Genres: Sick romance and twisted, twisted humor.
Special Conditions: MERMEN. MERMEN MERMEN MERMEN.
How the Idea was created: My attempt at a summertime romance.
Dedication: Leeeeeen. I meant to write you a gift-fic AGES ago, but then I found out your birthday, and I was like "Oh HO, I oughta write her an epic" and held off for so long. So. THIS FIC IS FOR Prisoner Len. SHE'S AWESOME. AND IT'S HER BIRTHDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. *waves*
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or the characters within it. I am gaining no profit from this work of fan-fiction.
Warnings: Everyone's OOC here. Gay mermen. Rather mafia-like Turks. Panicking Cloud. You have been warned. Oh yeah…and my Microsoft Word has been nomming words from all my poster stories. So if you see anything suddenly cut off—like words or sentences—you know what
._._._.
Fins
A Swishy Final Fantasy VII Fan-Fiction
._._._.
Okay. Cloud closed his eyes, breathing in and out slowly. Okay. You can do this. Just breathe.
He was standing at the railing of the ship, clutching the metal with both hands. Below, the boat had stopped, but the water was still sloshing against the sides, churned from the engine. It was okay. Cloud had seen this done a lot of times before. He'd been scuba-diving half his life. He could DO this.
Oh, there was a problem.
He'd never gone scuba diving in an old-time diving suit.
Right now, he felt like he weighed a hundred more pounds then he already was. The bulky bronze suit was roomy, too; every time he shifted, his leg hit a different side. Plus the fact it was freakishly hot. The helmet wasn't even on yet, and Cloud was burning. Who made these things and thought it was safe to go under the freakin' ocean?
Breathe in, breathe out.
Right when Cloud had finally regulated his breathing, someone clapped him—hard—on the shoulder. With a shriek, Cloud clutched the railing in a death grip, plastering himself against it in an honest attempt to keep from toppling over the side. Once his stomach had stopped protesting, he whipped his head around, giving a weak glare. Tseng only smirked, his hands folded neatly behind his back. Though he had on a dark suit, he didn't look the least bit hot.
"Does the suit accommodate you well, Mr. Strife?" he asked politely, leaning forward a little. He brushed at imaginary dust on the diving suit's shoulder, and Cloud recoiled.
"Why can't I just use a regular diving suit?" Cloud grumbled. "It'll be quiet, it'll be fast, and there'll be no…danger."
Tseng tilted his head a little, leaning in even closer to Cloud's ear. Cloud leaned back, feeling the pressure of the railing against the back of his suit.
"Listen, Mr. Strife," Tseng said quietly. "The only reason we have along is neither for your safety, nor your expertise in this current endeavor. We know you are nothing more than the owner of one mediocre bait and tackle shop—"
"Heir," Cloud corrected instinctively. "Heir of the best supply of bait and tackle this side of the—"
"Right," Tseng interrupted, obviously not interested in Cloud's little rehearsed advertisement. "Due to the fact that we happened to need someone we have 'dirt on', as some of my men call it, your uncle was the perfect person. Due to the fact, however, that he is both out of town and neither…quite stable enough to undertake this task, the mission, as it is, falls to you." Tseng smiled tightly, the gleam in his eyes quite abruptly disappearing, leaving them two black liquid pools. "Do not protest against it, either. We both know that the information I have not only blackens your uncle's name, but yours as well."
Cloud bit his lip, breaking eye contact. As much as he hated to admit it, Tseng was right. There was nothing quite like having an accidental drunk murder in the family to tarnish the entire family name. Darn that Cloud had to be the one always forsaken and left to this stuff. Darn the fact that Uncle Cid couldn't keep these things to himself!
"Precisely," Tseng said, straightening up smoothly.
"That still has nothing to do with me wearing this," Cloud mumbled, with a little less confidence than before.
For the first time since Cloud had been kidnapped and dragged off on this wild thing, Tseng hesitated. "The suit is, if I put it this way, Mr. Strife…for your own safety."
