Rated M for Underage Graphic Violence,Blood and Gore, Strong Language, Sexual Content, Mentions of Suicide. Some of these themes may be trauma triggers for some people so please treat with caution.
Disclaimer: I OWN NEITHER THE ORIGINAL MATERIAL NOR THE SONGS I USE. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT IS INTENDED. ALL MY STORIES ARE FOR FUN AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.
Cover picture: pin/517421444660018291/
"Touch my mouth and hold my tongue
I'll never be your chosen one
I'll be home safe and tucked away
Well, you can't tempt me if I don't see the day."
"Broken Crown" by Mumford & Sons
Levi entered the huge, extravagant ballroom. The room was decorated opulently with satin curtains, crystal mirrors and intricate chandeliers. From the walls it hung the banners for each division: green for The Military Police, red for The Garrison and blue for The Survey Corps.
He didn't want to be there. Some fat, snobbish aristocrat (that Levi didn't know) organized a masked ball in honor of 'the heroes that saved The Stohess District from the terrific titan'. All the divisions had been invited (even the cadets) to celebrate this victory. Levi knew this was a big lie, that the stupid noble just wanted to gain influence and popularity by 'being the hero that supports the heroes'. Still, he was required to attend and wear a mask. Erwin had insisted he'd wear a custom made one, but Levi opted for the standard mask given to every cadet. It was a cheap, clay thing that covered the entire face. The colors were blue, green or red (depending on the affiliation) and had the sigil of one of the three divisions engraved on the forehead.
Levi sat quietly with his back against a ceramic column and a glass of wine in his hand, his mind was elsewhere. Everyone that didn't fight the battle said it was a victory, but the rest knew what it really was: a massacre. 60% of the soldiers had died in the outskirts and 15% later in the city. Countless casualties both military and civil and half a district destroyed, all just so they couldn't study the damn monster. His team had died too... because of his wrong judgment. How many had died because of a wrong decision? how many more will die before he can't bear their deaths anymore? how many defeats do they have to face until they lose all hope?
Levi's trail of thought was interrupted when he heard a name he hadn't known for more than 20 years, 'Kenny Ackerman'. The captain frantically looked around searching for the man that had raised him. Levi spotted what he thought was Kenny near the entrance, the man had just arrived. He wore a leather duster with the Military Police uniform underneath, a bowler hat with a green band around it and a black grim reaper mask. 'How peculiar of Kenny the Reaper' Levi thought. He headed unconsciously towards him. Kenny saw him approaching and stood still for a moment before spotting the name tag on Levi's uniform.
"Yo, Rivaille, you grew up!" Levi's eyes widened as he tried to back off, but Kenny stopped him with a crushing hug. To an outsider it looked like a warm embrace, but Levi's breath hitched realizing his mistake.
"I believe congratulations are in order." the man continued without waiting for Levi's answer "After all this party is in your honor, ain't it? 'The heroes that saved The Stohess District' " Kenny exclaimed with mocking fervor. Levi was passing the glass from one hand to another to calm his nerves.
"An you!" Kenny continued shaking Levi's shoulder as to congratulate him " 'Humanity's strongest soldier', you've come a long way since licking your wounds in some dark, filthy alley." Levi was feeling sick, but he didn't know if it was because of the shaking or the man's sharp words, maybe both. Kenny's tone turned grave when he spoke again:
"I've read the report. 60% deaths, countless civil casualties and half a district destroyed and they call you heroes!" he tsked. "And you! the best humanity has to offer and yet your whole squad is DEAD! don't you dare believe for one second that you are innocent just because your goal is 'noble'. I know your division's motto 'change comes with sacrifice'. Doesn't that sound romantic now?! Call it whatever makes you sleep better at night, 'sacrifice', 'a necessary evil', 'bravery', because it's the same damn thing, MURDER and you know it and allow it, don't you, Rivaille?!"
Levi was shaking. The mask was suffocating him and Kenny's hand on his shoulder made him feel like a child again. Doubt and fear had once again crept in mind urging the captain to ask Kenny the question that had been haunting him for 20 years.
"Why did you abandon me back there?" Levi said in a hushed voice.
"Because you were weak!"
