I've been alone with you inside my mind, and in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times.
The song was on the radio and he thought of her. Hello by Lionel Richie. Whenever he heard it, he thought of her. Though, it wasn't limited to just this song. Lots of songs reminded him of her.
She was perfect. Perfect for him, perfect to him. They were perfect together. But he let her go. No. He made her go. He practically chased her away.
He was an idiot.
When he took the job from Shelby, he thought nothing of it. Rachel Berry was just another school girl. She'd fall for him, he'd lead her to Shelby and that would be the end of it. He expected it would be easy. He never expected she'd be the most amazing person he had ever met. He wanted to hate Shelby. If she never sent him on that mission he would've never met Rachel. She just would've been that girl with the great voice from McKinley that he'd see at competitions. She wouldn't be the one thing constantly on his mind.
He knew he would have to leave her. He knew before it had even started that he would have to end it.
Vocal Adrenaline needed him. He needed Vocal Adrenaline. He needed them to win and they needed him to win. Going back to Vocal Adrenaline meant winning the competition, but losing Rachel.
He looked back on that decision a lot.
New Directions impressed him at Regionals. Even after spending so much time among them, he was surprised at how good they were. Especially Faithfully. He had hated watching that. Finn and Rachel, singing a love song together. It would've been beautiful, if Jesse could just shake that feeling of intense jealousy.
But maybe that was what was going to happen anyway. Finn was all over Rachel. Obsessed with her. Even though he had dumped her for those cheerleaders a couple of days before Jesse had met her.
Maybe Finn and Rachel were the ones who were meant to be.
Jesse and Rachel. Rachel and Jesse. They were the ones who were perfect for each other. They understood each other. They shared being great at something and their dreams of stardom. Jesse saw past the ambitious young girl who wants everything too much. He saw her. He saw who she was. That's what he loved.
He had done a bit of facebook stalking, he wasn't proud of it and he only had limited access to New Directions' profiles because they had all deleted him, but he had enough access to see that Rachel Barbra Berry was no longer 'in a relationship' with Finn Hudson. And for a second there, he thought he had a chance. Then he remembered.
The eggs. He still couldn't believe himself. How could he have done that? He called her out and saw her. Running towards him, so excited. He immediately regretted his decision. He wanted to take her hand and pull her away. But it was too late. He stood there and let them throw eggs at her, then he cracked his own on her head. He couldn't think about it without wanting to cry. It was terrible. He knew what it would do to her. But he still let it happen. He told her he loved her. But what did that even mean after he had cracked an egg on her head?
It meant he was a fool. That's what it meant.
Now. Now he wanted her back more than anything. He wanted her and her drama and her talent and her beauty. He wanted her. But any chance he had with her he had ruined.
He never stopped thinking about her. Once he started, he didn't stop. He couldn't. At first there was the distraction of the completion and winning another national title, but once that was over his mind wondered back to her. Was another national title even worth it? Was it worth throwing away his chance with her for?
Rachel told him once that she liked letters. Not emails or wall posts, but actual physical letters. He had written her letters. Lots of them. Explaining how he was sorry and he would do anything to make it up to her, that he really did love her and letting her go was his biggest regret. But everything he wrote sounded stupid.
He never sent them.
So he couldn't have her, he hoped she was happy. She seemed to be happy with Finn, but that ended, so maybe it wasn't so great with him after all. He just hoped she was happy.
The question plagued his mind: Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Maybe this is what love is.
He loved her. He wanted to be with her. But if she was with someone else and happy, he thought he could probably deal with that. He didn't like that Finn sang Faithfully with her at Regionals. But she looked so happy and that made him happy.
As long as she was happy, he wasn't going to ruin that.
Jesse wasn't sure of much, though it always seemed he was. But if he was sure of anything, it was this:
Jesse St. James would always be in love with Rachel Berry.
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