Title: Sacrifice
Author: Kat
Distribution: Go ahead, I guess. Just ask first, please.
Feedback: Please, but don't be nasty, or I'll cry.
Summery: Tara's inner monologue while Willow is out with Oz in 'New Moon Rising'
Disclaimer: Not mine. Joss created them (although I think I should get some credit, because Tara is based on the results of Joss spying on me) *G*
Dedication: For Stephie, who wanted me to start writing fanfic in the first place.
*******************************************************************
She's gone. He came back, and now my Willow is gone. No, not *my* Willow, never *my* Willow. His Willow. Someone else's Willow. Not mine. I always knew she couldn't be, but I was starting to hope… No, stupid, Tara! Of course she was never yours. But I was hers. Am hers, always hers. Never mine. Always hers. Goddess, it hurts. I know it's what she wants, I'm so happy for her, but it hurts! I love her so much, I know it's the best thing. I can never show her how much this hurts me. She cares for me, in a friendly way, I know she does. It would hurt her, make her unhappy if she knew. I don't think I could bear it if she was unhappy. Isn't that odd? I can ache to have her here with me, ache to have her *with* me, the way I know she'd never want to be, and I'm ok. I can hurt so bad I think I might never stop, and I know I'll be able to handle it. But if she were hurt, I think I would die. Be careful, Willow. My heart is yours, you'd better not get hurt, or I will too.
Does she know? I tried so hard to hide it, but maybe she saw anyway. Does she know how I long to touch her, to stroke her beautiful hair? Does she see how much I want to hold her, not just to comfort her or support her, but just to be close to her? She smells like magic, and books, and strawberry shampoo. Strangely fitting, that a redhead uses strawberry shampoo. I can't get enough of that Willow smell. And now she's gone.
She'll come back, of course. We'll still be friends. But I won't even be able to pretend I had a chance anymore. My heart will break every time I look at her. And I'll still want to see her, because she's everything to me. Without her, my life would be empty; fruitless longing is better than emptiness. I need her, even though it hurts. Is this what an addict feels like? Longing for something that hurts them? I can't even cry. Isn't that strange? I'm too happy for her that she can be with the one she loves to cry because I'm not that one. I must be in it deep if I can hurt this bad and not cry. You know you love someone when her happiness makes your pain totally insignificant. Goddess, it hurts. I must be insane. I'd rather hurt so bad I can't even breathe now than not have fallen in love with her. People in love are the biggest masochists on the face of the planet. And probably bigger than in other dimensions, too.
I think it's better this way. It wasn't healthy for me, pretending. Pretending she might love me. Thinking that when I looked into her eyes, I saw mine reflected. Thinking the one time I lost control and kissed her that she wanted it as much as I did, just because it didn't freak her out. She's so good to me, to tell me it was ok, and mean it. To not look at me strangely after that, once she knew I was attracted to her. Did she see more than that? Does she know it wasn't just a casual, try-it-out-and-see- how-it-feels kiss, but a slip in my constant effort not to do what I've been longing so much to do since we met? I don't know. I was starting to think she might, and might feel the same way, but of course I was just living in a dream and desperately trying to not ever wake up. Now I'm awake. She wants him. She always has, and I set myself up for this.
I'm glad the power went out. It fits my mood, to sit here in the darkness. Just look out the window and watch all the happy couples walking… No, Tara, don't torture yourself. Look at the stars. Let the stars speak to you. My mother always said the stars had a voice every witch could understand if she listened. Do the stars love? Do they understand my pain? I think they do. It helps, a little, to have the stars for company. They understand. They're telling me it'll get better soon. Soon… The knock on my door startles me. It takes me a second to come back to myself, then I shake off the last of the starlight and go to the door. My heart almost stops when I see that it's Willow. Goddess, she's so beautiful, lit by the candle she holds. She give me a look when she sees my room is dark; "What, no candles?" I shake my head. How can I tell her that I wanted to sit in the dark? "Well, I brought one. It's extra flamey." I love how she makes up words like that. It's one of so many wonderfully cute things that I love about her.
I step back to let her in. Her face is cloudy. I know what's coming. I've been bracing for it all night. Trying to think how I can tell her it's ok; she hasn't hurt me, when I'm a terrible liar. "Tara, I have to tell you…" But I can't bear to hear her say it, for some reason. I've known it was coming all along, I thought I was prepared but now I don't remember all the things I thought of to say. And my stutter comes out. "No, I-I-I understand. You have to be with the person you l-love." And Willow smiles. She's so happy to be with him again, so happy to have me for a friend who can be happy for her. "I am." There, it's out. She wants to be with Oz, not me, and I accept that, have spent all evening accepting… What? No, that can't be right. I couldn't have heard what I think I just heard, it must have just been me living in my dream again. She can't mean she wants to be with me… But there she is, smiling that wonderful Willowy smile I love so much at me; at *me*, and there is love there (can I just be imaging?) but I don't think I am. Suddenly, my world explodes into radiance, and without even trying, I can hear the stars sing… "You mean?" hardly daring to believe it. "I mean," she says, still smiling. "Okay?" and now she's unsure. Okay? Is she serious? She's just handed me the world, said the only thing I never thought she'd ever say, I'm flying, I can't even think how I feel, 'happy' is galaxies below how I feel and she asks Okay?!?!? "Oh, yes…" I didn't even know it was possible to feel this good, this alive. And then she's kissing me- kissing *me*, and I know it's what she wants too because if she didn't, her wonderful, soft lips would not be touching mine, since I've just been standing here in shock since she said those astonishing words I'd never dared hope to hear… This must be what heaven is like.