Cloud stared. "Um. What?" He rephrased himself. "You mean boltin' me in here is for my own protection?"
"Strange…things have happened in these parts of the ocean," Tseng said carefully. "Having you attached to the boat would both ensure your own safety, and the return of what we seek. Observe."
He turned, gesturing to someone at the far end of the boat. Cloud turned, watching as a lanky redhead, dressed in a suit, of all things, waved at him from the far end of the ship. As he watched, the guy began rolling up a cable, and Cloud's helmet—which he just realized the cable was attached to—flew out of his hands, skidding across the deck before slamming with a resounding clang onto the spool.
Cloud stared at Tseng.
"We will be able to pull you up quickly in case of danger," Tseng continued smoothly, oblivious to Cloud's horror. "Three tugs and we'll bring you up. Also, it is handy in that if any…officials come along, we will be able to use the excuse of reenactment."
Cloud did a double take as the same redhead from before suddenly popped up in front of him. Instead of his previous suit, he was now wearing a Hawaiian print t-shirt and a pair of rumpled khaki shorts. As much as Cloud hated to admit it…he did look rather touristy.
And that was how Cloud found himself bolted into an old-time suit, being lowered foot by painstaking foot into cool, clear water.
He was going to kill Uncle Cid.
Providing that he survived himself, of course.
Reno, as Cloud had come to be introduced, was doing a lot of the lowering, meaning that it was as uncomfortable as it could be. Cloud was bounced and jostled like crazy, gritting his teeth as his body was repeatedly slammed against the sides of the suit. Any possible fish had fled, leaving him spinning alone through the suddenly dark water. Why did the ships all have to sink away from the pretty areas?
Cloud reached up as practiced, fumbling with the headlight. It was pink, due to it not being on the old suit, but instead bought at one of those "girl power" hardware stores by the men on their way over—but as long as it worked, Cloud wasn't complaining.
The only thing was, it was tough to maneuver in these old gloves, and the switch kept slipping between his bulky fingers. Cloud gritted his teeth, trying to keep himself steady as he reached up the other hand, using both to work at the switch. With a slide, the switch flicked on…
…just quick enough for Cloud to see the tail end of a huge fish slide just out of the circle of light.
Cloud blinked, hard, but now all he saw was just murky, dark water.
Okay. His eyes were totally playing tricks on him. There were no fish that size around here.
He hoped.
A feeling of nervousness jolting through his stomach, Cloud gave a quick tug on his cable. He'd had enough of dangling around in the water; he suddenly felt a lot like a worm on a hook. With a sudden jerk, Cloud plummeted. He didn't breathe until he finally hit bottom.
Walking around, he quickly decided, was kinda like walking on the moon. Because of the extra weight, all he had to do was either shuffle around through the sand—which he quickly decided was way too hard—or take giant strides, kind of bobbing up and down with the water. This deep, the sunlight filtered down much like it would in a forest, mottling the sand in wavy, constantly moving patterns. Mid-ocean, as Cloud could see from looking up, was more of a dark place; but at the bottom was almost as bright as if it were right under the sun. For a moment, Cloud just stood and stared in pure, unadulterated wonder. He'd never been down this deep before.
A sharp tug on the cable reminded him of his mission, though, and Cloud swiveled his head around, wincing as he noticed another boat pulling up next to Tseng's. Time to hurry things along.
The shipwreck wasn't hard to find, as it was the tallest thing in the area. It took some scrabbling, but Cloud managed to drag himself up a few rocks until he was level enough with the deck to jump on board.
The thing was a wreck, unsurprisingly. Cloud shuffled at a board experimentally, wincing as it shredded easily. The deck was covered in slime and gaping holes. Thankfully, there were no human skeletons, but as it was a pretty old ship, Cloud prepared himself for a horrible surprise.
Tugging at his lifeline twice, the cable slackened, and Cloud inched to the edge of a hole, peering down as he prepared to lower into it. It was time to find treasure.
It was that exact instance that something big whizzed by, just to the side of where the glass in Cloud's helmet stopped.
Cloud whipped his head around.
