Title: Warrior Lost
Author: rooster dawn
pairing: Harm and Mac
Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.
Summary: Harm goes down and is lost at sea on the way back for Mac's wedding. The wedding is called off, Mac makes life hell at work, and the Admiral sends her away to deal with her loss.
Good feedback is good for the soul and my happiness.
Part one The engagement party
Friday
11 May 2001
Admiral's home
It was one week ago that the Admiral had asked her about the Colonel's engagement party. He thought he had missed it. He hadn't heard anything about the party. Surely his staff would have been talking about it in the office if there had been one.
Harriet smiled when she had told him that there hadn't been an engagement party for the Colonel yet. It was usually the Matron of Honor's duty to host the party for the bride. She had told the Admiral that her place was too small.
He had said something about his place. He hadn't realized that he was volunteering to host the engagement party. She had thanked him before he had the chance to say no. It was better this way. The cost would be minimal.
Besides he had a beautiful place outside the city. It would be relaxing for everyone. It would also give some of the newer people in the office an opportunity to see how the Admiral lived.
The Admiral enlisted Jason to help him plan the party. He did a good job. They had everything arranged and ready to go a few days before the party. Everything looked perfect. The food was catered from one of the Colonel's favorite places to eat.
Bud and Harriet were the first ones to arrive. Everyone always blamed Bud for their early arrival, but it was usually her fault. It gave her more time to brown nose the Admiral and to hobnob with everyone before the crowd got too large.
Besides she didn't want to stay out too late. They had a young babysitter they like and it was better if they got her home at a reasonable hour before it got too late.
Most of the people were there when Mac and Mic arrived. Mac wanted to look good for this important date. She wanted everyone to see how happy she was. It took her longer than usual, but it was Mic who caused them to be late.
He had stopped somewhere had a few beers earlier in the day before he got home. He wasn't in any condition to find what he was looking for. He was a half hour late picking up Mac. She was a little upset with him when she smelt beer on his breath.
She wondered why he couldn't wait until the party before he started drinking. It looked like she would be the one doing the driving tonight. She was not going to let him have the keys to her corvette.
Harm was running late as usual. He had been waiting for Renee, but she was late filming a commercial. When she finally called to tell him she was running late, there wasn't much he could do. He would have to meet her at the Admiral's house.
He wondered why he was going in the first place. Mac was going to marry another man not him. He never thought it would have ever gotten this far. He always thought that Mac would eventually see the futility of being with Bugme and kick him to the curb.
At the very least he figured that Bugme would screw up somehow. If that had happen Mac hadn't said anything about it or just shrugged it off. Then again Mac seemed to have changed over the last year. She didn't seem to be herself.
Gone was the fiery marine that he knew and loved so much. She didn't seem to be as strong a person anymore. There was no fight or spirit in her. Well most of the time. She still fought a good fight in court, but she had changed.
He still had time to turn around, but then he would be admitting defeat, especially to Bugme. How he hated the blimey bastard. Why couldn't he have stayed down under n a far away place? Why did he have to come back here?
But then again it was all his fault. She had asked him when it was going to be their turn to be together. Why had he said not yet? What was he afraid of? She was the most beautiful and wonderful person in the world. He loved her.
He never knew anyone who was as special as she was. He did want to spend the rest of his life with her. Why then did he say he wasn't ready to be with her? Why then did he start dating the video princess?
He didn't really like her, at least not in that way. She was fun to hang out with. She didn't have the baggage that Mac did. But she wasn't Mac. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't feel that way about her. She wasn't Mac.
He had been there a half hour when he went outside onto the porch to wait for Renee. He couldn't take watching Mic standing by Mac making nice with all his friends and the Admiral. He was surprised that she followed him out onto the porch.
"Why are you out here Harm? The party is inside." asked a concerned Sarah.
"I'm waiting for Renee. She's running a little late and has never been here before." sighed Harm wondering why Mac was out here bothering him.
