(This first part is Bella's point of view)
I was laying down on my bed covered with my purple skull comforter trying to keep warm because, I was only in thin SkeleAnimals PJ pants and a Foamy cami that empashised my breasts. I reached down under my night-stand to get the laptop my mother bought for me before, I moved to Forks. It began to boot up to the login screen that had a picture of Edward, Jacob and I all standing in front of the local pizzeria holding up my favourite drink, FAYGO. Edward looked like he was trying to force a smile holding onto my lower back-side and Jacob was laughing about something I said with his arm around my neck, holding onto my left arm but, with their free arms they held up their Faygos. I had a smile on my face with my right arm around Jacob and my left arm, holding up my Rock N' Rye Faygo to Edward's Chateaux Faygeaux and Jacob's Sensation Faygo clinking against each other. I couldn't help my laugh at the picture because, it's an odd pair to be standing with, especially trying to get a vampire and werewolf to be friends. I clinked my keyboard and let my Windows login finally allow me to see what I wanted. My instant messengers popped open upon login and Jacob was online, so was Edward.
I guess they both saw me because, instantly, I received an IM from both of them. Jacob was saying hello sweetly as he can and Edward was asking how his love is doing. I still haven't let the feeling retract when Edward calls me his love because, he did leave me and I haven't yet forgiven him. I understand he says it was for my benefit and well-being but, when I saw him almost revealing his beautiful sparkling self to all of Rome, I had a moment of guilt that I might've drove him away. I've still got a feeling he'll do it again or that he's lying to me and there's another reason but, he kissed me within that cathredal so passionately, I never had felt him kiss me like that before. It was a longer for a lover type of kiss, that kind that made me want to drop to my knees. I felt guilt and remorse afterwards but for different reasons like, Jacob. Jacob had been so good to me when Edward left me to almost commit suicide and honestly, he was, no, is the only reason why I'm still alive. I felt as if I'd never love again and then, my best friend comes in so calmly, sweetly, silently to rescue me from myself. I began to just stared at the two IMs, one from the guy who tried to stop me from going only because he loves me and the other one from the guy I rescued from being killed and that says he loves me more than his soul. They IM'd me once more til I finally shook my head out of my thought process.
I couldn't respond to them because, I had to much to think about but, I knew if I didn't one of them may just show up in my bedroom from my window. I shook my head and put an away status saying that I wasn't feeling up for much talking and that there was a lot of thinking to do in my mind but, the simple fact I may reply later. I click-clacked my keys a few more times and logged into my email looking at my new ones. Some from people at school saying how glad they are to have me back to almost normal and others asking if I was going to ever respond back like a normal person. I moved my mouse over to new email and searched the list at who it should go to because lately, I've just been typing into the void of space sending it to some cancelled email or letting it sit in my drafts folder. But then, Jacob's name showed up and I held my teeth clamped down as I clicked his name.
---- To Jacob
Subject: Please read and understand
Jacob, I'm sorry for leaving like I did to Rome but, please understand that I had to because, I needed closure or something, I'm not sure. I missed you and thought about you the whole time but, I can't seem to feel for Edward like I did before. There's this void in my chest that won't go away no matter how good everything seems. I know you may not want to see me in person or talk on the phone but, please don't feel like you have to IM me when I log on. There's so much to say to you but I don't know how to put into words how I feel. I know I hurt you when I got in the middle of you and Edward. I could feel, see the pain in your big hazel wolf eyes and I started to let tears fall down my face. I just can't compose myself without you so please, I'm begging please, don't fake around me or stop being my best friend, no my wolf, no my protecter, no nothing's coming out right! I love you, Jacob, no… I love you, Jake. You are my repairman, no my saviour, no my soul who saved me and kept me alive for reason unknown to me. I wish you were here right now because, I think, no I know I need you to take me in your warm embrace that I just can't find anywhere else that makes me feel welcomed and thought that may actually be worth something if I stay human. It's okay if you don't read this, I've written four more but never sent them to you. I understand if you don't reply because, I wouldn't to me and this was a shot in the dark. If you read this, I do love you and I didn't think that was possible for anyone but Edward and you just creeped into slowly, silently. Thank you for everything, Jake, my Jacob. I care about you more than anyone. I'm sorry I hurt you. If you can't forgive me I understand and I shouldn't ask you to but, I'm not going to ask if we can just start over because, that isn't possible with everything we've been through or said. I'll keep your secret, I promise. I just thought you of all people deserved to know or have an explanation.
Best Regards, no no, With Care and Love,
Bella----
I stared at the email that took me almost an hour of typing and rewriting more than a dozen times. I reread it a few times but, it was like my hand moved on it's on and clicked send. I gasped, trying to catch my heart as it fell because, I was just going to put into my drafts. I began to wonder if Jacob will read it or just ignore it. I couldn't stare at my screen anymore so, I just closed the laptop lid and slid it back under my nightstand, grapped a book within reach along with a pen and notebook. I began writing along with read the book side by side and kept wondering what he'd think of that email. I began to scribble unintelligiable things on my notebook about my thoughts. I couldn't help not pay no attention to my book "Malice" and more on what I was writing in the notebook.