***This story has been nominated for a Hidden Star Award for Best Non NC-17 Story. The whole idea is that lesser-known stories can have a chance at winning an award. This is a big first for me. So if you enjoyed it please make my day and vote between the 10th and 14th of September. The link is on my profile page.***

Hello all,

Thank you for joining me for Edward's meadow – I do hope you enjoy.

No copyright infringement intended. Twilight is the property of Stephenie Meyer, as are Edward and Bella, I'm just experimenting with them while I try to write.

Illumination: Edward's Meadow

Part I: The Day Dawning

Bella was sleeping peacefully tonight. Too peacefully.

Her face was relaxed in slumber, her full lips slightly parted in repose. She did not stir nor utter a single word – to my great disappointment.

Bella's sleep-talking was my window into her thoughts; my only window, save for her warm expressive eyes. I was learning to read her better everyday; the little tells in her expression, the furrow that would appear between her brows when she was deep in thought, the patterns in her breathing and heart-rate that I could more easily distinguish. It was all becoming clearer, I thought, with no little satisfaction.

But no matter how much I could decipher in her expression or how many of my questions she would answer I could never fully know the workings of her mind. It was maddening and painful to think that I couldn't access the one mind I truly wanted to.

But did I really want to know what she thought of me?

Bella now knew what I was and she wasn't afraid, wasn't repulsed. That was a miracle in itself. But she hadn't really seen me yet; she didn't know what I was capable of, what I'd done. She was an innocent incapable of imagining the monster in me. I never wanted her to. I would make sure she never saw the monster. I would make myself safe for her.

Watching her sleep I couldn't help but want. Want it all. Want her. I wanted to know her thoughts, the unconscious murmurings that I was being denied tonight. I felt deprived. Although, depraved might have been a more apt description for me; a vampire stalker creeping into a young girl's room at night.

What am I doing? Am I seriously contemplating some sort of relationship with her?

This behavior was beyond selfish. It was dangerous, life-threateningly dangerous. Cruel even, cruel of me to take her time, to spend what time I could with her knowing that I had nothing more to offer, that I would have to leave her someday. A day that would come much too soon. The thought choked me.

But what I was more aggrieved by at that moment was the reason for Bella's too peaceful sleep. I could smell it on her skin, in her blood; the distinctive smell of Tylenol. Was she ill? She had seemed well when I'd left her yesterday afternoon. Could she have taken ill so suddenly?

I looked at her intently, even more so than usual. She looked the same; her breathing low and even, her heart beating softly, slowed down in sleep. It was such a wondrous sound. I was becoming attuned to it.

I had promised myself that I would not make any more mistakes. If I was to be with her, I must make myself safe. It was a promise I had repeatedly broken in my desire to touch her. But I touched her now without guilt.

The cold skin of my hand made contact with her forehead and she didn't even move. Worried was not the word. She should have stirred a little surely? If I had a heartbeat, it would have been racing in my panic. But she was a normal temperature for a human, not that I was accustomed to much human contact. Not that I should be touching her now.

My fear eased as my hand caressed her brow. I was utterly distracted by the feel of her skin, like silk over glass… I felt her heat radiate into my hand. I found my fingers trailing slowly down her face, savoring the feeling of her skin on mine, touching as lightly as if she were a soap bubble.

She did not stir. Not once. Her stillness and silence perturbed me. I focused on her heartbeat to try to assuage the feeling akin to nausea taking residence in my gut.

The previous night, I'd had to leave her room because of her restlessness. She had woken and talked in her sleep in turns. I'd had to settle for hearing her movements from the exile of her garden, lest she wake and see me. I had felt more like a stalker than ever, yet here I was back tonight.

I needed to be around her tonight, I reasoned to myself. I needed to breathe her in, in preparation for tomorrow. I was full, having glutted myself on animal blood – elk found easily in the park. But nothing compared to Bella's blood and nothing lessened my yearning for it.

Her scent clouded the room; everything in there covered with her smell, including me. With her warmth surrounding me, seeping into me, I felt wrapped in her.

I took a deep breath through my nose. Her blood was the most glorious aroma I had ever known. My body still urged for it; my muscles tensed, my throat burned, my mouth filled with venom. But it was manageable. The monster in me was in a closely guarded cage. Closely guarded, I reminded myself, because he was volatile and could escape at any moment.

I despaired as the venom that coated my tongue trickled slowly down my throat. I loved her yet my body revolted and cried for her blood. I moved away from her, disgusted with myself, and took my usual seat in the rocking chair. I had no right to touch her, no right to breathe the same air as her. But I stayed. I could not leave.

