The funerals were always the same. Long, lugubrious ballads by piano, choral droning, rose petals scattered on pools of white silk. Melting candles with flickering flames, somber faces. Tears. Fuck, the tears.
Levi did not cry. No one had ever seen him cry, and no one ever would. The corporal was content to keep his emotions where they belonged, in the bedroom. This was where he laughed, where he screamed, where he made love to Eren on the eve of his death… where he cried, long and hard, when the fucking brat died. This was where he'd taken Eren's virginity and ungraciously forced his cravat into his mouth, hissing, "I'll kill you if you can't keep your damn voice down, shitty brat."
In his arms, Eren flew, gasped, moaned, laughed, cried, smiled… and died. Levi's shoulders went rigid and he had held Eren's corpse to him with lifeless eyes. Erwin had finally pried the boy from him much later, but Levi could still hear his swan song, Eren's final withering heartbeats resonating through his shaking palms and pulsing in his ears.
"I never told him," he'd murmured, and Erwin, apologetically, had set a gentle hand on his shoulder and hauled him off.
Levi wiped his eyes on his bedsheet and sniffed for the thousandth time. His tears seemed endless- he hadn't cried for the rest of his squad, though his heart had implored him to. He had bottled his emotions continuously, and now they overflowed, and every small occurrence that had dared pass his defenses to hurt him was coming back in full force- the most prevalent of all being Eren's young death.
"Fucking brat," he choked out, eyes glazed red in pain. "Making me soil my bedsheets even more than usual…" He held Eren's riding cloak in his hands and raised it to his nose, inhaling the sharp scent of the young soldier. He broke all over again, slamming his fists into the mattress in agitation at crying, at feeling. How he abhorred feeling. He ran a hand through his hair when he had controlled himself, sighing laboriously.
"If you were here, I'd kick your fucking ass, Jaeger," he cursed to the empty room. He held the cloak close to him, trying to envision Eren's form wrapped in its contours, and curled up, closing his burning red eyes.
"I loved you, you shitty brat."