Hey everyone! Currently suffering a little bit of writer's block, but my vulgar mind is always able conjure up something naughty, so I decided I'd start and innuendos story. Hope you enjoy it and reviews would be much appreciated! (I'll even give you a cyber cookie if you review!)
Chapter 1:
The Awkward Breakfast Incident:
Amelia Cackle wasn't a strict woman, but she did like to maintain a routine. She liked to wake up at her usual time of eight o' clock every morning. She liked to take a ten minute walk outside in the fresh air, to get some time to herself and think about cheesecakes, and she liked to be eating her breakfast by eight thirty and be in class by nine o' clock.
However, this morning would be a little different. Chief Wizard Hellibore decided to pay Cackle's an early morning visit, which was a good thing if you were trying to diet or cut back to tone up or lose weight, as the shock of seeing that crusty old windbag would shock you to an extent of being unable to eat your breakfast; and even if you could stomach it, you wouldn't be able to tolerate being in the room with him long enough to get much eaten. Though he would make Amelia run a mile today, but not for the usual reasons.
Amelia was making her way through her porridge (don't be too shocked! She piles the sugar into it when no one's looking!) , in order to squeeze in a cream cake, a chocolate éclair and a slice of cheesecake before classes started. She was enjoying herself, as she was well on track, but was suitably disappointed when Hellibore burst in like he was God's gift.
"Good day, Cackle's!" he exclaimed, opening out his arms looking around. He continued to do so until he spotted the little headmistress eating her porridge, "or should I say, Cackle," he added glumly, knowing that he wouldn't be sucked up to as much as usual.
"Good day, Your Honour!" Amelia exclaimed, standing up, shaking his hand heartily as her smile beamed. She pulled him out a seat immediately and he sat down dramatically. She ran over to her seat and stood opposite him, in readiness to find out why he was there.
"I dare say it's rather cold in here, don't you think?" he mused, looking about. He breathed and was rather amused by seeing his carbon dioxide in the air.
"The window's open, Your Honour," Amelia said, darting around to close the window immediately. Though years of use had made the lock barely usable, and she had to try and roughly yank it back into the lock, but was unsuccessful in doing so, and had to spend a few minutes trying to get it into place. Egbert kept blowing out air roughly, and wouldn't stop doing so.
"Everything alright, Your Honour?" Amelia asked, breathless from trying to get the window closed.
"Perfectly fine, Miss Cackle," he replied, still blowing, "I used to be able to see my ring when I'd give a good blow, but no such luck today," he moaned. Amelia turned around, flabbergasted.
"Oh! An air ring?" she exclaimed, somewhat relieved. Chuckling nervously, she turned around and started on the window again.
"Why, yes….what did you think I was talking about?" he asked, looking at the woman, though continuing to struggle, he didn't offer his aid. "Although I find it only works when I blow the fag in my mouth," he said, shrugging his shoulders and relaxing more in his chair.
"Wh…." Amelia tried to ask, but was unsure if she was hearing him correctly, and therefore afraid to ask, "who…when…why did you have a fag in your mouth?" she stuttered unsurely. It was clear she was curious, but deep down didn't want to know the answer.
"When I'm smoking a fag, Miss Cackle," he replied, rather annoyed at all the apparently silly questions.
"When you're poking what?" she exclaimed.
"Smoking, Miss Cackle! Smoking!" he shouted, getting rather annoyed at her somewhat vocal efforts on trying to close the window.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Trying to close the window, but the handle is stuck."
"What I find good for when it's sticking up, is giving it a good yanking repeatedly until it comes and goes back down again," he beamed, thinking himself a DIY expert. Only the "Do It Yourself" could lose the "I" from Amelia's interpretation.
The window snapped shut, which was a huge relief to Amelia, and she turned to sit at the table with the Grand Wizard.
"Can I get you any breakfast, Your Honour?" breathed Amelia sharply, trying to catch her breath.
"I don't feel too hungry," he informed her, rubbing his tummy, "but I wouldn't mind drinking your juice," he added.
Amelia's disgusted look prompted him to tap on the jug of orange. She chuckled nervously, pouring him a glass. He continued to stare at the jugs or orange juice, milk and apple juice.
"I do like your big jugs, Miss Cackle," he mused, looking from the jugs to Amelia, "those small jugs are just hard to grab, and they don't hold nearly enough milk compared to big ones," he grinned. Amelia, by this stage, couldn't answer, and just nodded hypnotically, wishing Constance would return from collecting herbs and potions ingredients with the second years.
He courteously raised the glass before taking a drink. There was a short (but what seemed long) awkward pause between the pair. Amelia decided to break the awkward silence before she killed herself.
"I see Algernon isn't with you today," she said.
"Yes, we've fallen out again. I wasn't amused when he told me that I hang lower than any other man he's ever met," he said sharply, clearly ticked off.
"I thought that was commendable?" Amelia asked, wanting to fall into a hole in the ground.
"What? My beard isn't that long!" he exclaimed defensively.
"Oh!" Amelia laughed hysterically, almost manically.
"My, what a lovely pear you have, Miss Cackle!" he exclaimed, rubbing his hands together, "may I suck on it and take a little nibble?" he asked.
Amelia closed her jacket right to the top button and folded her arms in front of her chest, and turned as pale as Constance. "I….I don't think that's appropriate, Your Honour," she replied, glaring at the door hoping that a teacher or student would enter and ease her pain.
"But you have two, I only want the one," he replied, pointing at the fruit bowl. Amelia chuckled cheesily, handing him a pear.
"I have to suck on it first to soften it, as the biting into it when it's hard messes with my false teeth," he informed her, starting on the pear. She laughed again nervously, but if anything, it freaked out the old buzzard.
"I was thinking of getting my stick enlarged," he commented. Amelia nearly choked on her porridge. "Oh, what's it called? The proper name?" he asked, racking his brain, "staff!" he exclaimed, "that's it, staff," he smiled, propping it up in his hand. "I find I've gotten a little tall for it," he added.
On that note, Amelia got up and darted quickly for the door, "where are you going?" he demanded.
"I have to go somewhere, goodbye," she replied promptly continuing out the door.
"Can I come?" he called after her eagerly, watching her run.
"You can come on your own!" she called back, increasing her speed.
Hope you enjoyed it. I'll be updating with a different scenario for the next chapter. Thank your for reading! *points to the review button, mere centimetres from your cursor* ^_^