Nothing was there.
Again, a strange shape moved by, impossibly fast, on Cloud's other side. This time, Cloud whirled his entire body—
—just in time to see that huge fish tail, again, disappearing around the rotten cabin!
For a moment, Cloud gaped. It wasn't a shark, for sure-it didn't have the tail for it, and sharks didn't have fish scales like that. Plus, if he could see correctly, it was…bright green?
Yet another movement from out of the corner of his eye, and Cloud turned his head yet again; but this time, it wasn't a fish tail.
Cloud jerked back with a choked scream.
There, floating in front of him, was a man. Or at least a man's body. His hair was spread out in the water, rippling and flowing and—and—silver? And his eyes were wide open, a vivid, piercing shade of green. A smirk was etched onto his face.
As far as Cloud could see, he had no legs.
Cloud was facing a smirking human torso that had probably been killed—probably by Tseng's men—and he was next—and—
Still moving backwards, Cloud's thick boot clomped through the rotten deck. Quickly losing balance, he tumbled backwards, slamming hard, not to mention painfully, on his back. He could only see upwards, the water still flowing peacefully along, but to heck with that. Where was that creepy man-ghost-thing? Where'd he gone?
That was when Cloud suddenly felt a tug on the top of his head, right on the cable.
His oxygen cable.
Not to mention his only connection to topside.
With a shriek, Cloud kicked his legs, trying to get up and around. Whatever was working on the cable was fast, though, and with a sudden, achingly un-dramatic sounding pop, Cloud's life line snapped in two.
Instinctively, Cloud began gasping for air, even though there was still oxygen left. Finally, he completely held his breath. He didn't remember how these things worked, but if he was right, the tank was filling with water every second now.
Right at that imperative moment, he was abruptly jerked upwards.
Wide-eyed, Cloud swiveled his head, stupidly discovering that his helmet didn't swivel. Instead, he saw, at least five feet under him, his oxygen cable.
It was tied tightly to the deck rail, adorned with a neat bow.
It was then that Cloud knew he was going to die.
Something else joined the first one, and the direction was abruptly changed, moving downwards. Cloud began flailing and screaming, then gulping for air as the pressure began to slowly squeeze his ribcage inwards. The water around grew dark. Something flitted across Cloud's window to the world, apparently peering in on him as it continued—Cloud was sure of it now—dragging him under. Bubbles swirled upwards. The comforting light from above grew smaller and smaller.
It was just Cloud and darkness now.
Just when he thought his lungs would burst, the position changed, suddenly surging upwards. Cloud's ears popped as red flashes lit up in front of his eyes. Maybe he would suffocate to death before whatever had him reached…wherever it was going…
This thought came too soon, however, as Cloud was thrown out of the water.
The first thing Cloud processed was land. Then, that he still couldn't breathe. He reached up, unscrewing the helmet before finally pulling it off. After a moment of coughing and wheezing, Cloud finally looked up and around.
He was in some sort of natural cave, from the looks of it. The ceiling wasn't very high; if he stood, he would have to hunch over double. Everything was craggy brown rock; yet, jutting out at awkward angles from it were glowing rocks of different colors, something Cloud had never seen before. They shone cheerily, filling the silent cave with soft, dim light.
Cloud's eyes, however, quickly settled back on the water.
The ledge that stretched around the length of the small cave was just wide enough to perch on. This meant that he was pressed awkwardly against the wall. Any small change in position would mean sliding right into the pool…right with whatever had dragged him there.
Was that its plan? Was it hidden, just beneath the surface, just waiting for Cloud to mess up and splash into the water?
Cloud shivered, pulling his legs in as tightly as he could to his bronze-covered chest. The huge pool before him still sloshed merrily from his arrival, lapping at his boots, and he scooted back against the wall even more. He didn't want the thing in the water to get any ideas. Not yet.