He was 10 when he first fought in the pit. What was a pit? The pit was special, it was living, breathing; a symbiotic organism with a hive mind, never fixed, always shifting. People would gather round in circles drunk and drugged placing bets, cheering and swearing. Whores and cripples dotted the lines looking for a way to earn their living. Hounds and people would usually fight in the arena and on special occasions boars and wolves.
Levi was standing in the center of the arena looking positively frightened. He glanced to his right where his mentor, Kenny, was standing to the side. Fighters were treated like slaves, they had no rights, so they needed a mentor, a respectable or despicable person of higher rank to cash in gains. Levi looked back to his opponent in front of him. He was a scrawny, filthy boy, with greasy hair and ragged clothes no different than other orphans. His face, though, is what surprised Levi. A deep, nasty claw scar ran across his face from his right eyebrow to his cheek. Instead of his right eye, there was an infected, dark cavity with swollen, rotten flesh. And then there was his look, filled with pure hatred, ready to kill or be killed.
The gong rang. Levi had a moment of hesitation when he thought of fleeing, but his opponent fierce cry bought him back to the present moment. The boy rushed at Levi and easily dodged his fist before digging a knee into his chest knocking the air out of him. He didn't have to recover as the kid grabbed a fistful of hair and landed another knee into his ribs and a punch to his jaw for safe measure. He lifted Levi up by his hair enjoying the way his opponent writhed and shrieked in pain. Still, his sadistic smirk slowly faded as his adversary continued to struggle; something in the way Levi scratched helplessly to his hand pleading and crying, all dignity forgotten in favor of survival, made him feel embarrassed, made him remember and made him angry. He grabbed Levi's neck with his free hand and then pulled. Pulled his hair out. Levi cried out as the kid discarded him to the ground like a broken toy. Levi's cries didn't reach him this time, instead the boy watched with sick fascination the flock of hair, skin and blood in his hand.
"You're weak." he said in a calm, resolute voice as if reaching a conclusion.
"You're weak!" he snarled meeting eyes with Levi on the ground.
He threw the flock of hair at Levi before savagely leaping on him and grabbing his neck with both hands. He dug his nails underneath Levi's mandible and used his big thumbs to press the windpipe. He saw Levi futilely pull at his hands, squirming and choking, but his struggles seem only to fuel his rage even more as he gripped tighter and repeatedly hit Levi's head against the ground.
"You're weak!"
Thud. Another hit.
"Weak, mongrel!"
Thud. And another.
"Weak! WEAK! WEAK!"
Over and over again.
Levi could feel the hard stone and the sand grazing against his fresh wound, but the pain only seem to dull as the hitting continued. His vision started to blur and his grip began to falter. 'This is it." he thought "This is the end, I'm really going to die!" For whatever reason in that moment he reminisced how his mother had died. She beckoned him when she was close to death and told him "Rivaille, it won't be long before I die and you'll be all alone." He was still young when it happened so he naïvely asked "How does dying fell like?" She managed a weak smile "It feels like falling asleep, only that you don't wake up anymore." His mother had died the very same night. Three days had passed before Levi realized that she wouldn't be waking up anymore. That was the moment when his nightmares had started. He would die every night when falling asleep and would resurrect every morning screaming.
He stupidly thought that this time was the same, that he would trick death if he screamed hard enough, so he did, but his screams were empty and death was still lingering besides him. "Don't die!" he said to himself as if thinking it would make it real. He could faintly hear his opponent's cries and his own at the same time "Weak!", 'Don't die!', "WEAK, WEAK, WEAK!", "DON'T DIE!" each repeating his own mantra.
He let go of the boys hands and frantically searched to his side for something to pick up. He found a blunt rock and smashed it with all his might to the boy's face right on his only good eye. He heard a crunch and felt the blood dripping on his face and chest. Still the grip persisted so he continued smashing, two, three times, he was free now. His opponent's screams were feral and his eyeless, bloody face made him look like a twisted, perverse ghoul. Levi gave a savage growl and knocked him down. He continued smashing his face over and over again until all that remained was a heap of skin, bones and blood all mingled with the dirt. Levi collapsed near the corpse and looked to his right where Kenny should be. He saw his bowler hat disappearing into the crowd as Kenny walked away. The last thing he heard before losing conscience were his opponent's words ringing in his head "Weak, mongrel, WEAK!".
