The Darkness Within
Patronusmagic
Just a little something I wrote when I was depressed, hence the depressing one shot. Warning: full of angst and depressing themes. I know I shouldn't be writing another one shot when I've already got one on the go but hey ho! Hope you like.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
I'm broken inside. I'm not whole and I never was, my heart, mind and soul have shattered into a million pieces, no amount of tape, glue or blue tack is going to put me back together. It hurts, it hurts so much, to wake up and know that you're never going to see them again. No more late night conversations, no more joking about their school days or teasing each other about silly meaningless stuff.
You're gone, you left me. You promised you wouldn't leave, you promised! I don't want to be without you, you were, are my life. Without you, life isn't worth living. I'm bleeding inside, I'm hurting but nobody can see past their own grief. Oh they can cry all right, cry over someone they barely knew and then get on with their lives, their families, their friends. I have no one, my last link to the world died six months ago.
The days merge into one, the same monotonous routine. I get up, eat, piss, shit, take a shower, go to bed and repeat. It's not enough, I want out. I want to find you, be with you. I want to dance in the rain with you, I want to laugh with you, I want to cry with you and I want to talk to you. Everybody says I need to be strong but why should I? Why should I be the strong one? The one that keeps everything together? The super glue of the so called 'Golden Trio'.
Nobody understands, they don't understand that I want to lock myself away from society, I want to kick and scream and shout, I want to shout at every God that's listening for taking you away. I beg and scream until my throat is hoarse and the tears are streaming down my face, my chest hurts and my heart is in tatters, like the aftermath of an explosion, total destruction.
It's my fault, I know it is, if it wasn't for my stupidity, then you wouldn't be dead, you'd still be here- with me - with Remus. You'd be a free man and we could be a family. The injustice of it all wells up inside of me and it takes all of my willpower not to claw at my insides, wrench my brain from my skull, rip my heart from my chest so I don't have to think, to feel. I know how you feel when Mum and Dad died now, it's like a piece of yourself is missing, there's a Sirius shaped hole in my heart and it cannot be filled, not now, not ever.
Dumbledore said the fact that I can feel pain proves that I'm human, well, if I have to feel pain like this, then I don't want to be human. I can't take it anymore, I'm hurting and nobody seems to care, they're all wrapped up in their own little problems, trivial problems compared to the loss of Sirius Black. Cant they see? I don't care about homework or girls, I don't care about the stupid bloody war and the sadistic psychopath that's out for my blood, all I want is for you to come back, make it better. Please Sirius, I need you.
Hermione tries to talk to me, but I tell her where to get off. I don't want to talk, I wish people would just realise that. If I told people what I was thinking, they'd lock me up in a straitjacket and cart me off to the ward where the other nuts are kept. Murderer or Martyr, that's what I am. That's all I'll ever be. I feel like just letting Voldemort kill me and leave the wizarding world, the world that failed you, to his mercy- or lack thereof.
I can't do that, it's not what you would have wanted. You would have wanted me to get on with my life. "Smile," you would say, "It's not worth the tears."
I don't want to smile, I can't, I won't. And as I stand here, letting the icy rain pour down my back, allowing my elephant skin clothes to cling to me, I think of you. I don't move a muscle, just staring, staring at nothing and remembering, small, memorable moments.
The time we first met.
Christmas, you pranked Remus, he was spitting feathers for months.
Your arms around me, the warmth of your chest and the steady, reassuring thrum of your heart beneath the skin, muscle, bone and sinew.
That is all gone now, the heart no longer beats in your chest, those arms will never be around me again. The thought hits me like a freight train, destination Loony Town, I scream, alarming a squirrel, causing it to dart up a tree. I kick, I scream, I tear the grass from the roots and punch the ground until my knuckles bleed, I kick the dustbin over, spreading the pungent litter every which way. Finally, I sink to the ground, bleeding and broken.
For I am Harry Potter, I am broken and I cannot be repaired. I'll just fulfil my duty, to kill the bad guy. Then, I'll be dumped on the rubbish heap, along with the rest of the unwanted, abused and unloved. That's how it is. Goodbye Sirius Black, Marauder, Godfather, friend.