Story: Prats, Brats, and Babies

Author: hotncold93

Rating: T for language

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, many things would not have happened… like the dreaded epilogue, Harry/Ginny canon, and Sirius' death (oops, spoiler… if anyone on the planet hasn't read OotP. I doubt it). Anyways, the only things that are mine are Isabella Jonson and (hopefully) the plot. Oh, and sorry about the terrible title. I couldn't think of anything else—my brain is fried. Oh, and the quote about pregnancy leading to infants is from Juno. I couldn't help myself 

Summary: Draco Malfoy learns a little bit about pregnancy. And tolerating irritating Gryffindors.

Prats, Brats, and Babies


He heard an impatient huff beside him.

"Malfoy, do you even know how to use one of those things?!"

Draco rolled his eyes at the whiny, rude voice beside him. "If I knew how to use the goddamn thing, would we still be walking in circles?"

His companion glared at him furiously and attempted to grab the thing called a map from his hands. Due to the fact that she was barely five feet tall (he was 6'4") and completely unathletic, she failed miserably.

"Malfoy! You just admitted that you don't know where the fuck you're going, so why won't you give the goddamn map to me?"

He smirked, just to piss her off, and answered with a curt, "No."

The girl walking with him gave him a look that would send a lesser man running, but he was a Malfoy, and Malfoy's do not run away from little girls.

"You are the biggest asshole on the face of the planet, you know that?"

"Thanks, Jonson. That just made my day."

"Ugh!"

"So I think we were supposed to stop at the last corner."

"Malfoy, if you don't shut up in two seconds I will render you incapable of having children and your girlfriend would be very unhappy with you for that. So unless you want to face my foot and her rage, shut up."

"I'll tell her it's all your fault."

"And I'll tell her you're lying."

"I'm her boyfriend, she won't believe you."

"I'm her best friend, you can bet your ass she will."

"I'd rather not."

"Then don't. It doesn't change the fact that I'm right."

"In your mind, you're right about everything."

"That's because I actually am. However, stupid annoying pretty boys, such as yourself, are too imbecilic to realize this, and insist upon being their stupid annoying selves and baiting me into hexing their nads off."

He decided to cut his losses on this one. After all, a Malfoy without reproductive organs is like Potter without his glasses—completely useless.

"Oh, and I think we were supposed to stop at the last corner."

"Really?! Wow, I didn't know that!"

"Shut up, Malfoy."

"I will when you do."

"I will when I feel like it."

"Then so will I."

"We aren't in preschool anymore, Malfoy."

"Really? Then why do you keep acting like a five year old?"

"You started it!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"I did not!"

"You did too, Malfoy, and you know it."

"We are getting nowhere."

"Oh, you noticed? Well maybe if you'd give me the goddamn map we would be getting somewhere!"

"Has anyone ever told you that you are the most vile, annoying woman on the face of the earth?"

"Aww, thanks Malfoy. You just made my day."

And right then Draco made a sound very unbefitting of a Malfoy.

"Hey look, I found a clue!"

"Would you like me to throw you a party? I know, I'll make a poster. It'll say: Look everyone, Jonson has finally proven that she is not completely useless! Hell, I'll even bake cupcakes."

"I'll hold you to that, Malfoy."

"And how do you plan on doing that, oh All-Knowing, Not-Completely-Useless One?"

"Death threats, your girlfriend, you know, the usual."

"I hate you."

"Good to know the world is still spinning and all is right."

"Oh shut up."

"Ladies first, Malfoy."

Why did he promise to never hit girls? Why?

"I told you we were supposed to stop back there!"

"And I told you that we were supposed to stop two bleeding hours ago!"

"You can't even read a fucking map you moron!"

"I swear to Merlin if you insult me one more time…"

"You'll what? Sneer at me? While your hideous pointy face may be disgusting to behold, you don't threaten me Malfoy."

"God-fucking-dammit that is it! I call a truce."

And now she was gaping at him like a dead fish.

"What the hell are you on about?"

"The sooner we get this stupid exercise done, the sooner we can go back to our dorms, and the sooner I can get away from you. We'll never do anything if we keep on like this."

She still looked distrusting, but at least she'd closed that fly trap of a mouth.

"Okaaaay," she said. She obviously thought he was mad. He didn't care what she thought, as long as he got away from her and got some sleep… and soon.

"Okay. I won't be an arse to you, and you need to stop being irritating. Alright?"

"I can do that."

"Good."

"Stop giving me attitude!"

"I'm not giving you attitude—I just said it was good that you aren't so completely imbecilic that you can recognize the need for a truce!"

"See?! That's it. Right there. You just gave me attitude. How Ginny puts up with you I will never know."

"Stop bringing my girlfriend into this!"

"Fine, stop being an asshole!"

"Or what? You'll tell my girlfriend?"

"Malfoy you can't say something like, 'Stop bringing my girlfriend into this!' And then start talking about your girlfriend!"

