Dicsclaimer: Not mine.
Spoilers: The End, FTF
A/N: I really really really didn't want to write this, but i had to get it out before it devoured my insides. Don't worry, there will be more as soon as i commit myself to the logistics of it. I think i might ban myself from watching season 6 after this. Ug.
The Fowley Effect
Scully wanted to scream. Throw herself on the floor, kick, scream, and cry like a two year old. She had once witnessed her nephew in such a state after he was told he couldn't have any ice-cream. She had been flabbergasted at his actions. He looked like he wasn't even aware of his body; like he was possessed. He had lost all control.
She wanted to feel that.
Instead, she sighed and tossed her keys on the kitchen table, then headed straight for the cupboard that had chocolate in it. She found the Hershey's bar and considered it for a moment. He wasn't worthy of driving her to chocolate. She put the candy back into the cupboard.
Maybe a bubble bath would help. She went into the bathroom and started the water, putting in extra bubbles.
Mulder had gone too far. Ditching her was one thing. Ditching her to run off with Diana Fowley and nearly get himself killed was another. Diana falsified her reports, those lies resulting in Mulder looking like an idiot. And all Mulder could do was defend Diana. When Scully had honestly told him that the test results could not prove what he was saying, he lashed out at her. The fact of the matter was that he didn't care how hard she tried. She could never be to him what Diana was. No matter how often she saved him, no matter how many times she put herself on the line for him, it would never be enough.
And the most recent of their escapades... Scully had dug up information on Diana and he refused to believe it. If someone came to him with information like that on Scully, he would accept it faster than he could say "I want to believe." Diana had warped his mind to the point that he was barely recognizable. He wasn't the man that held her hand in the hospital, the man that attended her daughter's funeral, or even the man that took care of her when she had a cold. Now he was Diana's man.
Let him have her.
She blinked a few times before registering the voice as her conscience. She sighed again. It was right. If she really cared about him she would let him have what he wanted. She wanted him to be happy. She thought about that for several minutes. Could she really get over it, walk away, let him do what he wanted?
Yes.
It would be hard, and she would know that he was doing something that could be detrimental, but it didn't seem to matter anymore. She could let him know that she would always be there for him, then move on to a new phase in her life. If he wanted to keep in contact, that was fine. But he didn't owe her that, nor did he want it.
She'd quit the FBI. Go back to medicine. Maybe start a family practice, or work for a pediatrician. She could even move somewhere closer to her mother. Maybe she would move to Georgia to be near her brother. Or maybe she would just see where a job opened up, go wherever the career change took her. She smiled. It would be an adventure. One she could have all by herself. She could make all of her own decisions, not have to take anyone else into account. It would be freeing.
She slipped into the tub just as her cell phone rang. She rolled her eyes and grabbed it off the back of the toilet.
"Scully."
"Hey Scully, it's me. I need you to-"
"No."
"No what?"
"Whatever it is that you want me to do, I'm not doing it."
"Scully, what are you-"
"I'm not your assistant. I'm not your partner. I'm not your friend. You have no business asking me for anything right now."
"Scully, what are you talking about?"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about and you know exactly why I'm talking about it. I think you owe it to me to respect that."
"What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing's wrong with me, Mulder. I've just come to some conclusions about things."
"Like?"
"Nothing I want to discuss with you right now."
"Talk to me Scully."
"You know what, Mulder? It's useless. You don't listen to me anyway."
"Yes I do."
"No you don't. I can't work like this anymore. I won't."
"Scully, are you trying to tell me that you're quitting?"
She was quiet.
"I'm not talking about this over the phone. I'm coming over."
"Please don't Mulder."
"I'll be there in a few minutes."
"Mulder don't. I don't want to see you; I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone."
She was talking to dead air.
Mulder knocked on the door twenty minutes later. Scully sat on the couch, redressed in jeans and a t-shirt, and refused to get up. Maybe he would go away. Instead he used his key.
"You thought I would just give up and go home didn't you?" he asked, sitting down on the other end of the couch.
"No. You just didn't give me a chance to get up," she lied, avoiding his eyes.
"Scully, what's going on?"
"Nothing."
"You're threatening to leave."
"I'm not threatening. I've already made the decision."