"Do you mind if I wait here with you?" asked Sarah.
"The party is for you Mac. Don't you think you should be in there with everyone." replied Harm.
"They won't miss me if I'm gone for a few minutes. Besides Harm, I see most of them everyday. I need a break from some of them." smiled Sarah. She was referring to Harriet.
"So what's the real reason why you're out here?" she asked.
"What? I guess I don't really like being in the same room as Bugme." replied Harm.
"You know Harm, this party could have been for us. I did asked you about getting together in a relationship. I did asked you when it was going to be our time. It could have been us getting married at the academy chapel in two weeks, but you decided not to give me an answer." informed Sarah.
"You kind of surprised me that night Mac. The last thing I was expecting to hear from you was you asking me about being together. I was caught up in the court case at the time.
Our relationship wasn't exactly great after I returned from the fleet. You gave me the cold shoulder for awhile. I thought you were angry with me." replied Harm.
"That's because you called Jordan about getting back together with her. After my visited to the Patrick Henry I thought we had something special between us again. There wasn't anyone else in our lives for once." explained Sarah.
"I was happy to see you again Mac. You were a major part of my life for three years. I had missed you. But that night on the ferry I was confused. I needed some time to comprehend what it was that you wanted from me. I thought you would have given me more than fifteen minutes." Harm tried to explain.
"Do you know what I wanted that night?" asked Sarah.
"Something that I wasn't ready to give you. I wasn't ready to have the kind of relationship you wanted. You wanted to get married and have a family. I still had thoughts about flying and my father leaving a wife and child behind." explained Harm.
"Then you went to dinner with Bugme because you were mad at me and came back with his ring on your finger. Why? You made it perfectly clear to me that you weren't going to give me the time to think about us."
"I wasn't mad at you Harm and I had no intentions of accepting his ring. I might have been a little disappointed that you didn't want to be with me, but I wasn't mad.
I was just having dinner with a friend who I thought I would never see again to say goodbye. It's all your fault anyways. You're the one who left JAG for your own personal gratification.
You're the one who left me behind to deal with his advances and work with. Harm, you of all people knew how persistent he can be. He wasn't going to let me leave the restaurant that night until he had his ring on my hand.
I let him put it on my right hand to let you know that I wasn't committed to him, but I also wanted you to know that if you didn't want me, there were others that did. It's been sixteen months Harm." replied Sarah.
"I don't know what happened to you Mac. You would have never let Dalton do that to you. You would have thrown him to the curb. You've let him walk all over you. When he put his ring on you, it was if he was marking his territory." argued Harm.
"Maybe that's true, but since when did you let Mic have whatever he wanted. You always took great pleasure in beating him. When did you decide not to fight for what you wanted? Why wasn't I worth fighting for?
I think I proved myself to you when I went with you to Russia to find your father. Then you punished me for not telling you that I had been married to Chris. I'm surprised that you never asked me if I was or had been married or was it that you didn't want to know?
Maybe I should have told you about him, but maybe it was my way of not allowing myself to get too emotionally involved with you until you were ready to be with me. But I want you to consider one thing Harm, I had been faithful to you. I hadn't seen anyone since Dalton.
And the only reason I was seeing him in the first place was because you were involved with Annie. I had to let that run its course first. But then you decided to punish me and be with Jordan rather than being with me.
Even she knew you wanted to be with me and not her. She told me that several times, but she enjoyed being with you. Even when she couldn't accept you for who you were, you still chose her over me.
Even when I told you that I wanted you, you punished me. You told me you weren't ready and then you ran to Renee when you got back. You've been with her ever since Harm. So you were either lying to me or you didn't want me." challenged Mac.
"Do you love him Mac?" asked Harm. Why was she here telling him all this now? Couldn't they have had this discussion a few months ago?
"You don't get to ask that question Harm. You had four months before Mic showed up that night. Even then I showed you how uncomfortable I was with him, but you didn't do anything.