He only looked away for a second—just diagonal from where his ledge was, just to see if it was wider. When he turned back, though, his heart jumped into his throat. Slowly, just under the surface, a dark shadow took form. It skimmed back and forth, heading for one wall and then the other, as if searching for something. Wide-eyed, Cloud smashed himself against the back of his suit, head snapping back and forth as the shadow lazily drew closer and retreated. On second thought, he picked up his discarded helmet. If he was going to get eaten, the least he could do was go down with a fight.
Something broke the surface of the churning water, shaking its head out. Two muscled, bronzed shoulders followed, then a tanned chest and stomach. Two hands reached up, carding back dripping black locks.
There, right in front of Cloud, was a guy, staring right at him as he wrung out his hair. His face was tanned and…maybe friendly, okay, Cloud would admit it...with the strangest eyes that Cloud had ever seen, almost a purple-blue. He obviously wasn't treading water, judging by the gentle bobbing that he was doing in the still water; neither did he have on a diving suit, which he had to wear in order to get to these depths. He wasn't wheezing or gasping at all, and Cloud knew something was definitely wrong with that because his ears were still throbbing from the depth. The problem was, Cloud didn't know what to do. He was scared stiff.
They stared at each other for a moment.
Slowly, the guy lifted up his hand, folding back all his fingers until only his index finger and thumb were out. Cloud watched in horror as the gun shape rotated, until it pointed straight at his chest.
The suspected monster clicked his tongue.
Once.
"Hey," the guy said, in the sort of breathy voice lifeguards usually reserved for bikini-clad girls. He flashed a sharp, white-toothed grin.
Cloud shrieked.
Fingers fumbling on the helmet, he raised it up over his head and, without even aiming, chucked it at the creature. The guy easily dodged, of course, and Cloud's only weapon splashed down into the watery depths.
"You're cute," the guy continued, not missing a beat. He ducked down under the water, easily popping up in front of Cloud and draping himself against the edge. "My name's Zack. What's your name? I don't know…you strike me as an Andy. Is it Andy? I bet my fins it is."
Cloud scrambled up and over against the wall, trying to keep as much distance between him and—and—whatever the guy was—as he could.
"St-Stay back!" he yelped, squeaking as he accidently slid closer in his panic.
"Aw, c'mon," 'Zack' said, giving him another, wider grin. "I'm not going to hurt you. If I wanted to drown you, I could've done it ages ago. I just wanted to get a better look at you." He eyed Cloud. "Mind getting in the water?"
"N-No!" Cloud, for some reason, flushed furiously at this, crossing his arms protectively across his chest for good measure.
Zack rolled his eyes. "Relax. It's probably that suit. We could easily get you out of it. Once you really feel the ocean, I'm sure you'll mellow out."
Cloud, feeling slightly braver at the fact that Zack still hadn't attempted to kill him, narrowed his eyes. "I don't want to get out of my suit. And I don't talk to strangers who drag me to underwater caves."
Zack whistled admiringly. "The goldfish has teeth."
There was a slosh across the pool, and wide-eyed, Cloud snapped his head around, sliding an inch closer to the wall. Rising from the other side was another strange man. This one snapped his neck around, shaking long, wet silver hair away from his face. Green eyes suddenly met Cloud's.
The floating torso from the shipwreck.
Cloud really, really wanted to shriek again, but this time, all he got out was a low whimper.
"Sephiroth," Zack whined, turning on the man, "He won't take off his suit."
The so named Sephiroth didn't take his eyes off of Cloud as he flipped his hair over his shoulder, kneading it out. "I suggest, Zackary, that you stop bothering him. From the looks of it, he's had a rough time."
"You're saying it like you didn't want him out of the suit," Zack huffed. "I heard you. He's the first hot thing that Tseng's sent down here so far. The other guy was way too greasy."
Cloud stiffened. For one thing—too greasy? Did they eat him or something? For another thing…
"You…know Tseng?"
Sephiroth's eyes snapped back to Cloud's, holding them there until Cloud squirmed.
"He's a bad man to fall in with," Sephiroth stated simply, gliding over next to Zack. "Though sometimes, his presence does have some…boons." His eyes glided across Cloud's suit, seemingly right through his crossed arms, before he smirked again.
