The Old Oak Tree
What possessed him to write that letter? He wasn't some juvenile Romeo penning sweet nothings to his Juliet, or was he. He was as nervous as when he had asked Julie Miller out on a date when he was sixteen. The school cheerleader was oh so popular and well he had the biggest crush on her, like forever. Actually he probably shouldn't compare this to that time as if he remembered correctly she had turned him down flat and in front of the whole school. That had rated as one of the most humiliating times in his young life.
Maybe he should think of the times he got the girl. Oh yeah that didn't turn out so well either. Married and divorced in a very short time. Now he remembered why he didn't do this sort of thing. Long term relationships were very hard on him. And he had failed miserably in the past. But in his heart he knew he wanted long term with this woman. Oh yeah totally long term. He was a goner. How in the world had it come to this? And he had given her five days to think about it. The longest five days of his life.
Why couldn't he just do things like ordinary guys? Flirt a little, see if there was any interest returned then ask the girl out on a date and take it from there. Oh no not John Shepperd. Hard all the way! No easy road for him. Well I guess he didn't have an ordinary life by anyone's standard. He was, after all, in the Pegasus galaxy, living in the fabled City of Atlantis. And didn't that still give him goosebumps? And didn't he just love it. Forget all the danger for the moment and wasn't life sweet. Add to that, a beautiful, sexy, honest to God, wondrous alien, and he couldn't ask for more. Well only that she return these feelings he had been feeling since the day they met. Then everything would be just about perfect.
He wasn't used to mulling over his feelings. But the events of the last month had changed him. They had lost Carson. Teyla had been very badly injured and while it was Carson that had saved her, he hadn't been able to save himself from being blown up and dying. They were all still feeling the loss. And that had got him thinking. It might very well have been Teyla as well they were grieving. She had very nearly been blown to bits along with her friend but turning back to get something had saved her life. Funny that just before the explosion ,Ronon had asked him about Teyla. About John and Teyla as a couple. His response had been a half laugh meant to throw off suspicion. Denial thy name is John Sheppard. But I don't think Ronon really bought it. And then seeing Teyla hurt, it truly hit me.
Life was precious and very precarious, especially here in the Pegasus Galaxy. Sitting in the infirmary waiting for Teyla to wake up had been his wake up call. Trite but true. As he sat there trying to find a way to tell her that Carson was dead he finally realized just how much she meant to him and that he came as close to losing her as he wanted to get. That had been his epiphany. But even then he couldn't just tell her how he felt. Oh no he had to write that letter and now he had to wait. Four days gone by and now only one more day to determine wether he was going to share his life with a very special woman or become very intimate with loneliness.
And from the time he had left the letter in her quarters he hadn't seen her. He had found out from Elizabeth that the same day she had asked to go off world. Now that had him wondering if she was so upset with what he had said that she couldn't face him. This did not bode well for the outcome he was wanting. And made him doubt once again his course of action. He was a coward when it came to personal stuff. Give him a hive full of Wraithe; that he could stand up against. But matters of the heart, he was shaking in his boots.
Finally realizing just how strong his feelings for Teyla were and after wading through all his self doubt and insecurities he had taken the bull by the horns and written the letter. He had holed up on east pier balcony and let himself work it all out in his head and heart. Well his heart was already way out front, so he had to let his head catch up and then it all fell into place.
Sitting there thinking about the only other woman he had ever truly loved with his whole heart. His mother. She would have loved Teyla, of that he was sure. And Teyla would have been so gracious and loving towards his mother. He felt sadness knowing that would never be a possibility. But one had to deal with the living and not the dead. The dead were remembered and loved but it was the here and now that was most important.
And then thinking of his mother had made him remember a song she used to like. And thinking of that song had given him an idea. And that had lead to him writing "the letter". His Mom would have been tickled that he had been romantic enough to write what he had. He hoped Teyla understood his idea of romance. He knew she would understand how hard it had been for him to pen those words.
While writing he had made himself remember all the little moments he and Teyla had shared. Moments that he knew or hoped he knew were shared feelings and treasured memories. In three years there was a lot to remember. And that had given him the courage to keep writing. So he had finished the letter and sealed it and before he could chicken out, which was a very big possibility, he had gone to her quarters, knowing she wouldn't be there, and left the letter on her bedside table in plain view. Then he had run out of the room as if all the Wraithe were after him. Run as far away from that letter as he could. And he had locked himself into a room where he knew no-one could find him. Telling Elizabeth to call him only in a dire emergency.
Now here he was. Trying to eat and appear normal. Trying to think of anything but the letter and failing miserably. Teyla was still off-world and his heart was preparing itself for a letdown. She couldn't answer his letter if she wasn't here or was her not being here answer enough. Were those pitying glances he was getting from Ronon, McKay, everyone. Or was he being paranoid. Probably paranoid. This was one time he was hoping it was just his insecurities at play. He could do nothing but wait. Maybe eat some more, go for a last walk before retiring for the night and then wake up and face his D-Day.
Eight hundred tomorrow morning was the time he had stipulated in the letter. He would get up and head straight for the east pier balcony and his question would be answered one way or the other. He just had to get through tonight and he knew it was going to be a very long one. He stood up, said goodnight to his friends and left the mess hall. He was not going to ask when Teyla was due back. Part of him, the most vulnerable part, didn't want to know in case she wasn't due back until after eight in the morning. And hearing that would crush him totally. So best to go and wait for the morning to arrive. A walk and then bed. That was a plan. A good plan. One foot in front of the other. That is all he had to do.
