All He Ever Wanted
Pairing: Kendall/Logan, one-sided Kenlos
Rating: T
Summary: He has dedicated his life into making the one person he is in love with the happiest he could ever be. AU.
Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.
A/N: I have no idea where this even came from, but hey I managed to do two one-shots within two weeks and that's a new accomplishment for me! :D And there might even be a third coming. Really considering writing a sequel to this because I don't want to leave Carlos where I did, because that's not where I wanted him to go, it sort of just happened and now I feel all ehh… I probably sound so vague right now so I'll let you read to see what I'm talking about. Reviews are greatly appreciated. :)
October 8, 2015; 4:38 p.m.
For Kendall, unconditional love means loving someone despite everything. Come hell or high water, you stand by the one you love because you won't let anything tear the two of you apart, ever.
And ever since he's had Logan, that's the only type of love he knows to give. It's the only type he will give, for the rest of his life.
He could only hope that Logan promises the same.
He and Logan were by no means the perfect couple. They have had their share of arguments and have reached several low points in their relationship, but Kendall would like to consider those moments that seemed like shit to be what has made them all-the-more stronger together. They have been a couple for over three years despite all that's happened because they have both managed to moved past them, and if that's not unconditional love then Kendall doesn't know what is.
Besides, he can't linger on their imperfections as a couple on this day. Especially not on this day.
Kendall inhales deeply, taking a look at himself in his tuxedo through a mirror, fixing his bow tie slightly. It's the biggest day of his life; it would be weird if he's not nervous. He briefly wonders if Logan is fairing any better than he is.
"You ready, groom number one?" James comes bursting through the door and Kendall jumps, choking on the air he kept in.
Kendall takes a moment to catch his breath. "Yeah," he replies weakly.
James looks at him with scrutinizing eyes. "I'm sensing no. Dude, you've got like, twenty minutes. You need to just shake it off."
"Shut up. I'm ready." Kendall responds, trying to sound as calm as possible.
"Whatever you say, bro."
"Is everyone here?"
James hesitates, "Well…"
"That's a no. Who's not here?!" Kendall snaps.
"Dude, chill!"
"James, tell me, who's not here?" Kendall asks sternly.
"It's Carlos, okay? He said he might not be able to make it to the wedding in time. But he says he'll definitely make it to the reception."
"Wait, what? Why?"
"Something about a family emergency or... something."
"Why didn't he call me?!"
"I don't know," James shrugs, "Guess he didn't want to deliver bad news to the groom himself? You know Carlos, he doesn't like disappointing people."
"That's…true. But still!"
"Look, he said he was sorry. Dude. Why are you freaking out? Worst case scenario, we're short one groomsman. Carlos is the least of your problems right now."
"He could've at least… wait, what do you mean by problems? Plural?!"
"Nothing the best man can't handle," and James gives a proud, accomplished smile and Kendall relaxes a bit. "Much better. Now I'll leave you to calm down a bit more while I go check on groom number two. That cool?"
Kendall relaxes some more before he smirks and replies, "Go ahead."
James bolts out of the room, and Kendall can't help but smile. He has to admit, James has been proving himself to be a very competent best man. Logan left the decision of choosing the best man to him and Kendall had originally intended to give the part to Carlos, but James was persistent in asking (it was more begging than asking) Kendall for the role, like it was an acting job of some sort and it was his last chance to become one. Carlos didn't put much of a fight and claimed he was perfectly fine giving the title to James. He told Kendall he wanted less to worry about anyway.
Well now Carlos had nothing to worry about at all, since he's not even here. He should've had the decency to call or texted him at the very least and not James because it is his wedding after all. Or telling Logan would have been fine too. But why tell James out of the three of them? It's true what James said about Carlos hating letting people down, but Kendall would have understood either way. He really just wishes he would be informed directly.
Kendall shakes his head. He doesn't want to dwell on the subject too much. He already has a lot to think and worry about. James is right. Carlos shouldn't be one of his concerns right now.
But he still wishes Carlos is there, at the very least giving his friend some support because that's right, he's getting married in a matter of minutes and could really use a friend to serve as a stronghold if Kendall were to snap. He doesn't think he will, he's been doing pretty well so far, but it would still be nice to have someone there, especially now that the minutes are dwindling down to mere seconds as five in the afternoon approaches.
He sends Carlos a quick message, makes sure he and his family are okay, asks if he really can make it later and leaves it at that. No more worrying.
Because soon he is about to marry Logan and he couldn't ask for anything more. It's everything he's ever wanted.
Two knocks on the door and James enters once more, this time slowly and with a serious look in his eyes. "It's time, Kendall."
October 8, 2015; 5:04 p.m.
