carcinoGeneticist [CG] has opened a memo
CG: I WANT TO DIE.
Karkat stared at the words on the screen for a moment and then with an irritated huff pressed the backspace key until the words disappeared.
CG: I AM GOING TO DIE.
That was a better explanation of his situation because he was going to die, if not by his own hand then there would be others to cull him, and soon, very soon. It would not be long at all until it will be time to fill pails. The problem with that was he didn't have a matesprit or a kismesis, he had no one to pail with. He didn't have any of his quandrants filled whatsoever. No Quandrants Karkat, that's what they would call him afterwards most likely, the troll that was such a disgusting failure that nobody would ever pity him. He did used to have a moirail but that fucked up clown had left him a while ago now, who the fuck even does that anyway? Who would be that much of a thinkpan damaged asshole to walk out on their moiral? Well Gamzee apparently.
It didn't matter anyway, even if he did have someone to pail with it's not like the drones would accept his bright red genetic material. They'd cull him where he stood if he dared offer a pail mixed with that stupid colour, and then cull whichever poor idiot he'd tricked into pailing with him for good measure so it wasn't even worth thinking about attempting it.
Even if he managed to somehow survive the drones he wouldn't live through to adulthood, as soon as his eyes changed he would be culled the moment anyone saw them. Probably be hunted down by a mob and lynched or some shit like that.
It wasn't fair! He was stronger and a fuck lot smarter than most of the assholes that claimed to be better because they had a higher blood colour. His genetics deserved to be preserved! Not wiped out because of the freakish shade of the liquid running through his body.
Giving out another angry sigh he glared back at the screen. What should he say? I'm going to die, so long nookshits, I fucking hated all of you. It was short and simple, an all-round classy way to go in his opinion. Yet he felt that he should maybe leave some sort of explanation behind, so the idiots wouldn't be stuck in an eternal question of why he had done it. Not that they would even care, they'd just laugh at his words and how he had put his blood-pusher out there for all to see, probably become a good joke between all of them after he was gone. Quoting parts of his great speech and shitting themselves laughing for sweeps to come. Probably best not to tell them anything.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed the memo.
He glanced down at the sickle resting in his lap when at that moment he heard his hives front door bang open and for a moment, for one horribly hopeful moment he thought it was one of his so called friends, that it was Gamzee come back to throw himself at Karkat's feet and pledged his pale feelings to him. After another second he realised that it wasn't Gamzee or anyone else, it was just Crabdad coming back from whatever the fuck it is he does when he goes out. He put the blade down on the desk in front of him.
Crabdad would be fine without him, he had left all the roe cubes out next to the pile his lusus sleeps in so he wouldn't go hungry. Then he could leave the hive, find a new grub and start again or something.
Hearing shelled legs clacking on the stairs he stood up and waited until Crabdad appeared at the door, one large claw waving in the air in greeting.
"Hey" Karkat greeted, walking to his lusus "Listen, when I'm gone go back to the brooding caverns and pick a new grub when the next bunch hatches. Make sure to get a decent one this time though, one with a proper colour" he smiled a little despite himself. Crabdad churred lowly as his dark eyes stared intensely and Karkat wondered, not for the first time, just how much his lusus understood what he said, did he know what he was saying at all? Then in a move that surprised him Crabdad crept closer and put his claws around Karkat's back, pulling him into a hug. He hadn't allowed Crabdad to hug him in sweeps, not since he was a little wriggler but he pressed his forehead against the warm shell of his lusus's chest giving out his own chirps in reply to the deep rumbling from the crustacean's throat.
Taking a step back he moved out of Crabdad's embrace, his lusus purred happily at him and then scuttled out of the room. As Karkat sat back down at his desk he heard a great shriek of ecstasy, Crabdad had found his roe cubes then, good, that would keep him busy for a while.
He picked up his sickle again, taking a few deep breaths and feeling the weight of the weapon in his hand. He would slit his throat, it seemed as good a method as any. He would kill himself with his own weapon and the fucking highbloods could shove that up their nooks! Rather than give them the pleasure of ending his life he would take it himself.
Glancing back at his husktops screen he realised his trollian was still logged in. Maybe he should say goodbye though before he goes, at least to one person out of common decency more than anything. It had nothing to do with the fact that maybe deep down he wanted someone to stop him. But that was very selfish of him to want, knowing that really it wouldn't stop him, after all they couldn't magically change his blood colour. Yet, he still wanted to know that there was at least one troll on this miserable planet that cared about what happened to him.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TA]
CG: HEY
CG: YOU EVEN THERE?
