me comfort was yet another reflection of how fucked up I was..

A wave of sadness washed over me, I would never be normal. Tears filled my eyes and I fought them back.

Not here. I can't show that kind of vulnerability here. They would see.

No. I would wait and cry myself to exhaustion. As I did every night since as far back as I could remember.

I went over to the sink and wiped off the dry blood that was all over my hand.

I opened the last drawer on the right and put a band aid on.

As I went back to chopping the strawberries I herd the familiar smooth sound of a Volvo coming closer down the street until it stoped across the house from mine.

Edwards home...

I wonder if he had a normal day?

Probably had a good day at school, flirted with normal girls, had a normal basketball practice after and now he would go home to his Normal parents that would be waiting to have a normal dinner just as they do every night...except on weekends of course when he goes to parties like a normal 17 year old would...

I had never envied someone so much that my heart ached just thinking about how much different life would be if I was normal just as he was..

"You little bitch"!

I snapped my head up to see Phil swaying by the doorway to the kitchen. I could smell the liquor from all the way over here.

He began taking heavy wobbly steps towards me...

I felt myself shutting down. My brain quickly trying to save what little sanity I had left..

I see Phil Sneer at me then backhand me accros the face..

And I feel it.

The blood trickling down my nose, trailing down my lips to my chin..

This was not an accident.

This hurt.

This was not normal.

This was my life.

This was the last thing I remember before I blacked out.

~.~.~.~.~.~

I felt cool tile under me.

I shivered, and curled into myself.

My eyes were closed. And I willed them to open. It was dark and I waited until my eyes focused.

Feeling my dry lips I licked them and I tasted the blood on them...

After that first blow my mind had shut down..just as it did every time.

I felt tears fall from face onto the cold tile.

Why can't I remember! Stupid brain, did my body really think i would be better off not knowing what happened?

I need to know! I hated being put in the dark by my own body. was it supposed to be a relief that I dont remember what happened next?

I pushed myself up into a sitting position, and then I stood up. Balancing myself on the counter. I felt the throbbing in my abdomen and on my wrist. I looked at the mark on my wrist first.. Phills hand, marked onto my skin. I rubbed it absent mindlessly.

I just wanted to know! Was that to much to ask for? Not knowing what happened...forgetting...blacking out? Shouldn't I be happy that I don't know the horrible things that took place?

NO.

I deserved to know! Its not fair, that my memory is also taken from me..bo madder how horrible they might be... its not fair, that I wake up scared, unknowing and helpless as to what happened after my mind forces me into to unconsciousness.

I hated myself for this.

I was weak and my mind and body reminded me of this every time I blacked out..

I shook my head, clearing it and looked around the kitchen. Just as I suspected, it was a mess.

Two plates and food all over the table, an empty wine glass, garbage overflowing, broken wine glass a foot away, red wine from the glass on the tile.

I sighed quietly and got to work. I walked towards the table and pain shot through me. I hissed and cradled my stomach. I can't think about this now. I have to clean. I pushed the pain aside and picked up the plates. Yet it hurt so bad, my eyes began to blur and I tears overflow. But I didn't care. I worked past the pain. By the time I finished I was practically dry heaving.. I was getting to loud and as much as I tried I could stop I couldn't.

I turned to look at the time but did a double take on the trash.

I stalked towards it, a sob escaping me and a fresh set of hot tears sliped down my cheecks..

I picked up the trash and tied the bag in a knot.

I forced myself to make it out of the front door. After closing it quietly I put the bag down for a second and look up at the dark sky.

It must be 3am..I pull out my phone to check.

Its 4am...I was close.

I picked up the trash bag again and I felt pain jab at my side. I felt my knees giving out and a sob escape my mouth as I fall to my knees. I Breath deeply and will every ounce of energy I had left to pick my self back up. I draged the bag to the side of the house where the bins were...my arms soar from the their previous beating felt like they were going to fall off.

Happy tears came when I realized I had made it and I could now go inside to cry myself to sleep if only for an and hours or so..

I was halfway to the door when I remembered that it was now Tuesday.

The garbage trucks would come to collect at 7am.

I felt the frustration in me build..more tears now. The happy ones gone to be replaced with hatred.

"I...i..just want to be f..fucking NORMAL"! I stammered through my tears, and once again I was at my knees pulling at my hair.

And a fleeting thought that I had never before presented itself came out of my lips.

"I just wana die." Breaking down on my lawn, tearing out my hair, hyperventilating and broken is when I uttered words for the first time on my life.

I don't know how I did it but I pulled that dam bin onto the side of the road. I did it while crying, sobbing and stopping every two steps from the pain. But I did it. And as I made my way up the walkway and up the front steeps I turned back to look at the trash bin and I felt a watery smile come to my face. I did it.

as I was about to turn back my gaze lifted to the house across the street up to what I knew was Edwards bedroom. I assumed I would find a dark window...but what I saw instead made me freeze and my watery smile diminish.

There sitting on the window pane was Edward Cullen and he was staring right at me.

A/N: So, I hoped you guys liked it. I would really appreciate your feedback!
So please review!

~Bookworm~