Carlos tightly grips the steering wheel of his car as he releases a shaky breath and shuts his eyes. He has been in the same stupid parking lot for almost two hours, only dressed in a simple tee and jeans as opposed to the rented tux that is sitting in the back seat, mocking him almost.
He should be in that church, watching his two best friends walk down the aisle, confessing their love and swearing their lives to one another, putting in each other's fingers the rings that would bind them forever and having the perfect wedding.
But he can't get himself to. Not when he's been in love with Kendall.
He has sent James an excuse as to why he couldn't make it, some lame ass pretext that hopefully would not hold any suspicion and questions, especially from Kendall. He couldn't get himself to lie to Kendall so it's James that he informs, but it's still an indirect lie and Carlos feels all the guilt.
And Kendall has still sent him a message not too long ago, searching for answers and some reassurance that Carlos is okay. Carlos doesn't reply. He won't. It gives Carlos a hint of satisfaction thinking that Kendall might be worrying about him for once.
Carlos knows he should be deeply sorry for being so selfish, leaving Kendall on his big day, and Logan too for that matter, and on top of that for being a liar and not letting Kendall know that he simply could not get himself to attend, but fuck, is it really considered selfish if he just wanted to spare himself the pain of watching Kendall get married to someone that's not him? He's been there for Kendall through and for everything, and he'll be damned if there's a rule that says he's not allowed to leave him just this once.
He's made up his mind, turning the car engine on and setting it to drive. He'll leave. He already missed the beginning of the ceremony anyways; it's useless to show up now. And objecting to the marriage later on in the middle of the ceremony is too cliché and Carlos knows Kendall would not appreciate anything that would put a stop to the wedding. If anything, Kendall would get frustrated at Carlos for ruining what is meant to be one of the most important days of his life, and Carlos can't have that. He can't be the reason Kendall becomes upset. He has dedicated his life into making the one person he is in love with the happiest he could ever be. And if that meant Kendall marrying someone else, then so be it.
Because for Carlos, that's what unconditional love means, yielding every personal desire for the sake of the happiness of the one you love.
Carlos leaving is the best option. Kendall will still marry Logan, and Carlos doesn't have to witness it happen. He leaves with knowing that Kendall ends up happy, and for him that is enough. He's content. That's all he ever wanted.
He restrains himself from crying because there shouldn't be a reason for him to. But his vision soon blurs as the tears start to form and sting his eyes before they fall freely onto his lap. He ignores how he's driving at a considerably dangerous pace, just trying to get as far away from the church as fast as possible.
He'll miss the reception too, for good measure. He makes a mental note that he had made another indirect lie to Kendall, but now Carlos cares a bit less, the damage already done, the pain already too heavy.
He presses harder on the accelerator, his side of the road seemingly free from other vehicles. He takes a moment to wipe the tears from his eyes. He does not want to acknowledge that he's upset. He really is happy for him, for them, and wishes them the best.
He misses the slight right curve the road makes, making him unintentionally merge to the wrong side. The last he hears is the blaring horn from an oncoming car.
June 17, 2012; 1:14 p.m.
Carlos sighed.
Today was the day. He had summed up all the courage he could muster, and even though he didn't know what Kendall's response would be, he would've liked to think that he at least had the guts to say those three damned words to him and got it over with.
It's likely that Kendall won't reciprocate his feelings; it'd be almost ridiculous if he did. Kendall had never shown any type of affection to Carlos that can be described as more than brotherly love, and that's been somewhere along the lines of emotional turmoil for Carlos, but he had managed to keep his composure, especially when he was around Kendall.
Or... maybe Kendall would feel the same and Carlos would drift to the high heavens and be forever grateful that he took the risk of telling him.
It was wishful thinking, but Carlos really, really wanted the latter.
After all, he's done everything for Kendall. Every single favor he had asked, Carlos was more than willing to help. Every whim, every wish, every little thing Kendall has asked of him, Carlos has done it all. And although all Kendall gave him was a 'thanks' and 'you're the best' and his personal favorite, an occasional hug, Carlos took what he can get. Maybe when Carlos tells Kendall, he would finally see everything Carlos has done for him, and maybe, just maybe, he'd give Carlos a chance.
Carlos found Kendall alone in the lobby in the hotel they were currently staying, no sign of James and Logan around.
When Kendall caught sight of him, he hurried him over. "Carlos, you're here. Perfect."
It was either his ears had deceived him or that just sounded a bit too promising. "Yeah, I'm here. Did you need something?"
"Yes. I really need your help with something."
It was just another favor. He expected as much. "Sure thing. What do you need?" He had something really important to say, but Kendall needed him so it could wait. Anything for Kendall.
"I need you to help me ask out Logan."
Carlos managed a smile. "How can I help?" Anything for Kendall.