CG: GAMZEE GET YOUR SOPOR SHITTING ASS HERE NOW
CG: FUCK THIS WAS A STUPID IDEA
TC: HeY bRo :o)
CG: YOU TOOK YOUR FUCKING TIME
TC: SorRy MaN, I WaS jUsT aLl Up AnD eNjOyInG tHiS mOtHeRfUcKiNg PiE I HaVe RiGhT hErE
CG: WELL THAT'S FUCKING GREAT, I'M HERE TO SAY GOODBYE AND YOU'RE TOO FUCKED OUT OF YOUR THINKPAN TO CARE
TC: YoU gOiNg SoMeWhErE bRo? LiKe Up AnD oFf On A mOtHeRfUcKiNg JoUrNeY oF wHiMsY?
CG: NOT REALLY, LOOK IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'M JUST LETTING YOU KNOW THAT I WON'T BE AROUND ANYMORE. YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.
TC: WhErE yOu Up AnD gOiNg? CaN't Be LeTtInG mY pAlEbRo oFf SoMeWhErE wItHoUt MoThErFuCkInG lEtTiNg Me KnOw WhEre
CG: GAMZEE IF YOU STILL CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE MY MOIRAIL I'M HERE TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU'RE A FUCKING DISASTER OF ONE. PEOPLE ALL OVER ALTERNIA WILL KNOW OF YOUR AWFUL PALE RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES.
TA: SoRrY kArBrO :o( mOtHeRfUcKiNg BeEn GeTtInG mY rEdRoM aLl Up WiTh TaVbRo. DiDn'T mEaN tO mAkE a MoThErFuCkEr FeEl AlL uNwAnTeD.
CG: IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER ANYMORE SO IT'S FINE.
TC: :o)
CG: I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. I'M GOING TO GO AWAY SO YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND YOURSELF A NEW MOIRAIL NOW. I JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS FUCKING SHIT ANYMORE AND IF THE OTHER HIGHBLOODS GET ME I'M DEAD ANYWAY.
TC: WhOa, ThIs SoUnDs MoThErFuCkInG sErIoUs
CG: NO SHIT FUCKASS, LOOK I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT I'M GOING TO BUT I REALLY HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE NOW. I'VE TRIED SO FUCKING HARD TO STAY ALIVE AND I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE.
TC: SoRrY tO mOtHeRfUcKiNg StOp YoU tHeRe KaRbRo BuT i GoTtA gO, tAvBrOs CaLlInG. i'Ll TaLk To YoU lAtEr, HaVe FuN oN yOuR wHiMsIcAl JoUrNeY, wHeN yOu CoMe BaCk YoU cAn Up AnD mOtHeRfUcKiNg tElL mE aBoUt It
TerminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
Karkat blinked confusedly, the fuckass hadn't listened to anything he had said! And once again left him to be with Tavros! Just when he had been about to tell him! He wanted to tell Gamzee at least, to have one more feelings jam with him even if it was over trollian. Karkat wiped at the tears that were building up in his eyes angrily with his sleeve. He was not about to start crying over this, he wouldn't let himself!
Well Gamzee could go fuck himself, he should have known that it would difficult to talk to him when he was so out of it. He took a few breaths to try and calm himself as he wiped at his stinging eyes, maybe he should wait a while until he could get a hold of Gamzee's attention for more than five seconds. No, that wouldn't work, if he waited he would just end up losing his nerve and wouldn't be able to go through with this, then the risk of being discovered for the freak he was increased. Besides, he had been waiting for Gamzee long enough now, too fucking long, if his so called moirail cared that much about him he would have helped him weeks ago, when Karkat had started having these thoughts, when he had asked for help regarding his likely future execution. Gamzee wasn't going to help him, not that there was much he could do, his eyes had already begun to darken, a sure sign that soon they would change and then even an indigo blood wouldn't be able to save him.
'He should have been there for you at least' a cruel part of his mind whispered to him. He snarled softly to himself, thinking like this wasn't helping at all. He wouldn't go out weeping like a wriggler!
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinarmageddons [TA]
Maybe Sollux would at least pay attention long enough for him to get his words out, he was his friend and sometimes helped. Karkat had even thought about having feelings jams with him after Gamzee had fucked off.
