A/N ok so as you read this is a set of letters the cast of Harry Potter to YOU the fanfiction writer.
Disclaimer: I (sadly) don't any of the harry potter characters I just imperious them to do my bidding.
First up: Harry Potter
Dear Fanficiton writers,
My name is Harry Potter and I am a subject to all of your fanfictions. While, I love some of your work (romance with Ginny) and everything but please lets be serious. I DO NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH EVERY ***** CHARACTER!!!
I know what your thinking 'how is that possible? How does he know?' well let me tell you some of them are dreams, no NIGHTMARES but still some of the ones I've seen are ridiculous. Examples:
Me/Draco, Not gay and even if I was MALFOY?? Whille we both have grown up a bit and are no longer mortal enemies, why would I want any romance, or have a crush on MALFOY? Much less a "lemon" but don't get me started on that.
Me/Snape, need I same more? Apperantly so as some of you people don't understand the fact that, while he turned out to be a good guy who actually had a heart he was still a jealous git who thought I was my father and penilized me for it.
Me/VOLDEMORT, ok fess up how many of you were on sugar highs when you wrote theese ones? Me and Voldemort he's old enough to be my father or even grandfather, not that he is, more on that later.
Me/ Hermione, really, I thought we established that I love Hermione like a sister (and besides even if I did there the "Ron" problem.)
Me/VOLDEMORT
Me/ Fleur, you know, not too many complaints on this one *Ginny hits me in the head* Okkkayyy I hate this one the most
Me/VOLDEMORT
Me/Ron, really? Merlin, he's practically my brother, aand I thought we already established that i'm NOT gay.
Me/Snape, again must I spell it out.
Me/Luna, she's nice and all but I don't like that way, basically the same as Hermione.
Me/Ginny (ow ow just kidding, Gin just kidding. Why are you reading over my shoulder and more importanly why am I writing this instead of tell you...)
and finally
Me/VOLDEMORT
those are just a few.....
Another thing do you know how annoying it is to have muggle songs from the future in your heads all day making you do crazy things? Seriously yesterday I had this one song in my head and I started contemplating what my life would be like with MALFOY. Some of them are fun but most of them are horrible.
Why are all of you so determined to have me and Malfoy together seriously there are 559 pages of me and Malfoy stuff and 358 are romance (there are only 335 page of Harry/Ginny romances and we are married!!) And I'm sure there are more...
Also I'd like to point out that I wasn't (thankfully) abused physically by the Dursleys. Only emotionally and psychologically (wow sounds so much worse on paper) and even if I was (abused that is) I highly doubt I'd be adopted by Snape, of all people, or Mcgonagall and that Dumbledore turns out to be evil.)
Also just for the record, thanks to you, Ginny has broken up with me 423 times and I have preposed 1376 times (guess how many weren't to Ginny)
Finally it's annoying to do the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. How many times can one person play truth or dare and wind up with Malfoy/ Lavender /Pavarti /Hermione /Luna etc. Before they going clinically insane and have to go to St. Mungos?
So keep up the good work, try to stick to cannon (pretty, pretty, please) and get some new ideas. Thank you.
[insert closing line of your choice here]
Parry Otter (Actually it's Harry Potter)
The-chosen-boy-who-lived-to-be-Harry
P.S. Catchy name don't you think?
A/n Just for the record I am not making fun of any of the shippers who write any of the ships listed above (I like Harmony just to let you all know) this is solely how it think the characters would react if they were to write a letter. The first three numbers are actual facts (as of June 2009) and the other two aren't.