Title: You've Got To Keep The Faith
Rating: PG
Category: POV
Spoilers: all Buffy and Angel I think that will cover it
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me they Joss Whedon's etc. I am
not making any money it is only for fun.
Email: cool please do sg1fjm@yahoo.co.uk
I look around and I realise at times I just sit there and stare at the four walls. Well, there is not much else I can do but I did expect it to feel like they were closing in on me the room getting smaller and smaller. Yes I am in a cell, yes I am in prison but I do not feel caged. In a way I feel free, freer then I have in a long time. It is a liberating feeling. It, well, it feels good. I am sure that I have never felt like that before.
I have done such horrible things in my life, hurt many people. I'm not even sure I enjoyed it. It was something I just did. It never felt like me, I didn't even know who I was but I slowly am finding out now the good and the bad, mostly bad. In some ways I wish I wasn't, because I can only blame myself for all the things I have done. It will never go away, it will always be a part of me.
At some point in the future maybe I can atone for what I have done. I do not think that I will ever truly make up for everything. In a way I am more of a monster then Angel ever was, even in his darkest hours. He was created as a killer, his soul was taken, he was made. I on the other hand was just evil, I still had a soul and everything else but I still killed and did not care. There was no remorse, there was … nothing. I had an emptiness inside that I needed to fill. I can't remember why I used pain, it feels like I have always done it that way in my mind I can't think of a time when I was any different.
Things changed for me with the dreams I had when I was in the coma. I no longer can recall them in much detail, now it is just a case of feelings, I was lost, alone and confused. Then switching with Buffy, living her life for a while made me realise how different we were. That made me angry and in a way I became her. I saw her when I looked in the mirror and when people looked at me they saw the same and I just felt compelled to help. I was tired of being Faith, the bad girl. I didn't want to be me any longer I needed and escape and this seemed like the perfect opportunity but it did not last forever. Like anything pretend it has to come to an end.
When it was over I left as quickly as I could and left for LA. The law firm hired me and when I found out it was to kill Angel. It was all I could have wished. Here was one man who could end the horror for me but he didn't. I was so angry and frustrated I couldn't go on I wanted it to be over. He knew what I wanted no matter what I did. I begged him to do it, to kill. I told him I was truly evil but he did not listen. He held me, protected me even from Buffy but I could not let him save me. In the end I realised only I could do that so here I am learning all about myself, finding out who Faith is.
Things turned out the way they are supposed to, you've got to keep the faith.
The End