Spoiler alert! If you haven't seen The Avengers yet, you probably should. Anyways, there were two scenes in which Natasha showed fear towards the Hulk and I started thinking about it. Was it the green monster she feared or another we couldn't see?
She can't sleep. Again. It's been three months since the world was saved but the terror hasn't left her yet. Her teammates had heard from Thor, just how close the Hulk had been to tearing their Black Widow apart. They assumed she was terrified of the monster but they didn't know which one.
They had no idea. They thought they did but in reality, they couldn't have been more wrong. Sure, the idea of her being scared of dying at the hands of a giant green monster was plausible but it wasn't the real reason behind her fears.
Thinking back to the day in India, where she met with Bruce Banner, she can't help but feel a tinge of hurt. He had asked if the little girl had been an agent, if they started that young now. She had. Natasha would never forget the day when her childhood was destroyed, when she was no longer able to lose control of her emotions, when she forgot what emotions were, when she began her transformation to become a powerful weapon.
Everything she had done, everyone she had killed became a part of her and were constantly trying to escape. She wouldn't allow it though, she would never let those memories out for fear she would lose herself to them. Nights were the worst. If she slept for too long, they would try to escape. They would try to take over and she would be lost. There was no doubt hell was real, she was living it each and every day. There were moments where she could pretend nothing had ever happened, moments where she was still a little girl playing with dolls, dancing with the friends she was sure had been real at one point. But then she would hear the screams, the cries asking for mercy which she ignored as she pulled the trigger.
Her first kill was at the age of seven. Her handler had helped her with holding the gun, with pointing the weapon of death at the man's forehead. She remembers his eyes. The way they widened at the cold feel of the gun, the way they silently pleaded for a chance, for mercy. Then, the trigger was pulled and he was no more. For days, she kept telling herself it had been her handler who pulled the trigger, he was the one who had killed the man. That lie didn't hold for long. She remembered her handler letting go of her arm, letting her feel the release of the bullet before it shattered the man's brain. She had killed him. She had taken somebody's life. That night, she said her first and last prayer; she prayed she'd never have to go through that again. She soon learned, prayers were for the hopeful and she had none left.
The tossing and turning finally gets tiring and she decides to head outside for some fresh air. She takes the stairs up towards the roof; the elevator would have given her a chance to think, a chance to remember and she doesn't want to, not right now. The cold breeze hits her without warning as she opens the door but she doesn't feel it, not really. Even in just her sweats and tank top, she doesn't feel the way death swirls around her. It's easily below freezing, the snow is proof of that but she either doesn't notice or doesn't care.
She approaches the ledge of the building, steeling herself against the railing before looking out towards the city. It really is beautiful. Scoffing, she mentally reprimands herself. What does she know about beauty? All she knows is the ugly side of life...of death. She wants to let go. Not of the railing but of the life she's had. She wants to lose control and do whatever she wants without worry of losing herself. She wants to go crazy, smash anything and everything she can get ahold of. She wants to jump of the roof and feel complete freedom as she falls to the dark unknown.
A laugh escapes her lips as she remembers Hulk smashing his way after her in the helicarrier. The irony. All these years, trying to hold back the monster inside her only to almost be taken out by somebody elses. She hears the crunching of snow and immediately tenses.
"Nat, you dropped your jacket."
She holds back a smile. He knows she didn't drop it but pretends she did anyways. Whether for his or her benefit, she's not sure and quite frankly, she doesn't care. Making his way towards her, she notices he's holding her black leather jacket which she knows was in her room. Instead of getting upset at him for going into her room, she accepts her jacket and puts it on with a quick thank you.
"You know, I was thinking we could all go sky diving next week. Captain's still a little weary about it but Tony's trying to convince him it's safe." He says looking up at the sky.
"Jumping out of a plane, letting go of everything while hoping the parachute doesn't fail? Sounds fun." She says looking up as well; admiring the stars shining brightly in the night sky.
He looks back at her but she keeps her gaze on the stars. The way she answered was all the proof he needed. He knew how she was feeling, he also knew she was close to her breaking point. He knows what she's feeling because he's felt it too. She doesn't need to tell him, he knows.
"It'll be fun. It will also be the perfect opportunity to give Hulk a chance to let loose some steam." He says tentatively while searching her face for any sign of fear. He'd seen the recording of her close encounter with the monster. Somehow though, he knew it wasn't Hulk she feared, at least, not anymore considering he wasn't a threat to them. For the time being.
She can't help but grin. So much for being subtle.
"Yes, sounds like he'll get a kick out of it."
"It's good to let go every now and then. What better way than jumping out of plane?"
He was right, what better way than jumping from the safety of a plane into the possiblity of living again.
"Just remember to come back to reality, this is where we need you."
She returns his gaze and nods with a small smile. They need her. Not the spy, not the killer. Her. Even if she did lose control, her friends would help her get back from the depths of her personal hell.
Her other teammates were right, she was scared of Hulk. But only Clint knew the real reason why. Not because he could kill her but because he's a constant reminder of the monster within herself and what might happen if it's ever set loose.
So... let me know what you think and how I can improve my writing. ^_^ Thanks! Keep in mind that this is my first story so please be gentle.