"He sends a lot of people down here for that treasure," Zack said boredly, scratching at his head. "'Course, we know where it is. But where's the fun in just telling him? He sends down a different person every once in awhile."
"Wait!" Cloud said, confused. "I'm not the first?"
"No, duh," Zack said. "You're, like, the 500th." He began ticking off fingers. "There was the fat guy, he was the first one. I'm pretty sure they shot him once he chickened out and went back to the boat, because he came down without a suit in a bit. There was this dude with, like, an extra set of eyes, which was totally weird. He wanted to take Seph as a specimen, but we took great care of him." He gave his unsettling, sharp-toothed grin again, and Cloud suddenly didn't want to know what they had done to this guy. "There was another dude, but Mog got him. And then—"
"I think he gets the point, Zack." Sephiroth tossed his hair back, gliding over next to Zack. They both simultaneously looked up at Cloud, eyes glittering. Cloud swallowed hard.
"Wow," he squeaked out, his throat tight. "That's…interesting."
Sephiroth grinned. "Indeed."
There was silence, as they stared hard at Cloud and Cloud tried to melt into the wall.
"So…what…exactly…do you want?" Cloud finally asked. "And what are you?" Well, if he was going to be with them for a while, he might as well know.
Of course, they addressed the least important aspect first. "You don't know what we are?" Zack scoffed. "Dude, that's just dumb." Quick as a flash, he and Sephiroth simultaneously slipped down into the water. Feeling vulnerable, Cloud's head swiveled, trying to look for a hint of where they would pop up next.
Instead of a head, though, the water rippled, and then, coming straight out, a tail emerged.
Cloud stared.
Almost to full height now, still extending, the tail was obviously that of a fish—one that Cloud recognized to be the same one he'd seen earlier. It was a bright green, overlapped with huge scales. Another fishy tail extended upwards, beside it, too, but this one was obviously older. Tougher. The scales were a gray blue, rippled across each other.
Cloud swallowed as the tails disappeared, and Zack and Sephiroth re-emerged.
"You get it now?" Zack grinned.
Cloud opened his mouth, squeaking.
"I take that as a yes," Sephiroth said smoothly.
"You see," Zack said, "Instead of those wiggly things you have—"
"Legs," Sephiroth corrected.
"Yeah…those…" Zack made a face. "We have fins."
Cloud stared.
"Mine are pretty dern awesome, if I do say so myself. But you should see Genesis'. Man. It's all lacy and everything, like a betta fish's. It's so pretty."
Sephiroth huffed. "May I remind you who you're with?"
Zack gave him a cheeky grin, pressing up against him. "Just kidding. Genesis has Angeal, anyways, and there's no way I'd miss out on this."
And, as Cloud watched, Sephiroth pulled Zack into a very sloppy kiss, which was not only awkward on Cloud's part, but also just a bit disturbing.
Who knew that mermen could be gay?
Cloud cleared his throat nervously, and, not in the least bit embarrassed, Sephiroth and Zack very slowly separated. Sephiroth's arm was slung low around Zack's hips, and Sephiroth's hair was out in strange spikes from where Zack had grabbed at it…but neither seemed to care very much.
They had also never answered Cloud's question.
"If…if you're not going to hurt me," Cloud said, meekly, "Would you mind returning my helmet? I want to find the treasure and go back home." And for good measure… "Please." Anxiously, he bit his lip, waiting for a reply.
Sephiroth seemed to deeply consider this. "There's one more test," he finally said. "And this cave's too public a place to do it."
"Yeah," Zack scoffed. "I'm surprised Angeal and Genesis weren't here already. C'mon, Goldie. Let's move."
Suddenly realizing that Zack was talking to him, Cloud's eyes widened. "What're you talking about?"
Without saying another word, Sephiroth reached out and abruptly jerked on Cloud's leg. With a scream, Cloud was in the water.
The voyage was even more stressful than the first, considering that Cloud didn't even have a breath to start with. The most of the journey was spent panicking, thrashing, and swallowing a lot of water and—if Cloud's horrified mind was to be trusted—possibly a small fish.