You had another five months before I moved the ring over. You knew I didn't want to be engaged to him, but you didn't care. You were more concerned with a half brother you barely knew than me. You've had seven months since I move the ring over to ask me.
You knew I wanted you, but you didn't even fight for me. You chose Renee, someone you didn't even like over me. How do you think I felt about that?" cried Mac.
"I was confused Mac. I didn't know what to think. I thought you had made your choice to be with him, so I moved on the best I could. I'm sorry." replied Harm. He knew it was a feeble excuse, but he didn't have a better answer for her.
"You're right, it's not my place to ask you. Just know that if you ever need me I will be there for you."
I did need you Harm. I asked you to be with me, but you decided not to be with me. I don't know if I can ever depend on you again thought Mac, but before she could say anything else Renee walked up to the porch.
She was surprised to see them sitting there alone on the porch talking with each other. Why wasn't she inside with Mic? That was where she belonged. Marry Mic and move with him to Australia. It was the only way she was going to have Harm to herself.
"Did I miss the party?" she asked them.
"No, I was just waiting for you outside." he replied.
"I needed some fresh air. I don't like being the center of attention." added Mac.
Later that night Mac went out onto the porch to get some fresh air. It was getting stuffy inside and Mic had been drinking too much. She wanted to be by herself for a short while. She was surprised to see Harm outside on the porch smoking a cigar.
"I thought you gave up that nasty habit." smiled Mac in greeting. She wondered what was wrong. He was sitting out here all by his self.
"I only smoke them on special occasions. I guess this would be one of them." he replied. As much as he hated why they were there, he would never hate being with her in any fashion.
"What's wrong Harm? Why are you out here by yourself?" asked Mac.
"You want to take a walk? There's a path that leads to a small pond we could take." asked Harm avoiding the question.
"Sure, why not." she replied taking his arm.
They walked silently together until they were at the pond. The moon was full in the sky shining brightly. Mac could see the sadness in his eyes.
"There's a widow's moon out tonight." said Harm breaking the silence.
"I thought this was a full moon. At least that's what the weatherman said in his report." questioned Mac.
"More planes were shot down in Vietnam on nights like this. The sky is so bright that enemy soldiers could see the planes coming and shoot them down. My dad was shot down on a night like this." replied Harm.
"And I'm sure the pilots hit more of their targets too. Harm, why are you thinking about your father? I thought you had put him to rest." asked Mac. What was wrong?
"I wasn't Mac, it was just an observation." replied Harm."Harm, what's wrong?" asked Mac with concern."I'm losing you Mac and I don't know what I can do about it." sighed Harm."I'm not going anywhere Harm, well except for a honeymoon, but I'll still be here at JAG." replied Mac as she tried to reassure him.
"We hardly work together anymore Mac. You know Mic won't want you working with me. Working with you was what made coming back here bearable after the CAG strongly suggested that I leave the fleet.
How long do you really think Brumby is going to want to stay here Mac? He couldn't find a job in a city that can't get enough lawyers. He's a career Navy man Mac. Sooner or later he's going to want to go back.
He's going to expect you to go with him even if that means giving up your career. He's not going to ask you either. Then you will be gone. I doubt he'll wait a year." complained Harm.
"Harm, I'm not going anywhere. I told him from the beginning this is my home. It's where all my friends are. If he did decide to go, he would go alone." reassured Mac."You look very beautiful tonight Sarah." complimented Harm as he gazed into her eyes as he leaned down to kiss her.
She was surprised by his actions, but she offered no resistance. In fact she relished the moment. It wasn't often that they shared a kiss. His kisses were perfect in her estimation unlike Mic's which were sloppy as well as aggressive.
They kissed for a few minutes before stopping. "We better get back before we're missed." sighed Mac."I'll always be here for you Sarah if you should ever need me." replied Harm before escorting her back to the house.