"Things could get embarrassing…"
B'Elanna pulled back from the kiss, gently removing his hands. Standing up she walked to the back of the Flyer, unsure about what to say next. She did not look at Tom. She could hear him shuffle out of his seat and his footsteps following her.
"Do you really want me to beg?" He asked. The flippant tone of his voice was gone. "Or do you want me to withdraw the question?" She couldn't summon up the words to answer him. "B'Elanna…."
"The day you told me about the race I made up my mind that it was over between us," She said. Now she turned around. Taking a step back, his mouth dropped open. "I was going to break up with you, after this race."
"But...but I said I would give it up if that's what you wanted." Was it her words or their recent brush with death that caused his face to flush like that?
"It wasn't the race, Tom. It was a whole lot of things. The race was just the final straw. I worked hard to make that weekend happen. Hours of creating the program, begging people for their time. The thing is, that wasn't the first time that happened. Is it any wonder that I felt like I was...low on your list of priorities?"
"You should have said something," he said. A bruise was starting to show on the side of his face. She could feel the muscles on one side of her body start to contract with pain.
"And crush that glow of excitement you had on your face? Ruin everyone's plans? Be the bad guy when there was no good reason to say no? I reached the point where I thought we didn't belong together. I wanted something out of this relationship and you just wanted to have fun. I called it a Mok 't ah. A bad match." The volume of her voice was rising. All the frustration from the past three years was starting to spill out. He shut his mouth, took another step forward. Now he was in control of himself.
"How was I supposed to know that? When you say things are fine, I think they're fine. I'm not a mind reader! I…." His voice had started to become animated and he was at the point where he would start waving his hands around but he stopped, letting them drop to his side. "I admit I do tend to get carried away with things." He looked down at the floor, his face slightly twisted as he concentrated on something. After a long few minutes, he looked back up again. " I guess from your point of view it did look like I was putting everything else ahead of you. I'm sorry."
"That's exactly what it looked like. What was I supposed to think? Over and over again for three years. You find something new and I would go right out the window." Several emotions played out over his face. Astonishment went to confusion and then sudden realization. Then fear. If she kept going like this she would start to yell so she needed to start toning it down.
That doesn't mean I wanted you to throw the race…"she added hastily in an attempt to soften the accusations.
"It was just a race. I would have given it up if I had known how much the weekend meant to you. Forget the 'glow of excitement on my face and ruining everyone's plans. You'll never be the 'bad guy'." She didn't know what to say to that. She wanted to believe him.
A long silence passed between them interrupted by a beep to the conn.
"Voyager to Delta Flyer. Report." The Captain's voice cut through their personal moment of silence. Tom hit his communicator but he did not take his eyes off of her.
"We're alright Captain. We had to eject the Warp Corp. The Flyer is pretty badly damaged but it's nothing we can't fix."
"We'll have to wait about thirty minutes for the residual effects of the explosion to dissipate before we can get you out of there."
"We'll be fine, Captain, Paris Out," Tom said. His eyes had not moved the whole time." B'Elanna. "I meant what I just said." He took a step forward and took her hands." I don't ever want you to feel like anything is more important to me than you. I'm so sorry if that somehow got lost in translation. Anytime you feel like I'm putting something ahead of you, say something! Please!" She allowed his words to sink in. At this moment in time, he was sincere. He meant what he said but she wasn't ready to give in, not just yet.
"It's your turn," She said. She had to let him have his moment.
"What do you mean, my turn?" he asked.
"I just said what was on my mind. I was kind of harsh. You tell me what's on yours. I know there's something you want to get off your chest about me. Now is the time."
"I don't think…" he pulled his hands away and started back toward the pilot's seat.
"If you are going to do something as serious as propose marriage then you are going to tell me whatever it is that you might have been holding back. I just did." Her voice was as stern as she could make it. She softened her voice deliberately. "It's only fair. I'm a big girl. I can take it."
He didn't turn around but sat back down in the pilot's seat. Following him, she took her place beside him. It was several minutes before he swiveled around to face her. The bruise on his face was turning a glorious purple.
"Ok. If we're going to do this….when the Maquis died." He held up his hand anticipating her outburst but slowly lowered it when he realized she was going to remain silent. "In the beginning, you could have said something to me. Anything. But you just had to hold it in. Not trust me. Maybe you wouldn't think I would understand. B'Elanna, I killed three of my friends. I've been to that empty place. I knew what it was like. I know what you did wasn't personal but I had nightmares about it, seeing you lying dead in the holodeck because you accidentally killed yourself because you needed to feel something." B'Elanna was startled by the appearance of a sudden tear. Redness appeared at the edge of his eyes. It seemed so long ago now. The pulling away, the void. At the time she thought he would be angry but he never said anything more about it.