"I'm a Malfoy; I can do whatever the fuck I want to!"

"You are a brat."

"Take that back!"

"I will when you stop being a brat!"

"I am not a brat!"

"You are too! You're a spoiled, annoying, arrogant, stupid, ugly brat!"

"I thought we had a truce! You can't agree to the truce and then go around insulting me!"

"You started it—right after you called the bleeding truce you moron!"

"I said the word, 'Good!' It was you who got all pissy and started asking me if I was giving you bleeding attitude."

"Because you were!"

"You can't prove that!"

"Oh yeah, in the very next sentence you insulted me."

"That doesn't prove anything… I always do that!"

"UGH! You know what; I can't deal with you anymore."

"Then don't."

"I can't just stop talking—then it gets too quiet in here."

"Fine. Do something else to make noise."

And then she did the craziest thing he'd ever witnessed—she started singing. He looked over at her warily, because, I mean, there was this crazy girl standing next to him singing for God's sake, and he didn't know what the hell to do about it.

And she was good. Really good. Like the notes coming out of her mouth were meant to be there, and just delighting in the rightness of being sung. Like the whole world didn't make any sense like you were seeing it through a muddy glass, but Halle-fucking-lujah, here was the light, because Isabella Jonson was singing.

He had to be going mad. That was the only explanation.

"Got it!"

"Thank God. I thought we'd be here forever trying to find the last one!"

"Yeah, so did I. You know, I think this whole 'truce' business was a great idea."

"That's because it was your idea."

"True. But now when Ginny and I get into a row about how I hate everything about her, except for her, and she asks me if I like anything about her friends at all I can tell her there is."

She looked baffled now. "And what exactly is that one thing that you don't find completely repulsive about me?"

"Actually, you have a rather lovely singing voice. Though if you ever tell anyone I said that, I will hunt you down and gleefully murder you for it."

"Wow, Malfoy, did you just give me what may possibly be construed as a compliment? You must think I'm pretty damn special to warrant such high praise, seeing as you've only ever complimented two people before—your mum and your girlfriend. If I didn't know better, I'd say you might actually enjoy my company!"

Now, what she had said was essentially true, but he was a Malfoy, and Malfoy's can't let stupid little girls go around thinking that they are important when they are not, and so he was compelled to set the record straight.

"No, I just don't find you completely terrible. Which puts you in the league of Parkinson, Crabbe, and Goyle—not my mum and Ginny. Sorry to disappoint you, love."

"That's okay. I've found something not-so-completely-intolerable about you, too."

"What?"

"When you aren't being a complete moron, you're not exactly bad company."

His ego was going to need some serious deflating after that. He could just feel it swelling.

"Wow, Jonson." He wiped a fake tear from his eye. "I am so honored."

"Don't get used to it."

"Oh, I won't."

"Good."

"Was that attitude I sense?"

"Shut up, ferret."

"Gladly, overgrown house cat."

"No, hun, it's called a lion."

"Yeah, an overgrown house cat. That's what I said."

Jonson rolled her eyes as Draco smirked.

Draco untied the laces on his boots and pulled his normal shoes on. Jonson was somewhere in the empty Great Hall, wondering how the Muggle Studies teacher, Professor Corak, had managed to make them believe it was a desert in the American Midwest. Of course, Jonson was from Southern California, so for her it was almost like being home. Even still, it had taken them longer than any other group to navigate the desert with the map given and find the puzzle pieces without magic. Draco couldn't even express how relieved he was that it was finally over. Jonson walked over to him, her short brown bob waving in his face as she bent down to eye level.

"Malfoy, I think you and I need to have a little talk."

Draco cocked an eyebrow. "What about?"

"Ginny's pissed at you."

"Why? What the hell did I do?"

"You were a prat to her this morning."

Draco sighed. "I know. I was having a bad day."

"Malfoy, I don't care if Voldemort himself came back from the dead and used his laser vision to melt your new shoes—you don't talk to your girlfriend like that."

"I wasn't even mean!"

"You insulted her house, her family, her best friends, the man who saved her life, and her favorite quidditch team—in the same sentence. That's got to be a record, even for you."

"I can't help it if I'm talented. I told her when we started dating that I was born a bleeding prat and I'm going to die a bleeding prat and there's nothing anyone anywhere can do about it."

She looked at him incredulously. "You are unbelievable."

"Unbelievably handsome, you mean."

"No, unbelievably moronic. I mean seriously, I can't believe she's even put up with you for this long!"

"She knows what I'm like!"

"And so that's supposed to be an excuse for hurting her feelings and breaking her heart?"

"Breaking her heart? I was just being pissy! It's not like I don't love her or anything." Crap.

Jonson's eyes were wide as she said, "You love her?! Well go tell her! She's been panicking all day thinking that she's having the baby of a man who doesn't even care about her at sixteen and your excuse is that you are the way you are and you were having a bad day but you love her?!"

Hold the floo powder. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!! "WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU BLOODY MADWOMAN! 'HAVING YOUR BABY'?!?!"

