Title: Bad Day At the Office
Summary: Samara Morgan is stressed with her killing job. She battles sciatica and faces Linda Blaire.
Disclaimer: I don't own Ringu, The Ring, or The Exorcist or any of the other Horror icons mentioned here. I'm just a kid who has too much free time on her hands.
Sciatica: sciatica Attacks of muscular pain on back of thigh, lower back, or buttocks from irritation of the sciatic nerve.
It'd been a rough day. I had to kill three stoners, a bimbo, and two teens having sex all on the same hour. It seemed more kids were watching my tape in large groups. All this well climbing was not good for my sciatica. When I reached my apartment I plopped down on the couch to watch TV. Over my television set were all my awards. There was "Employee of the Month" for the Urban Legend Corporation, "Scariest Ghost" award, and "You Go Girl" award for the Women in Horror program. I worked harder than Freddy Krouger, Candyman, and Mike Myers combined on the scaring front. And I'm underage. Just seemed like people were more willing to watch a video to die these days. Nobody wanted to say Candyman five times in the mirror or sneak off into the dark creepy woods anymore. All the average idiot teen had to do was pop a tape in the machine and sit on their ass.
Well, I should talk. There I was on my duff watching some Jay and Silent Bob movie on TV when my phone rang. This is what fame has done to me. I'll soon end up like my Japanese friend Sadako who had to retire early and pass the job onto me. At least she wasn't starting puberty during her reign. She was already a teen while I was still trapped in an 11 year-old body. Not only that, but I had to make calls and do business like a 40 year old.
Anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah. So I was watching this movie when my phone rang. I leaned to reach the receiver when pain shot up my lower back. Damn sciatica. Despite the pain, I grabbed the phone anyway.
"Samara Morgan," I greeted while rubbing my lower back.
"Samara, I gotta job for you," a gruff voice on the other end said. It was my manager, Bogs. I sighed and tucked a long strand of hair behind my ear.
"Yes, Bogs?" I said reluctantly.
"Well, you gotta client tomorrow," he said.
"Uh-huh," I said about to chew my nails when I realized I didn't have nails anymore. To get the "scratching-out-of-the-well" look, I had to take them out.
"It's a Linda…um… Blaine, I think, of Georgetown in Washington D.C.," said Bogs.
I rustled through papers and old bags of Doritos to find a pen. When I got one I wrote what he told me on a piece of paper.
"Uh huh," I said, "And at what time?"
"Ummm…8:30," he said.
"8:30? You mean pm?"
"Yes."
I got up slowly so as not to hurt my back and trudged over to my schedule. I had an appointment at 8:30.
"Shit! I have to go to a dinner party with Leather Face and Jason at that time," I complained.
"Sorry, but business is business," said Bogs.
"But it's the Slasher convention! I cannot miss this-"
He already hung up on me. I growled and slammed the portable to the floor. All work and no play make Samara a dull girl. Why did I have to take the job from that bitch, Sadako? I thought to myself. For all I knew she was spending he time soaking up the sun in a tropic collecting her pension. Well, she needs sun, since she's so damn pale.
The next day I was at my doctor. She looked at me and said, "You know, you might wanna take a break. Your condition's getting worse."
"Try having a bunch of idiots watch your video," I told her, "I mean you'd think that making a movie about this on both sides of the pacific would prevent them from watching the tape. But nnooo, MORE people watch it."
"Then why don't you quit your job?" asked the doctor.
"Well, it pays the rent good and it's fun seeing the twisted faces they make as they die," I said.
"And the fame?"
"sigh It's alright. But it takes the thrill out of my job, ya know? I mean I come out of the well looking all scary and then someone goes 'Cool! You're real! Hey honey, come take my picture with the ring girl!'"
The doctor just nodded and wrote something on her notepad. That's when my beeper went off. I looked at it and saw that I needed to go see my next client in a half hour.
"Shit! Look, thanks doc, but I have to run," I said standing up.
"I wouldn't recommend-" she began
I turned and lifted my leg to run but then my ass muscle felt a twang of severe pain. I stiffened up.
"-that," she finished.
"Ooowww…" I whimpered.
I got back to my place to get ready. I went to my closet to change into my old white dress. Then I rushed (limped anyway) to the makeup cabinet to put the rotted looking stuff on my face and arms. Then I flipped over my long hair to put grease in it for the swampy effect. I obscured my face with my hair. I was set. Look out, Linda Blaine, I thought to myself.