Eren was at the party hiding behind a pillar afraid of what would happen if the Military Police were to stumble upon him. That was where Mikasa and Armin had found him after an hour of searching. All the Survey Corps cadets (including Eren) wore the same bland blue mask and add to the fact that Eren was actively trying to keep a low profile made the mission all the more tedious. No matter what they tried (Mikasa had even brought Eren a glass of wine to help him calm his nerves) Eren wouldn't come out of the hiding, so in the end they decided to stay there with him.
Armin seemed to think that Eren's concerns were unfounded as nobody would be able to track him at a masked ball. Despite Armin's reasonable assumption, Hange had somehow managed to see right through them, sneaked behind them and greeted the group.
" Professor Hange! how did you find us?!" they shrieked in surprise.
"You're the only one at the party trying to hide so this makes you the only suspicious thing around here." Said Hange wearing a titan mask. 'Of course only the professor would be oblivious enough to wear something like that in front of the Military Police' Eren thought.
"I-I, umm, should go." Eren tried to back off, but Hange grabbed his shoulder.
"Relax, nobody is going to try something with all the Survey Corps gathered in one room, besides you're not the only one not enjoying this party." Hange nodded towards Levi that was similarly leaning against a pillar near the entrance. "The only difference is that our captain is doing a better job at hiding it." Eren smiled apologetically.
"Captain Levi dislikes parties?" Armin interjected. It should have been obvious, but they knew so little about him that any potential detail mattered.
"Captain Levi dislikes most things, especially parties." Hange laughed "Although I believe his bad mood tonight is due to another reason." All three looked curious, but nobody dared to ask for details.
"It's not the first time Levi loses his entire team." Hange's voice turned mournful.
"First time?" Mikasa hadn't intended to speak up, but the professor didn't seem to notice her indiscretion. Hange stood still for a second considering the question before leaning in as if sharing a secret.
"How much do you know about your captain's past?"
"We know that he used to be a thug before joining the Corps" Armin provided "but that's about it."
"A thug? I guess that's about right, just don't say that in front of him." Hange took a deep breath before continuing. "Levi used to be the leader of a band of thieves in the Underground District. He and two others, Farlan and Isabel, joined the Survey Corps just before the 23rd Expedition Beyond the Walls as part of a contract to kill Erwin and steal some documents. They-"
"K-Kill Erwin?!" the three of them exclaimed in unison.
"Yes, though I didn't know it at the time, only Erwin had known from the very beginning. " Hange continued unfazed. "Anyway, they all possessed exceptional talents as part of Erwin's plan to reform the division by recruiting unconventional individuals. Still expeditions are cruel mistresses and out of the three only Levi survived. The loss of his team affected him greatly. He was so listless that no one thought he would survive another expedition. Still one week after the incident Erwin took him to one side and managed to knock some sense into him. That was the one and only time I saw Levi in such a state. To this day I still don't know the specifics of how Erwin managed to do such a thing, I talked to both of them, but neither disclosed anything." Hange paused and looked at each of their faces in turn. They all seemed unsettled by this revelation, but neither said anything.
"After that Levi decided to leave the underground life behind and follow Erwin. Erwin continued to support Levi whenever necessary and Levi continued to dutifully follow him ever since. I think-" Hange took the time to look at Eren's expression before continuing. The veteran wondered if the boy would understand what they were about to reveal next.
"I think Levi views Erwin as a guiding light, sort of. No matter what happens around Levi, it's a comfort having Erwin who will never waver and keep moving forward. Someone who understands the same pain as you, someone who has the same ambitions as you and someone who will keep guiding you to your destination. I fear that if one day something were to happen to Erwin, Levi won't be able to recover again. He believes in you, Eren, trusts you, maybe not as much as Erwin, but in time, he will. If anything happens to Erwin, you have to take his role, become his beacon, you can't let him fall to despair."
"What?! me? no, no way! the captain doesn't trust me, he thinks I'm an idiot, he probably hates me by now since it's my fault his team died, again. Why would he confess to the person responsible for his grief?!" Eren's shoulders were shaking and his voice began to crack. He tried to back off before he would start crying, but Hange grabbed his shoulder for the second time that evening.
"How do you know that? did he tell you that he hates you?"
"Of course the captain hates me, why wouldn't he?!" Eren forcefully pulled his shoulder, but Hange didn't let him go, not yet.
"Have you actually asked him or did you jump to this conclusion and then blamed yourself for it?"