The arrival at land was a lot more gently than the last one, though Cloud was too busy drowning to notice. The cave looked pretty much the same, at least to his water-logged vision. After he was pushed up onto the ledge—which was considerably wider than the last one—he curled up into the fetal position and bawled. Despite the suit, he was soaked, though with sweat instead of water. He had no helmet, which meant that his hair probably looked like someone had shot a chocobo with a high-power hose, which was considerably horrible in itself. He had no treasure, he wasn't sure if he'd peed himself or not, and he was going to die at the bottom of the ocean with two weird mermen who were gay.
When had things started getting so bad?
"Hey. Hey." Zack reached up, patting Cloud's leg. "Didn't mean to scare you like that. You okay?"
Cloud hiccupped.
"Of course he's not okay." Regardless, Sephiroth reached out and patted Cloud's leg too. Feeling considerably uncomforted, Cloud rolled over, listlessly looking at the both of them with teary, red-rimmed eyes.
"I want to go home," he whispered.
"We'll take you home," Zack crooned to him. "We just need to do one more thing."
"Why? What is it?" Cloud was considerably tired of being toyed with.
Zack pursed his lips. "Just…please don't panic."
Panic blossomed in Cloud's chest. "Don't panic about what?"
Sephiroth put his fingers to his lips. A low, ominous whistle emerged, echoing around the cave. It extended a long time before Sephiroth finally lowered his fingers, watching Cloud carefully.
"What…was that?" Cloud inched uneasily back from the water, which had started to bubble.
"Just don't panic!" Zack chirped cheerily. He and Sephiroth separated, heading for the opposite sides of the pool. "He only bites if he thinks you're junk food."
"Who only bites?" Cloud was near tears again. The water was churning now, so much so that Sephiroth and Zack's idle bobbing had turned into full on battering by the waves. Still, though, Zack's voice was completely nonchalant.
"Mog. Duh."
Before Cloud could even scream, water burst towards the top of the cave. From it emerged three huge, writhing pink tentacles. And then another. And another…again and again, until the water was clogged with suckers and pink slimy flesh. A bulbous head emerged, octopus like, with two enormous, intelligent eyes…focused right upon Cloud.
Cloud screamed.
"Who's a good boy?" Zack screamed, from somewhere within the squirming mass. "Can you tell me? Can the big boy tell me? Yeah, that's my boy!"
Ignoring his apparent owner, the monster instead pressed up against the ledge where Cloud was sitting, burbling obnoxiously. Cloud scrambled to get away, but, with apparent ease, a tentacle reached out, batting Cloud towards the edge.
"No!" Cloud screeched, kicking at it. "No!"
But, as easily as could be, a tentacle wrapped around his leg, and Cloud was flipped over until he was dangling over the monster. The tentacle let go, and Cloud fell a few, horrifying feet before he was caught by another tentacle. This one tossed him across the cave. Seeing the upcoming wall, Cloud, once again, wailed, waiting for his brains to end up splattered against the wall; but yet another tentacle smacked into him, covering him in goo and sending him in the opposite direction.
From somewhere below him, Cloud could clearly hear Zack's delighted laughter. "Wow, Goldie! He actually likes you!"
"Get me down!" Cloud sobbed back. He was about to lose his breakfast, he was sure of it, and this did not seem like a form of affection.
Another long, low whistle sounded, and abruptly, the tentacles stilled. Cloud whimpered, still dangling by one, teasing tentacle.
"Put him down, Mog," Sephiroth said calmly.
Instead of obeying, the tentacle pulled Cloud close to its head, smashing his face against the slimy flesh in a rather petulant manner. Cloud squeezed his eyes shut, waiting—but then, slowly, he realized that the monster was sinking. First the water lapped around his legs, then up to his shoulders, until finally he was shivering, trying desperately to keep his chin above water. Streaks of slime across the ceilings and the ledge were the only proof that the monster had ever been there.