I sat waiting for dawn, anxious about the day to come but also eager to live it. I couldn't suppress the feeling of excitement, part of me didn't want to and it sickened me. Watching Bella's small sleeping form in the dark that was not dark to me, Alice's old vision came to haunt me. The sight of Bella's lifeless, bloodless body in my hands… I couldn't put into words the horror it roused. Words could not describe it. It felt like physical pain. But no, that would not was an old vision, invalid now. I could never hurt her.

I was improving, getting better at resisting my urges; the urges that had me imagining the taste of her blood. But the new, unfamiliar urges that had me imagining the feel of her silken skin beneath my lips were getting more out of control by the minute.

I resisted both urges all night and left just as the sun began to rise. It was still overcast but Alice had said to expect the sun after noon. I had hoped that the run home would clear my mind. It didn't. I'd never felt so confused. My mind worked quickly, efficiently, but I was rife with indecision and the surge of unfamiliar feelings had me reeling; my thoughts disjointed and contradictory as though they were not my own.

As I approached the house I heard the hum of thoughts within. I ran in quickly to change, not wanting to meet anyone, and left immediately. I didn't want to hear in the minds of my brothers that they were betting on whether Bella would survive the day. But I did. I fumed silently, wanting to put as much distance as possible between them and me and be as close to Bella as I dared. I headed off at full speed.

As I left, leaves rustling in my wake, I heard Alice's mental voice calling out to me, a bright image filling my head – Bella standing in the middle of the meadow, her hand held out invitingly, a warm smile on her face.

It's going to be fine, Edward, she thought. Have a lovely day. Tell Bella I said "Hi".

With a smile on my face I sped towards my love. I snorted at Emmett – never bet against Alice. I even allowed myself a chuckle. But just as I was going out of range, I heard Alice again, Be careful, it's not a hundred percent.

I had been filled with doubt, a doubt that continued to harass me, but Alice's latest vision gave me hope for the day to come. I was still anxious, as today would be the decider of whether I could be with Bella in the way that I wanted. It was time to lay me heart on the line and spill my secrets. Then I would know if she wanted me as I wanted her, even if she had just a fraction of the strength of my own feelings. I knew that she did feel something for me, she wouldn't be agreeing to this if she didn't. But how much did she feel?

Today she would see a new side of me. Today I would be honest – I owed her that. I didn't want to scare her – the thought was abhorrent to me – but I needed to show her what I looked like in the sunlight. I would brave her horror and disgust. I would let her see beyond my predator lures. If she was to feel anything for me, it would be for the real me. I would let her see me for what I am, even if it would take her away from me and the choice would be hers. I tried in vain not to view today as my first and last day with Bella. My dead heart ached.

As I neared the Swan home I heard Charlie leaving, his thoughts turned to fishing, his activity for the day. Clearly, Bella's stubborn streak was in play for she had not told Charlie of our revised plans. I let out a low growl. How could I keep her safe when she was so determined to be in danger? At least Jessica knew that Bella would be with me, that would help.

I arrived early so I stayed in the woods near the house and listened to her morning. I could hear her stir in her sleep, a contrast to when I had left, and I could pinpoint the moment she woke because her breathing quickened and her heartbeat accelerated. Was she anxious or excited about today? Maybe both, like I was..?

She hurried around the house; clothes rustling, breakfast dishes clanging, water running in the bathroom. I caught a glimpse of her twice as she peeked nervously through the window.

Anxiety or excitement?

I walked to the front door as the noises quieted and our agreed time arrived. I walked slowly for me and knocked lightly, taking a deep breath – it was now or never.

Please, please, don't be never.

Could I ever be the man I wanted to be for Bella? I fervently hoped so and vowed once again that I would keep her safe, not knowing if I could keep that promise. She fumbled with the door-latch, taking a while to open the door. I would have found it amusing were it not for my black mood.

Nervousness or enthusiasm?

She looked calm enough once I could see her; bright enough that it appeared that my worries for her health had been unfounded. Apart from the serious health-risk I posed, of course.

However, my mood lightened considerably when I saw what she was wearing.

"Good morning," I said with a chuckle.

Bella looked at me perplexed, which made me smile wider.

"What's wrong?" she asked, looking down at herself but not seeing the joke.

"We match," I explained.

Her expression turned from confused to one of amusement when she saw that we were similarly dressed in white shirts, tan sweaters and jeans. Though her look was marred by a hint of sadness that I couldn't place. Was she worried that I'd harm her?