Eren was about to ask Hange to let go of him when he heard glass shattering. They all turned around and saw Levi pull away from a man with a grim reaper mask and a bowler hat. There was spilled wine and broken glass scattered at Levi's feet and the captain seemed distressed. He looked around realizing others were watching before turning to the man with the grim reaper mask and stiffly bowing to him. The man dismissed him with a mocking wave of his hand and Levi left the ballroom. People started chatting after the captain left no doubt gossiping.
"Go after him." Hange urged Eren.
"What? no! haven't you seen what happened?"
"Precisely because I did, I ask this of you, Eren, he needs someone to talk to right now."
"Why would he talk to me and what would I say? why shouldn't commander Erwin go to him?"
"Because Erwin is a commander attending a official meeting, people are watching him too, he can't do as he pleases." Hange nodded towards Erwin who was speaking to the Commander-in-Chief Darius Zackly. "Levi knows this too, that's why he didn't cause a commotion and instead chose to apologize, both their action affect public's opinion concerning The Survey Corps. But you're a cadet, nobody would notice you sneaking out. "
"Still why me? you've known the captain since he first arrived, why don't you go talk to him? you would probably know better what to say than I do."
"Maybe, but I know for a fact that Levi wouldn't open up to me. Besides I'm the interim commander, like Erwin I can't leave without raising suspicion. Which leaves you the only one fit for this mission."
"Come on, Eren! what could you possibly lose by doing this?" Armin tried to reason with him.
Eren looked to the three of them. They all seemed to agree that he should go, even Mikasa, though Eren didn't know if she actually agreed with the idea or just obeyed her superior. He sighed in defeat.
"Fine, but I make no promises." He turned around and left before waiting for their answers.
Eren entered the balcony warily; the area was off-limits to guests and the Military Police wasn't known to be kind to trespassers, especially the ones that can shift into a titan. Tonight was a full moon and the light revealed every corner of the balcony. He spotted captain Levi across the balcony sitting on the stone railing with his back against the wall. He had one foot propped up to support his hand which was holding a cigar. Eren didn't remember to ever see the captain so casual or smoking; right now he looked more like a man and less like the soldier he knew . Eren was debating whether to go to him or not when he heard Levi:
"You're not supposed to be here." Eren froze searching for an explanation. Before he could answer though, he heard a voice coming from the door and hid behind one of the many trees in pots on the balcony.
"Neither are you." It was Erwin who answered. Eren frowned looking at his captain who hadn't as much as turned his head. He was almost sure the remark was addressed to him, but the commander didn't see him either, did they really not notice or were they ignoring him? 'He still came' the thought crossed Eren's mind as he watched the commander approach Levi.
"It would seem we are both undisciplined." Edwin provided, seating himself near Levi on the edge of the railing. He noted the crimson ribbon wrapped around his forearm.
"Hmm, the Ackerman clan mark." the commander pointed to the ribbon "I haven't see you wear this since Farlan's and Isabel's death." Levi flinched looking at Erwin for the first time since he arrived. "Smoking too" he continued, extending his arm for Levi to pass the cigar. Levi did so mechanically, his mind obviously elsewhere. Erwin inhaled on the tobacco roll, it tasted bitter.
"It is supposed to hide the clan's secrets, is it not?"
" I wonder" Erwin continued, taking the ribbon between his thumb and forefinger and nudging it tentatively " what secrets do you hide, Rivai?" the soft material came off easily. He played with the delicate silk while watching Levi. He didn't resist when the commander unwrapped the band, but clearly tensed hearing the question.
"You still can't get my name right." he sounded irritated.
"My name is Erwin Smith. And yours is?" Erwin said kneeling in the filthy puddle.
"Rivaille." he answered after a long pause.
"Rivai" the blonde tried unsuccessfully.
"Rii-vaii, how hard can it be to pronounce a name properly?!" Levi scowled. Mike had to yank the handcuffs to stop him. His prisoner sneered irritated by his current predicament. Erwin tried the name again without much more success.
"How about I call you Levi, is that alright?" the man smiled, but Levi could see how fake it was. It made him feel even more sick and furious. He stared at the soldier determined not to answer his pretentious question. Mike yanked his hair urging him to speak.
"Whatever!" Levi spited through his teeth.
"Good." Erwin continued unfazed.