"I thought you understood," she said.
"That's just it. I did understand but I never said anything because you were coming out of the dark. It wasn't the time or the place or appropriate. I had to let you get better...but when I think of all the dangerous things you were doing and how close I might have come to losing you..." She started to reach out to him but he held up a hand, shaking his head slightly.
"Then there was the whole business with Crell Mosset. I understood your convictions but...but you were just going to let yourself die… and there was no place for me when you made that decision. I had more nightmares. You laying dead in sickbay, refusing treatment." The original tear ran down his cheek, replaced by more. "Then you did it again, allowing yourself to be flat lined. Damn it B'Elanna," He slammed his fist down on the console. "But I just stood there, again while you played games with your life. More nightmares,. For all my faults at least I wasn't dealing with life and death. There. I've said it. " She had seen him cry before always in a restrained kind of way. Not this time. She started to wipe the tears from his cheek but he pulled away.
"Tom, none of those things were about you."
"I know, I guess I was just I low on YOUR list of priorities?" His words hit her so hard she couldn't breathe. Why hadn't she considered all those decisions from his point of view? "You asked me to be honest. I'm being honest." he continued. He looked down at his hands. "I've crossed the line, haven't I? You've got every right to make any decision you want about your own life...but at the same time I've got every right to feel like this," he said pointing to his own tear stained face.
"Tom, I'm sorry. I guess I'm not the only one who's guilty of a lack of communication. This makes my...complaints about you seem so frivolous." The events he spoke of were a blur in her memory. She had been so wrapped up in HER Feelings, HER convictions, what SHE had to do. It was all about her and HER needs. He was right. There were times when her actions were just as selfish as anything he had done.
"I thought, maybe it was the Klingon half talking and I had no right to interfere but, to be honest, Klingon or not, it was damn hard!" This time, it was a clenched fist that hit the console.
"My Klingon half? I had no idea all of that affected you so deeply." What was wrong with her?
"You didn't think it would affect me? I love you B'Elanna. How the hell did you expect it to affect me?" How the hell indeed.
"I thought, I don't know how to put this into words." She struggled for an explanation that would convey her own feeble attempts to understand herself. "I honestly believed that you would be alright in the end. You don't dwell on things, you move on. I thought you would be able to move on from me...get over me. Like everyone else in my life has somehow managed to do."
He let out a small laugh. This time, he reached out to her, letting his hand caress her cheek. "Why on earth would you think that I would...that I could...just get over you? Do you honestly think you mean that little to me? Do you still think you're not worth it? Believe me, B'Elanna, to me, you're worth it."
She allowed the full force of his words to sink in." I guess, even after three years, I'm still not used to someone having these kinds of feelings for me. I'm sorry for not believing you. I won't ever assume that about you again, Tom. I...I love you. No more ...playing with my life."
A moment of staring into each other's eyes. She came to a snap decision like she always did...it was now or never. She needed to know that he really meant it, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
Standing up she walked over to the middle of the Flyer, motioning him to come and stand with her. Without a word, he followed her, standing face to face with her.
"jIH dok!" She said it with a growl exuding more confidence than she felt. He might laugh and walk away. He might want to talk some more...
"jIH dok," he repeated, surprising her. The tears were still on his face but a slight smile worked its way into his eyes.
"You know what that means?" She asked.
"Yes, I think so." He took a moment to wipe the tears away. He pulled back and this time, a full-blown smile crossed his face. "Did you just propose to me in Klingon? And did I just accept?"
"Yes." Of all the impulsive things she had ever done. Every sudden decision she ever made came back to haunt her.
"Are you doing what I think you're doing?"
"We are taking the oath," she said. Could she even remember it? A long time ago her mother made her read about it and repeat it until she knew it by memory, along with countless other chants and Klingon declarations.
"I thought you weren't much for Klingon rituals," he said. That was true but right now it was important. Very important.
"Not the public ones. You proposed in the old fashion human way. I accept. Now we're cementing our bond in the old fashioned Klingon way. This one is private, between you and me. There will be a little bloodletting."
"That's ok. I'm a medic. The crew will be sorry they missed this...," he said.
"Neelix can always throw us a party later." She moved to take his hand, going through the motions of sniffing his wrist. She knew that for the rest of her life the smell of smoke would remind her of this moment. "If you are serious about this, then repeat after me….and do what I do." She let out another small growl.
"I am serious. More serious than I've ever been about anything, if this is what you really want." He reached out to take her hand, following her lead. "This isn't how I imagined it to be...but it's kind of romantic, in its own way. It will be kind of cool to show off the scars."
She stopped long enough to enjoy his smile. "Just think of this as the Klingon equivalent of... mushy stuff."