"You haven't talked to me about it yet."
"Is it imperative that I do? Mulder, I've lost my sister, my daughter and my life to this job. I'm about to lose you. I'd rather cut my losses now and get it over with. Please let me do this."
"Scully, I need you."
"You don't. You never did. We just had this conversation, Mulder."
"And at the end of it you were pretty convinced that you should stay. What changed?"
"You did."
"I haven't changed, Scully."
"Yes you have. You wanted me to stay because it would be better or easier for you. And I wanted to honor that, so I planned on staying. But I realized that you didn't care about what was best for me. I'll always be your friend, Mulder, but this job isn't worth my life anymore."
"This is about Diana."
"Partially, it is. The way you treat her is head and shoulders above the way you treat me. And if you want to be her partner, that's fine. If you want to work with her, admit it. Don't lie to yourself and don't lie to me."
"What makes you think I would want to work with her?"
"Because she validates your work. She makes you legitimate. She makes your life easier. Why wouldn't you want to work with her?"
"She's not you."
"I know she's not. All the more reason for you to want to work with her. Right?"
"Wrong. Scully, you are my partner."
"By force. You didn't choose me. You can choose her."
"But I did choose you. Last time the X-Files were reopened, I had a choice. I chose you to be my partner. I never told you that, but you can ask Skinner if you don't believe me. I've always wanted you by my side, no matter how bad I've been at showing it."
"It's more than that, Mulder. I don't want this life anymore. If I leave it's not going to ruin you. You'll be okay. You have Skinner, and the Gunmen and Diana. You'll be fine."
"They're not you."
"I'm sorry, but I have to do this. Will you please let me?"
He sighed and put his face in his hands so she couldn't see the tears that were coming.
"Where will you be?"
"I don't know yet. I'm not staying in DC."
"You're not just quitting the FBI, you're moving too?"
"Yes. I need to get completely away. I would appreciate if you didn't try to find me."
"You hate me that much?"
"I don't hate you, Mulder. I could never hate you. I just realized that I don't belong here anymore. I don't really love the idea of leaving you, but I need to."
"Will you keep in touch?" he asked, for lack of anything better to say.
"Not at first. But eventually I'll let you know where I am."
"You know what, Scully?" he shouted, suddenly standing up and pacing the room. "Don't even bother. You've made it pretty clear how you feel."
"Mulder, you don't get to be mad right now," she replied calmly, playing with the fringe on one of her throw pillows.
"Why not?"
"Because I haven't done anything wrong."
"You're betraying me."
"No I'm not, Mulder. That's what Diana does, and I resent the implication that I do the same. I would never do that to you."
"You're leaving me and I need you."
"I'm your crutch, Mulder. It's time you learned to walk on your own. I'm going to bed now. I'll let you know before I leave."
She stood from the couch and turned to go into her bedroom. Mulder watched her until she was almost to her door before racing after her. He grabbed her arm and pulled her back, holding her tightly against him.
"I won't let you do this."
"Mulder let me go."
"No. You can't leave like this, just because you're mad at me. Whatever this is, we can fix it. We always do. Even when you run off to Philadelphia and get a tattoo and go on a date with some psychopath, we fix it. When I go undercover without telling you and almost get myself killed, we fix it. We can fix this, Scully. Tell me we can fix it."
"Mulder, there's nothing to fix. It's over. Let me go."
"I can't. I won't. I love you."
"Mulder, why would you wait to tell me that when I'm about to do something that you don't want me to do? Now you're just trying to manipulate me."
"Scully, I'm not. I just... I don't know what to say to you. I don't want to lose you."
"You're not going to lose me, Mulder. You're not, I promise. I just need to be away from you for a while. I need to be done with this."
"Then go on an extended vacation. Or get a job here. Stay in DC. Scully I can't imagine not seeing you or talking to you every day. Just... think about it some more before you make a decision."
"Mulder, I've thought about it. I've been thinking about it since Dallas. I'm not making this decision because I'm mad at you or because I'm discouraged or anything like that. It's time for me to go."
He sighed and leaned down to hug her.
"I don't want you to leave."
"I have to."
"And I can't come with you?"
"No, Mulder."
"Okay. I guess I have to let you go then, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Right this minute?"