Someone put their hands under his arm, pressing him against a strong chest. Cloud looked up. Sephiroth tsked concernedly at the tear trails on his face, taking a wet hand and swiping them away.
"Hey," Zack said. At some point, he'd come up behind Cloud, pressing up against him. Cloud was now sandwiched between two of the most possibly evil and gorgeous men he'd ever seen, and all he could get out was a dim sniffle.
"Why're you still crying, hm?" Very, very gently, Zack swayed against him. The feeling of a fish tail brushing against the outside of his suit—though slippery—was comforting, and Cloud leaned a little back into him.
"Mog wasn't going to hurt you, anyways," Zack continued. "I could tell when he came up. He liked you from the start."
Cloud coughed, trying not to sound pitiful and failing. "What…would he have done if he didn't like me?"
"Eaten you," Zack said simply. Upon Sephiroth's deep scowl and Cloud's increased trembling, he quickly added, "But you wouldn't have even felt it, of course. Mog's sweet like that."
For a moment, Cloud remained like that, being swayed back and forth, almost being lulled to sleep. Bravely (okay, maybe exhaustedly) he pitched forwards a bit, nestling his head in the crook of Sephiroth's shoulder. He smelled a lot like seaweed, and was more than a bit wet, but whatever.
"Y'know, Goldie," Zack suddenly said, "You're the first person who's made it this far, survived meeting us, and got Mog to like him, all at once. I guess that merits a reward. We could send you up with the treasure. There's quite a bit of it, enough to keep even Tseng happy."
Cloud considered, snuffling into Sephiroth's shoulder. He would take up the treasure. Tseng and his men would count it. Tseng would look up, say something ominous, and advance on him menacingly. Cloud would be shot and thrown overboard, and would end up Mog-food, no matter how much the meaty thing supposedly liked him. He hastily shook his head. That wasn't a good idea.
So what, then?
"You know," Zack said, slowly. Cloud hadn't noticed when his hand had come up, stroking at Cloud's shoulder. "You could lie low with us for awhile. Disappear, all of a sudden. Tseng thinks there's another casualty. We get a message out to your folks. All totally wavy."
Cloud thought a moment. The idea made him a little uneasy, but…it was a better idea than the first.
"I…I…guess so," he murmured.
"Mmm. That's good." Zack leaned in a little too close, pressing a kiss to Cloud's neck. Cloud squirmed, but didn't protest, which made Sephiroth smirk a little too widely. "We still need to know one thing, though."
"What's that?" Cloud asked faintly.
"Your name. Duh. Can't keep calling you Goldie forever, starfish."
"Cloud," Cloud sighed. "My name is Cloud."
And with that, bolted into a diving suit, helmetless, miles under the ocean in the arms of two potentially dangerous creatures, Cloud passed out.
"I like him," Zack said. "Can we keep him forever?"
Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "I think it would be best to ask him before we did anything like that." Nevertheless, he pressed a quick kiss to Cloud's salty cheek, before setting about hauling him over his shoulder. "Come on. We have some loose mast ends to tie."
._._._.
An hour had passed, and all the other Turks could tell that Reno was getting antsy. Usually, it was very, very bad to leave Reno in charge of anything, much less someone's lifeline to the surface, but in this case, Tseng deemed it safe. Mostly because Reno really, really had liked the blond kid they'd just sent, possibly, to his doom.
Still, there was probably—probably—a chance that Cloud would come up safe and sound. Reno was there, just in case.
Besides, after the lifeguard, it looked a little more authentic to have the happy-go-lucky tourist have a try at hauling up the diver.
Currently, Reno was nervous. The kid—Cloud—had been down there a long time. Almost too long, in fact, for him to still be alive. One could hope, of course, but usually, once someone was down that long, Tseng officially declared them sharkbait.
Reno pouted a little at the thought. He'd been hoping to ask Cloud out—considering that Tseng let him live.
At that moment, though, the line pulled. Once. Twice. Thrice.
"Hurry up!" Tseng called out.
Cloud was a lot heavier than any of them had remembered, and it took quite a lot of straining, and the strongest Turks, to finally haul Cloud onto the deck.