She had her keys in her hand and a satisfied smirk on her face as she headed towards her truck. The fact that we were to take her rusted decrepit truck had me grinding my teeth but I tolerated it, it was worth it for her forgiveness the other day. If things were going to be on her terms, I would have to accept taking her lead. I hoped I'd get the opportunity to get used to it.

Bella looked quite pleased with herself as she reminded me, "We made a deal."

I worried about Bella's driving skills – her coordination was terrible. I'd witnessed that often enough and she was so prone to danger… At least her old truck was sturdily built.

She got in and leaned over to open my door – no central locking, obviously.

"Where to?" she asked, looking at me expectantly.

"Put your seat belt on – I'm nervous already."

She threw me an angry kitten glare as she fastened herself in.

"Where to?" she sighed.

"Take the one-oh-one north."

I watched her as we drove. I couldn't take my eyes from her. I occasionally glanced at the road that was passing by slowly beneath us. Bella was driving very carefully and I supposed I should be grateful that she was responsible, in some things at least. To brighten my mood and ease my anxiety I teased her about it, knowing that she would defend her truck. She didn't disappoint.

"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather – have some respect," she quipped.

I found it funny that she was pulling the age card, even if it was in relation to our respective vehicles. She has no idea that I was older than her ancient truck. I would tell her if she wanted to know, if she still wanted to speak to me after today.

The only conversation was my directions and Bella's questions about where we were going. I kept tight-lipped. I merely told her where to turn and that we'd be driving to the end of the road where we'd find a trail. I had no intention of taking the trail; I planned to take my usual direct route to the meadow. Bella would learn enough today, more than any human ever had and avoiding her questions gave me an impish glee, especially given Bella's thinly veiled curiosity.

I could hear her naked panic when it transpired that we'd be hiking, but as I'd predicted, she denied it. I had secretly hoped that I would get to carry her; hoping, yet knowing that I should not seek excuses to touch her. Of course I also knew she'd refuse – how she prized her independence.

Either way, it wouldn't be sunny until later and it was only five miles to trek, but I didn't like her silence that followed or the lines of worry on her face, even if she was worrying about the wrong thing. Or was she?

Her silence finally became too much for me. "What are you thinking?"

Those words felt like such a release now that I was finally in a position to just ask her.

"Just wondering where we're going," she lied artlessly.

I knew it was futile to probe further; she wouldn't share her thoughts with me. She was hiding something. I hated it, knowing at the same time that I shouldn't complain – there was so much I hadn't shared with her, but I was endeavoring to be honest, to deserve her trust. If only I could deserve it.

"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice," I answered. The clouds were already thinning.

"Charlie said it would be warm today."

Ah, my cue.

"And did you tell Charlie what we were up to?" I questioned, knowing the dismaying answer.

"Nope," she answered simply.

"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?"

"No, I told her you cancelled on me – which is true," she added.

What?

"No one knows you're with me?" My fury seeped into my voice. She really had no instinct for self-preservation at all.

"That depends… I assume you told Alice?" she asked innocently.

She really had no clue. Alice would be mad if I hurt Bella, she cared for her future friend. But she was my sister, she would try to console me if I hurt Bella, I knew. She would help cover my tracks to avoid problems for the family. My hands balled into fists.

"That's very helpful, Bella," I seethed.

Never mind Alice – Bella, my victim, in this the worst of scenarios – was helping cover my tracks to get away with her murder! Did she want to die? Was she attracted to the danger I posed? It didn't fit with the character I had begun to know.

"Are you so depressed in Forks that it's made you suicidal?"

"You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly," she trailed off.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me – if you don't come home?"

How could such a bright girl be so blind and fearless? This wasn't bravery – it was stupidity. I was livid.

"You never know what's good for you, Bella!" I ranted, so quickly that she wouldn't catch it.

We came to the end of the road, as far as the truck would take us. We climbed out, Bella timid in the face of my anger, but not backing down at all. It was too late now – she was here alone with me.

The temperature had risen and Bella removed her sweater. I had never seen so much of her skin before. It took my breath away. Her shirt, like mine, was sleeveless – it was such a sight – her cream, warm skin glowing in the dim light. Without my permission, my eyes languidly trailed along her delicate curves that were now visible to me. I turned away, feeling like I was imposing.

I quickly took my sweater off, partly for something to do and partly imitating her human motions, wanting to be as normal as I could for her. There would be shock enough in store. But later, I thought, when she would see me for real, my skin should be bared – yes, let her see me.