Seven forty-five. Only another fifteen minutes and his future or lack of was decided. As predicted he didn't get much sleep and the little he did manage was chocked full of disturbing dreams. He had showered, shaved and dressed in record time. And so happy no-one saw him change clothes three times before settling on what he had put on first. What a girl, is what Mckay would have said. And that gave him his first smile in five days.
It wasn't an accident that he was wearing the same clothes he wore when he went to apologise for the kiss during the bug incident. Even though the circumstances were not stellar he remembered that kiss with fondness. The first time he kissed Teyla, tasted Teyla, drank in her very essence. Something he would never forget. He hoped that after today that wasn't the only memory he would have of kissing Teyla.
Hope was a great gift and he promised himself not to give up on it until he had to. And when he walked on the east pier in just ten minutes he would know straight away which way it was going to go. Most of the night he had kept going over and over what he had written. He knew the words by heart and they kept replaying themselves in his head, over and over. And as if he needed the reminder he again thought about those words on his way to the pier.
Being so preoccupied he didn't notice the amused grins and pointed stares around him. He definitely did not see Ronon, Rodney, Lorne and Radek giving each other high fives and passing around money. He didn't see the all knowing look on Elizabeth's face. He didn't know that Teyla had asked Elizabeth for a favour and it was granted with much joy. He didn't know how important his happiness was to his friends.
All John saw were the words he had written to the woman he loved.
Dear Teyla,
You are probably thinking why in the world is John writing to me when we see each other every day and wouldn't it be easier to just talk to me. One would think it would be easy but this is me we are talking about so the answer is a resounding no. I once told you I found it very difficult to talk about feelings, especially my feelings.
Before we get to that I want to say that after you read this letter and make your decision and if the answer is no then I want you to burn this and forget I ever wrote anything and we will pretend it didn't happen. Am I confusing you yet. Probably. But this is me making a way out for both of us and it isn't because I want a way out but because I value our friendship too much to ever do anything to destroy it. I hope, no I know, you feel the same way. I am not going to talk about friendship or loyalty or any of the other things that I could talk about when I think of our relationship.
I am going to jump into this with both feet and just lay it all out for you. I am going to say something, ask something, that I never thought I would. Not that I haven't felt it or wanted to but this is me here and you know I am no good at this. Experience has taught me that I really suck at this. I hope my earth slang isn't confusing you. I doubt it because you are a fast learner and one of the smartest women I know. My next words are probably going to shock you, confuse you, make you think this is an alternate universe but please hang in here with me and know that I have never spoken a truer thing then what I am about to write.
I love you Teyla. I am in love with you. There I said it at long last. And I didn't know how much of a relief it would be to finally say it. Who would have guessed those words, those very scary words would be so liberating. Not me. I thought they would have to drag me over burning coals before I told you my true heartfelt feelings. I have wanted to tell you before now what I was feeling, but I guess I let my insecurities stop me. That and so many other things that don't matter right now and if things go the way I would like them too then that talk can wait.
This is not me asking for some kind of one night stand, or a quick fling or a hiding in the closet kind of relationship. I don't want to pressure you but I fear that this is my only chance to tell you how I feel. What I want. And if I don't do it now while I am feeling brave enough then I can guarantee it will never happen. I will talk myself out of confessing and we will go on the way we have for the past three years. And truthfully, I know my life would be diminished for not at least trying for this. And so here goes. What do I want?
I want you. I want it all. I want a relationship with you, a long term commitment. Which might seem ludicrous considering the life we lead but I am going to speak plainly. Wether I have one day or another forty years of life left then I want them to be with you by my side. Partners, lovers, soulmates, and so much more.
I love you Teyla and in everything that matters, I am yours.
Now do you remember that song I sung about the oak tree and the yellow ribbon? I know you do cause that was the day you told me about your Mother. And how yellow was a favourite colour of hers and she would wear a yellow ribbon in her hair for your father when he returned from his trading trips. And the thing you most remembered was the look on your father's face when he saw that yellow ribbon.
Anyway getting a little sidetracked there, but it was a good memory and I treasured the telling and sharing of it. Okay here is the deal. If you feel the same way I do and want the same for us as I do then there is only one thing I need you to do for me. If you don't and I have overstepped the boundaries then remember what I said at the beginning of the letter. Burn it and we go back to what we will always be, friends and team-mates. No other words needed.
All you need to do to make me the happiest man in two galaxies is to tie a yellow ribbon around the railing out on the east pier balcony.
My love is yours always
John
Just in case I never get to say those words to you in person.
He remembers it all word for word. The most important, life changing words he will ever say to anyone. And he comes to a stop just inside the doors leading out to the balcony. This is it he tells himself and he takes a deep breath and opens the doors. And stops and stares at the sight that greets him. All around and on every place possible there are yellow ribbons. All sizes and all different colour yellows. He can't take his eyes off the, there must be over a hundred yellow ribbons. And then that fades when his eyes lock with sparkling brown eyes across the balcony floor. She just stands there and waits and John doesn't have to think. In the blink of an eye he strides with purpose across to the woman he loves and their lips meet without a hitch in his step. And he knows that even flyboys that don't deserve it can have their dreams come true.
The end or really the beginning for John and Teyla.