Only, it wasn't Cloud.
It was the diving suit, lying sopping wet on the deck, missing the helmet and its occupant. Out of the top spilled several bars of gold.
Tseng cocked an eyebrow, kneeling beside the suit and rummaging inside. It had been filled, from bottom to top, with gold, though that wasn't what he was looking for. When he finally pulled a hand out, it wasn't full of coins to flip through, but a chunk of old wood. He narrowed his eyes. The top handwriting was obviously Cloud's, but near the bottom…it changed.
Tseng:
Here is your treasure. Is alive. Never doing anything like that again. Will return home to family. Uncle Cid will deal with own troubles.
Bossman! This one's DEFINITELY a keeper. Why didn't you send him down sooner? I suggest not bothering him anymore, though, or we'll really give you a run for your money. Did you know how easy it is for a simple speedboat to just disappear without a trace? Imagine.
Thanks for the monster bait before. Kiss kiss! (Not really.)
"Well?" Reno peered up over Tseng's shoulder anxiously. "What does it say?"
Tseng smiled his shark-like smirk. With a toss of his hand, the wood was once again sinking to the bottom of the ocean.
"Cloud Strife is no longer any of our concern," he said, "And we have what we came for. I say we call it a day."
._._._.
Mermen, as Cloud found, had connections. A few hasty visits to some blurred faces, and soon he was being carted around in an old, holey rowboat. The only reason it wasn't sinking was—Cloud tried his best to ignore this—the holes were being stopped up by slimy tentacles. Zack and Sephiroth were riding alongside him the entire way, chattering and smiling creepily at him. Once again, as he had chanted since he'd woken, Cloud thanked whatever deity had told him to put clothes under the diving suit. It had been enough to wake up without a diving suit and Zack grinning creepily over him; he didn't want to re-imagine that without anything on at all.
An old abandoned pier was where Cloud finally, gingerly, stepped onto land. Shuffling towards the edge, he lay on his stomach, so he could see Sephiroth and Zack eye to eye. Smiling shyly, he nodded his head.
"Thanks so much. For…everything, I mean," he said, squirming awkwardly. He was going to have splinters later. "I…guess this is goodbye…so…"
Before he could finish, though, Sephiroth had grabbed at the back of his head, and Cloud was pulled into an extremely messy kiss. Before he could even blink, Zack had grabbed his shirt and tugged him over in his direction, pressing more sloppy kisses against his ear, cheek, and mouth in quick succession. Cloud hastily sat up, blinking and wiping at his face. The two beamed innocently up at him.
"Come see us. Preferably every day." Sephiroth said simply. It wasn't a request.
"O…Okay." Cloud replied dazedly, flashing them an uneven smile.
"Mog says to tell you that he looks forward to seeing you again," Zack added.
The uneven smile grew considerably uneasy, but Cloud nodded. "Me…too. I think."
Flashing him a quick salute, Zack paddled out back, turning back to yell over his shoulder. "We'll be right there for you, if you're near the water. Just look for fins."
Cloud sat there, sopping wet, watching both the sun and the rowboat sink, and smiled.
"Yeah," he said softly. "I will."
fin. ;)
._._._.
Review, please! :)
A/N: I thought it wouldn't be done in time! *lip trembles* It's DONE. It's DONE. And it's for YOU, Len. FOR YOU. *collapses* Happy Birthday. I was going to give you a merman, but I just barely escaped with my life when I attempted. At least, I think it was a merman. Are they supposed to be greasy? Eh.
ANYWAYS, thank you to everyone who attempted to help me when I attempted to give up. That means hypnoticaa, ShadesofImagination, and Tobirion. I needed a lifesaver, and you guys provided. Thanks. :)
Thanks for reading! If you review and you have your PM system turned off, I'm so, so sorry that I can't get back to you; but do know that your reviews are very, very appreciated.
Wonky author's note 'cause of sugar deprivation. Sorry.
*no mermen, Clouds, Krakens or rowboats were harmed in the making of this fic.