As I climbed the well I tried not to let the pain in my butt muscle bother me. I was out of the well now walking towards the portal to get out of the TV. I went through the screen and crawled on all fours in that creepy, spider-like way. I was in a bedroom it seemed. My victim was surely lying in the bed. I rose up, menacing and ready for the kill when I saw who was before me.
At that moment all I could think was, Bogs, you lying shit.
Linda Blaine my ass. This was Linda Blaire. THE Linda Blaire. She was lying in bed filing her nails to a sharp point.
"You're late," she said.
I flicked my hair out of my face.
"What the hell?" I said.
She looked at me with her yellowed eyes and grinned at me with green teeth.
"Have a seat," she said pointing at the end of her bed.
"Oh hell no!" I said, "You're bed is stinks worse than my dog's grandma! What have you been eating, girl?"
Linda just rolled her eyes at me.
"And how'd you get my tape?" I asked.
"It was the only way I could get to you," she said, "We need to talk."
I folded my arms and asked, "Talk about what?"
"Our standards," she said.
I raised an eyebrow to make her explain.
She sighed and looked straight at me, "Look, I was the most popular horror preteen until YOU came along."
"What about the 'I see dead people' guy?" I asked.
"He doesn't count," she said, "He had HIS fifteen minutes till he wasn't cute anymore and his ass became huger than J.Lo's."
I thought about it for a moment, "Hmmmm…he does have a big can now, doesn't he?"
"Yes. But anyways, I think I need to show you who's boss."
Her yellow eyes began to turn an orange-red. She floated out of her bed with that demented look in her eye. The one that freaked the shit out of all her fans. Then she spewed green vomit all over me.
Don't get me wrong, I was pissed, but I had no energy to fight this chick. I whipped the green sick off my already sooty dress and said, "Dude, was that necessary?"
"Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" she seethed with her manly-devil voice. She often did this to get a rise out of her victims.
"Oh yeah? Yo mama is so fat, that when she went to see 'Star Wars' people thought she was dressed as Jabba the Hutt," I retorted.
"Oh no you di'nt!" she said snapping her fingers at me.
I snapped back. Soon, it turned into a snapping contest.
After a while, we stopped.
"Alright, this is silly and a waste of my time," I said. I headed back to the TV but she quickly blocked the way. As she stood there she laughed evilly and spun her head around. Then she looked at me with those maniacal eyes as the green puke seethed from her mouth.
"Ooooohh, scary," I said sarcastically.
"You mean you're not a bit afraid of me?" she said looking cross and disappointed.
"Look, lady, I AM fear" I said, "And I don't even come close to my friend Sadako, so please, don't try scaring me with your 'boogy-boogy' tricks."
I pushed her out of the way and was about to go through the screen when she shoved me against the wall.
"What the-!" I cried.
She started coming over to me, her fists raised.
"C'mon, bitch," she said, "Let's fight girl to girl. No supernatural powers."
I rolled my eyes.
"Oh please," I said, "This is ridic-"
But she punched me in the face. My cheek hurt like all hell and I staggered a little. I gave a chop to her throat and she gagged. I was about make a dash to the TV but then she flipped me over judo style. I fell on my back with an audible CRACK that sounded through the room. I thought that this was definitely not good for my condition. But the most amazing thing happened…
I sat up and felt my back and butt. No pain! No tension! My sciatica was healed!
"My back…" I said, "It feels great! OH THANK YOU!"
I leaped onto Linda and gave her a big kiss.
"ACK!" she cried. She pushed me off and whipped her lips. She spat and said, "NASTY! All right, you win! Just get out of here and don't kiss me ever again!"
I jumped into the TV screen and skipped along to the well. Hooray! I thought to myself. I could skip and run again. No more back problems.
I thought in order to savor this moment I should crawl into bed and sleep. I hadn't slept in over a decade. I laid in bed and shut my eyes. Oh this is great, I thought to myself yawning and stretching. Rest and relaxation.
Suddenly the phone rang. Disgruntled, I answered. Without even waiting for my greeting, the voice said, "Samara, it's Bogs. You have 17 victims tomor-"
I threw the phone against the wall and it shattered. I pulled the covers over my head.
THE END