"This way," I said, glancing behind me, trying not to stare. I led us into the forest, struggling to stifle the blossoming thoughts that seeing her naked arms had provoked.

"The trail?" she asked from behind me in an alarmed voice. I heard her scrambling to catch up with me.

I stilled, waiting for her, still facing away. "I said that there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it." I clarified, my voice cold.

"No trail?"

I smiled, despite myself. This is what worried her? Always the wrong thing, I thought ruefully. "I won't let you get lost."

I smiled, turning to her. The distress in her voice needed reassurance, so I would give it. I was shocked by what I saw. Bella was looking at me, looking at my body – appreciatively, I thought at first – but her whole self seemed to slump, her face a mask of despair. I had no idea why. Was she finally realizing what a mistake she was making? Did she want to leave? The idea pained me deeply. She was finally making the right choice – the safe choice. Despair swamped me, thinking that I wouldn't even get this one day at Bella's side.

"Do you want to go home?" I asked, my voice quiet and thin.

"No," she said determinedly and walked to my side.

"What's wrong?" I could hear the sorrow in my voice – could she?

"I'm not a good hiker, you'll have to be very patient," she said meekly.

She was lying, I could tell. Well, not telling the full truth anyway. Why was she so upset all of a sudden?

"I can be patient – if I make a great effort," I qualified with a soft smile. She shouldn't be sad; it was wrong for her to be sad. She offered a weak smile in return. I looked at her face, trying to find the reason for her sudden dejection.

I should take her home. She shouldn't be here with me.

She was scared and upset, and it was all my fault. The ache in my chest increased.

"I'll take you home," I said, grieving her loss from my side already.

Her face took on a determined expression, though I could still see the sadness tainting her eyes. "If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way."

I couldn't fathom the change in her tone. To be able to read her mind! Would I never understand her? I resigned myself to her current mood and did as she said. I walked at her pace and for once the slow speed didn't aggravate me. I knew that Bella was a temporary light in my existence and with her sad tone and mournful eyes, I felt as though she was literally slipping through my fingers. If this was my only time with her I would savor every moment.

Bella's dismal mood faded into concentration as she made her way through the undergrowth. I cleared a path for her through the forest and helped her as much as I could. She barely looked at me – her eyes focused on the ground in front of her.

Trying to coax her out of her mood, I resumed my questioning that had characterized recent days. I could never bear her silence long and I had plenty of questions.

"Tell me about your birthdays," I asked.

"What do you want to know?"

I stopped in my tracks and looked fixedly into her deep brown eyes. "Everything."

She was taken aback by my intensity; blood pooled in her cheeks, her breathing hitched and broke. She was as lost in my eyes as I was in hers. We stood still, lost in each other for the moment, before Bella recovered herself. She blinked at me, took a deep shaky breath and started walking again.

"Um… I don't remember anything that really stands out. You know, the usual… My mom's a terrible cook – the cake went awry most years until I insisted that she stop trying…" she trailed off.

I waited, wanting to know more – always more.

"I don't remember it that well, but for my fourth birthday we have a video of me singing 'Happy Birthday' to myself, out of tune and at least three beats behind everyone else. That's really embarrassing…" She chuckled and flushed bright red. It was distracting.

"I don't know why I told you that." She frowned.

I conjured up the image in my head, a four-year-old Bella singing on her birthday. I smiled.

"One year, my mom bought those candles that don't blow out – I was there for ages…" She laughed. "I was determined to get them… she didn't buy them again."

I could see that – Bella's willpower and stubbornness was something I recognized.

My own childhood was a blur, only my mother's face remained. I liked the idea of Bella's life being documented; I could watch those videos one day. No, I shouldn't think like that.

Of late, with each new piece of information I was collating in my mind about Bella, I would find myself swept into thinking of her future – a future with me in it – a future I desperately wanted. The now constant dull ache in my chest sharpened when I'd remind myself that that wasn't possible. But here I was, alone with Bella on what humans would call a date.

What am I doing?

I needed to change the subject fast. "What about pets?" I asked. Pets were probable, a normal human thing.

Bella cringed, screwing her nose up in the cutest fashion. I wanted to kiss it. Stop it!

"Well," she said, stretching out the word. "I don't have the best history with pets…"

"How do you mean?" I asked, my curiosity peaked and my wayward thoughts distracted for the moment.

She squirmed. "It's a long story…"

"We have plenty of time, Bella," I persisted. If only that could be true beyond this moment, beyond this day… Time was something that was not on Bella's side and therefore not on mine because my time with her was limited.