"No. But eventually, you're going to have to."
"When is eventually?"
"I don't know."
"Where are you going to work?"
"I'm not sure."
"Where are you going to live?"
"I have no idea."
"So what exactly do you have planned?" he asked, pulling back to look at her.
"Maybe not everything, but I have somewhere to start from."
"This is going to be the last time I see you for a while, isn't it?"
"Probably."
"Can I spend the night?"
She chuckled and pulled away from him.
"No Mulder, you can't. You need to go home now."
"So that's really the end. You don't feel it's worth it to work on this?"
"It is Mulder. But I don't want to live a lie anymore. My time with you is over. You need to move on."
"But we'll still be friends?"
"Mulder, give me a while to get settled and I will call you and you can come and visit me."
"We aren't going to be friends. Not the same way that we are."
"Even if I stayed, we wouldn't be friends like that again."
"Scully, I love you."
"I love you too. Just let me do this. Maybe it will be a mistake and in six months I'll come crawling back to the basement office and you can hold it over my head forever. But that's a chance I need to take. I don't want you to think that this isn't hard for me. I'm putting on a brave face, but this really kills me inside."
"I wish it didn't have to be this way."
"Me too."
"I'll miss you."
"I know. You need to go now."
"Alright. Let's just pretend that I'm going to see you tomorrow."
"Usual time. Goodnight, Mulder."
"Goodnight, Scully."
Dear Mulder,
I know I said that I didn't want to talk to you for a while, but there are some things that I didn't say the other night that I think you need to hear. It won't be all negative, so please don't get mad and stop reading in the middle.
The first issue is with Diana. I know that you don't want to hear it, but you owe it to me to listen. When I told you that Diana was keeping track of abductees, I was hoping I wouldn't have to spell it out for you. Some of the reports that the gunmen hacked into contained my name. I don't know how much she knew about what happened to me, but the fact of the matter is that she did know some of it. I don't think I need to explain to you how that makes me feel.
The second issue is with Diana, indirectly, but more about the person you are when you're with her. I don't know you when she's in close proximity. You're not the man I know. I don't trust you when you're with her. Part of that may be due to the fact that I just plain don't like her. But I think most of it really is the person you become. You're closed off to everything, more closed off than you have ever accused me of being. You dismiss me and seem to forget what we've been through together. You even forget the things we've said to each other, regarding our partnership and our friendship. I don't even like you when you get that way, Mulder. And that hurts. It hurts really bad.
I know how you must be feeling right now. You're probably really mad at me for all the crap I just said, and for leaving you, and for refusing to talk to you. But I also know that in your heart you want me to be happy and safe, no matter how much it hurts you. I know that you love me and want the best for me, and once you get comfortable with this new phase of life, I know you'll remember and accept that.
I could never have dreamed up a better partner. You were always there when I needed you, and even when I thought I didn't. You know me better than anyone on earth. You understand me and respect me. Skinner told me when I handed in my letter of resignation that he had never seen a pair of agents that were more suitable for each other than we are. I have to agree with him.
You make me a better person. You never let me take the easy way out, which frankly makes me want to kill you sometimes. I like myself more because who I have come to be because of you.
I have never loved anyone more than I love you. I would never go into a haunted house with anyone else, much less drag them to my mothers the next day for Christmas dinner. I would never let anyone else see me without make-up or without my hair done. And it's not because I don't care, it's because I know it makes no difference to you. If I caught anyone else staring at me the way you do I would not be responsible for my actions. If anyone else ever touched me the way you do they would have a lawsuit on their hands. But you've earned the right to all that, Mulder. You have my heart. And there is always a big place for you in mine.
There are about a million more things I could say to you, but I'll leave you with this. No matter what I do, what I say or don't say, I want you to know that I am proud of you. The passion you have, the integrity you display, and the ferocity with which you love and search for the truth. You are someone my father would have looked up to, and that's saying a lot. Captains don't look up to anyone.
If you ever need anything, if you have an emergency, or when you find your sister, call my mom. She'll get the message to me. And if you need me I will be there, no matter what.
I love you, you crazy man. Be nice to your next partner and for goodness sakes, get them a desk. (Just don't let them sit in my chair, okay?)
Love,
Dana