Jonson's eyes went wide as her face adopted the famous "Oh shit!" look. "Euhmm… Well… I mean… I didn't… NO! I was just… kidding! Yeah, just kidding. Ha ha. Joke's on me. Okay, and now we are… forgetting I ever said that, alright?! Okay. Cool. Good. Great. Lovely. Anyways…"

Her nervous laughter followed him down the halls, all the way to the Gryffindor common room. Draco stood in front of the hideous portrait of that hippo-lady, panting like a dog in the Sahara in the middle of summer, trying to remember what Ginny said the password was. He paced in front of the stupid portrait for fifteen minutes before he saw a terrified Jonson racing down the corridor and smacking straight into him.

"Okay, Malfoy—Draco—look, I know we don't necessarily enjoy each other's company, and I know you don't really care about what might happen to me if Ginny finds out that I told you before she did, but I'm telling you it wouldn't be pretty. I'd like to keep my skin on my body, so please, just wait till morning, okay? And then you can race up to her dorm and apologize and pretend like you don't know, and then she'll tell you like she was going to do this morning, before you went all crazy on her, and then we can all forget that this little incident even occurred. Okay?" Her eyes were wild and her hair was flying all over her face and she looked pretty damn panicked, and, to his chagrin, a little bit of pity welled up in him. He knew how Ginny got when she was angry, and though Jonson had a temper on her, she would never hold a candle to Ginny's terrifying rage.

She continued, "And besides, the baby's gonna be there for another eight months, so it's not like we really need to rush in right now."

Wait. "Eight months?! I though pregnancy lasted for nine?"

Jonson—Isabella (he figured he should call her by her name, if she was calling him by his)—was looking at him like he was stupid. "It does. But you don't know you're pregnant usually until after your first missed period, which can be up to a month later, as it was in Ginny's case."

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. LALALALALALALALALALALALA he didn't want to hear about things like missed periods and stuff. He grimaced. "Uh, okay, so what else should I know about this whole 'pregnancy' thing?"

"Well, it typically leads to an infant."

He glared at her. "Yes, I know that."

She giggled. "Sorry, it's just so funny watching you panic."

"Oh yeah, would it be funny if I walked into Ginny's room right now and told her that you told me about the baby?"

"No, but you don't know the password to get into the tower, so it's a moot point."

"Fine. What else should I know?"

Jon—Isabella—walked to the statue on the other side of the hallway and sat down against the wall, patting the ground beside her. "Malfoy, you've got a lot to learn, and we have a lot of time to cover it—time I don't want to spend getting leg cramps."

Draco sighed. It was going to be a long night.

"So you mean she's going to be a right bitch for the next eight months and I'm going to have to do things like hold her hair when she pukes, rub her swollen feet, help her into the bathroom, and watch her give birth while she squeezes my hand into juice?"

"Yes."

"And we can't even have sex towards the end of it?!"

"It would be like screwing a beach ball."

"Ew."

"Yeah."

"And I have to deal with the crazy overprotective six older brothers and a pissed off Potter the whole time?!"

"Pretty much. Oh, and don't forget about when the baby arrives."

Draco glanced at her pleadingly. "Then it gets better, right?"

"Yes. You'll experience the greatest love on the planet—caring for your child." She smiled rapturously.

"Wait, what exactly does caring entail?"

"Oh you know, disciplining them when they get older, warding off potential suitors when they're our age, changing diapers, burping them, feeding them, changing their clothes for them until they know how, bathing them, paying for all of their needs, helping them when they can't do or don't understand things—the usual."

Draco groaned and put his head in his hands. "It never ends, does it?"

Isabella smiled at him and put a hand on his back, "No. And someday, you'll be thankful for that."

Draco sincerely doubted it.

Ginny's eyes opened lazily, blinking at the harsh light in the room. She looked over at her alarm and realized that it was Saturday. Confused and groggy, she sat up slowly, wondering what in the hell had woken her up at seven a.m. on a weekend. She glanced at the end of her bed and got her answer. A very chagrined, tired-looking Draco Malfoy sat on the end of her bed, looking up at her with sorrowful eyes.

"Gin, I'm so sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean anything I said, and while I don't get along with your family, I'll try."

Ginny blinked dumbly, trying to reconcile this sweet, caring guy with her prat of a boyfriend.

"Draco, what's this about?"

Draco cleared his throat nervously and avoided her eyes for a couple of seconds before he burst out, "I know about the baby!"

Ginny's heart stopped. "What?!"

"It wasn't Isabella's fault, I was just being an asshole and we were assigned that Muggle Studies project together so that's why I didn't see you last night and she was angry at me for being a prat to you and she accidentally let it slip about the baby and I'm so sorry because I—"

His rambling was silenced by her lips, and Draco decided that he didn't really care about the swollen feet and the puking and the screaming, crying, pooping, baby they were going to have—as long as he could still kiss those lips, everything was all right.

A/N: Review!