CG: I NEED TO TALK TO YOU
TA: What iis iit KK? ii'm kiinda bu2y right now
CG: WELL YOU BETTER FUCKING LISTEN TO ME FUCKASS, I'VE GOT A LOT OF THINGS TO SAY AND I DON'T CARE HOW BUSY YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE.
TA: Well 2pit iit out then, ii've got better thiing2 to do than lii2ten to you biitch.
CG: I HARDLY THINK WHATEVER SHITTY THING YOU'RE CODING IS THAT IMPORTANT
TA: Tiick tock KK, ii'm getting bored.
CG: FINE, WHATEVER. THE THING IS I'M GOING TO DIE, KILL MYSELF TO BE PRECISE AND I THOUGHT I WOULD DO THE DECENT THING AND LET YOU KNOW.
TA: Yeah riight KK, you could never kiill your2elf, you think far too hiighly or your2elf to do that.
Karkat stared, Sollux didn't believe him? The one person he told didn't even think he was being serious?
CG: I'M TELLING THE TRUTH YOU ASSHOLE
TA: Why are you going to kiil your2elf then?
His hands trembled over the keyboard nervously, could he do it? Could he really admit to someone what his blood colour was? He breathed deeply and bit his lip, yes he could, it would be over soon so he wouldn't have to suffer the result of his actions.
CG: IT'S MY BLOOD, IT'S NOT A GOOD COLOUR.
TA: You mean the fact that you're a ru2tblood like AA? Are you 2eriiously threateniing to kiill your2elf becau2e you think you're too 2peciial to be anything other than a hiighblood?
CG: I'M NOT A RUSTBLOOD FUCKASS.
TA: Yeah whatever KK, we all know, we were there when TZ grabbed your nubby hornz and your face flu2hed up.
They all thought he was a rustblood? Had they all been laughing at him behind his back? Thinking that they had him all figured out? Just an arrogant rustblood who thought he should be higher on the hemospectrum?
CG: SOLLUX YOU NOOKSUCKER YOU'RE NOT FUCKING LISTENING TO ME!
TA: KK ii'm not your moiiraiil, iif you want to biitch about your blood and feel sorry for your2elf you 2hould go fiind GZ.
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
Karkat read the last words on his screen twice through and then sat unblinking in silence. A small hiccupped sob slipped past his mouth as red tears slowly trickled down his face and before he could even think of stopping himself he was already crying, deep shuddering sobs that shook his whole body. He had been right all along, they really didn't care about him. He was probably a huge joke to them, a fucking pathetic joke, that's all he was and all he ever would be. A fucked up mutated joke that the universe liked to shit on for fun. They didn't care about him, they would hate him even more if they found out his secret, they would be just be revolted that they ever knew him.
He picked up his sickle again as the bright red liquid continued to drip from his chin and he tried to imagine what the world would be like after this. They wouldn't care, he was sure of that now and they would be sickened when they knew of his colour. But who would be the first to know? Would someone for some god unknown reason see fit to stop by his hive, let themselves in and then find his corpse bled out and face down in a puddle of his own fucked up blood? Or slumped in his chair with his head hanging down against his chest? Maybe they wouldn't bother to check why he had suddenly stopped messaging them. Maybe in a sweep or two Gamzee would finally remember that he had a moirail and come find his old maggot riddled remains turning into mush, or maybe none of them would find out and another troll would decide they wanted his hive for themselves and just throw his body out the window.
It didn't matter what happened to his body anymore, nothing mattered anymore.
Pressing his sickle against his throat felt just as unpleasant as he thought it would be. The blade was sharp as it thinly cut into his skin due to his shaking hand and beads of blood already rising up. The blade was cold too, a reminder that soon like his weapon he would also be cold. Each sobbing breath he took meant that the blade shifted against his throat and gently cut in a bit more each time, his thigh stinging where his free hands claws were digging in with the pressure.
arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
Karkat's tear filled eyes snapped to his husktop screen when trollian sounded.
AC: :33 *ac sneaks apon Karkitty furrorm behind and purforms the purfect pounce surprise!*
AC: :33 Hi Karkitty!
He still only stared, the blade still pressured against his skin.
AC: :33 *ac wonders if Karkitty is really there*
AC: :33 *ac starts hunting around for the sneaky Karkitty*
AC: :33 Karkitty?