Author: Kat
Distribution: Go ahead, I guess. Just ask first, please.
Feedback: Please, but don't be nasty, or I'll cry.
Summery: Tara's inner monologue while Willow is out with Oz in 'New Moon Rising'
Disclaimer: Not mine. Joss created them (although I think I should get some credit, because Tara is based on the results of Joss spying on me) *G*
Dedication: For Stephie, who wanted me to start writing fanfic in the first place.
*******************************************************************
She's gone. He came back, and now my Willow is gone. No, not *my* Willow, never *my* Willow. His Willow. Someone else's Willow. Not mine. I always knew she couldn't be, but I was starting to hope… No, stupid, Tara! Of course she was never yours. But I was hers. Am hers, always hers. Never mine. Always hers. Goddess, it hurts. I know it's what she wants, I'm so happy for her, but it hurts! I love her so much, I know it's the best thing. I can never show her how much this hurts me. She cares for me, in a friendly way, I know she does. It would hurt her, make her unhappy if she knew. I don't think I could bear it if she was unhappy. Isn't that odd? I can ache to have her here with me, ache to have her *with* me, the way I know she'd never want to be, and I'm ok. I can hurt so bad I think I might never stop, and I know I'll be able to handle it. But if she were hurt, I think I would die. Be careful, Willow. My heart is yours, you'd better not get hurt, or I will too.
Does she know? I tried so hard to hide it, but maybe she saw anyway. Does she know how I long to touch her, to stroke her beautiful hair? Does she see how much I want to hold her, not just to comfort her or support her, but just to be close to her? She smells like magic, and books, and strawberry shampoo. Strangely fitting, that a redhead uses strawberry shampoo. I can't get enough of that Willow smell. And now she's gone.
She'll come back, of course. We'll still be friends. But I won't even be able to pretend I had a chance anymore. My heart will break every time I look at her. And I'll still want to see her, because she's everything to me. Without her, my life would be empty; fruitless longing is better than emptiness. I need her, even though it hurts. Is this what an addict feels like? Longing for something that hurts them? I can't even cry. Isn't that strange? I'm too happy for her that she can be with the one she loves to cry because I'm not that one. I must be in it deep if I can hurt this bad and not cry. You know you love someone when her happiness makes your pain totally insignificant. Goddess, it hurts. I must be insane. I'd rather hurt so bad I can't even breathe now than not have fallen in love with her. People in love are the biggest masochists on the face of the planet. And probably bigger than in other dimensions, too.
I think it's better this way. It wasn't healthy for me, pretending. Pretending she might love me. Thinking that when I looked into her eyes, I saw mine reflected. Thinking the one time I lost control and kissed her that she wanted it as much as I did, just because it didn't freak her out. She's so good to me, to tell me it was ok, and mean it. To not look at me strangely after that, once she knew I was attracted to her. Did she see more than that? Does she know it wasn't just a casual, try-it-out-and-see- how-it-feels kiss, but a slip in my constant effort not to do what I've been longing so much to do since we met? I don't know. I was starting to think she might, and might feel the same way, but of course I was just living in a dream and desperately trying to not ever wake up. Now I'm awake. She wants him. She always has, and I set myself up for this.
I'm glad the power went out. It fits my mood, to sit here in the darkness. Just look out the window and watch all the happy couples walking… No, Tara, don't torture yourself. Look at the stars. Let the stars speak to you. My mother always said the stars had a voice every witch could understand if she listened. Do the stars love? Do they understand my pain? I think they do. It helps, a little, to have the stars for company. They understand. They're telling me it'll get better soon. Soon… The knock on my door startles me. It takes me a second to come back to myself, then I shake off the last of the starlight and go to the door. My heart almost stops when I see that it's Willow. Goddess, she's so beautiful, lit by the candle she holds. She give me a look when she sees my room is dark; "What, no candles?" I shake my head. How can I tell her that I wanted to sit in the dark? "Well, I brought one. It's extra flamey." I love how she makes up words like that. It's one of so many wonderfully cute things that I love about her.
I step back to let her in. Her face is cloudy. I know what's coming. I've been bracing for it all night. Trying to think how I can tell her it's ok; she hasn't hurt me, when I'm a terrible liar. "Tara, I have to tell you…" But I can't bear to hear her say it, for some reason. I've known it was coming all along, I thought I was prepared but now I don't remember all the things I thought of to say. And my stutter comes out. "No, I-I-I understand. You have to be with the person you l-love." And Willow smiles. She's so happy to be with him again, so happy to have me for a friend who can be happy for her. "I am." There, it's out. She wants to be with Oz, not me, and I accept that, have spent all evening accepting… What? No, that can't be right. I couldn't have heard what I think I just heard, it must have just been me living in my dream again. She can't mean she wants to be with me… But there she is, smiling that wonderful Willowy smile I love so much at me; at *me*, and there is love there (can I just be imaging?) but I don't think I am. Suddenly, my world explodes into radiance, and without even trying, I can hear the stars sing… "You mean?" hardly daring to believe it. "I mean," she says, still smiling. "Okay?" and now she's unsure. Okay? Is she serious? She's just handed me the world, said the only thing I never thought she'd ever say, I'm flying, I can't even think how I feel, 'happy' is galaxies below how I feel and she asks Okay?!?!? "Oh, yes…" I didn't even know it was possible to feel this good, this alive. And then she's kissing me- kissing *me*, and I know it's what she wants too because if she didn't, her wonderful, soft lips would not be touching mine, since I've just been standing here in shock since she said those astonishing words I'd never dared hope to hear… This must be what heaven is like.