'They are so going to pay for this! the elitist son of a bitch and his dog. When the time comes, he will enjoy torturing them, slowly, painfully.'
"You're avoiding the question." Erwin pressed.
"I do not like this mask." Levi said quietly. The commander narrowed his eyes since Levi had dodged the question once again. He considered pointing it out, but touched his mask instead. It was a black ebony mask covering the eyes and forehead. The Wings of Freedom were engraved at the center in red gold. The bloody sigil reminded Levi of the sacrifice one must make as a member of the Survey Corps.
"Should I take it off?" Erwin offered.
"Yes. No." Levi frowned, confused by his own indecision, he took a deep breath. "These masks keep us sane" a moment passed "and honest." he continued in a low voice. His eyes were glistering.
"Do they?" Erwin chuckled. "Then we can't have you without a mask." He brought the crimson ribbon to Levi's eyes, but paused seeing the man hesitating, avoiding eye-contact. Despite that, Levi didn't back off so Edwin continued and tied the soft material to the back of his head, blindfolding him. He moved back to watch Levi head to toe. The man was still resting his back to the wall, his head slightly tipped forward as if he wanted to cover his eyes with the strands of hair, but his eyes were already covered with the band. One could say that the captain was feeling mournful, which he did and Erwin knew, but he wasn't going to comfort him.
He took the cigar, inhaled from it one last time and threw it over the balcony knowing Levi wouldn't see this. There was a long pause while Levi was as still as a statue and Erwin thought maybe he'd fallen asleep. Then he heard it, so low, the blonde could have missed it, if he wasn't paying attention.
"Thank you." Levi said in a still, small voice. Erwin smiled, genuinely, too bad Levi couldn't see it.
"Now that we both have a mask, will you tell me your secrets?"
"You already know too many." Levi noted detached. The mask made him indifferent, giving him the illusion that he could face anything without any repercussions.
Erwin was vexed for having given Levi the weapon to face him. The only thing that usually showed his true emotions were his eyes, which Erwin had now covered. But he didn't mind, after all he liked a challenge and Levi was the biggest challenge he's faced and been facing even since.
"I want to know them all." he whispered softly to the man's ear. Levi's head jerked up, startled. He took a moment to take in Erwin presence, so close that he could smell cologne and tobacco smoke that clung to the blonde. It brought back memories. He turned his head enough to know that he was facing Erwin, noses almost touching.
"You are too arrogant for your own good, Erwin, it will get you killed some day." Levi answered casually, matter-of-factly. Erwin backed off laughing darkly. Well that was an interesting twist.
"At least I die a free death, of my own choosing, how many people can say that?"
"Most people don't want to die."
"But, you're not like most people, are you, Levi?" Erwin spelled his name with a hint of ridicule. Levi stopped in his tracks, considering a retort. What he said though, surprised the blonde.
"I can't die while you're still alive." Levi said with determination. Erwin smiled satisfied, he searched for a hint of regret in the man's voice or his body language, but he found none. None to his vow for Erwin, that is, he knew Levi had many regrets, to his friends, his squad, all of them dead. He leaned in, grabbing Levi's nape, scratching the skin with nails.
"I can make you forget, Rivaille." he whispered a low growl in his ear. His voice was sinful, it made Levi shudder. "I can make you forget" he continued unbuttoning Levi's shirt half way. "About Oluo Bozado and Gunther Schultz and Eld Jinn" he whispered their names to Levi's collarbone using his nails to leave a mark on his nape for each member of his team. "and Petra Ral." he finished, pressing his nail to skin so hard that Levi was sure he drew blood. The marks, their names, the promise, it was all overwhelming. It made him feel euphoric, made him recall the first time it had happened and he wondered again if this was real or an illusion woven by Erwin.
A/N: Hi there. Been a long time since I've written something, haha. Thought it's time I pay my tribute to the Mistress of Fanfiction. I wrote this story as an analysis of Levi's and Erwin's relationship and my (albeit poor) attempt at a character deconstruction story focused on Levi. This story wouldn't have been possible without my beta's constant nagging to whom I dedicate this (even though she is an ereri shipper).
Slow start, I know, not much eruri this chapter, but I plan to rectify this next chapter which will be a flashback about the origin of their relationship when Levi first joined the Survey Corps.
And with that I leave you, thanks for reading and see you next time.