AC: :33 Are you there?
He lowered the sickle down once again as he watched her words appear on the screen. She wanted to talk. She could be his person to talk to.
CG: NEPETA
AC: :33 *ac's ears twitch up as she furinds her crabby furiend* There you are!
AC: :33 *ac pounces on her purey*
CG: I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SAY TO YOU.
AC: :33 *ac climbs into Karkitty's lap and tilts her head to the side wondering what Karkitty's big news could be*
Karkat paused, his fingers hovering shakily over the keyboard, he shouldn't tell her, it was wrong and it was selfish. This could hurt her, he couldn't tell her what he was going to do and then go and fucking do it, he wasn't that much of a pathetic attention needing asshole.
CG: I'M GOING TO GO AWAY FOR A WHILE.
AC: :33 Where are you going Karkitty?
CG: JUST AWAY, SO YOU WON'T SEE ME AGAIN
AC: :33 *ac's ears raise in shock!*Why not? Are you going on a adventure? Can't I come too?
CG: NO YOU CAN'T COME WITH ME, NO ONE FUCKING CAN.
AC: :33 You'll come back right?
CG: I WON'T BE ABLE TO COME BACK.
AC: :33 What's wrong Karkitty? Why do you have to go away?
CG: MY BLOOD IS FUCKED UP, I HAVE TO GO BEFORE THE CULLING DRONES GET ME.
AC: :33 *ac mews in distress!" why would you be culled!? What's wrong with your blood?
Karkat sighed, after hiding his whole life he was finally going to tell someone, he swallowed nervously as he carefully typed out the words and his fucked up blood slowly dripped down his neck.
CG: IT'S RED.
AC: :33 Like Aradia's?
CG: NO, NOT LIKE HER BLOOD.
CG: IT'S LIKE THE BEAST BLOOD YOU COLOUR YOUR FUCKING SHIPPING WALL WITH.
AC: :33 *ac examines her shipping wall* I've never met anyone with that colour befur.
CG: THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING PROBLEM, I'M A MUTANT, MY BLOOD SHOULDN'T EXIST.
AC: :33 I think it's pretty! Our colours would look so purfect togetfur!
CG: YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING SIMPLETON NEPETA, ONLY YOU WOULD APRROVE OF THIS COLOUR.
CG: BUT THANKS I GUESS.
AC: :33 *ac purs happily*
CG: ANYWAY IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU LIKE IT, THE FUCKING CULLING DRONES WON'T AND THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING.
AC: :33 *ac sits up suddenly and holds onto Karkitty* I will purtect you from the pawful drones!
CG: YOU CAN'T STOP THE DRONES, NOBODY CAN. THAT'S WHY I'M GOING AWAY.
AC: :33 I s33, Karkitty will go and hide from the drones! That's a good plan!
AC: :33 *ac's ears droop down* but then we won't s33 each other anymore.
CG: I KNOW AND I WON'T BE ON TROLLIAN AGAIN.
Karkat's hands stilled for a moment as the tears still came now that they had started but running slower than before.
CG: I'M SURE THAT WE'LL SEE EACH OTHER SOMEDAY.
AC: :33 Yep! We defuriantly will! And I will give you the biggest tackle hug ever!
He smiled to himself a little, despite the tears and the blood from the slice in his neck. She cared. Someone cared.
CG: *KARKAT HUGS NEPETA*
AC: :33 *ac purrs and nuzzles Karkitty's face*
CG: THANK YOU, FOR LISTENING TO THIS SHIT.
AC: :33 No puroblem! I will always be there when you need me! :3
CG: I HAVE TO GO NOW, GOODBYE.
AC: :33 Bye bye Karkitty! Good luck on your journey!
AC: :33 *heart*
CG: *heart*
carcinoGeneticist [CG} ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]
Cybil Kitty- Ok first of all, fanfiction . net is stupid and ruins Nepeta's quirk by not letting me use the less than symbol, and therefore wouldn't let me actually type a heart, so that was damn annoying. But yes, I was attacked by a sad feels plot bunny the other day and I really wanted to write a situation where Karkat wants to kill himself. And then it turned itself into a KarkatxNepeta ship of its own free will, as is always the way. I've decided that I really like the idea of them never playing the game and so have to deal with growing up and stuff on Alternia :3 Anyhoos, I hope you enjoyed this and please review :3