"I killed three goldfish in a row and gave up on the whole institution!" she retorted irritably.

My laughter echoed through the wood – Bella, the fish murderess! I couldn't remember when I'd laughed so hard or so loud and I had a very good memory. She looked like she wanted to be affronted for a moment but she gave in and joined me.

For the most part, we walked in silence, both of us thoughtful, I guessed. I could not know. It was wonderful just being in her company, graced with her presence. Out in the open space of the forest, my throat did not scorch the way it did in her room or in the confines of her truck. I still burned but I welcomed it. As much as I feared how her scent appealed to the monster in me, I missed the fire when she was gone because it meant that she was gone. I would endure anything to be with Bella.

I worried about her glum mood, knowing I was the cause but not succeeding in bringing her from it. So I concentrated on Bella's movements. Admittedly, I always paid close attention to her but I was mindful that the raised roots and ferns of the wood posed a particularly difficult terrain for her, even more so considering her inability to safely navigate flat linoleum floors.

I walked close beside her, feeling her warmth in the air but I resisted the urge to touch her and focused intently on our path – holding a web of wet moss aside here, kicking ferns aside there, clearing her path lest she struggle. I focused on each minute task. Not on the feel of her warmth whispering on the breeze against my skin. Not the spark of feeling that traveled up my arm when touching her was a necessity to help her over some obstacle. Not the joy I felt when her heartbeat would stutter and her breathing hitch at the contact. Not the blush on her cheeks when our eyes would meet during a silent moment. Not the painless sting I felt in my hand from when I'd touched her face last night. And definitely not the way her satin smooth skin felt under my hand.

Each. Minute. Task.

I was relieved for a moment when I saw the sunlight shining through the clearing of the meadow ahead. Some reprieve from the intensity I'd felt during the slow walk.

"Are we there yet?" she asked in a singsong voice. The sound was melodic, even if she was blatantly teasing me.

"Nearly," I said, pleased that she sounded playful, more like herself. "Do you see the brightness ahead?"

Bella peered ahead and frowned. "Um, should I?"

"Maybe it's a bit soon for your eyes," I teased back.

She rolled her eyes mumbling, "Time to visit the optometrist."

I wanted to laugh but held it back.

I could tell the moment that her human eyes caught the light – she quickened her pace, her eyes alight and excited. Her eagerness reminded me of our purpose here, and my relief was short-lived. This was it.

I slowed, letting Bella lead the way.

The ache in my chest increased once more. I'd never felt so nervous. No one but my family, my kind, had seen me in the sunlight. I'd never felt so vulnerable; I'd never cared so much what someone else thought.

I steadied myself, trying to prepare for Bella's reaction – a reaction I didn't dare to imagine, didn't dare to hope would be anything but repulsion – all the while knowing that no amount of preparation would be enough. Knowing that there was no way I could bear Bella's disgust or terror. I resolved to hide how much it hurt me at least.

I watched Bella as she moved slowly into the sunshine, her long hair swaying in the breeze, the sun highlighting the hint of red that I had seen before. She leaned down to draw her hand through the long grass and wild flowers. She looked her age, so young and carefree as she took in the meadow. I was pleased that it delighted her so.

It was strange to see someone here, in what was normally my secret, solitary place. I realized how much I liked to share my secrets with Bella. I was caught in the beauty of her wonder – I could watch her forever. But I didn't have forever because Bella didn't have forever.

It was with a heavy, dead heart that I neared the opening of the meadow. Bella, previously lost in the spectacle of the meadow, now searched for me, her expression became worried for a moment when I was not where she expected. But she smiled reassuringly when her eyes found me. It didn't comfort me. Bella didn't understand what I was and I was about to show her the hardened, faceted skin of a killer and she was smiling, beckoning me closer.

When she took a step toward me, I held up my hand. No. She should not be too close; she must have her space so that she wouldn't be too afraid. I could easily step back into the shadows where I would not look so terrifyingly abnormal and take her home.

The finality that this one meager step would hold for my doomed hopes of a future weighed heavy in limbs. My feet felt like lead, too heavy for my body to move, as if I had only human strength. It took all my energy and resolve to take that one simple step – the step that would decide my future, for I did not want a future without Bella.

With that thought in my mind, I stepped into the glare of the rare Washington sun.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. I would really like to know what you think. Please review.

Thank you to elizabethan and Project Team Beta for betaing this chapter.

I owe a huge debt of gratitude to ange de l'aube, my pre-reader, for her never-ending patience and encouragement throughout this experience.

Rhian

xx